I never really thought anything that has happened over the last few weeks was fair. And I'm sure I'll continue to think that for weeks and possibly even months from now. But I just can't help it. I want you back here by my side. It's not the same without you here with me. I keep playing all the songs you liked to listen to around this time of year. I put all the decorations up as if you'd never left. I'm cooking dinner right now, and I can picture you clearly running around behind me setting up the table and laughing in that lighthearted laugh of yours.I always enjoyed listening to you laugh whenever we'd just sit on the couch laughing and watching movies together.

This year will be hard, and I'm sure every year after this will be hard too. Cause I have to realize that you're not with me anymore. And that's hard for me to actually admit. But I need to face it, you're not here.

I wonder what Sagachii, Pooh-san, and Hiroto-kun are doing for Christmas? They did invite me but I declined. They didn't object. They know they can't fill your spot in my heart, but they just want to see me smile. I know it'll be a while before I can smile again.

But I will keep on living.

If I keep on living then one day I can for sure be able to smile know I miss you right Shou-kun? I really really miss you right now. I wish you were here right now, with your arms around my waist. I want to kiss your lips and see that blush creep up into your face. You were the best thing that has ever happened to me. And fate took you from me. It's been a few weeks, and I wonder why did you die and not me. We were both in that car accident, yet I came out virtually unharmed while you were killed. How is that fair? I almost feel guilty for surviving.

And now I have to live with this pain of not having you here with me anymore. You were my world. And that one crazy driver took you, my world, away from me. He took you from my life, but spared me.

You died while I lived. The first thing I asked at the hospital was if you were alright. And I saw the doctor hesitate to answer. It was then I noticed that Nao, Saga, and Hiroto were there by my hospital bed. After what seemed like a fucking few years the doctor told me you were dead when they pulled you from the car.

How the fuck am I supposed to take that! I cried myself to sleep that night there in the hospital. I couldn't think of anything else to coherently do at that moment in time. I felt like dying. I wished my heart would just give out so I wouldn't have to live in a world where I didn't have you next to me everyday. But you'd want me to keep moving forward wouldn't you Shou-kun?

Maybe one day I can smile again, but I don't want to be with anyone but you. I'm waiting for the day when I see you again, cause you're still my whole world. My whole entire fucking world Shou. I love you. More than you know.

This Christmas is so hard right now. I just can't wrap my mind around you not being here in all your radiant beauty. I miss you so damn much. I made your favorite foods today Shou. I'm trying to treat this Christmas like any other. But it is really hard for me to do.

This is my first Christmas without you by my side. It's only been a few weeks since you left, but I can see your face so clearly. I can hear your voice ringing in my ears still.

I miss you so much.