It's hypnotizing, the motion of the waves. The way they slide so gently up the shore; their equally soft retreat; the lapping of the world at the edges of its wounds. In there must be a million souls or maybe more; at least the entire population of Japan, if not the world. All the world, bound to the sea, except for two souls: one who sits watching on the beach and the other, the bringer of its destruction, wandering in a wasteland of his creation.
Asuka doesn't know where Shinji is. He left some time ago, following the spine of the sea down the coast. He left because he could no longer bear to look at Asuka, who was killed by his inaction but whom his actions would only hurt. His footprints remain on the beach, high above the furthest point the sea can reach, a reminder that he has left Asuka alone once again if only Asuka would turn her head and look back at them. But she doesn't; her eyes are fixated on the coming and going of the water: not looking up at the body of Lilith, resolutely disappearing inch by pale inch into the water to be turned into the foam that crests upon the shore; not looking behind her at the ruins of Tokyo-3; not looking anywhere but at the sea: the only moving thing for miles around, and perhaps the only living thing as well.
Today, Lilith's eyes sink from view. Asuka doesn't notice this, only the slight rising of the sea that brings it to her toes. The water touches the soles of her plugsuit, neither warm nor cold. Asuka watches her feet sinking into the beach, the coming tide trickling in rivulets around her feet and carving out a place beneath her, one that will dry over and harden when the tide recedes. If it comes any further, Asuka thinks, it will overrun her sitting spot and begin to carve around her, and if she sits there long enough the sea and all the living souls within will do her a kindness and carve out her grave.
The water comes up to Asuka's thighs; advances past them; bathes the tips of her fingers. Here is the pulse of the sea and its souls, beating resolutely on the beach. And in one of those odd moments, the ones that seem to come more and more often after the culmination of Third Impact, Asuka wonders if she even has a pulse of her own. What would it be like to wade into the sea until the water reaches her eye, until all she can see is red? Would it take her back, or spit her out onto the beach? To her the sea is a cradle, holding life until it's ready to come ashore, and she wants nothing more than to submerge herself in it and let it consume her.
Asuka breathes in to sigh, and water fills her lungs. She has walked into the sea, let it close over her head; now she can hear it whispering to her, luring her into its depths; now she feels a chill seeping through the seams of her plugsuit. She knows what death feels like, and this is it: the sensation of being grabbed by incorporeal arms and dragged down to an uncertain fate, of tongues and saliva running over her body, moist and revolting.
Her cheek scrapes something rough: the sea floor. She lies against it as best she can while her body convulses and struggles for air. The murk from the bottom rises up, enveloping her, shielding her from the light of the moon. She will die in the darkness as she did before, one arm outstretched, too proud to call for help. The hands that grab her are more insistent now, yanking her against the currents, trying to pull her apart. They clutch at her arms, at her stomach. Her body has failed; in a second more her consciousness will follow, and Asuka will die. But in the moments between she realizes that to the world, she was still a child. Just fourteen. And now, just a memory.
She's been rejected again. That's the only explanation Asuka has for waking up and finding herself back on the beach, her bandages soaked through and partially unraveled and her eye uncovered. Despite everything there's no sand on her arms, so either she's washed up on her own and lay there for some unknown amount of time, or someone's dragged her out.
She thinks of Shinji, of being saved by him, and the idea repulses her so violently that she flips onto her side, eyes frantically scanning the beach for any sign that he came back, not knowing what she will do if she does see him.
She watches the movement of countless grains of white sand, scattering like ants. Some flee toward the sea; others tumble in a reckless mass into a small indent in the smooth surface of the beach, racing to fill it before the sea can come and drag them away.
The tracks lead down into the water in an uneven scramble, some close together and others further apart. These are the ones that trail down the beach and far beyond Asuka's sight. Then there are the other ones, the closer ones, that lead out from the water, each step barely passing the previous one, like someone had shuffled out of the sea to collapse on the beach. These could be Asuka's, if they didn't continue on past where she lay.
Asuka turns, eyes narrowing like she is preparing to look directly at the sun, and glares at the pair of white shoes half-buried in the sand.
Something is wrong. Shinji wasn't wearing shorts when he left, and even if he's traded his black pants for something else this skin is too pale to be his. It's chalk-white like the surface of the moon; the hands wrapped above them just below the knees are soft, nails perfectly trimmed, palms still smooth from never having done hard labor. There's only one person these hands can belong to. Now Asuka almost wishes Shinji had been the one to drag her from the sea, just so she doesn't have to deal with Rei.
Asuka stands, rubbing away the salt that's dried and crusted on her face and in the small tears in her plugsuit. Rei rises when Asuka does, watching her with as much interest as her blank face can convey. There's a tension in her that Asuka's never seen before, like she'll lash out if only Asuka can find the right button to press. She almost wants to: to see the unflappable Rei Ayanami rage against the world when it's already broken, and tear herself to pieces doing so. God knows Asuka is all too familiar with the concept. But it's not worth her time: there are other places to be, other places that aren't near Shinji or Rei, and Asuka wants to find them all so she will never be caught off guard again, so she will always have a safe place to retreat to.
Something latches onto Asuka's wrist when she walks by Rei. It's a hand, white like one of SEELE's EVAs, and Asuka lashes out with her free arm only to have Rei step back and watch the punch pass by her cheek with that same empty, childish fascination. But she does drop Asuka's arm. Asuka huffs and shakes herself, like that will remove the memory of Rei's touch from her skin. Rei steps forward, trying to catch Asuka's attention; Asuka refuses to meet her eyes, looking just above them, wondering if Rei can see the upward angle of her eyes and guess, correctly, that Asuka still can't bear to see her in any other guise but Lilith's.
