Disclaimer:
Kitsune: Sadly (Sniff), we do not own any of the YYH cast, including Kurama. WWWAAAHHH, WHY OH WHY! (Bursts into tears and runs to the corner)
Kurama: -.-;;;
Kuwabara: Hey, why does she want Kurama instead of me?
YYH Cast: Gee, let's think! (The entire YYH Cast starts to beat up Kuwabara)
Kuwabara: (All crippled) AHHHH, OOOOOOUUUUUUCH, STOP, OOOOOWWWW, AAAAHHH, STOP IIIIIITTTTTTTT, OOOOOOHHHHHHH!
Ryouko: -.-;;;;;;;; (To co-authors) If we're going to keep them, I don't want them in my house.
Kitsune: (Stops crying) Don't worry, if they even mess my house up by stepping in it, they'll regret the day they ever met me! Prepare yourselves, hahahahaha!
Ryouko: (Even more sweatdrops) Oh, now I have more to worry about. What a life.
Himizu: (Twitches while watching this) We also don't own the Blue Jackets. CRUEL WORLD! (Also starts crying)
Ryouko: (twitch twitch) Good riddance. Being the wonderful friend that I am, I'd tell you to sell something on eBay and then buy them, but…
Himizu: (stops crying) BUT WHAT!
Ryouko: But the owner of the Dallas Mavericks already beat you to it. (nod nod)
Everybody: (face fault)
Credits: Himizu wrote most of it, but Kitsune and Ryouko also did their share.
Typed by Ryouko.
Description and Rating: Well, this is a funny fic that, before we gave it it's official title, was known as "Rick Nash meet Kurama!" and is basically just that, though we touched it up a bit. We rate it PG-13, for some violence (and violent thoughts and suggestions) and language. And yes, fools, this is a hybrid romance fic, so yes there is Mary Sue stuff. We warned you, don't you dare say we didn't!
A Midsummer Night's Nightmare
Ryouko and Himizu were having another blazing row. Sparks flew and Ryouko's posters seemed to be wilting. The two girls stood in the center of the room facing each other while Kitsune, Hiei, and Kurama cowered against the walls.
"He would like me! What do you know!
"A lot more then you do! Who in their right mind would like you?"
"Who in their right mind would like you! Besides Hiei, he doesn't count because he doesn't have a mind."
"LEAVE HIEI OUT OF THIS! THAT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH THIS!"
"THEN SHUT UP ABOUT RICK NASH! WHAT DO YOU KNOW! YOU, WHO SETS HER SIGHTS SO LOW THAT A SADISTIC MANIAC FIRE DEMON SATISFIES HER!
"YEAH, FOR SOME REASON I SEEM TO LIKE SADISTIC MANIACS! I HAVE BAD TASTE IN THE HUMAN DEPARTMENT! And as for setting low sights…at least sadistic fire demons are educated past the high school level, and they have ALL THEIR TEETH!
Himizu bristled. "Well excuuuuuuse me!"
"You're excused," Ryouko replied, "but really Himizu, quit kidding yourself. Rick Nash would hate your guts."
"HE WOULD NOT!" screamed Himizu, causing more sparks to fly and Kitsune to jump and grab Kurama around the neck. She clutched him in terror, not noticing that she was cutting off his air supply.
"You wish Himizu!" exclaimed Ryouko scornfully.
Himizu called Ryouko about 100 different kinds of an idiot, including a few swear words best not repeated and stormed out of the room.
"Hooray, she's gone."
"Keep your shirt on Hiei. On second thought, don't. You're too cute." Hiei sweatdropped as Ryouko smiled sweetly. "As I was saying, she'll be back. She's just gone to sulk and think up fresh insults. I guarantee she's just around the corner."
Hiei darted out and back before Ryouko had even blinked. He was scowling.
"You were right."
"She does it all the time," stated Kitsune knowledgeably. She had bore witness to many of their arguments. Ryouko turned to look at her and gave a scream of horror.
"Kitsune, what are you doing to Kurama!"
Kitsune looked at Kurama and saw with shock that his face was sky blue and he looked like he was about to pass out. She guiltily removed her arms, blushing as Kurama gasped for breath and massaged his throat.
"Oh Kurama, I'm so sorry! Are you okay?" Kitsune gasped anxiously.
"Fine," Kurama managed to croak out. "I'm fine."
Kitsune hugged him again, around the chest this time. Nevertheless, she almost suffocated him again as she cried over and over, "Oh my gosh! I'm so glad you're okay. Oh I'm so so so so so sorry."
"Kitsune, it is not Strangle Kurama Day. Leave him alone!" exclaimed Ryouko.
"Oh my gosh! I did it again!" Kitsune immediately let go of Kurama, who was now massaging his ribs and desperately gasping for breath, as though he had just run several miles. Suddenly, they heard a scream from outside the room. Everyone jumped, but Ryouko sat down quickly.
"Oh, it's only Himizu."
Everyone was laughing when the door opened. Every single person in the room did a face fault. Jaws scraping the floor and eyes bugging out of their sockets, they stared at the sight before them. Himizu was clutching the hand of a young man. Judging by his features and the rapturous expression on Himizu's face, this could be none other than Rick Nash.
"Am I in the right place?" asked Rick. "I got a message telling me to come to 1561 Gatekeeper Way."
Everyone now had large sweatdrops on their faces. Kitsune finally pushed her jaws together and cried, "Himizu, you didn't!"
"Believe it or not, I am not responsible! I would like to know who is though. I owe them a huge major thank you!" She smiled up at Rick Nash who looked 10 pleased and 90 bewildered by the obvious attraction the teenage girl was showing him.
"Are you a burglar?" asked Ryouko, finally finding her voice.
"Of course not, you moron! This is Rick Nash!"
Ryouko jumped up and began to struggle to turn Rick around and push him towards the door. "No hockey players in my house! Out, out, out, out, OUT!
