Cutting Losses
a prequel to 'Hiding in Plain Sight'
By Eydie Munroe
Disclaimer: They're owned by Paramount/CBS. Jerks.
Note:
When I got my gift request for VAMB's 2013 Secret Summer challenge, it asked for a story in the Admiral's timeline that focused on a deep friendship between Janeway and Torres. This was the original story that I originally came up with, but since it didn't include the phaser rifles that Hester wanted, I had to put this one away for a bit. Special thanks to Hester for a fabulous beta job.
This story takes place in the Admiral's timeline, and assumes that Endgame never happened.
"Miral, NO!"
Kathryn Janeway couldn't help but chuckle at the sound of her strained chief engineer's voice coming from around the bend in the corridor. Like any other parents, B'Elanna and Tom had been waiting with baited breath for their firstborn to learn how to walk. Now that she had figured out running, there was no stopping 'the three-foot tornado', as Harry had taken to calling her. Sure enough, Miral Paris came around the corner, looking like her body was about to fly apart as arms and legs waved in opposite directions while she moved. Her giggles were infectious, and the captain laughed quietly as she watched the glee on the little girl's face.
Miral's freedom came at the expense of Chell's kitchen, evidenced by the small stained tablecloth she was pulling along behind her. Torres had just picked her daughter up from Sam Wildman's and was taking her home to feed her dinner when she received a panicked call because the mess hall's cooker decided to suddenly stop working two hours before the party was due to start. They diverted to the mess hall, and the little girl had quickly grown bored as the adults, who were deep in conversation underneath the stovetop, ignored her. She wandered off, toddling between the empty tables as she explored a space that she usually only got to see from the safe, restraining arms of Mommy or Daddy.
On a table near the door, Chell had already set up a number of dishes and drinks. Since it didn't seem like the adults were interested in feeding her, Miral decided to do it herself and grabbed the table leg to step on its curved lower portion in order to reach the food. In his haste to get things ready, Chell had not secured the folding table's legs properly, and all it took was Miral's strong pull to take one end down. Since both Torres and Chell had been up to their shoulders under the cooker at the time, neither was able to catch Miral before she made her escape.
She let out a squeal when she suddenly found herself captured by the captain, who had crouched down directly in her path when she had been checking behind her to see where her mother was. "And just where do you think you're going?" Kathryn challenged with a laugh, immediately starting to tickle her prisoner to subdue her. The little girl's peals of laughter only encouraged the captain, and she had the toddler gasping and writhing in her grip by the time her mother finally managed to catch up with her.
"Why is it every time she's in trouble, she manages to run into the one person on this ship who won't discipline her?" her mother muttered to herself, her eyes rolling as soon as she saw the pair.
Kathryn looked up to see B'Elanna standing over them, hands on hips and a look of total exasperation on her face. "Maybe because she knows that I'm the one person who can discipline her mother," she suggested.
The exasperation was instantly replaced by guilt when Torres realized she'd spoken that particular thought out loud. "I'm sorry, Captain!"
Janeway shook her head. "Forget it, B'Elanna. What'd she do?" she asked as she set Miral back down on her feet, still keeping a hold on the young girl.
The engineer glared at her offspring. "She just managed to pull down an entire table full of food while Chell and I were trying to fix the cooking console."
"Yes, I can see that," Kathryn said, glancing over at the now-forgotten tablecloth on the carpet. Looking at Miral, who was now playing with the communicator on her uniform, she asked the child, "Miral, did you pull the food down onto the floor?"
"Hungee!"
"We were on our way home for dinner when Chell called me. I guess she figured she'd help herself to a snack."
"Hungee!" Miral stated again, looking up at the women around her, wondering why nobody had bothered to get her some food yet.
B'Elanna sighed. "I'd better call Tom to come and get her so I can help Chell clean up."
"No need."
The engineer's eyes darted up from her daughter to Janeway. "Captain, I don't think–"
"Relax, B'Elanna," Kathryn said as she stood back up. "I know that Tom and Harry are off saving the universe right now, and after the last few weeks, we can all use the time off. I'll take her with me to my quarters, and one of you can come pick her up later." She looked down at Miral, who was still standing in front of her. "What do you say, Miral – want to come and have dinner with me while your mommy works?"
The little girl's eyes lit up, and her arms reached up. "Capin!"
B'Elanna knew she was beat. The captain was one of her daughter's favourite people, and denying Miral a visit with Kathryn Janeway would result in a tantrum the likes of which few on Voyager had ever seen before. "Alright," she finally acquiesced as the captain lifted the little girl in her arms. "I'll be as fast as I can, Captain, I promise."