Her eyelashes are a soft baby blue, like the former color of the sky, and the short expanse of skin between her eyes and her bangs must be clouds. Here is Rei Ayanami, the embodiment of the last memory of the sky; and here is Asuka, having struggled so hard to be someone only to be left with nothing memorable about herself at all. Even her wounds will heal with time, and she will be just another girl walking the surface of the earth; the first girl to return from Third Impact, but not the last. Everyone will remember the First Child before they remember her.
"I didn't need to be saved," Asuka snaps, the words welling up in her stomach and leaving her before she even realizes they were there. Rei remains in her place, standing, watching. Asuka wonders if she's waiting for an order. "Fuck off."
There's no obedient nod; Rei doesn't turn away and start walking down the beach like Asuka hopes she will. Fine. She can work around that.
The back of Asuka's good hand connects with Rei's cheek. Asuka doesn't pause or turn back to see if she left a mark behind, but Rei's pale enough that she probably did. She keeps walking, dragging white sand specks onto the dark asphalt of the city, shaking off as much as she can with every step so Rei won't have a trail to follow. If there's any place to get lost in this new world, the rubble of Tokyo-3 is it.
Maybe Rei calls Asuka's name just as she fades from sight; maybe it's the sea, trying to tempt her one last time. Asuka doesn't look back, but keeps striding with purpose for two blocks, then three, until the confidence that swelled up within her on the beach finally runs dry and leaves her an empty husk, a shell of a person that finds the nearest solid surface and curls up and shakes with angry sobs that echo among the remnants of a city that's just as broken as she is.
Asuka's been through what feels like everything: being torn apart then put back together, sinking into a mass of a million other minds, and yet navigating the ruins of Tokyo-3 is its own unique hell. Her body is sluggish. It protests every motion that Asuka orders it to execute, and when it does fail her at last it pitches her front-first into a pile of debris. Asuka knocks against the metal and concrete with her arms extended, the intact arm of her plugsuit snagging on every protrusion, shredding itself to pieces. By some miracle of luck her only injury is a shard of glass wedged between her middle and index fingers, which she plucks out with her teeth and spits onto the street, watching her own blood well up between her fingers with savage satisfaction. Yes, she can bleed; yes, she is still human.
Somehow Asuka manages to stagger from the pile to a nearby storefront, climbing in through the broken front windows and curling up behind the counter. It's no bed, but it's the most protection she'll find in such an exhausted state. Maybe, Asuka thinks, the fatigue weighing down her mind will keep dreams from intruding upon her sleep, and for once she'll be able to rest without her eyes flying wide open what seems like moments later, her breath echoing sharply in the darkness as she reminds herself it's all in her head, or at least hopes it is.
Sleep comes easily in the shadow of the counter and the storefront. But where the waves had drowned out all other sound before, the city is eerily still. Not even the wind blows. Asuka hears every shift that her body makes on the concrete floor, the ringing scrape of spilled 5-yen coins when her feet bump into them. The world fades in and out, and though what sleep Asuka manages is thankfully dreamless, slowing the frantic beating of her heart long enough to sleep is a chore.
The sun settles deep behind the hills surrounding Tokyo-3, bringing out the moon to cast its silvery light on the empty streets. Some spills in through the broken windows, stretching the shadows even further, and as Asuka crawls from one spot to another to try and find some place that agrees with her there comes an echo from far away. This isn't surprising; after all this time Tokyo-3 is still settling, and debris crumbles all the time.
The echo persists. It's too measured to be the slow collapse of a building, and it seems to match Asuka's pulse for the short time before Asuka begins to panic, eyes darting around the shop to find a place to hide. The shadows on the walls are no longer comforting; they take the shape of the Mass Production EVAs and reach for her, sending her scrambling back to her original hiding place under the counter. She sweeps the coins away with a single swipe of her arm and curls up on her side, holding her breath. She won't be found here. They won't see her here. No one knows she's there, not Shinji not Rei and certainly not them.
Asuka waits, taking shallow breaths around the knot that's suddenly formed in her throat. Her senses strain to hear the slightest noise, but whatever she'd heard before is gone. The rational portion of her mind claws its way free of the shackles of panic, suggesting that maybe what she'd heard was a building giving way all at once, and echoing repeatedly.
It could be something as simple as that, but still Asuka has to check. She gropes around on the floor for something she can use as a weapon, and her fingers close around a large shard of glass. She lifts it before her with shaking hands, holding it as tightly as she can without cutting herself, and places her back to the counter. Slowly, not daring to breathe, she pokes her head over it.
A ghost is there, the pale outline of its skin wreathed in moonlight, staring at her with blood-red eyes. Asuka stifles a scream and falls onto her back; when she finds her feet and stands, holding the glass shard out as far away from her as she can, the spectre is gone. She's tired, Asuka thinks, if she's seeing things such as this. The adrenaline drains from her body in a singular rush, dropping her to the floor. The glass shard slides from her limp fingertips. Sleep seems so much more accessible now, and Asuka closes her eyes, waiting for it to come and overtake her.
But something nags at the back of her mind. Something that wants to prove that what she'd really seen was a vision, and nothing more. Asuka opens one eye and freezes, her whimper of fear sticking in her throat where her heart seems to have lodged itself. Lilith stands over her, eye sockets dark and empty, that horrible doll-like smile stretching across her face. She looks down at Asuka, but doesn't move. Then Lilith blinks- something Asuka's never seen her do- and her face is Rei's, the wrinkled lines around her eyes filled with worry, and there's that quiet frown on her mouth that means something's wrong but Rei will refuse to comment on it. Lilith's smile hides behind it, pushing through at unpredictable moments and retreating at others, the dark glint of her eyes eclipsing Rei's. This seems more like a creature than Lilith or Rei, a creature with both their faces, with empty eyes and unearthly teeth. A creature that Asuka had faced once before, something she'd fought and lost.