"Leave him alone! Someone wanted him to come here, there must be a reason."
"Yeah, or someone left the note as a joke and it just happened to have my address on it."
"That is way too much of a coincidence. Someone left the note for a reason. He should stay!"
"Fine, since nothing else will please you." She suddenly seemed to develop a coughing fit. The words "love bird" were distinguishable. Himizu guided Rick in, taking the liberty to punch Ryouko as she walked by. Ryouko pretended to take it all in a stride, but her quick brain was already coming up with evil things to do with this situation. Her eyes fell on Hiei and Kurama. She would like to use Hiei to accomplish her evil plots, but she had the feeling that when he was in his right mind, not even being his friend could save her. She would either be on the floor in 100 pieces or in Hades before she could blink. Kurama…that option wasn't much better. Yet after what she did in "Looking for Love in all the Wrong Places", it did seem smart to use Kurama. Both Kurama and Kitsune would be furious. But Kurama was definitely less dangerous than Hiei. A smile slid unbidden onto Ryouko's face. She would risk Kurama's and Kitsune's wrath and do it.
Glancing around, she saw Himizu sitting close to Rick Nash, talking rapidly. Forget a mile a minute, she was talking closer to 20 miles a second, gushing about what an amazing player he was, talking about every picture she had of him and every article she ever read about him. Rick was looking like he didn't know whether to be pleased that she knew so much about him or annoyed with her rapid mode of speech. He had settled for looking politely bewildered.
"Poor thing," Ryouko murmured to Hiei. "I should put him out of his misery." Hiei looked at her nervously. He said nothing, but his eyes were plainly saying, "If you do what you did in that one fic, you die."
"No, Himizu would destroy my body afterwards. Besides, to see her beloved killed by, in her words, a crazy, sadistic, maniac fire demon…"
"You forgot psycho!" called Himizu, giving Rick a temporary reprieve and causing Hiei to glare at her murderously.
"Now, what was I saying…Oh yeah! So, for the sake of both my life and my body, you are not involved. But I need a favor." Hiei, who had begun to relax, now tensed visibly. Ryouko grinned.
"Please don't let Kitsune and Kurama kill me." Hiei narrowed his eyes.
"What do I get?" He asked, finally.
"You don't get used." Ryouko stated matter-of-factly.
Hiei blinked. Finally…
"I hate you. But I'll do it."
Ryouko smiled. "Thank you Hiei. You're wonderful." Hiei blanched and flitted to the windowsill. Feeling both safe and satisfied, Ryouko settled back and focused her author power on Kurama.
At first nothing happened. Then Kurama's expression became totally blank. When emotion returned, he first looked at Kitsune in confusion, as though wondering what she was doing next to him. Then he looked at Himizu next to Rick Nash and his expression turned to fury. He seemed to be wondering how this stranger dared to sit next to Himizu. Kurama stood up and began to move towards where the two were sitting. Himizu was now examining Rick Nash's hair and was commenting on it.
"Oh, your hair is so beautiful now, all long and wavy. I like this long style a lot better than your old style with the spikes."
Kurama froze in his tracks. Everyone stared.
"Sad," muttered Hiei.
"Try sick," Ryouko replied, looking disgusted.
"I don't know whether to laugh, or scream and run," whispered Kitsune.
"I don't know whether to look away or commit murder!" exclaimed Hiei, fingering his katana.
"Commit murder!" cried Ryouko.
"Do you even know which one I'm referring to?"
"Do you even realize that I don't care?"
Hiei blinked. Ryouko sighed.
"Wake up Hiei! It's either Nick Rash, a hockey player, or Himizu, a paranoid psycho nutcase. Would you care?"
"Have I ever cared about anything?" Asked Hiei, turning away.
Ryouko began listing. "Your pride, your katana, your sister…"
Hiei immediately whirled around, extending his right arm so that it nearly touched Ryouko's throat. She twitched, unsure whether he meant to set his black dragon on her or strangle her. He had already done the former to her (In "The Beginning") and she had no desire to repeat the experience. The latter option was really no option at all. Either way, she could end up dead in a few seconds.
"Shut up!"
Ryouko blinked. That was not what she had expected. Hiei raised one eyebrow and a flash of understanding came over Ryouko.
"My dear Hiei, freedom of speech has been mine since birth. If you have a protest against something I say, do it in a verbal manner, and don't do that" She inched away from him as he held out his hand again. "Ok, ok, I'll zip it. But you still have to protect me." Hiei muttered a string of words that Ryouko couldn't hear and was very glad she didn't, owing to the violent tone of voice that didn't bode well for any delicate ears that might be nearby.
Himizu had now forcibly dragged Rick Nash into a discussion about Blue Jackets and hockey in general. Himizu was very knowledgeable on this topic, but even she could learn something from a hockey player. Now she was making him talk and listening intently with such a hungry expression that the frozen statue that was Kurama now roused himself and stalked forward.
"Kurama, what are you doing!" cried Kitsune, annoyed, and yet somewhat nervous. Kurama ignored her and Kitsune looked very hurt. But, feigning disdain, she tossed her head and snapped, "Fine. Be that way. I don't need you. I got an e-mail from a really nice guy at school saying he liked me." She put on a satisfied smile for Kurama's benefit. He shrugged.
"Whatever. See if I care." Kitsune let out a low whimper, like a hurt puppy.
Kurama pulled out his rosewhip as he advanced. Halting a few paces from Himizu and Rick Nash, he flicked his rosewhip in their direction.
"Get away from her," he hissed, glaring at Rick.
Himizu stared blankly. For the first time in her life, she was lost for words. As Kurama flicked the whip again, however, she pushed it away, deftly avoiding the thorns.
"Knock it off Kurama. What do you care if I'm talking to Rick Nash? None of you even remotely like hockey, with the possible exception of Kitsune. So it's really none of your business if I talk to Rick because this conversation is probably over your heads. Yes, even yours, Kurama," she added fiercely. "For all your brains, you can't learn about something unless a) you have to, or b) you find sense, meaning, and/or enjoyment in it. You, unfortunately fulfill none of those requirements."
