A/N: Woah. I wrote this story at least a year ago and started to type it up, but never finished. Now I came across it again and decided to finish typing it up. It's so weird, reading something I wrote so long ago lol. First off, yes, this is a KabuSasu fanfiction. I debated at first whether I should just make it a friendship fic or a romance/comedy thing, and I decided on the latter. Anyways, hope you all enjoy it! :P
Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto.
Morgue Shelf Blues
It's said that curiosity killed the cat. In Uchiha Sasuke's case, however, curiosity got him stuck in a forsaken morgue shelf, pressed flush against a certain ass-kisser medic. Frankly, Sasuke was pissed. He wasn't sure how exactly they had managed to fall into this situation in the first place…
Sasuke wandered down the dimly lit halls of Orochimaru's hideout aimlessly. He finished training with the snake not too long ago and had two hours of break while his "master" attended to an important matter. Psh, yeah right, like Orochimaru would ever get a 'sama' out of him.
As he passed by the infirmary he glanced in curiously, unable to stop himself. It was empty. There was no ass-kisser (a.k.a. Kabuto) in sight. Slightly surprised by this, the Uchiha continued on, his destination being the morgue.
He was less surprised when he found the medic in there, working on an autopsy. He had to stop himself from snorting at the irony. If Kabuto wasn't healing a person's life-threatening injuries, he was tearing apart a dead body.
"Ah, Sasuke-kun, what brings you here?" Kabuto asked, pausing from his work to plaster on a fake smile.
Wearing a mask of indifference, Sasuke wandered a few steps closer to the medic. "Orochimaru needs to take care of a disturbance or something so I have one hour of break."
"Ah." Kabuto nodded in understanding. "One thing, Sasuke-kun. While I know you've been here for two years and haven't done it once, would it hurt you to call him Orochimaru-sama?"
Sasuke turned a glare upon him. "Yes," he said flatly.
With a sigh of hopelessness Kabuto returned to his work. "I wonder how Kakashi-san put up with you."
Sasuke couldn't hide his flinch as Kabuto uttered that name. He scowled and glared pointedly at the back of the medic's head before wandering around the room. Approaching the morgue shelves which held the multiple bodies, Sasuke peered into the only one pulled out, which he assumed belonged to the body Kabuto was performing an autopsy on.
Kabuto, noticing Sasuke's curiosity, smirked. "Be careful Sasuke-kun, what if someone was to come push you in and close the shelf? You would never fulfill your revenge then."
The Uchiha turned a cold stare upon him. "You would get me out." It wasn't a question, but an order.
"And if I didn't?" Finishing the final touches of the autopsy, the medic removed his latex gloves and leaned back against the stainless silver table, observing the younger teen coolly.
"If you didn't, Orochimaru would need to find a new right-hand man," Sasuke replied calmly.
"Oh? Is that a threat, Sasuke-kun?" Kabuto asked, his eyes dancing in amusement.
"No. I would be in the shelf, remember? I couldn't lay a finger on you," Sasuke said, leaning against the shelf for emphasis. "I just mean that Orochimaru would hang your ass above his fireplace for suffocating his new container."
"Not if he didn't know it was me. I could always tell him it was some other Sound-nin. I'm sure he would believe me over them," Kabuto retorted.
"Why would some random Sound-nin want to kill me?" Sasuke scoffed.
Kabuto shrugged. "I don't know, maybe because you refused to sleep with them or something." As a murderous glare was shot his way he quickly apologized. "Just a joke, Sasuke-kun. They would probably want to kill you because they would be jealous of how much attention you get from Orochimaru-sama."
Sasuke observed Kabuto for a moment in silence. "Like you?" he finally asked.
The medic froze for a millisecond before gently pushing his glasses up, a mocking smirk twisting his features. "What ever do you mean, Sasuke-kun?"
A cold glare was sent his way. "Don't pretend like you don't know. I know that you tried to kill me before, during the Chuunin Exams."