It has to be a vision. The First Child has no way of knowing where Asuka would hide, and SEELE's EVAs were all destroyed in Third Impact. Asuka scrunches her eyes shut and forces herself to breathe evenly, even though each second that passes makes her want to tremble harder, and not just from the cold.
Some time later, Asuka finds the courage to open her eyes.
Lilith is gone, but there's a small can of coffee in the place where she stood. It's the kind Misato always had in her apartment, that Asuka adopted for herself during her stay in Tokyo-3.
In the morning Asuka leaves immediately, not touching the coffee, not even knocking over the can in a fit of typical childish spite. It could be poison, she tells herself, or a trap, or a hallucination. None of these are things she wants to deal with. She leaves the storefront and its broken windows behind and stands in the middle of the street, her head rotating left and right. Nothing moves, just her- glancing all around like a sentry, unaware if danger lies out of sight but looking for it anyway. When she turns back around her foot snags on a protrusion in the street, and she spins in a clumsy half-circle pointing her down the center of the road between the rusting cars and fallen lamp-posts. Here is the way forward, laid out quite plainly for Asuka to follow. It can't be that easy, Asuka thinks, but her momentum carries her on wobbly legs that slowly become more confident in their strides, like a child learning to walk.
Asuka looks back when she reaches the next intersection. The sun looms over the crumbled buildings, red light reflecting off the clouds and the tiny pieces of fragmented glass carpeting the street. It's like the beach all over again: the red stretching as far as the eye can see; the distant spires of buildings reaching futilely for the sky; something large on the horizon, be it the sun or the moon or Lilith. The only thing that's missing is Rei. Asuka thinks that's an improvement.
Asuka continues to shuffle along, watching her shadow lead the way amidst reflections of herself in glass panes and half-evaporated puddles of gasoline and water. She looks into one of the puddles and sees herself staring back, face obscured by an oil-slick rainbow that isn't quite large enough to conceal the tears in her plugsuit, the patches of tan skin sticking out amidst the scarlet material, which by this point is more patches than plugsuit.
The girl in the puddle scowls and vanishes when Asuka storms away, ripping the shredded remnants of her outfit from her arm and leaving them on the street. There are plenty of clothes lying around the city for the taking, but Asuka won't accept any of them; she wants new ones. This is one thing she can control, and it's not a gleeful smile or any outward display of joy but grave determination that's on her face when she barrels through the door of a clothing store, yanking off the bottom half of her plugsuit. She throws it behind her, and it lands on the door lying lengthwise across the welcome mat, its hinges snapped in two at the joints.
Either it's dumb luck that the first place Asuka looks has clothes in her size, or maybe it's the world's way of apologizing. Asuka picks through the selection with a slowness foreign to her. Here she is, a survivor of Third Impact who should be out there rebuilding but instead stands half-clothed next to an upended rack of pants, wondering if jeans or sweats are more fitting for her environment, and if she'd like them better in black or navy blue.
Her final outfit looks something like this: black jeans and a red t-shirt, hidden by a jacket a darker shade of red with white stripes running down the sleeves. It's something that the Asuka before Third Impact would never have considered wearing, but this world has tried to kill her at least once and practicality takes precedence over fashion, which is lost on Shinji and nonexistent to Rei. Asuka steps back from the mirror she's been admiring herself in and begins to leave, halting abruptly when she sees the person standing in the doorway, blocking her exit.
Rei appears smaller than she did the night before; half of it is because she isn't looking down at Asuka, but her shoulders are hunched and the remains of the mannequins standing in the display windows tower above her. She's so scrawny that Asuka could walk past and knock her over. Maybe she'd even burst into LCL. But Asuka doesn't do this; talking to Wonder Girl strains her patience thin enough, and touching her is out of the question.
"Didn't I make myself clear?" Asuka snarls, her voice shrill and higher than she'd like it to be. She swallows, glaring at Rei with all the venom she can muster. "Fuck off."
Rei steps over the door and out of Asuka's path; Asuka flinches and takes a step back, right onto the limb of a broken mannequin. Solid ground becomes air, and her hair floats all around her face, a perfect portrait of herself as she had drifted in the LCL sea before she crashes down on her back with bruising force. Rei is standing over her when she opens her eyes, looking at her impassively. If Asuka could reach up and smack that blank look off Rei's face she would, but instead she knocks aside Rei's offered hand and stands on her own, rubbing her elbows.
Maybe it's the force of having hit the ground so hard, but Asuka thinks for a moment that Rei's shoulders slump and when she turns it's slower than her previous precise movements. She can't be sad though; it's not in her programming, Asuka thinks.
"Why are you even here? I can't suddenly be that interesting to you, can I?" she laughs. "Don't you have Shinji to bother?"
"He has his own Angel," Rei answers, so softly that Asuka almost misses it. She turns back, lifting her chin, daring Rei to keep talking. But she doesn't. Rei's never said anything to her without a double meaning, and this is no different; Asuka's quick enough to make the multiple connections she needs: that Rei must be an Angel, that maybe there's a 19th Angel that they won't be able to fight without their EVAs, or maybe the possibility that this Rei Ayanami has lost her mind in the LCL sea and is living a delusion. None of this matters to Asuka; it doesn't affect her.
She rolls her eyes, pulling her jacket tighter around her body. She passes Rei on her way out of the shop and just barely resists the urge to bump into her. It'd be funny to see Rei lying amidst the mannequins, but it's also more attention than Asuka wants to give her. She keeps her gaze forward until she's reached the middle of the street, where she turns back. Rei's standing in the doorway, staring at her. Waiting. A familiar heat gathers in her chest as her hands clench into fists.