Kathryn smiled at Miral, who was back to touching the communicator. "Not too fast, I hope," she said as they started to slowly walk away.
Torres stared down the corridor after them, now reminded just how taken Janeway was with her little terror. They didn't see the maternal side of their leader very often, so every time she did, B'Elanna was always surprised. She got the feeling that the captain was torn between wanting to be a regular honorary aunt who got to spend time freely with Miral, and the leader that she always had to be. And there was always a hesitation that accompanied Janeway's interaction with the child when she was around the parents – like she didn't want to intrude, or go where she might not be welcome. The sort of open display that B'Elanna had just witnessed was incredibly rare, and usually only occurred when Janeway did not know she was being watched.
Turning and heading back toward the mess hall, Torres was glad that the captain did interrupt her call to Tom. Janeway had been rather stony of late, more so than usual, and she obviously could use the distraction. B'Elanna sighed inwardly, wishing that she could have a distraction also. Tonight's party was not one that she was looking forward to attending.
It was Chakotay and Seven's engagement party.
Kathryn picked the plate up off the table and took it over to the replicator to recycle it, keeping a watchful eye on Miral as the little girl climbed down off the chair and wandered around the room, touching everything within reach. She smiled to herself. There was something about being with Miral that made her ridiculously happy, probably because caring for the little bundle of energy usually took all her focus and made her forget her heavy responsibilities for at least a short while. Today was no exception, and today, she needed to feel happy. Because she wasn't. She hadn't said anything to anybody about it, but was pretty sure that at least some of her senior staff had figured it out.
When Chakotay had finally told her that he was seeing Seven, she was instantly angry. Angry enough to want to tear him apart, though she'd stuffed it deep down inside herself and had barely let a grimace show on her face in the days afterward. Eventually, the feelings of hurt and betrayal waned, and she was able to face each one of them again as they got on with the business of getting Voyager home. The only change that people could see in her was that she spent more time in the holodeck, running hand-to-hand combat training programs to work out her aggression. It helped occupy her mind, keeping her from visualizing the two of them together in any capacity. The only person in the universe that knew how she felt was Phoebe – who, even across thirty thousand light years, could peg her sister's mood the second she laid eyes on her. Kathryn hadn't realized how much she'd missed her sage advice, and was still amazed at how much impromptu counseling could take place within a handful of eleven minute transmissions.
A year had passed, and while she still didn't like the idea, Kathryn was again confidante to her first officer and mentor to her protégé, though in a much smaller capacity. In a way, she'd been thankful that Chakotay and Seven spent so much time together because it freed up more of her own, though she was well aware of the irony in that she usually spent that additional time on ship's business. Throwing herself into her work seemed to fill the gap, at least superficially, and she'd let herself believe that she'd moved on. That was until Seven came to her one night a week ago, asking advice on how one would go about proposing marriage. That news, combined with the decompression she was currently experiencing after more than a month of daily negotiations with a paranoid consortium that would have liked nothing better than to blow them out of the stars, dropped Kathryn Janeway into a depression the likes of which she hadn't seen since The Void. The only reason that she hadn't completely withdrawn was because after that experience, she'd made a promise to Chakotay that she would never abandon her crew like that again.
Miral's voice snapped her from her musing. "Toy?"
Kathryn's lips pursed. "Sorry honey, I don't have any." She looked around for something that Miral could play with, but there wasn't much. A few treasured mementoes were displayed throughout her quarters, but they weren't really very interactive, and were definitely not designed for an eighteen month old. Then an idea struck her. "Tell you what – how about a story?"
"Yeah!"
Despite Kathryn's mood of late, Miral's enthusiasm was infectious. "Okay, on the couch then," she ordered, then walked over to the replicator and punched a few buttons. It produced a large, thin book with glossy white covers, which she picked up and carried over to the couch. She stopped and bit back a laugh as she watched Miral's methodical climb up onto the couch, careful as a mountaineer. As soon as Kathryn sat down, the little girl cuddled in beside her and slapped her hand down on the book.
Together they started to go through the story of a duckling making her way through a barnyard and meeting the other animals that lived there. Miral's enthusiasm meant she pointed out animals she recognized the moment that Kathryn would turn a page, much more interested in them than any story that might accompany it. At one point, Miral started to count little chicks in one picture, getting all the way to five before she needed help. She's a smart one, this one, Kathryn mused to herself as she turned another page. She didn't know much about child development, but she was pretty sure that Miral seemed to be a bit ahead of the curve.