Ryouko covered her ears. "STOP QUOTING FROM MRS. ROSS'S BRAIN LECTURES! And stop talking like you swallowed a thesaurus, Dictionary," she added as an afterthought.
"FOR GOD'S SAKE, I'M NOT A FREAKIN' DICTIONARY! GET THAT THROUGH YOUR THICK SKULL!"
"Whatever…Dictionary," Ryouko retorted. Himizu scowled, but chose to ignore her, not wanting to become involved in yet another argument with her friend and co-author.
Sick of the conversation, Kurama took a fighting stance, focusing on Rick Nash. Before he could flick the rosewhip again, Himizu put her foot on it.
"Don't make me kick you," she snapped. This threat Kurama took seriously. An active soccer player, Himizu normally played defense, and had developed a very accurate and powerful kick. She had only used it on a person outside the soccer field once in her life, leaving behind a bruise that size and shape of the head of a golf club. So Kurama seized one of Ryouko's favorite wolf statues and hurled it at Rick's head. He ducked, but it struck him after it rebounded off the wall. Himizu hurriedly tried to revive him, while Ryouko worked with her author power. Hiei looked at her quizzically.
"Can you do that on him?"
"Of course. He's in the story isn't he?"
Hiei stared for a moment before looking away, muttering under his breath about lunatics and fantasy and blackmailers. Ryouko smirked before concentrating her author powers on Rick. When he revived, his face was unfocused. But when he saw Kitsune, his expression became very much like Kurama's had been when he had seen Himizu after Ryouko had cast her author power on him. Sliding away from Himizu, he went over to Kitsune, who looked uncertain. When Rick sat next to her, however, her face registered total shock. She edged away.
"Ummm Rick, you're cute and all that but…If you could hook me up with Nikolai Zherdev on the other hand…" She grinned and winked at Himizu, but Rick was totally unabashed. He continued to pursue Kitsune while Kurama continued to pursue Himizu. The girls were becoming very annoyed and their tempers were flaring. In case you're not keeping track (a deep breath is heard somewhere) Rick loves Kitsune, but Kitsune loves Kurama, but Kurama loves Himizu, but Himizu loves Rick, but Rick loves Kitsune, but Kitsune loves Kurama, but Kurama loves Himizu, but Himizu loves Rick, but Rick loves Kitsune, but…
"BUT IF YOU DON'T SHUT UP NOW I WILL SEND YOU TO HELL VERY FAST!" screamed Hiei.
"You really didn't have a childhood did you?" asked the same voice that had breathed deeply earlier. The a tiny fairy fluttered into the room. Ryouko cried out "Puck!" and gave the fairy a high-five. Hiei's fist clenched and a low growl rumbled in the back of his throat. His eyes blazed until he looked like a wildcat. Puck fled in terror. Ryouko glared at him.
"Hiei, my room is a shrine. Do not disturb anything! You hear me?"
By now Rick, Kitsune, Kurama, and Himizu were running in a circle around Ryouko's room. Rick chased Kitsune, who chased Kurama, who chased Himizu, who chased Rick who…Well, you get the idea. Suddenly Kitsune cut across the circle and stood in front of Kurama.
"Get out of my way," he snapped at her. She didn't move so he ran into her. She fell and he fell on top of her then Rick fell on Kurama and Himizu fell on Rick.
"DOMINOS!" cried Ryouko.
Himizu turned on her back.
"Wow Rick, you're so strong and muscular. I can feel the muscles through your shirt. It's very comfortable."
"Speak for yourself," a muffled voice called from under the bodies. "Get off me!" Himizu remained only a moment more before hopping lightly down.
"That was sweet!" she exclaimed as Rick and Kurama pushed themselves up. A very flat Kitsune-mat lay on the floor. Ryouko and Himizu began to laugh.
"Don't just stand there! Get me a pump!" cried Kitsune.
After she was restored, the circle began again. The clattering noise was immense and things fell off walls and shelves, dressers and desks at an alarming rate. Ryouko and Hiei were kept busy trying to protect Ryouko's possessions. Finally, Hiei turned to Ryouko.
"Do you want to get ice cream?"
"Sorry Hiei, I need to stay here Bad things could happen…"
Hiei's eyes widened. "You…You don't mean…you're not talking about…"
"NO! Freak. I just don't want to watch my allowance for the next fifty years evaporate away repairing the damages to my room!" She smiled at Hiei who looked distinctly relieved.
Himizu had now lost interest in the chase. Ducking around Kurama, she sat down in her beanbag chair. Hugging her knees, she watched Kitsune, Kurama, and Rick continue running. Then Kitsune stopped running and they watched the two boys run for a while. Suddenly Kitsune asked,
"Have you ever read A Midsummer Night's Dream?"
"Yeah."
"Remember Puck?"
"Of course! He was here, no da."
"You know what I think he looks like?"
"What?"
"I think he has blue glasses for long-distance, braces on the top teeth, shoulder-length golden-brown hair (commonly pulled back), and wearing jeans and a sweatshirt."
Himizu's eyes flickered back and forth between Kitsune and Ryouko. "You just described Ryouko."
Kitsune slapped her forehead. "You're a genius Himizu-chan."
"I know."
"You know something!" Ryouko yelled in surprise, "That's news for me!"
"Thank you for your kind words Ryouko," replied Himizu sarcastically.
"Anytime."
Suddenly a small light bulb appeared over Himizu's head.
"Hey! You mean Ryouko cast these spells on Rick and Kurama?"
"Welcome to Earth, Himizu! Thank you for landing and joining us!" cried Kitsune.
"But if she's the one that messed with their minds, then," the light bulb suddenly flickered and vanished, "Ryouko is the only one with the power to reverse the effect." She cursed badly enough to make a sailor blush. Then she moved forward, along with Kitsune, to attack Ryouko, who stood her ground.