"Yeah, and I don't want one either. Stop following me." Asuka snaps and storms down the avenue, hair bouncing off her back like even it is angry at Rei. She will not stop for anything once she's set her course, but if Asuka were to look back she would see Rei's lips moving; if she were closer, she might hear Rei whispering under her breath, asking why Asuka refuses to open up to anyone.
Asuka vanishes around the nearest corner. She's backtracking, but that's probably not on her mind; all Asuka will want to do is get away from Rei, and only once she's done that will she stop to correct her course. Rei sighs and starts after her, pausing in front of another store where something has caught her eye. Asuka doesn't have that much of a head start on her, Rei thinks. She can afford a quick side stop. She climbs through the window with jerky, uneven movements, losing her balance and landing flat on her face.
She finds what she's looking for in a broken cooler at the back.
A minute later Rei is back on the street, following Asuka deeper into the city, clutching an unopened can of coffee between her hands like it's the most precious thing in the world.
It must be easy to find someone when there's no wind to brush away the imprints of feet in the dirt. That's what Asuka assumes led Rei to her. She looks up from where she's seated herself inside the lobby of an apartment building, sprawled across a dusty couch, and scowls at Rei. Asuka sets her teeth at the edge of her lip and watches Rei approach, another one of those coffee cans clasped in her hands. She holds it out to Asuka, waiting, and something in the way she stands reminds Asuka of a child offering some trinket they'd found. Her teeth pierce the flesh of her lip and her arm flies out, smacking the can from Rei's grasp. It lands on the ground and rolls away, but neither Asuka nor Rei pay it any mind.
"You," Asuka seethes, standing and bringing her hand up to the collar of Rei's school uniform. Her fingers twitch against the red ribbon, like she would love nothing more than to grab Rei's neck and wring it out. "Why. Why do you keep following me? What part of stop do you not understand? Did you finally decide to quit listening to what people tell you, 'cause now's a fine time. Well?!"
She shoves Rei back with as much force as she can muster, but Rei doesn't fall. She staggers back with stiff movements, never taking her eyes off Asuka. That's the part that Asuka decides she hates most in that moment. Not Rei herself, who reminds her so much of the Mass Production EVAs; not her enduring silence or her tendency to show up uninvited without a sound. No, it's her eyes that Asuka hates, those eyes that never stop watching her and that taunt Asuka with their red, her favorite color, that looks so horribly mismatched compared to the rest of Rei.
"So?" Asuka steps forward, following her- oh, how ironic that must be- and her hands connect with Rei's shoulders again. "You get it yet?! I. Don't. Want. You. Around. Me. Go away!"
She doesn't realize how far across the lobby they've gone until the back of Rei's head smacks hard against the opposite wall. Those red eyes disappear behind pale eyelids, and something flickers across Rei's face that might be pain, but Asuka doesn't care. She slams her palm next to Rei's head, biting back the laugh that erupts from her throat when Rei flinches away on instinct. Maybe she has some fight to her after all, but it's nothing compared to Asuka's.
"Understand me now?!" Rei's eyes open back up, and the manic eagerness on Asuka's face drops away, leaving her looking exactly like Rei: emotionless. Nothing that Asuka's done has been effective on her, not yet, so Asuka shoves herself into Rei's personal space- not like Rei has any concept of that, anyway- and musters as much force as she can into her voice. "Leave me alone!"
Her shout echoes through the lobby and in the street outside. Rei doesn't react to it, not even a twitch, like her one moment of weakness earlier had never happened, or maybe she's adapted to the worst Asuka can throw at her and nothing will faze her anymore. Her eyes move slightly, taking in every part of Asuka's face. "So," Rei says at last, soft like the sounds of waves on the beach. "If you want to be alone, is that why you tried to go back into the sea?"
A muscle in Asuka's face tightens. Rei hears her knuckles cracking as she pulls back a hand, balling it into a fist that changes into an open hand halfway to Rei's face, fingers taut and trembling with rage. Rei's seen this process before, in an elevator in NERV, and she knows what comes next. Her arm knocks hard against Asuka's, the shock of the sudden impact jarring the nerves up to her elbow. From Asuka's sharp inhalation, Rei guesses she's felt the same. But when Asuka moves to draw her hand back, maybe to try and hit her again or maybe to try and leave, Rei grabs onto her wrist with such a sudden motion that it surprises even herself.
Asuka goes rigid at Rei's touch, but she doesn't fight back. She might be too surprised to, but the look on her face is one of anger and she trembles from head to foot with gentle convulsions that could be nervous energy, or fear, or any of the many other things that Rei has not yet felt. In a moment she will move- Asuka is not a person of inaction- but this moment is Rei's, and in that time she chooses to lift her hand, still wrapped around Asuka's wrist, to the side of her face.
Asuka's fingertips brush Rei's cheek. The warmth of Rei's skin surprises her, though she's not sure what she really expected- an impersonal cold like the metal of an EVA perhaps, but not the warmth that Asuka associates with another living being. Rei tilts her head just slightly, pressing her cheek against Asuka's palm, still watching her with those eyes. Those eyes that now shine with a curious light, like she's wondering what Asuka will do next. Her hand has long since dropped away; the only force holding Asuka's hand in place is her own shock, and when she realizes this she jerks away like Rei has burned her with this unexpected warmth. But she doesn't break eye contact with Rei, and the ragged little breath she takes in makes Rei think that maybe it wasn't fear that Asuka shook with but pain, the same pain that lurks behind her eyes just out of sight.
Then Asuka grimaces and that pain is gone, replaced by surging anger. "I don't need you coddling me like a child," she spits. She's trying too hard; she sounds hollow and robotic even to herself, but Rei wouldn't know; she's never felt anything like that, right? "I don't need anyone. I don't need you! I can take care of myself!"
