Empty. That was the word for her at that moment. Completely drained of all energy, adrift still in confusion, sadness and regret for things that now would never happen. Jack wasn't a bad man, simply misguided. His heart was in the right place, but he simply lacked the right direction. Peggy could have helped him but now he was gone forever.
At least she was able to 'make up' to him just before the Whitney Frost case was closed. But she still felt it was inadequate and paper thin waiting to be torn by the weight of its imperfection.
Setting her purse down in her New York apartment, she unceremoniously collapsed onto her couch, eyes dry but burning like a hot sand storm. Peggy had felt so much in L.A. when Sousa came to tell her that Jack had been found, dead on the floor of the hotel and now she was just empty of just about everything.
Daniel's eyes swam with emotions of bewilderment, disbelief and anger, "Peggy, I got some bad news."
Peggy looked up from packing her suitcase for her flight back to New York, suddenly concerned that this would mean their fledging relationship was already in the tank, "What?"
"Jack." Daniel cleared his throat, eyes dodging between the floor, Peggy, the window, back to Peggy as if the words were to disgusting to say and he was ashamed, "Jack was found… shot. He's… he's dead."
Carter felt her mouth fall open, a small intake of breath made a sound but her ears roared as if she was drowning in the Pacific Ocean. "When?" she managed, hands numb, dropping her clothes limply into the suitcase.
"A tech that came with him from New York found him when he didn't show up for his taxi to the airport." Sousa answered, stepping closer to her in case she was uncharacteristically weak. Actually, he needed a hug more than her, it seemed.
Scalding rage burned her followed by shock. Looking at Daniel, she saw that they both were stunned. Wrapping her arms around his shoulders, they stood together in an embrace, remembering their friend who deserved a better death than assassination.
She saved the hot tears of grief and regret for her private moments.
Peggy didn't know how long she sat there on her couch in her funeral black. Her hands remembered the texture of Thompson's parent's hands; dry, aged, wrinkled and worn. Their rheumy eyes swimming with sorrow when she met them. She could see where Jack got his blue eyes and height in his parents, who did their best to put on the brave face in the moment of their great loss. The irony that their son made it through the worlds largest conflict known to man and instead was gunned down in his own country was not lost upon them.
Carter had maintained her stiff British upper lip and said the words they wanted to hear, words of comfort and how brave and dutiful their son had been. He would be a void of leadership the SSR would find difficult to fill. He was a credit to his country. They smiled gratefully, the smile never making it to their eyes and went to bury their son. Carter left the funeral feeling as empty as the grave hole Jack would soon occupy.
Unbidden, Edwin's voice cut into her soul.
"And yet every one around you dies!" Jarvis spat furiously kicking up a dust cloud about him, then muttered like a regretful child as the sand settled, "I'm sorry… I really shouldn't have."
The weight of the world pressed harder into her shoulders like a dull knife blade almost cleaving her in two. Gathering her strength, she looked defiantly at the butler, "No. No I'm glad you did. You have begged me to bring you on my adventures since I've arrived in LA. And that's what they are to you. Larks; an enjoyable way to pass the evening. Then, you go home to another man's mansion and listening to your radio shows, blissful in your self imposed ignorance." She paused as the pain washed over her face, draining her spirit. Jarvis swallowed nervously barely able to meet her eyes.
"And when there is a consequence, a horrid ugly consequence, you blame me for the choices you have made. Yes Mr. Jarvis, there is a cost, one I've paid for a hundred times over. Your wife will survive and you can go on in your life knowing nothing of loss. Lucky you." Her voice trailed away into a whisper that sounded louder than a scream.
Lost in her thoughts, she didn't hear the doorbell right away. It sounded like a far away chime, like Big Ben did from time to time in her memories. The knuckles on the door made her jump like a scared rabbit. Then Daniel's concerned voice was on the other side, "Peggy? You ok in there?"
Rising and strangely feeling every joint in her body ache with sudden weariness, she adjusted her dress and walked to the door, "Just a moment, Daniel."
Flicking the lock over, she turned the door handle and Sousa appeared on the other side looking as emotionally drained as she felt. "May I come in?" he finally asked after what seemed to be eternity at the threshold.
"Yes. Please." She woodenly moved out of the way to let him pass through. Daniel looked jet lagged as well as upset. "Can I get you something? Coffee? Tea?" Peggy said mechanically, falling back on old ingrained manners.
A smile tugged at one side of Sousa's mouth, "Peggy, I'm not the Queen. No thanks, I'm fine." He found a chair near her couch and sat down, propping his crutch up at his side. A sigh escaped him.
"Is everything alright?" she asked, also sinking gratefully down to her spot on the couch hoping there wasn't some other catastrophe looming on the horizon.
Daniel looked at her, his warm brown eyes filled with affection. Peggy felt her heart warm at the gaze, "Yes. As right as they can be, all things considered."
"Then you are just checking in on me?" Carter commented dryly.
"Actually I wanted to ask you out on a date. A real date." Daniel stated flatly. Peggy tensed up slightly, Jarvis's words still a painful wound. "It seems we kind of skipped some steps back there in California. I hear that is what the dry heat does to people. Makes them forget things."
Carter rose from her seat and stepped into her kitchen, pouring herself a glass of water to buy herself some time. She could feel Daniel's eyes on her. Mentally laughing at herself depreciatively Peggy noted that she could pick locks, steal artifacts, interrogate suspects, but why did she feel like such a fool with her heart? Returning to the living room she sat again, sipping the water. Finally, she said, "Yes. I think we definitely forgot a few things."
"Well, actually forgot is the wrong word. I remember everything." Daniel smiled the first real smile she saw since Jack's murder.
Peggy smiled genuinely back also reminiscing. "I would love that, Mr. Sousa."
"Excellent." Daniel looked relieved that the hardest part of his visit was over, "By the way, Peg, you know, we'll find out who did this."
"I would expect nothing less. Jack deserves justice." Carter quickly changed her demeanor and tone to business.
"We also have to find Dottie again." Sousa continued earnestly, enjoying the feeling of something to 'do' instead of all the chaos of feelings this week brought upon them.
"Yes. That task will be not as hard, I think." Carter mused.
"Why do you say that?" Daniel grew concerned given the last time they worked with her didn't end well.
"I think she rather likes me." Peggy smiled almost predatorily.
"Not sure that's a good thing." Sousa commented, his brows connecting in worry.
"Want to start right now?" Peggy offered. "We can grab dinner at a little automat I know down the street."
"As long as that doesn't count as our first date. Right?" Daniel cut her a look and Peggy smirked. With that assurance that it was not their first 'date', he continued, "No time like the present, is there?", Daniel returned.