"If you hit me, I won't change them back."
Himizu and Kitsune froze. Abruptly, Rick and Kurama stopped running and ran to Kitsune and Himizu, glomping them and crying, "My love! Marry me!"
Simultaneously Kitsune and Himizu cried "Get off!" and punched their glompers in the face. At the same time Kitsune cried, "Kurama!" and Himizu cried "Rick!". Then they glared at each other and cried, "What did you do that for?"
There was a pause, and then Rick and Kurama got back up. Rick went to Kitsune and grabbed her around the waist. With a pleading look he said, "Marry me, be my wife." Simultaneously, Kitsune and Himizu punched Rick in the face. Kurama stood in the background admiring Himizu and exclaimed,
"Oh, you're so strong, let me hold you in my arms, sweetie pie!" Himizu sweatdropped and her eyebrow twitched. She said in a deadly tone, "Shut up, or you're next!"
"That's not a nice thing to say to your beloved."
"WILL YOU GET IT THROUGH YOUR THICK-HEADED SKULL THAT I DON'T CARE A FIG ABOUT YOU! I WOULD NOT MARRY YOU IF YOU WERE THE LAST MAN ON EARTH! NOW GET OUT OF MY SIGHT!"
Ryouko and Hiei were now rolling around on the floor, tears of laughter streaming down their cheeks and soaking the carpet. Ryouko reached over and hit Hiei playfully.
"Hey! Don't ruin my carpet."
"You're ruining it too," he retorted.
"But it's my carpet. You don't have my permission to mess it up!"
Suddenly, light bulbs appeared above both Kitsune and Himizu's heads.
"Oh Hiei!" they cried in a singy-song tone, "How would you like to fall madly in love with Ryouko?" They laughed evilly and began to think of how to use their author's powers, when they gasped in surprise as Hiei just shrugged.
"Yeah, sure, whatever. Try your best."
"You don't care if we turn him into a fanatic over you, Ryouko?" they asked in awe.
"Nope. Like he said, try your best. By the way…(hits Hiei) don't you dare steal my line again, you hear?"
"Fine, fine, I heard you once. Plus, you would probably like Karasu better anyway." His face lit up with glee and quickly changed into horror as Ryouko pulled a spare machine gun from her closet, aimed towards Hiei, and her voice became dangerously low as she explained the situation,
"Alright, my dear three-eyed fool, let me explain the situation. First, I'd rather become the head of the Russian Mafia alongside the other hockey freak and my stupid English teacher from Israel called Lia (I really love her though)…"
"Hey, his name is Nikolai Zherdev and he's a better player than Rick Nash. And HE'S NOT FROM THE RUSSIAN MAFIA!" Kitsune bellowed.
"He is sooo not a better player than Rick," Himizu retorted back.
"Is too."
"Is not."
"Is too."
"Is not."
"Is…"
"My dear, beloved, adorable Kitsune, are you implying that the lowlife Russian interests you? Rick said in a hurt tone. Kitsune was about to reply when Ryouko silenced her with a stern look.
"Whatever you two. Furthermore (turning to Hiei) I would NEVER, EVER enjoy being with that crow freak for anything. I'd rather read the "Taming of the Shrew" fifty million times. Capeesh?"
Hiei nodded, "Yes, I capeesh, now please get that thing away from me. Besides, Karasu is gay and is in love with Kurama."
At this, everyone turned to see Kurama huddled in the corner, muttering darkly to himself.
"Poor Kurama, I'm sooo glad I don't feel your pain," muttered Ryouko. Himizu twitched and brushed her neck.
"He deserves to die."
"He did die, idiot. Kurama's plant sucked all his blood out." Ryouko smiled at the memory.
"But that was for the show. In reality, he is still walking among us." Her eyes darted nervously from side to side. Then she smiled evilly. "And when I catch him, he'll wish that he really had died by Kurama's plant. First, I'll hit him on the head with my algebra book. Then, while he's unconscious, I'll run over him once or twice with my grandpa's four-wheeler, which by the way, I drive illegally. Then I'll take a knife and dismember him. Cut off each finger and toe, his hands and feet, his lower arms and legs, and his upper arms and legs. Muwahahaha! And then, while he slowly bleeds to death, I'll set him on fire. First, his hair, then what's left of his clothes. Then, when he's dead, I'll keep the fire burning until he's nothing but ashes. Then…I'll burn the ashes! Then I'll dissolve them in water. When they're dissolved, I'll boil the water until it evaporates, taking away every trace of the evil demented gay crow freak known to us all as Karasu!" Himizu began to laugh evilly. Everyone sweatdropped.
"That's brutal Himizu. You should hook up with Hiei." Ryouko ducked as Hiei's katana barely missed her head, leaning to one side to avoid a punch from Himizu. "Just kidding, jeez."
"Come on guys, Karasu's not that bad," said Kitsune. Everyone stared and sweatdropped. "Nobody deserves that kind of torture!" Everyone relaxed.
"True that!" exclaimed Ryouko, "Did I say Hiei? You should hook up with Ben-Laden!"
"You freak!"
"Moron!"
"Jerk!"
"Himizu no baka!"
"Ryouko no baka!"
"Ningens no bakas, SHUT UP!" Hiei bellowed and silenced the two girls. Everyone stared at him. "WILL YOU QUIT STARING!" Everyone turned away. Ryouko and Himizu growled under their breath.
"Grrr…Hiei no baka…" they both muttered.
"What did you say?" Hiei asked menacingly.
"Ryouko answered, "Well Hiei, we said Hiei no baka. In English, it means Hiei the jerk. In Spanish, Hiei es un idiota. Would you like to know how to say it in Hebrew?"
Hiei growled.
"Ok, I'll take that as a yes. You say, 'Hiei, ata idiot'."
"Really?" Kitsune asked.
