Author's Note: This is how I think Addison feels about Violet's return in this week's episode "Second Choices." The dialogue between Pete and Violet comes from the sneak peek that you can see on YouTube and doesn't belong to me.
*~Someone To Cling To~*
Seeing Violet standing there on the other side of the door has her shivering. She doesn't know what else to do except keep touching the baby in her arms.
She rubs his back, fingers his hair, plays with his fingers. She just has to keep touching him. She has to remind herself that he's still there – pressed against her side, in her arms – his baby smell surrounding her.
Violet's voice is distant like she's inside a tunnel, but she can hear her words as clear as day. Just like she can hear the strain in her voice. "I should have called first."
Pete's voice sounds the same – distant but somehow clear at the same time and there's a giant lump she has to swallow as she listens. "Uh-uh …No, no." He stutters briefly before shaking his head. "It's fine."
She watches as Violet steps in and her voice is quieter now, almost at a whisper level. "So you and Addison…"
The look on Pete's face is apologetic but he doesn't say anything and the next thing she knows Violet's blue/grey eyes are staring at her. She swallows herself and gives her a nod saying, "Addison, hello."
She can feel it – that horrible feeling – the sense deep inside her that her heart is about to break. She's swaying on her feet, there's a haze falling over her head, her throat is tight and she feels as though her skin is being pricked by dozens of tiny needles all at once.
Those are the signs. The signs that always come before the heartbreak.
She pats Lucas' back and squeaks out, "Hi," while desperately fighting the urge to cry.
"Wow." Violet whispers. "He's gotten so big."
The brunette closes her eyes, trying to fight back tears of her own. Pete senses this and moves further away from her and Lucas. His handsome face is soft but anguished at the same time. "Violet…" He starts, but she interrupts.
"I know. I know. I'm crying. But look at him…He's like fifteen."
A sigh falls from Pete's lips. "He's not fifteen."
The anguish in Violet's voice is evident just like the tears she's trying to fight back are. "He's fifteen." She insists, almost hysterical. "He's fifteen and I haven't been here. I was in the crazy and then I was – I was in Costa Rica and then I was in New York –"
Confused, Pete asks, "You were in New York?"
But Violet just continues. "Then I was out of the crazy and I came back here and he's fifteen and now I'm just a stranger to him and you and Addison are…"
"It's okay, Violet." He tells her.
"No." She insists quietly. "No, it's not okay. I'm his mother."
Hearing those words- I'm his mother- coming from her lips, has Addison touching Lucas again. Repeating her motions from earlier – rubbing his back, fingering his hair, playing with his little fingers and inhaling his baby smell. She's even bringing him closer…Needing him closer as Violet is breaking down, the tears finally becoming too much.
"I am his mother." She sobs, voice cracking. "And I haven't…I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry that I couldn't…I am so, so, so sorry."
Pete senses she's about to leave and he touches her arm while stepping in front of her. "W-would you like to hold him?" He asks.
That question stops Violet's sobbing and softly she asks, "Can I?"
Immediately she can feel her body tensing – coiling tightly like a spring and she can feel her eyes growing wide and her mouth falling open slightly. Her eyes dart straight to Pete's, staring into the chocolate pools with fear, that she knows rationally, she has no right to have.
Closing her mouth, she listens to the baby sounds Lucas makes and loosens her hold on his tiny body while Pete reaches for him. She has the colorful towel – the spit up towel – on her shoulder and she's touching it, almost as if she's trying to capture the heat of his body so it feels like he's still there.
She stands there – barely a foot away – watching as Violet's face lights up and she feels sick.
She feels sick for wanting to take this moment away. She feels sick because that little baby healed all the brokenness inside of her and now those old wounds – the ones with the names Derek, Mark, Kevin, Wyatt – they're opening up again…All her failures are coming back in full force and she just wants to crumble under their weight all over again.
But she doesn't.
She stands there and listens as Pete says, while handing Lucas to Violet, "That's your Mom. That's your Mommy."
"Hi." Violet breathes, the euphoric tone in her voice evident. "Hi."
(Hello, have you been alright?
Did you find a piece of something
Wrapped around the light side of your life
To make you feel better?
Did you get out with your sanity?
Did you save a little something for the people in need?
Did you know with the rain in your pockets, you can change the
Weather?) ("Loss, Strain, Butterflies" by Matchbox20)
Her whole body was trembling along with her lips and her stomach sank to the soles of her feet. Her eyes close and are shut tight, the scene before her becoming too much to take.
But they don't stay shut for long. Her eyelashes start to flutter and when they open, Lucas is back in Pete's arms but there's no relief because Violet is smiling – beaming, really – and her hands are all over her son, tickling his stomach, ruffling his hair, touching his cheeks.
And with each bubbly sound that leaves the baby's lips, there is nothing but pain – selfish pain – but pain, nonetheless, filling her up to the point that she wants to scream.
But she doesn't have the right to scream. She doesn't have any rights when it comes to that baby. She's just his Daddy's girlfriend. Nothing more and nothing less.
And it's a sickening feeling getting bitched slapped by the cold hardness of the reality, she had been trying to fight and trying to ignore since she started sleeping with Pete months ago.
Even when Violet leaves moments later, the sting from the slap of reality, lingers and all she can do is cling to Lucas when Pete gives her to him again.
She has to cling to him. It's wrong and she knows it, but right has always been far from her reach. Wrong has always come easier to her than right and even though it's wrong, she needs this baby.
And the thought of losing him kills her and she knows that's what will happen. She'll lose him and she collapses against Pete, knowing he is unaware of the emotions swirling inside of her and she thinks it's better this way because him knowing will only make the impending loss, that she can feel in her bones, that's coming even worse.
(I'm looking for someone to cling to, yeah
Girl, what do you think about that?
Well this time, yeah it all comes down
To loss, strain and butterflies
Then it comes down to me.
Well this time, yeah it all comes down
To loss, strain and butterflies
Hey yeah yeah, come down to me)
Song used "Loss, Strain, Butterflies" by Matchbox20. If you haven't seen the promo, you can find the link in my profile and watch if you want.