Not Sure What I'm Doing Productions
I wrote this about a month ago when a friend of mine started talking about the Hannibal fandom and I pointed out how Hannibal fandom would make a good villain since they were so polite then this happened. I don't own any fandoms mentioned this is just a not serious little joke of a fic.
"Hey, guys," Supernatural fandom said as he turned the computer screen toward the Sherlock and the Doctor Who fandoms. "You two seen this yet?"
Doctor Who fandom raised his eyebrows at the mostly blue screen. "Do you mean those disappearances that have been happening lately?"
"Uh huh." Supernatural fandom scrolled through the list of names. "Would you look at this? One or two guys, I can get. But this? Look at this. Korra fandom, Rise of the Guardian fandom... Who the hell is Oncler fandom?"
"That bloke with the scarf," Doctor Who fandom answered. Upon seeing Sherlock fandom self-consciously fiddling with his scarf, confusion clear on his face, Doctor Who fandom said "The other bloke with the scarf."
"I knew that," Sherlock fandom huffed. "Anyways, it sounds like a boring case. Fandoms vanish from a person's dashboard every day. It's nothing unusual."
"But it sounds like our kind of case," Supernatural fandom said with a smirk. "I thought you'd be all over this, Sherly."
Sherlock fandom's eyes narrowed. "Do not call me Sherly."
"Weren't you complaining about how bored you are from your hiatus?" Doctor Who fandom said as he put a hand on his friend's shoulder. "Come on now. This could be fun!"
Sherlock fandom rolled his eyes. "Alright. Fine."
"Now that that's out of the way," Supernatural said. "Who are our suspects?"
Doctor Who fandom rubbed the back of his neck. "We can't just go around accusing peo-"
"These missing persons posts have been put up by Madoka Magica fandom, which means that she was the first to notice their disappearance. While usually that would make her a suspect, the fact that she was the one to bring light to the matter rules her out. Whoever is responsible for this clearly could have done this silently and subtly. If someone stops posting for a day or two, you could simply assume that they're busy with other matters or they've gone on hiatus. If Madoka Magica fandom were responsible, she would have foiled her own plans. She's not that dim. Upon reading these posts, it's obvious that there's concern. She's a fandom, thus emotional, so I doubt that it's faked. As for the notes-"
"Christ, Sherly," Supernatural fandom gasped. "Don't you need to breathe?!"
"What he means to say is," Doctor Who fandom said with a smile. "'We don't want to be here all hiatus; could you please skip to the part where you say who are the people who actually are suspects?'"
Sherlock fandom raised an eyebrow. "For two fandoms that have canon time travel, you're not very patient."
"As if you're one to talk about patience, Sherlock," Doctor Who fandom deadpanned.
"If you had let me finish, I would have gotten to the point where I show you what all the victims have in common." He clicked the links to the other blogs. "They all have a post about going to Hannibal fandom's house just before their disappearance."
"You mean that creepy fandom that came out of nowhere?" Supernatural fandom asked.
"Yes, that one."
"There's no need to call him creepy!" Doctor Who fandom said. "We used to think that you were creepy and now we're the best of friends. Maybe if we got to know him, he could turn out to be polite and charming."
"Yeah, like Homestuck," Supernatural fandom said with a roll of his eyes.
"HEY, SUPERNATURAL!" said a voice outside.
Doctor Who fandom smiled. "Ah, speak of the De-"
"Don't say it," Supernatural fandom warned. He opened the door to see two slightly smaller fandoms standing there. "Hetalia fandom, Homestuck, what the hell do you two want?"
"YOU BORROWED SOME OF MY STUFF FOR COSPLAY PURPOSES AND I WANT IT BACK," Homestuck fandom said as he came through the door, ignoring Supernatural fandom's protests. "WHAT ARE YOU THREE DOING?"
"Actual big fandom things," Supernatural fandom said smugly. "Now why don't you and Hetalia fandom go home and write an AU or something?"
Homestuck fandom blushed furiously. "SCREW YOU, I'M JUST AS BIG A FANDOM AS YOU ARE AND YOU KNOW IT!"
"Riiiiight, that's why you have to jump into multifandom posts."
"YOU'RE AN ASS!"