"Yep," Ryouko smiled back, "you can even ask Timtam."
"You mean A-tomic bomb?" Kitsune asked between giggles.
"You mean Eitam? Why do you call Timtam?" Himizu asked.
"Because it's a type of cookie. It's really good too."
"Ok, let's ask him to clarify your insult."
"I told him not to call/instant message me today, because I have unwanted company…"
"HEY, SHUT UP! You're the one who invited us!"
"Well, I can't help it that I have the most freedom from the three of us! See what a computer in your own room can do to you!"
"Hey! I didn't have a computer in my room, and my room still crumpled!" Himizu cried with glee, happy that she had a good argument.
"Then I think you need to open your eyes and look around, my dear Himizu." Ryouko answered in a sarcastic tone. Himizu looked around and a huge sweatdrop appeared at the back of her head.
The blankets on Ryouko's bed were rumpled and scattered. Her many stuffed dogs, cats, birds, and any animal you can think of that were normally piled on shelves next to the bed were all over the floor. Ryouko's clock also lay on the floor. The many posters of animals, newspaper clippings, and wolf pictures had blown off the wall and lay scattered all over the room. Her framed wolf puzzle had fallen onto her bed and the pieces had scattered. Ryouko's bookshelf had fallen forward and her books were scattered. Her wolf statues had also been scattered, but amazingly, they were not broken. Framed photos of friends, snow-globes, sketches, everything that was on Ryouko's desk was on the floor. The only two things that hadn't been disturbed were a light above the keyboard, and Ryouko's computer. Himizu managed a grin.
"Well, at least nothing was broken. Remember, nothing was broken in my room, and mine was worse. I have more statues than you, and more books. Plus, somehow, my little dresser was opened. You know, the one with all my postcards and yearbooks and newspaper clippings and photographs and etc. etc…"
"True. You do need to clean out your junk drawer."
"JUNK DRAWER? Look around you Ryouko. A lot of the stuff that's scattered around your room is similar to what's in my so-called junk drawer. So is this a junk room?"
Ryouko was about to reply when she began to laugh. The reason for her laughter was Kurama. Taking advantage of Himizu's distraction, he snuck up behind her and hugged her around the neck.
"Yes!" cried Ryouko. "Squeeze her around the neck, tighter and tighter."
"Ryouko, you're evil. Get off, Kurama," Himizu choked out, stomping on his foot with all the strength she could muster. Kurama let go with a yelp of pain and Himizu hid behind Rick Nash. He looked at her strangely and then tried to hug Kitsune, who fled. She looked over at Himizu.
"Can we kill them?"
"NO! The Blue Jackets need Rick so they can win the Stanley Cup. And, unfortunately for me, we need Kurama for our fics." Under her breath, she added, "What did I ever do to deserve this?"
"You were born and Mrs. Ross made us friends," Ryouko answered. Himizu sighed and held up her fist warningly as Kurama moved towards her.
"Why is it I always get the crappy end of the deal? Once Rick leaves, Kitsune is home free while I cry my eyes out while still trying to avoid this red-headed bastard."
"Himizu! You would seek to unsphere the stars with oaths!" Kitsune cried in a dramatic voice.
"Is that Shakespeare?" Himizu wailed in anguish, "Again?"
"Yes, you candlewaster!"
"I don't use candles! I live in the 21st century and am blessed with electricity and the Internet!"
"Whatever." Kitsune then turned to Ryouko. "You shall die a flea's death!" She turned to Rick Nash. "Some strange commotion is going on in your brain."
"I knew you cared for me, my love!"
"Rick?"
"What, my darling?"
"Shut up. Now…" She turned to Kurama. "MY DARLING KURAMA-SAMA! YOU DESERVE NO INSULT!"
"Please…your face is not worth sun burning…" Kurama answered, edging closer and closer to Himizu.
"DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT IT, YOU BASTARD!"
"Think and die." Ryouko muttered to Hiei as they both sniggered at the sight of the four people quarrelling and the argument between Himizu and Kitsune, who were throwing Shakespeare insults at each other. They had finally reached the villain part.
"Horrible villain!"
"Honeysuckle villain!"
"Notorious villain!"
"Villain of the Earth!"
"My love, do not quarrel with this low life. You are worth so much more than her." Rick Nash and Kurama ran to embrace Kitsune and Himizu, but were stopped by a punch in the face from Kitsune (Kurama) and Himizu (Rick).
"WHO are you calling a low life!" Both Kitsune and Himizu glared menacingly at the two cowering boys.
"Oh well, Kurama-sama, I can forgive you for everything. You should be thankful you're such a bishi!" Kitsune smiled lovingly.
"What!" Himizu asked in awe, "You would FORGIVE KURAMA! The sight of him doth unfix my hair!"
"What are you talking about? Your hair is always unfixed." Ryouko retorted and smiled proudly at the death glare Himizu gave her.
"Well, you know. Kurama could use a haircut…" Kitsune said. At those words, Kurama dashed behind Ryouko and yelled loudly.
"DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT CUTTING MY HAIR, YOU UNEARTHLY INCOMPETENT! OR I SWEAR I'LL TURN TO YOUKO AND LET MY DEATH TREE LOOSE ON YOU!"
"Anything you want to do to Kitsune…OUTSIDE!" Ryouko growled at Kurama. Kurama gave her an innocent look.
"You make it sound like it's a bad thing…"
"Well, yeah… The salvia of that freakin' tree of yours will melt my carpet!"
"Himizu grinned wickedly. "I'll give him a haircut, Kitsune. I don't care if that evil death tree eats me. I want that evil death tree to eat me! And if I don't get eaten, I'll stuff his hair into a pillow, sell it on E-bay, and use the money to buy the Blue Jackets! That would make life more interesting!" She smiled cheerfully as she imagined what changes she could make to her favorite team. Rick eyed her warily and edged nervously away from her. "First, I'd tie Marc Denis to his net so he can't go wandering off. Then, I'd take $1,000 off Jody Shelly, David Ling, and Jeremy Reich's payrolls every time they didn't fight. And, of course, I would make sure that referees do not blow their whistles for a full three seconds after losing sight of the puck. That one ref, I am going to find out where he lives because he is evil! He cheated us out of at least three goals!"