Asuka turns and begins to walk away without waiting for Rei's reaction, knowing it wouldn't gratify her- only make that gnawing feeling of doubt in her stomach grow and double. But still she can't help but slow her pace when she hears Rei's voice, reaching across the lobby, sounding like Rei could be standing right next to her and not against the wall where Asuka left her.
"When you asked if we could be friends," she says, her tone sounding less like Rei Ayanami's and more like Shinji's broken ramblings. "I wish I had said yes."
Asuka has no response for this. None of the scenarios she's imagined have ever involved Rei saying anything remotely similar to this, and it leaves her at a loss. She can't just walk away without a reply; to her that would be admitting defeat, and losing to Rei Ayanami is something Asuka won't tolerate even in a world where victory means nothing.
"Yeah?" she says, trying to force an edge to her words. "Good for you."
She leaves Rei in the building without looking back. To her satisfaction she doesn't hear Rei's footsteps trailing after her, but the city somehow seems more empty, more vast than before. It could be the long shadows, thrown out before the setting sun like an immense carpet, or the similar blanket of clouds beginning to gather overhead, if only Asuka would look up and notice them. She trudges on, hands shoved in the pockets of her jacket as she passes intersection after intersection, looking for a satisfactory place to sleep that isn't riddled with broken glass and overturned furniture.
Above her, the clouds continue to gather and swarm, reflecting the light of the setting sun in a pattern of dark grey and purple, the same colors as a bruise.
Night falls quickly, easing the sun below the horizon with clouds that blot out its light and smother the moon. Asuka wishes sleep would come with that same rapid efficiency, but it refuses to, lingering at the edges of her being beyond her reach. Even though her legs ache from walking so far and her eyelids are heavy, she stays awake, looking out the windows like she expects Rei to appear at any moment like she's done before. Maybe she'll even have a can of coffee in her hands. It's typical Wonder Girl, Asuka thinks with a sigh. Straight answers were never her thing, and she's probably waiting for Asuka to ask her about the coffee one day. Well, Asuka will never give her that satisfaction- she's got Rei's game all figured out.
Asuka rolls over, burying her face in her arms, feeling the rough fabric of the couch rub against her clothes. It certainly isn't helping her get to sleep, but it's better than the floor, and it's better knowing that if Rei shows up next to her in the middle of the night, at least she'll be within punching distance this time.
Just then the city groans- some distant mumbling that could be a building falling, or the echoes of Rei picking her way over its bones in the dark. The rumblings grow louder, too close and loud to be a collapse, but they don't jar Asuka's senses in the way that earthquakes do. She props herself up against the couch to squint into the city, trying to find the source of the noise and failing. If something that isn't Rei or Shinji is out in the city, Asuka won't let it take her lying down- she rises, cracking her knuckles with sharp pops, and walks out of the building she's taken shelter in.
Asuka's feet touch the sidewalk as white light ripples across the sky, turning the dark underbelly of the clouds a pale grey. The low roar of thunder follows, the same sound that Asuka keeps hearing, and she wants to laugh. How could she have forgotten what thunder was, when it rained so often in Germany? The idea is silly; all of it is, and a faint smile touches Asuka's lips before beginning to fade just as quickly. Something is off- she can't put her finger on it precisely- but it has to do with the smell of iron suddenly thick in the air, and maybe with the large drops of rain that begin to fall from the clouds above, pelting Asuka with their unnatural heaviness.
Her first thought is chemical rain. They've dropped at least two N2 mines on Tokyo-3 at this point; that's the obvious answer. But this liquid doesn't burn or sting like chemicals should, and it doesn't explain the smell, which no longer smells of old metal, but rather like an EVA. It smells of aged LCL, the kind that spewed from Shinji's entry plug after he emerged from the Twelfth Angel. It's a stench Asuka can't forget, though she's content to roll her eyes and maybe try to sleep through it all when lightning flashes again, directly overhead, lighting up the city and the rain falling onto it.
The asphalt and the puddles forming on it aren't orange, like LCL should be. They're red. A droplet falls on Asuka's face and works its way down her cheek, between her parted lips and into her mouth. As soon as it hits her tongue she recognizes the taste, and only just holds back a scream that would expose her to more of this blood that inexplicably cascades from the heavens. The taste makes her gag; it's all too familiar, but before Asuka can retreat into the building and try to take shelter the sky erupts in a web of lightning that illuminates the city for blocks around, and the white figure of a Mass Production EVA looming tall some blocks in the distance.
It can't be real. They were all destroyed during Third Impact. Asuka stands with disbelieving eyes, straining to see past the vague outlines of buildings obscured by the downpour. Her right arm aches; the space around her left eye begins to throb, but Asuka holds her ground on shaky legs, refusing to believe what she thinks she's seen. Then the lightning comes again, not soon enough for Asuka's liking, but the MPE is there and it looks closer this time. Asuka can see its jaws, dripping with red; the teeth that reflect the lightning; the lips the same color of the rain coming down around them. She can't help it; she screams, choking on more rain as it falls into her mouth, and runs.
She has no destination in mind, only away. That thing can outrun her any day, but as long as it can't see her, it won't come for her. Asuka darts between the bits of wreckage in the streets, under overturned vehicles and behind slabs of concrete, but her flight is an unsteady one and her clothes rip open on the jagged edges. She can't look back; if it's upon her she will freeze and that will spell her certain death, so she continues her mindless flight, stumbling and scraping her knees raw, but getting up every time. Blood streams down her face, over her mouth and her eyes, blood that might or might not be hers, but which all tastes the same.
