Breaking Rules
Alriana wrung her hands as she sat in her tent. The book on the history of the Chantry and the Templars lay open on her lap as she sat cross legged and forgotten. Normally she would be dutifully studying the books that she borrowed off Wynne and learning how to read the various dialects of the shemlen and dwarves but tonight she could not concentrate. She peered out of the opening that she had left and looked around. Her hunter's eyes had no trouble seeking out the source of her problems.
It had started rough sure but once she survived the Joining, she was willing to be more agreeable than she had been before. She never lost sight though of the reason why she was there and while she enjoyed his company, she knew where to draw the line. It became hard to do that after Ostagar. Oh it was innocent enough when she jested with the copper in order to get him to talk and later he did the same. She told herself that it was a part of her duty to make sure that her fellow Warden was emotionally fit as well as physically. She was Dalish and this was her duty.
Love sometimes can be like destiny
There's no way to say forever
It may not realize your dreams
And love sometimes is like the blowing wind
It can take use to wherever
Sending us on silent wings
She had wanted to see him smile again. It had startled her how much she missed his smile and his laugh but she did not know if it was appropriate given that the one who was like a father to him was dead. He did his job well enough but even her hunter's eyes could see that it was not enough. As a Warden it was her duty to end the Blight and she knew she could not do it without his help.
It had been innocent enough giving him a copper for his thoughts and it opened him up. When he started talking, the clouds that had been hovering seemed to dissipate. When he spoke of erecting a memorial for Duncan in Highever, he looked like when she first met him. It was then he asked her what her people did to honor the dead. When she told him of burying the body and placing a new tree over it, he seemed thoughtful and told her that it sounded beautiful; to have life spring from death. It had surprised her that he would make that connection but it also pleased her. It surprised her that when she said she would go with him that she really meant it.
But I have broken all the rules of love
I never dreams that I could come this far
And now I'm lost in my emotions
You're becoming my devotion
There's nothing I could do to stop this love for you
When he told her that he was the bastard son of a king, she felt angry for no reason. After all shem politics meant nothing to her even though she studied it under Wynne's guidance under the advice that she should familiarize herself if she intended to unite the nation to fight the Blight. She also felt hurt that he did not trust her with that. Surely he would have known that would have meant nothing to her and that she would still see him for who he was to her. When she asked if that was all he had to tell her, he made a joke of it as only he could do citing an obsession with his hair and a fondness for cheese and he walked off leaving her to stare at his retreating form.
Oh how the coldness went back and forth after that. She had retreated into her role as the leader and hence reminded herself of duty. Yet those troublesome feelings came up and she was angry and short tempered with everyone. She felt bad afterwards and apologized especially to Leli since the bard had done nothing but be kind to her. Of course it did not take long for her companions to know the source of her anger and arranged for the two of them to talk before the battle against the undead in the village. She had been annoyed that they had tricked her but now she could vent at the source. She could not understand why she was feeling that way especially after he explained his reasons for not telling her. She was miffed that he thought her to be petty and she let him know it with a punch to his chest.
I was not supposed to fall in love with you
I have someone else and someone else is loving you
And I was not supposed to let this love get through
So let me say for real: Heaven is what I feel when I'm with you
(This feeling is forever) It is forever
(You make me feel like heaven) I feel like heaven
(My love is true when I'm with you)
She was Dalish. She had a duty. It came before her own personal feelings. Her people distrusted shemlen to the point of actively hating them but she… she could not put a name to it. No she was afraid to put a name to it and Leli knew that and teased her about it. Especially after that night.
They were camped a few days before Orzamar to help Sten with a problem regarding his sword and to deliver a missive from the Mages Collective and it was her turn to stand watch. Taryn, her Mabari was keeping watch as well, patrolling the perimeter before circling back to her for one of her head rubs. It was then that he came up and sat beside her. He thanked her for what she did for the Arl's family by risking it to get help from the Circle to save Connor. Inwardly she was aware of a warm feeling but it was tempered by the unspoken thought that she only did it for him even though she thought little of the ones that caused him so much pain so it sounded much like the voice she spoke in when conducting Warden business when she told him that she wanted the best possible choice to save the child.
It was unexpected when he shoved it into her view and asked her if she knew what it was. Not familiar with all of the shem customs, she countered with a joke asking him if it was his new weapon of choice. Of course he picked up on it and said that it was just the thing to go after darkspawn with floral arrangements. It made her laugh but she sobered quickly when he said that it could be just a rose and handed it to her. He told her that he had picked it in Lothering citing that he wondered about how something so beautiful growing in a world full of darkness. Oh she had pretended to be miffed when he compared her to the rose but her thanks was sincere as she stroked the petals, amazed that he had it all that time and it had not wilted. Of course he had to finish it with a joke that would have had Morrigan calling him an idiot. She had to admit that while it was that part of him that she liked, it had hurt that it felt like the moment was ruined. She thought he was a slave to the same thing she was even though he showed it differently. They both had that attachment to duty yet she could not help but feel that she was in a better place just being near him.
How could I have known that in your eyes
I would find the deepest answers to the questions of my heart
And how could I have known that by your side
Was the light to fill the darkness in the shadows of my life
His face looked so happy that it reminded her of a puppy. She had given him the amulet she had found in the arl's study. He also looked surprised that she would have remembered him telling her about that amulet. The familiar feeling of hurt came but she knew that he was not used to people actually listening to what he said. She listened. Her Dalish ears heard beyond the surface and she remembered. She had told him that of course she remembered because he was special to her.
