Know My Heart
My two current obsessions are Barson and Rachel Platten's album Wildfire. I heard this song the day after Manhattan Transfer and I couldn't help but think of the scene in Barba's office and what might come after it. Since then I see them in a lot of the songs on the album so I'm going to try and tell their story (or what I would like to be their story) with the help of some of these great songs. If you haven't listened to the album, it's on Spotify and worth your time. If you hear a song on it that you think sounds like them I would love for to hear about it. As usual none of the characters are mine because if they were things would look more like this…
You Don't Know My Heart
Hey my fists are tight and I'm afraid
Cause I cannot, I cannot explain
Your heart is like a hurricane
But can't you see I'm so in pain
Guess I'm not cause I don't talk
And then you write me off again
And I don't think you understand at all
I don't wanna use my mouth
Don't know how to spell it out
Every time I try, it sucks
I just wish you could open me up
And see-e-e-e all the confusion
And the love, the hurt, the wrong words I'm using
Cause tonight, it feels like...
Like you don't know my heart
You, you don't know, you don't know my heart
Feels like eh
You don't know, you don't know my heart
You, you don't know, you don't know my heart
Feels like eh
Why, you say I never really see
That it's only ever about me?
Like I don't listen when you speak
Like it doesn't kill me when your tears fall out
And I cannot catch it
And I do not have the perfect expression
And I don't think you understand at all
I don't wanna use my mouth
Don't know how to spell it out
Every time I try, it sucks
I just wish you could open me up
And see-e-e-e all the confusion
And the love, the hurt, the wrong words I'm using
Cause tonight, it feels like...
Like you don't know my heart
You, you don't know, you don't know my heart
Feels like eh
You don't know, you don't know my heart
You, you don't know, you don't know my heart
For as long as she lived Olivia would never be able to get the look on Barba's face out of her mind. First it was a look of hurt, then betrayal, then anger. She had seen him angry before and so she recognized the look. He had never been angry with her before, not like this.
"You and I are done talking" Of all the words that had been hurled at her today those were the ones that hurt the most, the ones that left her alone, without the person she always went to when she needed someone to understand. She should have stopped him as soon as he started talking about Tucker but honestly she was caught so off guard she didn't know what was happening. Then suddenly the look in his eyes changed and she knew that he knew.
She didn't know which hurt worse his words or that he thought she was intentionally not telling him in order to gain information. He should know her better than that. He should know that she would never betray him like that. The look in his eyes though told her everything that she needed to know, he was done with her.
She turned her attention to trying to figure out where she should go from here. She had been temporarily relieved of duty pending the IAB investigation. They had laid out some of the evidence they had against Tucker and she had to admit it was pretty bad. She still couldn't believe that it was true, Could he have been involved in this the entire time they had been seeing each other? Could she have missed it? The truth was between both of their jobs and Noah they didn't actually see each other all that often. Never more than once a week sometimes not even that often. Their relationship was somewhere between a casual affair and friends with benefits. They met a need the other one each had for some type of companionship and understanding.
She had no idea where Tucker was tonight. He wasn't answering his phone and he hadn't returned her text. She sighed he had told her not to stick her neck out for him maybe this was his way of protecting her. In th back of her mind though she wondered if something else was going on.
A knock at her door interrupted her thoughts. She thought for a minute maybe it was him, but he had never been to her place. She wasn't ready for him to be around Noah yet, they weren't at that place. She was almost afraid to open it wondering what else could happen today. She was shocked to find Barba standing on the other side of her door, looking as bad as she felt.
"Barba…"She said stepping aside as he made his way into her apartment.
"Where's Noah?" He asked.
"Asleep, it's after 9:00." She said trying to figure out why he was here.
He nodded and paced around her apartment nervously.
"Why are you here Barba? I thought we were done talking." She said the hurt obvious in her voice.
"And I thought we could trust each other?" He replied bitterly,
"I do trust you" She pointed out.
"Not enough to tell me that you were sleeping with Tucker." He said.
She cringed at the way he said the words, "Nobody knew about Tucker and I, not until today anyways, our relationship was complicated." She tried to explain.
"That seems to be how you like your relationships complicated with men that you don't fully trust and won't fully give yourself to." Barba said wishing immediately that he hadn't.
His words felt like a smack across her face, he wasn't one to resort to that kind of low blow. She stared at him for a second. "So is that why you are here? To tell me that I have a lousy history with men? Thanks, I already know that."
Barba shook his head, "I came to tell you that I'm recusing myself from any part of this case."
Olivia stared at him again, "You don't have to do that for me Barba."
"I'm not doing it for you Liv," He said looking away his voice softer. Olivia's heart pulled a little when he called her Liv. "I'm doing it for me. I won't be a part in you throwing away your career for a man like Ed Tucker. I don't know where you and I go from here Liv but I won't have us go down like that."
Olivia could feel the tears forming in her eyes. Why did this have to be so damn complicated? She realized he was walking to her door getting ready to leave. She was filled with panic at what might happen if he left while things were this way.
"Please don't go." She said barely over a whisper in a tone that Barba had never heard from her before. 'I want to try and explain and make things right with us."