"Isn't that why you made me your kime-whats-it?"
"KIMESIS!"
"Yeah, that."
"SPN," Sherlock fandom said in a bored tone. "Could you tell your little hate-lover to go away? We have work to do."
"Why don't we come with you guys?" Hetalia fandom said cheerfully. "I'm sure that we could help somehow!"
Doctor Who fandom scrambled over like a nervous father who just heard his child ask about the birds and the bees. "You see, Hetalia, I don't think that's a very good idea. You aren't very experienced in this matter-"
"We have plenty of mystery AUs!"
"It'll be dangerous-"
"I'm a fandom based off history and Homestuck's... Homestuck. We're no strangers to danger."
"But... we... uh..." Doctor Who fandom gave the other members of the Superwholock trio a desperate look that said 'How do I tell them that someone dies once an episode without making it sound like a death threat?'
Supernatural fandom started shoving the two out the door. "For safety reasons. Now shoo. Out. Go play with My Little Pony fandom."
"But-" The door slammed behind them.
...
"Why couldn't we just take the TARDIS?" Doctor Who fandom complained from the backseat. "There's no space in here!"
"From what I've seen," Sherlock fandom said, "wherever the TARDIS lands, there's trouble. Since we are merely here to investigate the Hannibal fandom, we would much rather not have trouble until after he's been proven guilty."
"Yeah, what he said," Supernatural fandom said. "So calm down, Doc. We're here."
"Finally!" Doctor Who fandom burst out of the Impala and started running toward the huge house. He nearly made it to the front door when Sherlock fandom grabbed him by his coat. "What is it now? It's right there! Let's go!"
"We need to get some supplies first, Doc," Supernatural fandom said as he walked toward the trunk.
"You mean guns," Doctor Who fandom said with a frown.
"You can never be too prepared." He opened the trunk. Hetalia fandom and Homestuck fandom awkwardly smiled and waved at him from within. "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TWO DOING IN THERE?"
"ROLEPLAYING AS KIDNAP VICTIMS," Homestuck fandom deadpanned. "WHAT DO YOU THINK WE'RE DOING?"
"HOW DID YOU EVEN GET IN THERE WHEN I HAVE THE CAR KEYS?"
Homestuck fandom pointed at Hetalia fandom's now crooked haircurl. "It was Homestuck's idea! It hurt a lot!"
"BUT YOU OFFERED TO PICK THE LOCK!"
"That was before you told me you didn't have a bobby pin!"
"Wait..." Realization dawned upon Supernatural fandom's face. "Where's all the stuff that was in here?"
"You mean the guns...?" Hetalia fandom asked.
"No, the gay porn comics. YES, THE GUNS."
"WE HAD TO TAKE THEM OUT TO MAKE ROOM," Homestuck fandom said.
"We managed to have your t-shirt fit in here though." Hetalia fandom pulled out a 'I 3 Destiel' shirt.
"Give me that!" Supernatural fandom snatched the t-shirt and tossed it to the back of the car. "Fine, but when your asses get in trouble, don't come crying to us!"
As they were all walking up to the house, Sherlock fandom whispered "I give them 10 minutes."
"I give them the first 30 seconds," Supernatural fandom whispered back.
"WE CAN HEAR YOU, ASSHOLES."
...
"This feels weird!" Hetalia fandom said as they walked down the halls. "It almost feels like we're in an old Scooby Doo cartoon!"
Doctor Who fandom and Sherlock fandom turned around and gave Hetalia fandom a look that said 'If Scooby Doo is old then what the hell are we?'
"Sorry..."
Homestuck fandom noticed the walls were lined with bookshelves and instantly got an idea. He started yanking books from their places.
"Homestuck...?" Doctor Who fandom asked. "What are you doing?"
"WHENEVER SOMEONE LIVES IN A BIG CREEPY-ASS HOUSE LIKE THIS AND SOMEONE COMES IN, THEY'RE USUALLY IN A HIDDEN ROOM BEHIND A BOOKSHELF. OR UPSTAIRS. OR WATCHING US FROM SOMEWHERE."
Doctor Who fandom felt like saying how unlikely that sounded until realizing that each of those situations probably happened in his canon at least once. Everyone else just ignored him.