It had surprised her to say that and she had bit her lip in confusion. He then told her that he felt the same way and that she was the one bright spot out of everything that happened. She said nothing but took the amulet and fastened it around his neck, pausing to look at his Warden's pendant. It was rather simple and plain compared to the one that he had given her. She continued to stare at it, not sure of what to say until he said that when he made her the pendant, he had her Dalish roots in mind as he fingered hers resting just below the hollow of her neck. She had known then that he was her light in this cruel and lonely world yet she could not take another step forward. Then shying like a deer, she gave a peck on his check and walked away.
But I have broken all the rules of love
I never dreamed that I could come this far
And now I'm lost in my emotions
You're becoming my devotion
There's nothing I can do to stop this love for you
Wynne told her that love was selfish and she agreed but she could not bring herself to tell him to go away. Truth be told she did not want to. If she wanted to be honest with herself, she would admit that she had fallen and hard. She had broken the rules; she could not stay on the path of duty. Yet it was like a jealous lover telling her about her obligations but she could not help herself. She had fallen for him. She had fallen for a sh…human.
I was not supposed to fall in love with you
I have someone else and someone else is loving you
And I was not supposed to let this love get through
So let me say for real: Heaven is what I feel when I'm with you
(This feeling is forever)
(You make me feel like heaven)
(My love is true when I'm with you)
Zathrian told her that shemlen were evil and not to be trusted. He even went so far to say that she betrayed her people for standing with them. The Keeper was bitter of course after what happened to his family but he was just another reminder of how far she had fallen from her duty. It reminded her of what Wynne had told her and the more she thought about it, she saw that the one that held her heart was reminded of duty.
She knew that he was the son of a king but to hear it from the arl and his suggestion of putting him forward as the heir to the throne made her see that he was in the same position that she was. They both had their duty. Sure he told her that he had no wish to be king and she had brushed it off since she had no care for shemlen politics as she told him. Now she realized Wynne may right in that her breaking of the rules would bring them pain later. Certainly her thoughts were causing her pain. Yet she could not help but remember the feelings of warmth and happiness whenever they were together whether it was him joining her on a hunt or even trading a thought for a copper. The happiness with her clan was long gone, and this new happiness was now. Oh why was the choice so hard?
This was not supposed to happen but she could not imagine doing anything, being anywhere without him. She finally admitted it to Leli after they defeated the old one but that came at a terrible price. He had been badly injured trying to save her and Wynne was doing everything in her power to help him and the bard just hugged her in sympathy. She told Leli that for once she could not fall back onto her mantra of duty. She knew that now remembering how she nearly threatened to cut out the shrew's tongue for her cruel treatment of him. She just held her head in her hands not sure of what to do with Leli sitting beside her and just stroking her back.
Heaven, Heaven
Is what I feel when we're together
Heaven, Heaven
Just look in my eyes and you'll see it's the truth
It had been ecstasy and she blushed at the thought. She knew she was still fighting it but she knew she could not hold out much longer. She knew the moment he opened his mouth and asked her in his usual jesting manner if she was going to miss all the fighting and the constant brushes with death that the battle with duty was lost. It was evident when she asked him if he meant the battles or him. It was evident that he was losing his battle with duty as well when he told her that he had come to care for her a great deal. He then asked if she could ever feel the same about him.
She already felt the same but she was hesitant and replied that she thought she felt the same. He startled her when he smiled and said jokingly that he fooled her and kissed her. His touch was gentle as he cupped the back of her head, his thumb gently brushing her earlobe. The warmth and the press of his lips against hers broke her inhibitions until the last bare threads were left. Of course he was still a gentleman and asked her if it was too soon for her. She could honestly tell him that it was not and that she liked it. He smiled at her and told her that she was beautiful. Even though he ended the moment in his usual manner, she still felt that she was in the Beyond or in the Fade with the Maker, whatever the shemlen called it. It was the first of many kisses.
And I was not supposed to fall in love with you
I have someone else and someone else is loving you
And I was not supposed to let this love get through
So let me say for real: Heaven is what I feel
And I was not supposed to let this love get through
So let me say for real: Heaven is what I feel when I'm with you
Sitting there in her tent, she thought about how far they had come. She was still unnerved by the kiss he gave her earlier and he made a confession to her. He told her duty be damned and he confessed his feelings to her. She of course was hesitant, she always was the one that held back and she knew that it was not fair to him. She had to tell him that she told duty to be damned to the darkspawn but she was not sure how to do it. So she was hiding like a coward in her tent pretending to study something that she had no interest in. Then he came looking for her and asked if she was busy.
Of course she said no and he told her that he wanted to show her something. They were camped in the Frostback Mountains outside of Orzamar. She dreaded going since the city was underground and she was used to the trees and the sky and she wanted one last day before going in. He held his hand out to her and she took it and allowed him to help her up. He led her to a lake and pointed to the far side. She saw the deer grazing even though there was snow covering the ground. He then looked at her and she could tell that he was nervous.
Duty was important yes. After all she made a promise to her people and to her fallen friend Tamlen but being there with him, the one who had never left her side since she became a Grey Warden that was special. He knew that too since he was there and had been adamant about not taking the throne. What they had was special and she could hardly describe the feeling except to say that it felt right. She looked up at him as he tried to say how he felt, "Being near you makes me crazy, but I can't imagine being without you. Not… ever."
She smiled. Duty be damned.