She runs, her feet splashing through the red puddles as she tries to find somewhere that doesn't smell of blood and doesn't remind her of her own death. There is no such place in this city, which tonight is a monument to her failure, and when the lightning comes again and illuminates another tall, pale figure standing in the middle of the road, Asuka can't help the cry that escapes her. Her feet catch on uneven pavement and she falls, but she doesn't get up- they're closing in on her; they'll find her if she moves.
A hand wraps around her upper arm and pulls her to her feet. Asuka shouts again, a weak battle cry that's laced through with fear, and lashes out. Her free hand connects with something soft and solid that must be flesh, but whatever's holding her doesn't release her. She swings again and again, aiming her punches when the lightning flashes at the creature with pale skin and red eyes. Another hand grasps that arm, immobilizing her, and pulls her close. Asuka staggers along, trying to jab with her elbows but only managing what amounts to a few pitiful nudges.
Some minutes later she realizes the rain is no longer hitting her. It takes her a moment more to make sense of the sudden absence of lightning, and put two and two together. Wherever she's been taken, it's somewhere covered. The arms around her are firm, guiding her with purpose toward a destination Asuka doesn't know. But they linger for longer than they should; no one's ever held her for this long before, Angel or EVA or otherwise, and when at last Asuka feels them push her into what feels like a seat she almost wishes for that touch back. She gives no such outward indication of this, but stares blankly straight ahead, only breathing and blinking.
This, Rei thinks, is what she must have looked like to the world. She watches Asuka, and at last she understands now why Asuka called her a doll. In the future she'll try to be more expressive, but for now she must worry about Asuka, who sits staring off into a space that Rei can't see, and doesn't react to anything. She doesn't do anything when Rei touches her shoulder to call her attention, or when she hesitantly removes Asuka's jacket, which stinks of blood. The shirt underneath is damp with it as well, but she can deal with it in the morning.
Asuka still hasn't moved. Her eyes are wide and her breathing comes in quick bursts, as if in her mind she is still running and her body is trying to keep pace with her. If this continues she'll faint, Rei thinks, and she refuses to think of anything past that. She rests a hand on Asuka's back and begins to rub, hoping this gesture will help calm her down, or at the very least call her back to herself. Even Asuka, screaming and throwing punches, is preferable to the empty shell of a girl that sits on the couch next to Rei.
The lightning has moved on and the rain comes down with less force by the time Asuka's breathing finally slows to a normal pace, though her shoulders still shake after every exhale. The movement of Rei's hand has stopped; it rests against the small of Asuka's back, a constant reminder of her presence. For the first time since they've met, Asuka is the singular recipient of Rei's attention, but she's not cognizant of it. She hasn't stopped staring at some fixed point in space, simultaneously in front of her and beyond her. Her eyelids droop lower with every blink, and at any moment it seems that Asuka will let her eyes close and fall asleep upright. Once that happens, Rei thinks, it'll be time for her to go- to watch Asuka sleep is to see her with her guard down, and she thinks Asuka won't be too appreciative of that.
Rei removes her hand and starts to stand. Asuka makes a noise, something between a murmur and a breath, leaning towards Rei. She reaches blindly across the couch, not turning her head. Maybe she wants to lie down, Rei thinks, and scoots further away. Asuka mumbles again, stretching out her fingers, which feel their way across the couch and land on Rei's thigh, trying to pull her closer.
Asuka's touch is gentle, and so unlike her. She lays on her side with her feet curled up and back pressed against the couch, resting her head on Rei's legs. A contented sigh leaves her as her face settles, losing some of its tension. She can't be comfortable, with her arms exposed to the cold and the general awkwardness of her sleeping position, but she looks peaceful. It's the first time Rei's seen Asuka like this, without fear or some other emotion closing her off.
Without thinking, Rei reaches down and runs her fingers through Asuka's hair. The blood in it has begun to dry, tangling it with clumps that Rei seeks out and gently tugs on, trying to remove as much of it as she can. It's hard to tell the rust-red of the blood apart from Asuka's natural hair color in the darkness, but she manages until she can run her hand through Asuka's hair without encountering too much resistance. It's the best she can do, and she knows Asuka will probably not appreciate it when she wakes up in the morning- but it's something less she'll have to do, and some extra time she can use to recover.
Rei leans back into the couch, resting a tired hand on Asuka's shoulder. The rise and fall of her chest comes more evenly now that she's asleep. Rei hasn't had many dreams herself, but she hopes the ones that find Asuka are merciful. One of her hands touches Asuka's face, cool under her fingers. Her thumb caresses Asuka's cheek just below the eye that the imitation Lance had pierced, feeling for a scar that isn't there. She won't be waking soon, Rei thinks; she's too tired. There's some time to allow herself rest as well. Her head tilts back towards the ceiling, the weathered fabric of the couch scraping against her neck as her eyes shut, blocking out the world, the falling rain, and everything else except Asuka's pulse, which flutters faintly against her fingers like the dying throes of a storm.
The next day the sun rises on a city that, despite the puddles of blood lying still on the ground like red mirrors perfectly reflecting the windless skies, appears completely lifeless. Asuka comes to on the couch, her hair tucked perfectly behind her ears, her hands pressed together like she was in prayer and nestled under her head, a makeshift pillow. She looks out through the shattered lobby windows at the golden rays of sunlight creeping closer to her, hesitant to touch her; at her old jacket, stained through with blood, lying next to a new set of clothing that includes an identical jacket that's appeared inexplicably; at the two bottles of water that sit beside the clothes and the can of coffee that stands beside those. This is her welcome back to the world, which for all its harsh and broken edges seems to be trying to make up to her for the night before.