Satisfied with chicks for the moment, Miral settled even further against the captain in a moment of serenity. Kathryn couldn't help but stroke her hair, sighing at the perfection of it all. Looking down, she saw sparkling brown eyes staring back up at her, along with a grin that could melt the hardest of hearts. The captain couldn't help herself, and started to chuckle as she pulled her little charge closer for a hug. The little girl giggled, then slapped a hand on the book again. "More!"
"Okay, okay," Kathryn said through her laughter, turning the page.
Miral pointed at the little creature in the bottom corner. "Bunny!"
Kathryn smiled. "Yes, that's a bunny. What colour is he?" But before Miral could answer, the door chime sounded. "Come in," she called.
"Com'in!" Miral mimicked her. The doors opened to admit Tom Paris, still dressed in his leather jacket and flying goggles. "Daddy!" she cried, wiggling her way off the couch and bounding across the room.
"Hey Peanut!" he greeted as he grabbed her up, letting her give him a kiss before tossing her up into the air and catching her. "Have you been a good girl for the captain?"
"Capin!" Miral twisted in his arms to point at Kathryn. "Good capin!"
He laughed. "That's a pretty solid endorsement, I think."
"She's been good company," Kathryn told him, closing the book and setting it down on the couch as she got up to greet him. "I take it B'Elanna's still tied up in the mess hall?"
Tom nodded. "Apparently half the power relays in the kitchen decided to suddenly quit. It's like they knew there was a party coming." He stopped talking when he saw a brief flicker of pain flash across his commanding officer's face. "I hope Miral wasn't too much trouble," he said, changing the subject as he readjusted his grip on his daughter. "I could have come and gotten her from B'Elanna."
"It's okay," she said, reverting back to her normal expression. "Like I told her, we all need the downtime right now." Then with a wry smile she added, "Even if it is playing superhero on the holodeck."
Paris laughed a little. "Well, Chaotica has been a particular pain in the ass of late. I think maybe Arachnia needs to pay him another visit." He smiled when he saw the hesitation in her expression. "Captains need downtime too, you know."
Kathryn shook her head. "That's alright – I don't want to intrude on your fun with Harry."
"It's no intrusion, Captain. You're always welcome to join us." Miral started to squirm in his arms, so he decided he'd better get her home before her mood suddenly shifted into howling. "Anyway, thanks for watching Miral." Looking down at his daughter, he prompted, "Say goodbye to the captain, Peanut."
"Bye Capin!" Miral leaned out of his arms and threw her own around the captain's neck.
"Bye bye, Miral." Kathryn ruffled the child's hair, then watched as she and her father headed through the door. When she was alone again the smile slowly evaporated, replaced by the heaviness that had been consuming her for days now.
She glanced around the room, the chronometer on her desk telling her there was more than an hour to go before the party started. Using work to avoid going had been her original plan, but Chakotay had stopped by her ready room earlier that day to nudge her and make sure that she would come, at least for a little while. Kathryn hated that he could still do that to her, that his charming smile and soft voice could still convince her to do something she really didn't want to do. She used to be much better at resisting him.
And look where it got you.
Pushing that thought aside, she was about to settle in behind her desk when she changed her mind and went over to the couch to pick up the abandoned book. She ran her fingertips over the smooth cover, tracing the outline of the illustrations on it. It amazed her how barely an hour in the company of a little girl had lifted her mood so much. Maybe I should offer to babysit more often, she mused, realizing just how much good it had actually done her. But as Kathryn Janeway always did, she resisted dwelling on any particular emotion, and forced herself to turn back to the operations of her ship. But before she did go back to work, she placed the book on the shelf, next to her copy of Dante's Inferno.
It was almost time for Tom and Miral to head down to the mess hall when B'Elanna finally strode into their quarters, uniform a mess, hair everywhere and grime smeared over her forehead ridges. "How'd it go?" he asked, glancing up from his current task of trying to convince Miral to put on the patent leather shoe he held.
"It's finally working," she muttered, stripping off her jacket as she walked into the bedroom. "Chell was about to have an aneurysm, especially when the first couple of people showed up."
Tom finished buckling Miral's shoe, then turned her loose to play as he went to talk to his wife. "How much food did she destroy?"
"Not a lot, actually. He'd barely started putting the food out when the stove quit working."
Tom came around the doorframe to find her down to her bra, sitting on the foot of the bed as she pulled off her boots. They were coming up on their third anniversary, and he still found her sexy as hell. His eyes drew slowly down her body, an unconscious smile lighting up his face when she straightened up to find him admiring her. Mostly annoyed, though somewhat flattered, she asked, "What are you looking at?"
The smile erupted into a full-blown grin. "Just thinking how lucky I am."
She rolled her eyes as she stood up, then stepped over to him and put her arms around him. "You're just saying that because you want to get into my pants."