"Himizu, do the world a favor and SHUT UP! Cierra la boca! Caiate! Shteki! If I knew how to say shut up in any other languages, I would say it in those too!"
"Okay, okay, I get the picture. Leave me alone. That goes for you too Kurama! I don't want to go back to the House of the Nutcases! I'm finally in remission and I want to stay there! I want out! AHAHHHHH!"
Kitsune joined her in the scream. "I want out too! I want my Kurama-sama back! WAHHHHH!" Kitsune sobbed. She threw herself around Kurama's legs and clung to him as he struggled to shake her off. Rick waited, ready to seize her once she was loose. Then Kurama ran to embrace Himizu. Almost immediately, she kicked him in the shin and grabbed Ryouko's machine gun. She held it up and placed the muzzle against her chest, near her heart. Her fingers went to the trigger.
"STTTOOOPPPP!" Ryouko's heart-wrenching cry caused everyone to freeze. She stood in front of Himizu and gripped the gun. "I want to do it." She squeezed the trigger.
Kurama cried out, "Himizu! My love! Noooooo!"
Himizu stared down at the gun. "Why am I still alive?"
Ryouko examined the gun. "Oh dear. I'm out of bullets."
"Noooooo!" cried Himizu as Kurama seized her and embraced her lovingly. "I can't take it anymore! AHHHH!" She tore out of Kurama's arms and ran out Ryouko's door, waving her arms and screaming. Ryouko and Hiei fell onto the floor, nearly choking with laughter. Kurama looked quite miserable, now that his "beloved" was gone. Rick didn't seem to have noticed that anything had happened. Kitsune stared after her, half admiringly, half pityingly.
"She'll be back in the House of the Nutcases by the morning. On the other hand, I would love to join her."
"How can you say that, darling?" cried Rick.
"Very easily. I'll even say it again if you like."
Himizu, meanwhile, had run up the stairs and towards the front door. She threw it open and skidded to a halt. A large charter-type bus sat in Ryouko's driveway and a group of people were walking towards the house. It took only a hundredth of a second for Himizu to comprehend this bizarre scenario. Then she gave a joyful squeal. "Yay! Blue Jackets!"
Downstairs, Ryouko heard Himizu's joyful cry. "Uh-oh," she exclaimed as she shot off after Himizu. Racing up the stairs and out the door, Ryouko skidded to a halt. Himizu was running around happily, talking at a hundred miles an hour, trying valiantly to carry on a conversation with all 20 Blue Jackets at once. "What the…!" cried Ryouko. All heads turned towards her. Himizu even stopped talking. (Gasp!)
Then one of the Jackets asked, "Do you live here?"
"Of course. This is my house. She's my insane friend. She doesn't live here."
Jody Shelly, the toughest player, who is nearly toothless, stepped forward.
"Then you must be the one who kidnapped Rick Nash. Well the game's up, so give him back."
Ryouko bristled. "Excuse me! Me, a kidnapper? Are you nuts! I have a life, you know. I have ambition to do other things, like being an assassin. If I had done anything to Nick Rash, I would have had him murdered, buried, and forgotten!" She yelped as Himizu kicked her.
"How dare you talk that way about Rick! Especially after all the stuff you've done today!" Ryouko lifted her eyebrows with an evil grin.
At that precise moment, Kitsune appeared leading Rick Nash on a leash. All the Blue Jackets, Ryouko, and Himizu did face faults.
"Kitsune, what the heck are you doing to poor Rick! He's not a pet puppy! He's a living human being, extremely cute, and a darn good hockey play!" exclaimed Himizu.
"I want to make an exchange," Kitsune answered. Everyone stared blankly. "Let me explain."
"Yes, you better explain," grumbled Ryouko. By now, Hiei and Kurama had appeared. Kurama was so stunned, he didn't even charge Himizu. Even Hiei was unable to come up with some sarcastic comment. Two records in one day!
"Well, my stupid elves don't understand directions apparently. I distinctly told them to deliver a message to Nikolai Zherdev. You think that would be simple enough, but nooo. They go and deliver the note to Rick instead. And then Ryouko did that stupid Puck imitation. So now, I'm going to sort this whole mess out. Where's Nikolai?"
Himizu caught a glimpse of the slender young Russian hiding behind some of the bigger members of the team, sweatdrops gliding down his face. Himizu shook her head in pity, but quickly brightened at the thought of finally getting Rick back. But Ryouko had other ideas.
"No way! Nooo way! Uh-uh, not happening. I am not having two hockey players in my house. One is one too many."
"Okay, let's go to my house!" cried Himizu. "And all the Blue Jackets can come." Ryouko pressed a hand to her forehead and pretended to faint. Jody Shelly was beginning to look annoyed.
"No exchanges. No bargains.
Just give back Rick Nash."
"Not until I get Nikolai!"
Kitsune retorted. Jody advanced, looking quite dangerous.
Ryouko turned and pulled Himizu and Kitsune back towards the house. As Jody reached out a hand to stop her, without a second thought, Ryouko's fist flew up, connecting solidly with Jody's jaw. Then she resumed pushing the girls back inside. She stopped Kitsune at the doorway.
"He stays," she said pointing to Rick and the doorstep.
"Never! I must have Nikolai!" Kitsune protested. Jody, meanwhile, was spitting out yet another tooth.
"Man, that girl hits harder than most of the wimps I've fought."
Ryouko snickered. "You should see Keiko."
By now, the Blue Jackets were charging. Deciding to abandon her argument for the moment, she hurried into the house, allowing Kitsune to lead Rick in. Then Ryouko began barricading the door.