It wasn't until thirty minutes later, they finally heard a noise. It was behind a pair a great double doors. The fandoms looked to each other nervously.
"Maybe it's an alien," Doctor Who fandom said as he pulled out a sonic screwdriver.
"Maybe it's a ghost," Supernatural fandom said as he pulled out a salt dispenser.
"Maybe it's Mexico?" Hetalia fandom said with a tilt of his head.
"Or maybe," all three of them said together, "it's an old face!"
Sherlock sighed and opened the door. It was a dining room. Hannibal fandom's forkful of meat froze halfway before it could reach his mouth. "It's just Hannibal fandom having dinner."
Hannibal fandom put down his silverware and smiled pleasantly at them. "Why hello. To what do I owe the pleasure of having you four in my home?"
"We were wondering if you knew what happened to some of the other fandoms," Doctor Who fandom said. "We heard that you were the last one to see some of them so..."
"Ah. I see what you're implying, Doctor Who fandom." Hannibal fandom clasped his hands together. "I can assure you, I'm unaware of their whereabouts. I simply invited them to dinner. Are you aware that I myself am enduring a hiatus also? I need to do something with my time. Why not have entertaining dinner conversations? However, beyond this room, I afraid I don't know what becomes of my guest."
"Oh, well," Doctor Who fandom said with a nervous laugh. "We're sorry for suspecting you. Would you like to join our little investigation team? You seem like a very polite fandom and we could use your help."
Hannibal fandom gave him a surprised look before smiling and shaking his head. "Thank you for the offer, but I'm afraid I must decline. It's not really my style." Hannibal fandom gestured to the table full of food before him. "Would you like to stay for dinner to make up for it?"
Doctor Who fandom glanced at the food, then back at Hannibal fandom. "I'm don't think we can. You know, case to solve, things to see, lives to mess up. Come on, boys!"
The four quickly exited the room. The moment the dining room's door was closed, Doctor Who fandom deadpanned, "Guilty."
"Totally guilty."
"Couldn't look guiltier if he tried."
Hetalia fandom gave them a confused look. "How do you know he's guilty?"
"We just do," the Superwholock trio said together.
"And... how come you offered him to join your investigation team? Homestuck asks all the time and he's been here longer."
"Because Hannibal is polite as hell," Supernatural fandom said, as if he couldn't believe it. "He offered us dinner."
The trio started walk away. "I wouldn't trust the food though," Sherlock fandom said.
"Why?" Doctor Who fandom said teasingly. "You think it's drugged?"
"Shut up."
"That offer thing reminded me, where the hell is Homestuck?"
Before Hetalia fandom could move to catch up with them, he heard Hannibal fandom call him from the dining room. He poked his head through the door and answered "Yes?"
"Are you positive that you don't want to stay for dinner?" Hannibal fandom picked up a bowl of pasta. "Would you like to try this? It's divine."
Hetalia fandom's face broke out in a huge smile. "PASTA!" He grabbed a fork. "How come the meat in the pasta looks funny?"
"It's a special recipe."
Before the fork could even touch the pasta, a grey hand slapped it away.
"HOLD IT RIGHT THERE! HETA ISN'T EATING ANYTHING!"
"Homestuck? Where have you been?"
"IT'S A LONG STORY THAT INVOLVES OFF FANDOM, MERLIN FANDOM, AND PUPPIES BUT THAT'S NOT IMPORTANT RIGHT NOW! WHAT'S IMPORTANT IS THAT WE'RE LEAVING! GOODBYE. HAVE A NICE DAY, HANNIBAL. ENJOY YOUR SCREWED UP MEAL. BLAH BLAH BLAH."
Hannibal fandom smiled in amusement. "Are you sure? I have Faygo for you, Homestuck."
"wait faygo? really? what flavor- I MEAN, SCREW YOUR FAYGO. LET'S GO, HETA."
"But Hooooomestuuuuuuck!" Hetalia fandom cried as Homestuck dragged him out of the room. "The paaaastaaaaa!"
"I'LL TAKE YOU TO OLIVE GARDEN OR SOMETHING. JUST TRUST ME ON THIS!"
The door closed and Hannibal fandom turned back to his dinner. "I've picked such a strange place to live."