He kissed her, his hands wandering down to her waistband. "Every chance I get."
B'Elanna gave him a shove. "Pig."
Their flirting was cut short by a loud crash and a discontented wail. Both ran into the living area, where Miral stood glaring at the toaster, which now lay on its side on the floor. B'Elanna growled under her breath, counting to five before she wondered aloud, "How was she able to reach that?"
Tom glanced at the chair that had been pulled out from under the table, which Miral had obviously climbed onto in order to grab the toaster. "Miral, the toaster is not for playing," he told her as he bent down to pick it up.
Miral looked up at her father, her brow furrowed and wondering why she was being scolded. Her mother sighed the same deep, resigned sigh that had followed her discovery of Captain Janeway in the corridor earlier that day. "God, we can't leave her alone for a minute!"
"We'll get through it," he reminded her, placing it back on the table.
B'Elanna fixed him with a look, frustrated at his calm take on their daughter's rapidly approaching terrible twos. "It better be soon," she grumbled, heading back into the bedroom.
He shook his head, and then turned back to Miral, who was still staring at him, wondering exactly what the problem was. Tom was going to say something, but the moment had passed and he knew that trying to discipline her now would only result in confusion and crying on her part. "Go play with Mugsy for a minute," he told her, pointing to her favorite stuffed targ over in the corner.
Just the mention of her toy lit her back up. "Mugsy!" she called out as she headed over toward him. Once snatched up in her arms, she began a stream of almost unintelligible conversation as she wandered around the room with him.
Tom moved back to the bedroom, but stayed in the doorway this time so he could keep an eye on his daughter. "You okay?" he asked his wife, watching as she stepped away from the sonic shower and back to the dresser.
"Yeah, I'm fine," she said with a huff of breath. "Just tired of having to watch her constantly, that's all." Pulling fresh underwear out of one of the drawers and dropping it down onto the bed, she stopped suddenly and looked at him. "When was the last time you and I had some time alone?"
She had a very good point, and it was one that he had actually been thinking about over the last few weeks. "Well…now that things have calmed down, maybe we could get the captain to babysit?"
B'Elanna glared at him. "Don't be ridiculous."
"Why not?"
"Tom, she's the busiest person on the ship," she pointed out as she started to get dressed. "She barely has time to sleep, let alone anything else."
"Well it can't hurt to ask," he countered, a tiny bit of him sad as he watched her covering up. "Miral loves her, and I'd bet you real latinum that it's mutual."
After finishing with her bra, B'Elanna moved over to the closet and pulled a dress down off its hanger. "I'm not saying that it isn't," she said, undoing the zipper, "but just that maybe she's too busy to do it."
His eyes flicked back to Miral, but she was ensconced in one of the armchairs in the living area, happily continuing her conversation with Mugsy. "B'Elanna, I'm worried about her. I mentioned the party, and there was just…something…in her face."
"I'm sure she's fine," she told him, dropping the dress over her head and turning her back to him so he could zip her up. "She's probably exhausted, that's all."
"Maybe." He drew the catch up to the top, then leaned forward and kissed the back of her neck before she could drop her hair back down. "I love you."
Turning back to face him, she gave him a warm, loving smile. "I love you too." The sound of Miral's babbling worked its way into their moment. "Come on," she said softly. "We're gonna be late."
The mess hall was about half full when the Paris family arrived, a few heads turning to see who the newcomers were. "Hey Tom!" Harry called from across the room, waving them over to where he stood in conversation with Jenny Delaney and Mike Ayala.
"Unca!" Miral shouted back at him, dropping her father's hand and running through the maze of adult legs as fast as she could.
"Hey you!" Harry greeted, snatching her up into his arms. "How's my girl?"
"Uncaree!" she replied, hugging him around the neck.
"I can't believe how fast she's growing," Jenny remarked, running a loving hand down the little girl's back.
"You should try keeping her in clothes," B'Elanna commented as she and Tom joined the group. "I'm lucky if some things last longer than three months."
"Another growth spurt?" Mike asked.
Tom nodded. "For at least two weeks now." He looked around. "So where are the guests of honour?"
"Not here yet," Harry said.
"Probably arguing about being on time versus the irrelevancy of being fashionably late," B'Elanna commented.
That got a laugh. Jenny had been the one to witness it a few months earlier in Cargo Bay Two, where she had been deep amongst the shelving while cataloging a newly-acquired inventory of parts, when Chakotay and Seven had walked in in the midst of a heated discussion. For a few minutes Jenny had kept still, listening to what had surprised her by sounding like a fight that any other couple might have. But she knew that Seven's hearing was better than most, and so she had made herself known and excused herself before things could get any more awkward. It had resulted in a story that Jenny told her friends, and in Seven moving into Chakotay's quarters soon afterward when she finally admitted that wishing to have privacy was no longer irrelevant.