Kabuto's smirk only widened. "Ah, so Kakashi-san told you about that, did he?" At Sasuke's silence Kabuto continued. "Yes, it's true that I was and am envious of the amount of attention you receive from Orochimaru-sama. It's a true honor, but you aren't even grateful for it."
"I don't need or want his attention," Sasuke spat.
"Ah of course, I forgot. The only attention you want is from your beloved older brother." No sooner had the words left his mouth than Sasuke appeared in front of him suddenly, his fist smashing into Kabuto's cheek, hurling him over the table and into some of the shelves.
"Shut the hell up," he growled, staring Kabuto down with swirling blood red eyes.
The medic slowly rose to his feet, swiping a small dribble of blood from the corner of his mouth. "You've gotten faster," he complimented before appearing beside a surprised Sasuke a second later. "But you're still not as fast as me." In the blink of an eye he lifted the younger teen up by his collar and slammed a fist into his stomach, sending him crashing into the shelves above the open one and then landing conveniently in it.
Sasuke grunted at the impact and squinted his eyes shut. After reopening them, Kabuto's smirking face came into view, becoming closer and closer every second. Surrounding his hand was blazing blue chakra which Sasuke knew did not bode well. He narrowed his eyes, determined to show that he wasn't afraid.
"Sasuke-kun, are you ready to stop this foolishness now?" the medic asked, allowing the chakra in his hand to diminish. He offered Sasuke his hand when all the chakra disappeared.
Sasuke reluctantly accepted his hand before muttering, "Not quite" and tugging harshly, causing Kabuto to fall ungracefully onto both the shelf and Sasuke. As Kabuto attempted to sit up, Sasuke flattened out against the shelf as a body would be laid and, gripping the wood above his head, pushed forward quickly, bashing the kneeling medic's head against the wood.
Kabuto grunted in pain, falling to accidentally lie on top of Sasuke completely. It didn't take him long to recover though and he hooked his fingers on the inside of the opening the shelf pulled out from. "Remember Sasuke-kun, what goes around comes around," he sneered before pulling hard on the wood, smirking in satisfaction as he heard Sasuke's yelp of pain as his fingers were crushed between the shelf and the opening.
The color drained from Kabuto's face when Sasuke instinctively pulled his injured fingers out to nurse them, the only thing holding the shelf open. The dreadful click of the shelf locking in place resounded in his ears like the hammer of a jurist sealing his fate.
Both shinobi realized the terrible situation they were in: they were locked in a morgue shelf…together.
Oh. So that's how it happened. Sasuke realized that some of the blame did belong to him, but his pride forced him to pin most of the fault on the medic currently lying on top of him.
"This is all because of you!" Sasuke growled as the two fidgeted uncomfortably.
"Me? You were the one who started that moronic fist fight!" Kabuto retorted, beginning to lose his patience.
"You provoked me!" Sasuke defended, glaring up into the darkness where he thought Kabuto's face was. "It's too damn dark and cramped in here."
"Well it is a morgue shelf, Sasuke-kun. It's only meant for one person, err, corpse." Kabuto finally gave up on attempting to put a reasonable amount of space between his and Sasuke's bodies; it was impossible! He sighed and allowed all his weight to rest on the body beneath him.
Sasuke let out a small noise of discomfort and squirmed. "Personal space bubble…" he mumbled.
"I'm sorry Sasuke-kun, but when I try to put at least a centimeter of space between us my back is grated against the roof."
"But you're heavier than me…" Sasuke whined, shifting irritably. "What if you suffocate me?"
"I only weigh 160 pounds, I'm not that much heavier than you."
Sasuke made a noise of indignation. "You're 40 pounds heavier than me!"
"You only weigh 120 pounds?" Kabuto asked, taking on an authoritative tone. "Have you been skipping meals again?"
Sasuke scowled. "Stop acting like a mother. It's creepy."
"I'm not a mother, I'm your doctor. I have to watch out for these things."
"Hn, whatever. The more important issue is how we're going to get out of here."
Kabuto looked thoughtful, or at least Sasuke supposed he did since he couldn't see a thing in the darkness. "It looks like we'll just have to wait until Orochimaru-sama or someone else comes to find us."