He turned back to her tossed his coat on the back of her couch, "OK explain" he said his voice still angry.
"I should have said something about Tucker and I as soon as you brought it up today. You caught me so off guard that I didn't know what to do. By the time my brain caught up you had already figured things out. I wasn't trying to get information from you Barba, I would never do that." She told him honestly.
A somewhat embarrassed look came over him, "I know you wouldn't, I trust you remember."
"Barba I do trust you." She said again.
"Then why did you never tell me about you and Tucker? We are supposed to be friends" He asked, Olivia was unable to make out the emotion behind his words.
Olivia stared at the floor for a minute before answering him, "Because I knew my relationship with Tucker was never going to go anywhere. It was just…"
"It was just what?" He asked not letting her off yet.
"It was just something to take my mind of the work and the stress, there were no strings attached and when it started that's all I thought I wanted."
Barba nodded seeming to understand, "And now you want more? You want something with strings? You've fallen in love with him haven't you?"
Tears began to form in Olivia's eyes and her emotions threatened to take over, "No, Barba, I'm not in love with him. He's not the one I want something more with. If you really understood me you would know that."
"I don't understand then why him?" Barba asked his voice starting to rise again.
"Because, how I feel about him doesn't scare me and I knew I could walk away at any time and I would be all right. I knew we didn't care enough about each other for either of us to get hurt" She told him the tears falling from her eyes.
Barba crossed the room to her and put his hands on her shoulders, "Is that all you want Liv, A relationship where you don't have to worry about getting hurt?"
"If you could see everything that's going on inside of me you would know that is isn't what I want." She said their eyes fixed on each other's.
"Tell me what's going on inside of you." He said softly
"I can't" She whispered
"Tell me or tell me to leave Liv, you have to choose." He said his eyes pleading with her.
She opened her mouth to try to speak but like earlier in his office no words would come only this time she didn't turn to leave she closed the remaining distance between them and pressed her lips to his and she immediately felt his arms wrap around her and pull her closer into him. She wrapped her arms around his neck and they lost themselves in the fire of their tongues clashing together, their hands grasping at each other as if they were both afraid to let go.
When they finally broke apart for a second Olivia managed to say with ragged breath, "I was with Tucker because I hoped it would keep me from thinking about being with you."
With those words Barba covered her mouth with his again putting every bit of emotion that he had felt that day into the kiss. He heard her let out a moan and he pulled her closer running one hand through her hair and the other still firmly wrapped around her waist.
"If you wanted to be with me all you had to do was say so." He said between kisses.
"I was afraid." She confessed as she kissed him again.
He pulled back for a minute putting his hands on either side of her face, "What were you afraid of?"
"Of how much I feel for you and how much I know you feel for me." She told him.
"And now?" He asked
"I'm only afraid of losing you." She said tears beginning to form.
"Not going to happen My Love." He said as he began to kiss her again.
As the kiss depended Barba was finding it impossible to keep his hands still as her body pressed into his. He allowed one to drop from her waist to the curve of her hip and land on her backside and he heard her moan again.
"Should we stop?" He asked her praying the answer was no.
She responded by taking his hand and leading him to her bedroom. "I don't want to stop." She told him as she pulled him close again as the bedroom door closed behind them.
BARSONBARSONBARSONBARSON
"Should, I leave before Noah wakes up?" Barba asked her as the first light began to peak through her widow the next morning.
Olivia smiled as kissed him, "Well, I would rather he not found us like this, but we could get dressed and make some breakfast. I mean if you want to." She said suddenly worried he might want to leave.
He smiled at her as he climbed out of her bed and pulled on his pants, "Does he like pancakes?" he asked heading towards her kitchen.
"Yes" She called out after him smiling as she watched him go still trying to figure out how things had turned around so quickly. Her thoughts were interrupted by the buzzing of her phone; it was a text from Tucker.
We need to meet this morning
Olivia took a breath and headed out to tell Barba about it when she heard Noah coming down the hall.
"Mamma, Rafi's here" He said with some confusion.
'Yes, Rafi's going to make us pancakes." She said picking up her son while handing Barba her phone at the same time.
"And bacon?" Noah asked
Barba nodded turning his attention from the phone back to the child, "I can make bacon".
After they finished breakfast Noah wondered off to play and Liv and Barba sat at the table. "So what are you going to do?" He asked her taking her hand in his.
"I think I should meet with him and tell him that we are over and that he needs to get a good lawyer." She told him.
"I'll go with you." He said.
"No you won't. I can handle Tucker and you don't need to get yourself in trouble." She told him.
He knew that arguing with her would be pointless, "You will meet him in public right? And call me as soon as you are done?"
She leaned across the table and kissed him, "I promise. You really think he's dirty don't you?" She asked.
Barba looked at her, "I hope that I'm wrong Liv I really do. I should probably go home and change before work." He said with a smile.
They walked to the door and Barba pulled Olivia in for a kiss, "Please be careful Liv. I love you."
Olivia pressed her lips to his, "You worry too much, but I love you anyways."
Barba smiled as he walked down the stairs of her building but he still couldn't help but think that her meeting Tucker alone was a bad idea.
TBC