The doors opened again, admitting the couple in question. "Looks like fashionably late won out," Mike added.
Everyone in the room turned to greet them, a small smattering of applause filling the air. Chakotay was smiling brightly, his hand on Seven's as she clutched his arm. She seemed happy, but in that reserved way that they'd all come to expect from her. Chell came out of the kitchen and handed them each a glass of Caldantan wine, and they started to move around the room, speaking with their guests and receiving congratulations from everyone who had made it to the party.
"I was expecting more people," Tom said quietly as the group returned to their conversation.
"Well, it's not really a surprise, is it?" Jenny replied in a similar tone. "I think a lot of people aren't too eager get away from work tonight." She was right. Even though it had been a couple of years now, a lot of the crew still couldn't believe that Chakotay had suddenly fallen for Seven of Nine during their seventh year in the Delta Quadrant. And more to the point, it was only a small group of them who wholeheartedly embraced them as a couple. Their closest friends, like Tom and Harry and B'Elanna, all did their best to be supportive, but it still seemed to sit in the back of their minds that the pair of them together just wasn't right.
Harry grimaced. "Let's just hope the captain isn't one of them."
"Capin!" Miral stated proudly, latching onto a word she recognized.
"Miral, hush," her mother chided, taking her from Harry. "Come on, you little troublemaker. Why don't we go say hello to Chakotay and Seven?"
"Kotay!" she exclaimed in just as loud a voice.
B'Elanna's head dropped back in frustration. "We are going to work on your volume issues, young lady."
"Mama!"
Suppressing a growl, B'Elanna started to make her way toward the viewports, where Chakotay and Seven had taken up residence.
"I'm surprised she's allowed back in here," Harry said with an evil grin.
Jenny frowned at him. "B'Elanna?"
Tom laughed. "No, Miral." He then went on to explain what had happened earlier that afternoon, breaking them up in laughter.
"That explains why Chell was so frantic when I arrived," Mike commented as he took another sip of his drink. "I don't think he moved that fast even when he was a Maquis."
They started to laugh again, and carried on their conversation as a few more people trickled in over the next little while. Somehow the group had gotten onto the topic of Jenny and Harry's disastrous first date back during their initial year in the Delta Quadrant, and they were thoroughly enjoying the couple's conflicting descriptions of what really happened in the gondola. As he gazed at her, Harry wondered just how they had managed to find their way back to each other after an incident that should have put them off one other forever. But something indescribable had changed, and had led them into a marriage that was one of the happiest on the ship. "So it's really no surprise that our honeymoon on the holodeck was in Venice," she told their friends.
Tom had been the only one to know in advance, since Harry had needed his help in programming it. "No wonder you two kept that such a secret."
"So if you knew, how come you didn't stack the betting pool?" Mike charged.
"Hey, I was an upstanding married guy by then," Paris defended. "That would have been dishonest."
"And the crew would have skinned you alive because they knew you'd be the only person with that information," his wife added, announcing her return to the group.
"Where's Miral?" he asked, noticing she was by herself.
She said nothing, but turned around to show him. Their daughter seemed to be working the room herself, wandering from group to group of adults, charming her way into her their conversations and occasionally into their arms. "She could end up being a diplomat," he said with a chuckle.
Their attention turned at the hiss of the doors opening to admit the captain. "I'll be damned," Mike murmured from behind them. He glanced over at Harry and saw a beaming smile, the result of his faith in her being confirmed. Some things never change, he thought, remembering how much the ensign had always seemed to treat Janeway as a mother figure.
Kathryn smiled at everyone as she entered, thankful that the room didn't go silent or that all eyes didn't turn on her. It wasn't her night, and she really didn't want her presence to draw attention from Chakotay and Seven. She really didn't want to be there at all, but there was no choice in the matter. So she started to wade into conversations with the crew, hoping to keep a low profile. But even she couldn't put off the inevitable, and eventually found herself before the couple in question.
"I'm so glad you could make it, Captain," Chakotay greeted, taking the hand that she offered in congratulations.
Kathryn wondered when the last time he had called her by name was. "I wouldn't be anywhere else," she replied with a smile. Turning to Seven, she said, "I'm very happy for both of you."
"Thank you, Captain," the younger woman said, providing a smile herself. "I am pleased that you were able to come."
Yeah, I'll bet you are. "So, have you set a date yet?"
"We were thinking three weeks from now," he told her, "if there's room in your schedule for it."
Kathryn laid a hand on his arm as she looked at the two of them. "Oh, I think I can clear some of my schedule for something this important."