"Can't we get out on our own?" Sasuke asked, straining his Sharingan to try and make out the details of the shelf.
"No, it only opens from the outside. I know what you're thinking, and no, you can't Chidori your way out. We can't use jutsus or we might harm each other in the process, especially with our limited vision."
"Who ever said I didn't intend to hurt you while getting out of here?"
"Ha ha, Sasuke-kun," Kabuto grumbled.
A long silence stretched, one that Sasuke thought might have a chance of earning a place in the Guinness Book of World Records as the most awkward silence of the year. During the period of quiet, both men fidgeted and squirmed, though most of the discomfort belonged to Sasuke.
"Kabuto?" Sasuke asked after awhile.
"Hm?" Kabuto was slightly surprised; Sasuke's tone conveyed that this was going to be a question where a straight, truthful answer was required.
"Are you gay?" Sasuke blurted, unable to hold it in any longer. If he was going to be pressed flush against Kabuto in a stupid shelf for who-knows-how-long, he felt that he deserved to know the medic's sexual orientation.
After a short pause, amused chuckles rang out in the small confines of the morgue shelf. "Haha, so that's what you were worried about?"
"What's so funny?" Sasuke demanded.
"Heh, oh nothing." Kabuto recovered from his fit of snickers and offered a smile. "If you must know, I'm not gay. I'm actually asexual."
Silence.
"…Are you serious?"
"Yes. If I was homosexual, with our close proximity and your squirming, don't you think you would've felt it by now?" Kabuto teased.
Sasuke's face heated up and he was actually grateful for the surrounding darkness. "Pervert," he mumbled, continuing to wiggle and squirm. "I don't care if you're asexual; if you molest me while we're in here I swear I'll kill you."
"I wish I could Sasuke-kun, but unfortunately it's too hard to remove your clothes in here," Kabuto joked, slipping a finger under Sasuke's waistband and tugging teasingly.
Bad move.
Sasuke totally freaked out. He thrashed around violently, at least as much as he could in the confined space. Grunting in pain, Kabuto snatched Sasuke's arms and held them tightly crossed between their bodies, restraining him.
"Stop, don't touch me!" Sasuke thrashed his legs wildly until they were soon grabbed by Kabuto's legs and forced to remain still.
"Calm down, Sasuke-kun, it was only a joke," Kabuto reassured calmly, soothing him with his smooth doctor voice until Sasuke stopped struggling. "I'm not going to molest you. You're not as irresistible as you think you are."
Sasuke huffed and glared at where he thought Kabuto's face was. "Let go of me already," he grumbled. Kabuto complied and he felt Sasuke relax slightly.
"Sasuke-kun, I have a question for you now. Are you gay?" he asked, turning the tables.
"No. Never was, never will be."
"You're straight then. Or bisexual?"
"Straight."
"Is that so?" Kabuto questioned. "You never seemed to show an interest in Sakura-chan."
Sasuke twitched. "I just didn't like her that way."
"From what I recall, you didn't like any of the girls in Konoha 'that way'."
"Is that a crime?" Sasuke asked in annoyance.
"No, but to me, it seems as if it's your cover-up," Kabuto replied smugly.
"I'm not gay!" Sasuke retorted. "Or bisexual!"
"It's ok if you're in the closet," Kabuto replied almost sympathetically.
"I wouldn't be talking if I were you. I've seen the way you look at Orochimaru, you so-called 'asexual'."
Kabuto sighed. "The looks I give him are of pure admiration, Sasuke-kun, nothing more."
Sasuke snorted. "Yeah right. You're probably plotting how to get into his pants right now, you pervert."
"Let's just drop the matter," Kabuto said with another sigh. Although he couldn't see it, he knew that Sasuke was smirking in triumph and he wished he could wipe it off his pretty-boy face. However, he remembered what happened last time he tried to teach the boy some manners, and if they ever got out of this shelf, he didn't really find it appealing to end up in another one.
Silence descended again, and instead of focusing on the awkwardness of the situation Sasuke allowed his mind to wander. He thought back to what Kabuto said earlier when he was first examining the morgue shelf… "You jinxed us!" Sasuke childishly accused.