"Use the chickens," Himizu sniggered.
"Shut up Himizu. This is all your fault. And yours too Kitsune."
The Blue Jackets were now pounding on the door. Himizu began to giggle.
"Oh, this is so much fun! All these Blue Jackets!" Then she began to unbarricade the door.
"What are you doing!" screamed Ryouko. Himizu gazed at her friend and coauthor.
"I'm helping them, baka."
"No more hockey players! This is going way too far!"
"Then reverse the spell," Himizu and Kitsune demanded together. Ryouko considered this. At first, she looked as though she was going to say no, but the door shuddered again under the furious impact from outside and Himizu's hand was straying uncomfortably close to the lock on the door.
"Okay! Okay, I'll do it! Don't let those hockey freaks into my house!"
"Finally," breathed Himizu. "We're getting somewhere."
"Halleluiah!" sang Kitsune. She slid the leash off Rick's neck and Ryouko focused her author powers on the two boys. Within moments, things were normal (sort of). Both boys gazed around the room in confusion. Kitsune broke up the silence.
"Kurama-sama!" she squealed, hugging him. Kurama gently squeezed her back. Himizu hugged Rick happily. He looked very surprised and patted her back awkwardly. Himizu reached back and arranged his arms so that he was returning her hug. Happy-ending music played in the background while Hiei pretended to vomit. Ryouko rolled her eyes.
"This is all wonderful, but…Can we get these hockey players off my property!"
"Awww, do we have too?" Himizu and Kitsune asked together. Then, as though remembering something, Kitsune slapped Rick across the face. He stared at her in shock.
"Wha-Why'd you do that?"
"Because you called Nikolai Zherdev a low-life Russian!"
"I…I did?"
"Kitsune, you know that reverse of author power can cause temporary amnesia. Leave him alone."
"All right, Himizu, chill."
Rick peeked out the window. "Oh hey! It's the guys!"
Ryouko hurriedly opened the door. "Out, out, out, go, go, go!"
Rick complied, strolling out casually as though he did this all the time. Himizu and Kitsune followed him. Ryouko, Kurama, and Hiei slowly, grudgingly, did the same. Jody and the others were relieved to see Rick unharmed. As they filed back to their bus, Rick turned and grinned at Ryouko.
"I had a lot of fun here. I think I'll come back again sometime."
"Don't even think about it," she hissed through clenched teeth.
"I've already thought about it. Don't worry, I'll be back." He grinned more widely and winked at her in a way that could not be mistaken for anything other than flirtatious. Ryouko turned pink, white, red, blue, and a strange purplish color. Kurama and Hiei both seized her and she struggled wildly to escape them and attack Rick.
"How dare he? Let me at him! I'll teach that no-good hockey freak to flirt with me! Give me five minutes, just five! I'll teach him a lesson he will never forget!" She clawed the air wildly as Kurama and Hiei bravely attempted to hold her back. Rick smiled at Himizu.
"Strange friend you have there. Cute too."
Himizu put on a mock pout. "Are you implying something?"
"Hey, I like you too Himizu, but your friend Ryouko is really something. Do me a favor and try to educate her about hockey. Teach her that it's not bad at all."
"I've been trying ever since we became friends," Himizu replied. Ryouko hissed viciously, curiously resembling an angry cat.
"Nikolai!" screamed Kitsune abruptly. Nikolai took one look at the joyous female running towards him and fled down the street. Kitsune began chasing him and, to Ryouko, Himizu, and Hiei's amusement, Kurama began to chase Kitsune. His long red hair flying, Kurama held out his arms calling,
"Kitsune!"
Kitsune ignored him, holding out her own arms and calling, "Nikolai!"
Nikolai ran, waving his arms in the air calling, "Ahhh! Help!" Rick started to follow to rescue Nikolai, but Himizu restrained him.
"He'll be back. He's running up the cul-de-sac."
Sure enough, a few moments later the strange procession appeared again. Now they could see Nikolai's face, which was quite frightened. Pushing past the Blue Jackets who weren't yet on the bus, he settled himself safely on the bus. Kitsune gave a sigh of frustration, but didn't mourn long. Kurama had caught up with her and she turned her attention to him.
Himizu sighed. "You guys probably have to go now, don't you."
"Unless you want us to stay here and forfeit our game against Detroit."
"Forfeit to Detroit! Never! I'd rather be chopped up by Hiei's katana than watch Columbus forfeit to Detroit. Score some goals for me and give Detroit something to think about, will ya'?"
"Sure. We love beating Detroit too. I'll try to stop by sometime. Here's my number," and he handed her a scrap of paper with a phone number on it. Himizu took it as though it were a precious treasure. Tears sprang to her eyes as she threw her arms around him.
"This was the best mistake Kitsune has ever made," she whispered.
Then Rick politely shook hands with Kitsune and Kurama. Kurama had forgotten his initial hatred and accepted the hand cheerily. Rick extended his hand towards Hiei, who glared disdainfully. Rick reached out further, so Hiei pulled out his katana with a rush of steel.
"Put that hand a hundredth of a centimeter closer and I'll chop it off, followed closely by your head."
Rick held up his hands in a gesture of peaceful surrender before turning to Ryouko.
"I really did have a good time here, despite your tricks. I'll come back sometime, I promise." Ryouko made a face. Before she could move, Rick gave her a quick squeeze and jogged towards the bus. Ryouko remained frozen like a glacier, before giving a yell of rage and running at Rick, who was climbing onto the bus. Himizu waved cheerily.
"Come back soon, all of you. Kick Detroit for me! Bye!" She held out her arm to check Ryouko's mad headlong dash. "Even though you continually try to kill or anger me, I cannot let you run out in front of that bus. We need you to help type the fics." Ryouko scowled and hissed wildly as Rick waved at them. Himizu watched, tears streaming openly down her cheeks as she watched them go, a pitiful scrap of paper the only physical remaining trace of Rick. Ryouko glared at her.