The sound of a spoon tapping a glass interrupted them, and everyone turned to face Chell, who was now at the centre of the room. "Ladies and gentlemen, can I have your attention please?" Once it got quiet, he asked Chakotay and Seven to join him. "A toast!" the Bolian continued, raising his glass. "To Chakotay and Seven – two people perfectly suited to each other. May you have a lifetime of happiness."
"Here, here!" the captain said loudly, raising her glass.
The rest of them followed suit, and the party continued in rounds of polite conversation and story swapping. Kathryn participated for a little while, but eventually grew weary of pretending to enjoy being there. She somehow managed to slip out when no one was looking, releasing an unsteady breath once she was back out in the corridor.
It was nearly two hours past Miral's bedtime by the time B'Elanna noticed her finally showing signs of exhaustion. She had been cuddled up with her Aunt Jenny and had started falling asleep on her shoulder, so it was time to go. Jenny gently handed her over, stroking the child's head as she whispered, "Goodnight sweetheart," and placed a kiss on her forehead before stepping back.
"I'm going to put her to bed," B'Elanna said quietly, readjusting her daughter when she started to fuss a bit. "I'll see you guys tomorrow." They all bade her goodnight, Tom promising that he wouldn't be far behind.
She started to slowly head for home, taking her time to let Miral settle down even further. Bedtime was always a bit of a precarious operation for them. There were many times when Miral had almost been asleep, and then something would startle her or grab her attention, and she would veer far from slumber and into another hour or two of energetic alertness, followed by an interminable period of half-asleep crying and grumpiness before she finally gave in. Her parents had found that the best way to do things was to establish a quiet time, where Miral's drowsiness could progress naturally into sleep. Usually it was while they were reading to her in bed, but sometimes it resulted in her falling stone asleep in the middle of the living room floor. It bothered B'Elanna sometimes, but as Tom said, asleep is asleep, no matter where it was.
With her daughter dozing on her shoulder, B'Elanna continued on her roundabout route back to their quarters, her wandering taking her down to the observation corridor. Back at the beginning of their journey, this particular area of the ship had been popular with stargazers and those who were homesick because of its wide expansion of viewing portals. A group, led by Joe Carey and a few others, had gathered some materials during one of Voyager's first foraging stops, and they had built three viewing benches and installed them in the widest section of the corridor. B'Elanna's lip curled into the faintest of smiles when she thought about Joe. He'd been gone more than two years now, almost three, but sometimes she still walked into Engineering and expected him to be there, bringing her up to date on whatever was happening. She missed him.
She stopped short when she came around the curve of the hall and saw a figure sitting on one of the benches. Usually at this time of night it was deserted, so B'Elanna was surprised to see anyone here, but shocked when she saw the captain seated by herself, eyes trained on the stars that streaked by. In all their years together, she couldn't remember ever seeing Kathryn Janeway here – there were so many other places on the ship where she could stargaze in private. She was about to backtrack and leave the captain in peace when Miral whimpered as she finally settled into sleep. A startled Kathryn Janeway whirled around, her instinctive fight-or-flight response ebbing when she saw who it was. She turned away quickly, but not before B'Elanna spotted the glistening lines down her cheeks. "I'm sorry, Captain," she said quietly. "I didn't mean to interrupt you."
"It's alright," Janeway replied, refusing to look at her. "It's hardly interrupting in a public place."
They stayed there in silence for a few moments, Kathryn wishing B'Elanna would leave her in peace, and B'Elanna wondering whether she should. It was unheard of for Kathryn Janeway to show any sort of emotional vulnerability, even less so these days. B'Elanna had often wondered just how the older woman managed to carry the responsibilities she did, while seeming to take less time for herself than anyone else on board. But then it occurred to her that, given the captain's subdued temperament lately, perhaps she wasn't managing as well as she wanted them all to think. She thought back to the conversation with Tom in their bedroom, and felt a pang of guilt in her stomach for so heedlessly brushing off his concerns about the captain. Obviously he had seen something that she'd been oblivious to.
Janeway was so busy keeping her eyes on the stars and her face hidden from B'Elanna that she didn't notice the other woman moving until she sat down on the bench beside her. Settling her daughter on her lap, they then both gazed out into space for a while, saying nothing. While no one spoke, B'Elanna thought about all the things she had unconsciously observed in the captain over the past week. Torres eventually broke the silence when she simply said, "It sucks, doesn't it?"