Asuka sits up, rubbing at her face. Bits of red crack and flake off her palm, where blood has collected and dried in the crevices of her skin. She scowls and scrapes them all away, looking with even more disgust at the clothes sticking to her body. She doesn't want help from Wonder Girl- that's the only person who this help could've come from, if the coffee wasn't a dead giveaway already- but she'd rather not smell like blood. She grabs the clothes and the bottled water and begins to wander the apartment building, seeking a bathroom that wasn't too badly damaged in Third Impact.
She finds one sequestered near the center of the structure, the faucet taps rusted through and the mirror cracked in half. Asuka catches her reflection staring back at her, dark shadows under its eyes and little clumps of blood mixed between the strands of tangled hair.
The act of changing her clothes is quick and painless, the act of washing her hair is the opposite. The scent of wet iron stings her nostrils and fills her lungs so she can never seem to get enough air to breathe. The dirty water drips into her eyes; she chases it down into the sink with more water, watching a pink whirlpool form and swirl down into the drain.
Something shifts in the halls, clattering against the floor, a normally quiet disturbance made louder in the absence of anything else. "Asuka?" Rei's voice is the only soft thing left to this world. The sound of it calling Asuka's name freezes her in place and for a moment Asuka forgets how to breathe. Her hands tighten around the edges of the sink, ears straining to hear Rei say her name again.
Rei does, and this time there's a note of urgency to it. Asuka steps out from the bathroom into the center of the hall, staring at Rei, who stands a short distance away. "You," Asuka says, a question and a demand. "Why did you bring me here?"
"This was the closest shelter I could find."
"Not here, stupid." She's closed the distance between them without even realizing it; she sees something flicker in Rei's eyes, like she expects Asuka to toss her to the wall again or some other gesture to prove she's got control of the conversation. Asuka's hands ball into fists, her knuckles cracking. "Why are you helping me? I told you to leave me alone."
"You were fine in the rain, then?"
Asuka's stomach turns with revulsion. Her eyebrows slant dangerously, but other than that she doesn't move. "I could've handled it on my own," she says, knowing this is a lie: the truth is that she would have run until her legs gave out and fallen face-first onto the asphalt that smells of blood and drowned in the puddles, if not her body then her mind.
Rei doesn't say anything in reply. It makes Asuka wonder if she's finally run out of things to say, or if she's just letting Asuka stand there in the echoes of her lie. She moves to the side to let Asuka pass her, watching her walk down the hall and through the lobby's double doors, one of which hangs open on its sole remaining hinge. "Where are you going?" she asks.
"No idea. NERV." Asuka looks startled by her own declaration; she places one hand on the broken door and looks back at Rei. "You're going to follow me no matter what I say, aren't you?" Rei bobs her head, and from a distance it's hard to tell but the small shrug she gives to Asuka reeks of shame. If anything, that must be the one emotion that Asuka expects to evade Rei. Maybe she's reading Rei all wrong- she hasn't had much practice in it up until now. "Fine, you can come along. But don't say a word and if you get into trouble, you're on your own. Got it?"
Asuka doesn't wait for Rei's response. She climbs over the small bit of debris in front of the entrance and sets off down the street. The sky above her is perfectly clear, and Asuka notices that the red streak of Lilith's blood which had stained the sky for so long has disappeared. What remains of that streak lies strewn about on the ground, where it will sink into the earth or otherwise dry and become just more rust covering the city.
With the tallest buildings and most of the street signs destroyed, it's hard to get her bearings. She thinks of asking Rei, who'd probably know where NERV is, but insists on continuing on her own, turning down streets at random as she follows what she guesses is the way to the Geofront.
She has no idea if she's going the right direction, but a few blocks later she hears gravel tumbling down the pile she's just descended, and if Rei is following her then she must be doing something right. That, or Rei is just as lost as she is. The thought makes her grin, and two blocks later when Rei catches up to her on another mountain of rubble, Asuka realizes that's the first time she's ever smiled because of Rei.
The closer they get to NERV, the more obvious the path forward is. The N2 mine dropped on the city left a trail of blackened husks of buildings and flattened cars and trees. At the center of it all is a hole, immense in its girth and depth, and completely empty. Lilith called the Black Moon into her hands when Impact began, and took the Geofront with it. Asuka had just forgotten. She stands with her bare toes touching the lip of the crater, squinting down into the darkness, like maybe she can make out the silhouettes of anything beneath the surface of the earth that could've survived Third Impact.
"Why did you come here?" Rei asks. It's a sudden question, jerking Asuka from her silent analysis of the crater. For once she doesn't feel like snapping at Rei. She just feels tired, having climbed over the ruins of Tokyo-3 and walked so far only to be let down, even though she hadn't expected anything to begin with.
"Unit-02 is down there." Asuka says this like it should be obvious to Rei, but she's not even sure of that any longer. Unit-02 is probably still in the Black Moon, wherever that is. "Stupid."
Rei nods and joins Asuka in looking down beyond the edge. She doesn't look like Asuka does, with her eyes narrowed and trying to pick out shapes among the shadows. Her expression is the same one that Asuka always used to see her wearing, utterly neutral and uncaring. It would be easy, Asuka realizes, for either of them to reach out and shove the other over the edge and into the unknown. Rei wouldn't do it; it's not like her, and that leaves Asuka. But it wouldn't be worth it, even if she does want Rei to go away, and Asuka isn't so petty.
"Asuka?" Rei's looking at her with that absent stare again, like she's trying to weigh all that Asuka can possibly say in response to her. "I could carry you down there, if you want."
"How?" Asuka laughs, looking around for something to throw into the abyss, to see if it'll bounce and make a sound. "There aren't any stairs."
"I can use my A.T. Field."
"Because you're an Angel." Asuka shakes her head, swinging her arms at her sides. She looks amused by this; she looks like she might jump down, just to see what happens and if Rei will help her again, but instead she just laughs and turns away from the hole. "Nah. How many times do I have to say it, Wonder Girl? I don't want your help. Anyway, going down there is stupid. Even if there's anything down there, it's probably trashed."