Kabuto blinked in surprise. "What?"
"You said that if I kept staring at the shelf, someone would come and push me in and I would be stuck in it, and I am! You jinxed us!"
"Sasuke-kun, you don't actually believe that, do you?" Kabuto asked in disbelief.
"Now that it's been proven, I do," Sasuke insisted stubbornly.
"It was stupidity on both sides that got us stuck in here, not a jinx."
"You just don't want to admit that it's your fault."
"Sasuke-kun, stop being so difficult," Kabuto ordered, feeling the beginnings of a headache coming on. Before Sasuke could make a retort he silenced him. "I know that there's a lot of tension between us and we don't particularly like each other -"
Sasuke snorted. "That's an understatement."
"– but I think now is the perfect time to work out our differences."
"What's there to work out? I think you're a kiss-ass and you think I'm a brat. Case closed," Sasuke stated simply.
"That's exactly what I want to work out. I want you to understand that I'm more than a 'kiss-ass', as you put it -"
"So you kiss other things too?" Sasuke asked in disgust.
Kabuto growled in annoyance. "Just let me finish! I want you to learn more about me and I'll learn more about you, in a nutshell. Okay?"
"It's not like I have anything better to do," Sasuke reluctantly agreed.
"Alright. To start off, why do you think I'm a suck-up?"
"I think it's pretty self-explanatory. You suck up to Orochimaru. Thus the term 'suck-up'."
Kabuto took a deep breath and released it slowly, counting to ten in his head. Sasuke could be such a pain in the ass. "You may view it as sucking up, Sasuke-kun, but I'm merely being respectful. Orochimaru-sama is a very powerful shinobi and I don't want to be killed, so respect toward him is vital. You, however, can get away with being a rude brat because Orochimaru-sama needs your pretty face."
"You think I'm pretty?" Sasuke asked in slight amusement.
"On the outside, your physical features are appealing, but your personality needs work."
"Oh bite me…and if you take that literally I swear I'll kill you."
"I'm sorry to say that I highly doubt you could," Kabuto smirked. "And I have no desire to put any part of you between my teeth."
"…pervert."
"I believe that you're the pervert for always assuming that I have my mind in the gutter."
"You probably do."
"We're getting off topic." Kabuto took a deep breath and released it to calm himself. His breath swooshed over Sasuke's face, reminding both of them how close they really were.
"I suppose you want me to ask you why you think I'm a brat?" Sasuke asked, playing along.
"So you actually do listen sometimes." This earned him a glare, not that he could see it, but the pure hate in the stare practically bore through his forehead. "I think you're a stuck up brat who thinks he's better than everyone else. You treat your superiors with disdain and you're ungrateful for what you have. Orochimaru-sama trains you as well as he can, yet you demand more and don't appreciate it."
Sasuke was silent for a moment before answering bitterly. "Alright, now do you expect me to explain my behavior like you did? It's very simple; I'm a brat and I'm a smartass because I can be."
Kabuto was taken aback by Sasuke's sudden change in tone. He didn't know what answer he was expecting to hear, but it certainly wasn't that. "Care to elaborate?" he coaxed.
"What's to elaborate on? It's my life, I control it, and I will be no one's pawn. I can do whatever the hell I want," he spat.
Kabuto wouldn't have probed further, but Sasuke's comment about being "no one's pawn" piqued his interest. He seemed to be referring to people in general, but Kabuto knew it had a deeper meaning.
"Who would use you as a pawn, Sasuke-kun?" he asked, playing stupid, seeming nonchalant.
Sasuke froze for a moment, cursing himself for his slip. "Who wouldn't?" he quickly answered.
"Ah, touché. I guess you're right; we live in a world where anyone would take advantage of someone if they were given the chance." Kabuto paused, evaluating the situation before choosing to throw caution to the wind and lay his suspicions on the table. "Like Itachi, perhaps?"
His assumption was confirmed when he felt Sasuke's muscles tense beneath him and he saw the brief glint of blood red before his vision was filled with darkness again.