Her companion's head dropped, eyes fixed on her fidgeting fingers. She knew she was caught, and with B'Elanna, Kathryn knew there was no point in denying it. They hardly ever spoke with this sort of intimacy – or if they did, it was always B'Elanna having the crisis while the captain was the one providing stability. Something told her that perhaps – finally – it was time for her to confide in someone else, someone that she didn't have to wait her turn to talk to, or that she could talk to for longer than eleven minutes. She drew a deep breath, then slowly blew it out through pursed lips before finally admitting, "Yeah, it does."
Torres nodded. "If it's any consolation, I always thought that he'd end up with you."
The denial was automatic. "I don't know what you think–"
"We're not blind, Captain," B'Elanna cut her off. "We all saw the attraction between you. And…" She grinned a little. "I weaseled enough information out of Chakotay about it."
Kathryn looked up at her in surprise – she knew they were close, but never in a million years had she thought Chakotay had ever talked about his feelings for her with anyone else. Just because you never did doesn't mean he didn't, her mind taunted her. There was a long pause as Kathryn warred with herself. What she felt was not something she shared with anybody, not even with the man they were speaking about. She turned back toward the window, hurriedly wiping the moisture from her cheeks as she announced, with a finality that she hoped would tell B'Elanna to drop the subject, "Well – that was a long time ago."
B'Elanna recognized the ploy, but she also saw the opportunity to get the captain to open up to her, when it looked like she needed it. "Gone, but not forgotten?" She waited, and was eventually rewarded with a slow nod. "Must have been the shock of your life when you found out."
Kathryn huffed a laugh. "That's putting it mildly."
"Captain–"
"Kathryn," her companion said suddenly.
B'Elanna didn't follow her. "Sorry?"
"Kathryn," she repeated again, looking over at her engineer with watery eyes. "I really need somebody to use my name right now."
B'Elanna could feel her heart breaking for this woman, who she respected above all others. With a nod, she continued. "Kathryn, what happened?"
Kathryn sighed. "It's my own fault. He wanted me – even told me as much when I was too scared to do so. And instead of taking what could have been mine…I pushed him away."
In all the talks that they'd had, Chakotay had never told her that. "Why?"
"Because the rules said I couldn't," was the reply, the captain's eyes falling to her fingers once again. "And for some reason, despite every other one that I've obliterated in the name of getting us home, that rule was the one that I refused to break."
B'Elanna thought a moment. "What were you scared of?"
"A lot of things. Losing him, losing my objectivity…" She looked at her companion again. "The crew thinking that I'd given up on my promise to get them home."
"You thought that he was a distraction."
"No," she said quickly, "that's not it. He…he has always been one to live for the day, in the here and now, and I…"
When she didn't finish, B'Elanna suggested, "You had to live for the future."
Kathryn nodded. "I know that there are some, like you and Tom, who have made their home here on the ship." She reflexively glanced at Miral, a part of her warming a bit at the sight of the little girl with her thumb in her mouth as she slept. "But no matter how much I wanted it, no matter how hard I tried to convince myself that letting him in wasn't going to diminish my drive to get us back, I just couldn't do it. I still can't."
Another part of her conversations with Chakotay came back to B'Elanna, when he'd opened up to her about his frustrations over the Borg alliance and, later, a rogue Starfleet captain. "And then when we found the Equinox…things got difficult."
"It was never the same between us after that." Then she drew a shaky breath. "And now it's done."
They heard voices approaching from the same direction that B'Elanna had come from earlier, and it prompted the captain to her feet. "I should be going," she said, obviously in a hurry to leave before being discovered here. "Goodnight, B'Elanna."
"Wait a minute." Torres got up as quickly as she could without jostling Miral too much. Her daughter stirred, but seemed to settle again right away. Surprisingly, Kathryn did wait, and together they made their way down the next corridor toward the turbolift. Once they were inside, she said, "After word got out that they were dating, it seemed like you were okay with it."
Again, Kathryn felt some strange compulsion to open up to someone. "Computer, halt lift." For a few minutes, the only sound was Miral's deep breathing and the hum of the halted lift mechanism. Kathryn looked to B'Elanna, her expression so open that it unnerved Torres a little. "Not at first. I honestly didn't think that it would last very long. Seven was experimenting with a lot of different things at the time." She thought back to the discovery of Seven's relationship holoprogram, her hand coming up to rub her temples as she frowned. "It didn't seem real."
"And then they got engaged." B'Elanna wanted to hug her. "I'm surprised you came to the party tonight."
"He's my first officer, B'Elanna. I couldn't just not show up, no matter how I felt. And…he asked me to." Kathryn slumped back against the wall. "So I did like I always do. I screwed a smile on my face, and went in there and made it look like I couldn't be happier for them," she said glumly. After a deep breath, she added, "And just to add insult to injury, I get to be the one that marries them."