Her retreat back down the street is quick, and for the first time since Rei's seen her, Asuka walks with purpose, even if that purpose is to get as far away from NERV as possible. Part of her wants to enter the dark cavern and see if Asuka's theory is true, but the urge to stay with her is stronger.
"Sun's going down. I'm finding a place to stay," Asuka says, for no particular reason. Maybe so that for once she can wake up without having Rei suddenly materialize from nowhere. Rei still hasn't moved from her spot by the crater, as if Asuka's admission has confused her to a point where she doesn't know what to do. Asuka jerks her head at Rei expectantly and walks off without another word. It's an order that's also an invitation, if only Rei will accept it.
She does, quietly trailing after Asuka, following her back along the streets between the fallen structures and the collecting puddles of blood. They are two specks of color amidst the black, burned-out buildings, picking their way through the rubble. When Asuka pauses atop the tallest heap of debris they've seen yet, Rei taps her shoulder. In her other hand are a pair of white sneakers.
"Where did- no!" Asuka shouts, pointing toward Rei's feet. "I don't need those, especially if they're yours!"
"Your feet are bleeding," says Rei, like that explains everything.
"I don't give a damn about that! If I wanted shoes, I'd get them!"
"I can carry you with my A.T. Field," Rei murmurs quietly. "But I cannot carry you."
There's a visible sadness in her eyes that gives Asuka pause- that, and Rei's own admission that she would carry Asuka if she could. "Tch. Stop worrying about me." Asuka slides down the backside of the pile, losing her footing when she touches down on the asphalt. She bangs against the charred frame of a car and falls onto her back, while Rei carefully climbs down after her and offers her a hand.
"You don't. Someone should," says Rei.
Asuka looks at her for a long moment, seething. She pushes Rei's hand away, but motions for the shoes. Rei gives her the smallest smile and hands them over, waiting until Asuka pulls them on to continue down the road.
Asuka doesn't fall again, not until they reach the edge of the N2 mine's blast radius and take shelter in the first intact building they find, Asuka collapsing into one of the many chairs occupying what must've been a waiting room. Rei sinks into the seat opposite her, bangs drooping in front of her eyes. She looks worn, and very human- Asuka's never seen an angel tire before. Rei yawns, a tired sigh slipping free, but Asuka sees a flash of red between the strands of blue hair and knows that Rei is still watching her. Asuka imagines her sitting awake all night- do Angels even need sleep?- but Rei sinks so deeply into her armchair that her head doesn't even reach halfway up the backing, and she looks more like a lost child than a self-appointed Angelic guardian.
"My mother was in Unit-02." The words slip out of Asuka's mouth unbidden, and she watches Rei tilt her head to the side, trying to grasp the meaning behind them. "Shinji's mom was in Unit-01. You're… you didn't have a mother, so… who was in Unit-00?"
"Is that why you wanted to return to NERV?" asks Rei. "Because of her?"
"It's because I was stupid." Asuka's answer is short and clipped, and she glares expectantly at Rei. "So?"
Rei turns her head and looks out the gaping hole in the front of the building, toward the place where Unit-00 had detonated and left a smoldering crater where a large part of the city had been. "I was in Unit-00. A part of me."
It's an odd answer, but Asuka expects it of Rei. Nothing's ever simple with her. "What was it like, synchronizing with a part of yourself?"
Rei turns back to Asuka, her eyes growing distant as she searches her memory for events that come to her only in a faded haze, the recollections of her previous self. She had struggled, both the half in the core and the half in the entry plug, and it had killed them both. "It hurt," she says at last, trying to ignore the nausea washing over her.
"So I guess you felt pain just like the rest of us."
"I always felt, Asuka. I just never showed it."
She expects Asuka to scoff, to call her names that are uncomfortably familiar- robot, doll, puppet- but this doesn't come. Instead Asuka just nods. "Yeah, that makes sense."
Asuka doesn't say anything else after that. She curls up in her seat, bringing her knees to her chest, and lays her head on one of the armrests. Her eyes are shut, but every few minutes she adjusts her position, trying to find one that won't end with cramped muscles in the morning.
"You didn't show anything either," Rei says, not caring if Asuka hears this observation of hers. From the way Asuka stiffens, she does. But she doesn't yell- maybe she's too tired from walking, or maybe she feels just as sick as Rei does, a sensation of vertigo brought on by remembering too much at once.
"Of course I didn't," Asuka laughs, breathy and raspy and all too fake. A lot of Asuka's laughs sounded like this, Rei realizes. "I had to be perfect, didn't I?"
Yes, she did, Rei thinks. She demanded perfection of everyone around her, but most importantly herself. And when that expectation was not met the carefully-constructed facade that the world knew as Asuka crumbled and left behind a teenage girl, confused and purposeless.
"So," says Rei. "You're like me."
Rei hears the sharp intake of breath from the chair across from her and sees Asuka's shoulders rise, but Asuka doesn't say anything. If she does she'll admit Rei is correct; if she doesn't she can pass it off as merely an assumption.
Rei doesn't expect a response, and she doesn't get one. She watches Asuka slowly succumb to sleep: the slumping of her shoulders, the way her legs shift to splay themselves out across the armchair to take up as much room as they can without Asuka falling off, how her arms fold over her middle to protect herself from something; whether it is the cold or nightmares, Rei doesn't know. Perhaps she dreams of her final stand, or maybe of her mother, whose embrace she will welcome far more than anything Rei will have to offer her. With that thought Rei settles back against her own seat, turning once again to stare out the window, trying to imagine what it would be like to dream of a mother that never existed.