"Let's go back inside," she grumbled.
"Awww, Ryouko, I think Rick has the hots for you," teased Kitsune.
"Blurgh! Himizu can have him," she retorted.
"Ryouko, you're blushing," Kurama said, a grin on his face. Ryouko turned to Hiei.
"Is that true?" she demanded. Hiei nodded solemnly, looking distinctly glad that all the hockey players were gone. Ryouko stomped back inside.
"Ugh. Spare me from psycho hockey players."
"Hiei's the one that's psycho, not the hockey players," exclaimed Himizu abruptly. She had been staring, as though in a trance, down the road where the bus had vanished. Now she was smiling happily. "You know, I think I'm going to take him up on his offer."
"What offer?" demanded Ryouko.
"I'm going to call Rick and invite him back."
"DON'T YOU DARE!" cried Ryouko, seizing the scrap and ripping it to shreds. Himizu, however, smiled dreamily and drifted back to Ryouko's room as though floating on clouds. Once she was seated on her beanbag chair, Himizu pulled out the purple notebook and began writing in the margins. Kitsune peered over Himizu's shoulder. A grin lit up on her face.
"Is that what I think it is?"
"Probably," Himizu answered.
"Tell him to bring Nikolai down too. Or even that other Russian person. What was his name?"
"Alexander Svitov?"
"Yeah him."
"I'll see what I can do, Kitsune."
Ryouko now peered over Himizu's shoulder. The margin of the page she was writing on was now filled with the same series of numbers. Ryouko groaned.
"How did you memorize it so fast?" she moaned.
"Because it has some sense and a lot of meaning." Himizu sighed happily, as she continued to scribble the same number repeatedly.
"I always knew there was something wrong with that girl," grumbled Hiei.
"Now I don't care if I go back to the House of the Nutcases. You're allowed two phone calls a day, plus unlimited TV and Internet. I think I'll get his screename and e-mail address next.
Ryouko ran to her telephone and dialed an extremely familiar number.
"Hello? Is this the House of the Nutcases? Your patient Himizu, the one that's in remission? I think it's time for her to go back. She's behaving oddly." She paused, listening to the person at the other end. "Yes, it started when this weird hockey player she has a crush on came over. She started talking at an abnormal pace and she was flirting shamelessly. Then Kurama started flirting with her, with my encouragement of course. She went berserk. She was ranting and screaming and trying to commit suicide, not to mention talking about killing someone that's already dead. Then the Blue Jackets arrived and she started talking too fast again. Then Rick, that's the hockey player, left, but he gave her his phone number and now she's sitting on my beanbag chair writing his number over and over and over. She memorized that number at almost a glance. I tore it up." Another pause. "You'll send someone over? Thank you so much! Oh, by the way, I think Kitsune needs checked out. She's been screaming a lot lately too and she tried to kidnap another hockey player and actually chased him up and down my street. You'll send someone for her too, won't you? Please?" Another pause, very expectant on Ryouko's side. She looked immensely relieved. "You will? Oh thank you! Yes, same place. Okay, thank you. Good bye." She hung up with a smile of satisfaction. Kitsune moaned in horror.
"Ryouko, how could you? I thought you were our friend."
"I am. I'm trying to help you. You both need plenty of care and you need to be watched. You might hurt yourselves someday."
Himizu didn't even seem to notice. She was still writing Rick's number and was now singing two lines from a song from the musical Annie.
"Someday I'll be in the nuthouse, with all the nuts and a squirrel." She repeated these lines over and over again. Ryouko patted her head gently.
"Poor Himizu. Such a fragile mind. What a pity."
A loud knock sounded from upstairs. Ryouko turned to Hiei.
"Would you let them in please?" she asked with a sweet smile. Hiei scowled, but complied. Moments later, four men, bearing between them two stretchers, burst into the room. Kitsune ducked into a corner, whimpering.
"Thank goodness you're here!" cried Ryouko. Two men seized Kitsune and strapped her to a stretcher, deaf to her pleas.
"Don't take me back there, I'm normal! Really, I am!"
"Sure, sure, that's what you all say," one of the men grunted. Kurama elected to walk with Kitsune to keep her company. The remaining two men seized Himizu, who did not resist, assist, or take any notice whatsoever of her captors. Still determinedly clutching the purple notebook and pen, still covering said notebook with Rick Nash's phone number, she continued to sing merrily even as she was being strapped up and carried away. "Someday I'll be in the nuthouse, with all the nuts and a squirrel!"
Ryouko sighed with relief and threw herself into her chair. She glanced around, but Hiei was gone.
"Crazy fire demon. You'd think he'd have the decency to let me know he was leaving." Then she settled in at her computer to finish the latest fic. Then she would probably have to go to the House of the Nutcases to see if her friends were doing any better. She sighed again as the tapping of the computer keys filled the room. An author's work was never done, especially hers.
Author's Notes:
No actual Kitsunes were hurt in the making of this fic. And also, I would like to add that my character was out of character. I don't say shut up, I don't insult people, I'm a nice person, and I'm somewhat shy around hot hockey players. That is all, thank you!
Kitsune
Finally, I've finished typing this fic! Boy does it bring back memories (seeing as it's almost three years after we wrote it). At least it's done and we can finally post it up! And on a side note, my ruined room (which technically speaking isn't mine anymore) is just fine, so no worries! Hope you enjoyed the story and let us know what you think! And I resent being known as a twit, devious blackmailer will suffice.
Ryouko
Heh, I loved writing this. I love Rick, and I wish I really did have his phone number and screen name and all that. (Sigh) Anyways, my goal is accomplished! I finally have a fic that incorporates the Blue Jackets and doesn't just mention them! Mwa ha ha! Anyways, what can I say? Ryouko is a devious blackmailing twit, but Kitsune and I had our moments I think. Hope you liked it, and go read our other (sadly Blue Jacket-less) fics!
Himizu