While she wasn't able to offer a hug at the moment, B'Elanna reached over and rested her hand on the captain's arm. "I'm so sorry, Kathryn. I wish there was something I could do to help you."
Kathryn gave her a small smile and squeezed her hand gently. "I shouldn't have laid all this on you."
Torres fixed her with a look. "And just who else are you supposed to tell it to?"
The smile disappeared, eyes falling to the floor. "I'm not supposed to tell at all."
B'Elanna sighed heavily. "Look, I'm going to tell you this once, Kathryn Janeway. You have helped me more times than I can count, so when you need somebody to talk to, you don't have to go any further than my door. We'll find a babysitter, throw Tom out, drink obscene amounts of alcohol and work out whatever the problem is. Your secrets are safe with me." She then produced her best impression of the captain's 'death glare'. "And if you don't take this offer seriously, I am going to reprogram your replicators to give you gagh and injector fluid every time you order coffee."
Despite herself, Kathryn started to laugh. "Okay, okay." Looking at her friend, she leaned forward and hugged her, careful not to disturb Miral. "Thank you, B'Elanna." Pulling herself upright, she called out, "Resume."
Seconds later, the lift stopped and its doors opened onto Deck Nine. B'Elanna stepped through them, but turned to Kathryn before they could close. "He's a fool, you know," she said.
Kathryn recognized the statement for the attempt it was to make her feel better, but she couldn't agree. With a sad shake of her head, she told her, "No, he's not. He's just someone who stopped sacrificing the present for a future that was never going to happen." She stepped back and let the doors close.
By the time Tom made it back to his quarters, B'Elanna was already in bed asleep. She stirred when sat down to remove his shoes, turning over to face him as her eyes opened. "Go back to sleep," he whispered, leaning down and kissing her forehead.
"Did you just get in?" she asked drowsily, lifting herself up on one elbow.
"Yeah. Mike had to go on duty and Harry and Jenny said something about 'honeymooning', so there was no point in sticking around after…" He stopped when he saw that she was staring intently at him. "What?"
"Nothing. Just thinking about how lucky I am," she said, echoing his words from earlier that evening.
He grinned. "You're just saying that because you want to get into my pants." He leaned down and kissed her, but pulled back, sensing her contemplative mood. "You okay?"
She cupped his cheek in her hand and nodded. "I love you, Tom."
Sitting on the edge of her own bed, Kathryn closely examined the small wooden box she now held. The intricate designs that had been carved into its outer edges were still those that Chakotay had amended them to when he returned the box to her. Hope, he'd said it meant, rather than the love that she'd inadvertently chosen when she'd created his birthday present. He had told her that the separation of the circles meant that each person was free to follow their heart if circumstances changed who they wanted. A conscious choice has been made to honor the relationship without formally creating a more intimate bond. But that they together could one day also choose to enter their own relationship when the time was right.
But now that time was never going to come.
She turned the box in her hands, fingertips running across the slightly sharp edges that the carvings made. While she'd appreciated the sentiment at the time, she never once thought that either of them would actually veer off in a different direction. She had believed they would eventually find a way to come back to each other, and live the life they were meant to.
Her fingers curled around it, the room blurring before her as the last of her tears started to fall. Kathryn started to sob, nearly wail in the grief that she had been tamping down and hiding from herself for more than a year now, her body collapsing into itself as she finally succumbed to the emotional pain that she could no longer deny. Her cries eventually faded away to numb silence, and she was unaware of how much time had passed when she finally returned to reality. She found herself lying on her side, the view of her dresser slowly coalescing in front of her. When she realized where she was, her no-nonsense nature forced her to sit back up again, wiping her cheeks with the heel of her free hand. "Enough," she whispered, clearing her throat as she got to her feet. "That's enough."
She made her way back out into the living area, pausing for a moment in the middle of the room as she gazed around it. It was home – had been for many years now, but it was one that she didn't share with anyone. He's a fool, you know… B'Elanna's words came back to her. But as she continued to look around the somewhat empty room, her own mind added, And so are you. Now you get to live the life you made, Kathryn Janeway.
A shot of pain lanced through her hand. She looked down to see that she was still somehow clutching the bonding box, so tightly that the corners and carvings left deep indentations in her palm when she opened her fingers. Lifting the box to look at it again, her trembling fingertips brushed over the designs, but stopped when she suddenly came to a decision. Without her eyes leaving it, she wandered over to the replicator and reverently placed the box down within its port. Touching it lightly one last time, she murmured words that she had steadfastly refused to say aloud to the man who she now mourned. "I love you." Then she pressed a button and recycled the gift, watching as it disappeared in a sparkle of muted yellow light.