I have been tried and tested. I have been charged.
Not by the Judge or the jury of a court, but by the jury of the street, the people who once saw me as a friend. My staff at work, that now despise me. I had a brilliant bloke. He is a brilliant bloke. I have fallen. Fallen through the floor again. I've hit self destruct, the pain from what i had done becoming too much, it's swallowing me.
I killed two people. Maddie, she was eighteen, eighteen she was to young. And Kal, he was a dad. A son. A lover. What i was feeling is nothing. Nothing compared to the grief i had caused their families.
Standing on the cliff edge. Wishing. Wishing for that big gust of wind to take everything away. Take me away. This is just fate. Fate. The hand that we're dealt. The flip of a coin. The roll of a dice. Red, black. Red.. black. The 'winning' sign flashing up on the screen never mattered. Never. I have gambled. Gambled it all. Head's i stand, tails i fall. That's all it takes, the flip of a coin to determine my life.
The self hate. The loudness, it was no longer quiet. It's loud, so loud. I can still hear it, the flames. The rushing, the roaring. I can't sleep. Can't close my eyes, i see it. All of it.
I can feel it. The heat, i can see the smoke. The flames getting higher, getting darker by the minute. The dark was swallowing me. Still swallowing me.
I am breaking down, still breaking. Slowly, but all the same i am breaking. I am hanging by a thread. But, i can't trust my head. I can't, when i'm standing on the edge. Hanging by a thread.
The voices telling me i had been abandoned. You had let go of my hand. I was waiting. Waiting for you, to see your footprints coming towards me. Everything is quiet, so much quieter when you're there. Carrying me. Carrying me to safety.
You're the one who always picks me up, carries me. When i'm at my lowest, at my lowest ebb. My weakest. You're there holding me, suddenly the pain is gone, the hurt. The self loathing. Everything. It's gone. You never let go, you held me in your embrace. It's warm, so warm.
The loudness, darkness. Roaring of the flames. No longer there, it's calm. I am safe. You helped me, you help me. Always. I was lost just waiting to be found. Waiting for you. Waiting to see your footprints.