Sometimes, I look at all this war around me, and I wonder why I ever chose this. That's the thought that quells me. I chose this.
I can hardly believe it myself.
But yet, day after day goes by, and nothing ever changes. It never changes for the better.
Do I expect something to happen? Do I expect something to change?
No. Not really. Folken's thought of that perfect future, I guess it was just a utopia.
But really, what did I expect? I chose this, remember?
It all started, when Folken decided he would die with valor and honor, honor that I really didn't think he deserved in the first place. Hitomi convinced me otherwise of course. Hmm..I really couldn't deny her anything, could I?
Of course, after Zaibach lost their Strategos, they were furious. They blamed the girl from the mystic moon. How silly of them, but I blamed her, in part, too. I blamed her for the fact that she always had to be so damned nice. 'He's your brother, Van, you have to listen to him' That's what she said. I can remember it so clearly. And so, being that I could deny her nothing, I listened to Folken, my brother. Listening turned out to be my worst mistake.
And just as I began to believe that I just might have a brother still, he decided that he'd go and take his valorous death there and then. What load of crap that was.
So Zaibach took action then, after the loss of their beloved Strategos. They decided that Asturia would pay. King Aston blamed me for everything. Allen stood up for me, and was executed. A traitor's death. That's the one moment I can remember in this whole muddy story. His face, on that day. I knew it killed him, long before he physically died. It killed him to have his name on that traitors list. Allen Schezar, a traitor forever more. It was worse than death. I think, he welcomed it in the end.
I'm glad it was swift. One quick shot. I don't think I could have bore it any other way.
Aston tried to save his skin, he really did. But his pleads just weren't answered. Is there a god? Aston surely prayed to one, for he was muttering fervently when the stealth soldiers arrived.
It was over too soon. I didn't think there could be any more destruction. Not with Dilandau there to do the honors.
Back then, I could still feel. Feeling is a bad thing. I've decided that. The feeling is the worst part, I think. I felt angry. On Escaflowne, I killed them. All of them. In the end, I couldn't tell the difference between friend and foe. It was all the same red blood. By then, the feeling was gone. The numbness had taken its place.
The numbing is good. It feels very good. I thank the gods that Aston prayed to, that they granted me this numbness. I thank them that they answered my prayers, even if they did not answer his.
But even the numbness fled when she left me. Hitomi, my one lifeboat. She floated up into the heavens, her eyes huge, whispering words to me that I just couldn't comprehend. The feelings flooded me then. It was sharp, worse than any wound I'd ever experienced. Was it love? If it was, I pray that I never love again. Pain of the skin, I can deal with. Pain of the heart, I thought I would die. I think I welcomed death at that point. What else was left of this world called Gaea? It was ripped apart, stained forever with blood, everything burned and dead.
There's a blank after that. Something must've happened during that time, for when everything comes back, I'm in the ruins of Fanelia. Alone. Moons have passed, and I cannot remember a single thing, from the moment that She left me.
Hmmm. I still try to think of that blank spot, but lately, I just try to think of other things.
And so, I was back in Fanelia.
I brought the people back from their mountains then. Everything felt dull, like I wasn't really there. Perhaps I wasn't. Anyways, we rebuilt Fanelia. A misshapen, dead, tainted Fanelia. But we rebuilt it nonetheless.
And here, my story stops. Because, it ends.
Can you believe, it has been sixty years? That even after sixty years, those events that rocked my youth, are still so vivid to me? I can still remember Allen's anguished face, as he stood on that traitors block. Millerna's expression as she watched her country burn to the ground, just as I had watched mine. I can remember, so clearly, Dilandau's final look of terror, as I brought Escaflowne's sword crashing down on him. And it hurts the most, when I remember Hitomi's look of sadness as she left me stranded in my world, drowning in the dark waters.
I look back, and think, what if I had done it differently? All those choices I made, for it end like this. I don't dwell on that though. But there is one thing I have to admit. I have to admit, that I chose this.
Here I am, on my deathbed. Fanelia has been rebuilt, the people of Asturia slowly rebuilding. Zaibach is dead. Gaea will never be the same.
I welcome Death, I pray it comes soon. Maybe there, in the realm of death, I will have the peace I never achieved in this world. Maybe there, I will live in my Utopia, with Her by my side.
Hmmm..Here he comes. Welcome, Death.
And Van Slanzar de Fanel, King of a country once beautiful, called Fanelia, died.
A smile playing on the corner of his aged lips.