The escalating situation was put to a halt when both shinobi heard the woosh of a door opening and closing. The morgue door. They both strained their ears in an attempt to figure out the identity of the person who entered.
"Kabuto?" They recognized Ryoga's1 voice, Orochimaru's second most valuable spy. "You in here, man?"
"Ryoga-san!" Kabuto called desperately. "Over here!"
"Kabuto? Where are you?" Ryoga blinked, wandering over to the shelves. "Are you in here?"
"No, we're under the floorboards," Sasuke answered sarcastically.
"Sasuke? You in there too?" Ryoga finally located the shelf they were in. "Which one of you is in this one?"
"We're both stuck in here together," Kabuto said with a hint of impatience. "Please get us out."
"You two are in there together?" he asked stupidly. "Can't that only fit one person?"
"No shit. That's why he asked you to get us out," Sasuke responded, rolling his eyes.
"But what are you guys doing in there…?" Ryoga's eyes suddenly widened. "OH. I know what you two are doing. Man Kabuto, you sadistic bastard, making-out with the Uchiha in a morgue shelf! Couldn't you have picked a more romantic setting?"
"What? No, Ryoga-san, you've got it all wrong -"
"Kabuto, you sly dog!" Ryoga laughed heartily. "Hey, Sasuke, is four-eyes any good?"
"Any good at what? Being a kiss-ass?"
"Haha he doesn't seem too happy, Kabuto! You're either a really bad kisser, or he's not too happy with the location."
"Ryoga, you moronic imbecile, open this damn shelf before I Chidori your ass to next Tuesday!"
"No way, man. I don't really want to see what else you two have been doing in there," Ryoga replied with a shudder. "I'll let you two have your privacy now."
"Come back, Ryoga-san!" Kabuto called desperately after the sound of retreating footsteps.
"Asshole!" Sasuke shouted as he heard the door slam. "I'll kill you when I get out of here!"
"If we get out of here," the medic reminded him. "We still have quite a bit of time until Orochimaru-sama comes looking for you."
"Yeah, but when he does, what if he reacts the way Ryoga did?"
"Oh, you needn't worry about that, Sasuke-kun. If Orochimaru-sama thought I was touching you in any way other than to heal your injuries without his permission, there would be hell to pay, to put it bluntly."
"Why?" the Uchiha asked curiously.
"He's very possessive of you; he doesn't want anyone touching you but him," Kabuto explained.
Sasuke scowled. "He doesn't own me."
Kabuto bit back his comment that the mark on Sasuke's shoulder said otherwise. He didn't feel like dying in his own morgue.
"Damn it, Orochimaru better get here soon." Sasuke squirmed and fidgeted uncomfortably.
"Sasuke-kun," Kabuto said quietly. "Do you hate me?"
The Uchiha was taken aback by the sudden question. "Why do you ask?" he asked gruffly to hide his surprise.
"I know you dislike me, but do you hate me?"
"…The only people I hate are Itachi and Orochimaru," Sasuke answered with a frown. "You're no where near their level."
"What am I to you, then?" Kabuto asked. "Out of curiosity."
"You're my medic," Sasuke answered uncomfortably, not certain where exactly this was going.
"Would you consider me an acquaintance?" Kabuto slowly moved his hands upward, towards Sasuke's face.
"Sure, I guess." He couldn't see the slowly approaching hands.
"Am I a friend to you?" the medic continued, brushing his fingertips over Sasuke's cheeks lightly. His skin is so soft…
"You're no where near being my friend…Hey, what are you doing?" He felt Kabuto's slightly calloused fingers exploring his face.
"Not a friend, hm? How about something more than that?" he breathed, his thumb sliding over Sasuke's lips.
"Kabuto, stop it, you're confusing me," Sasuke ordered, trying to maintain the calm in his voice.
"Confusing you how, Sasuke-kun? Are you feeling that you might not be straight after all?"
"I'm serious, Kabuto, quit."
"I change my answer from earlier, Sasuke-kun. I'm not asexual."
"Wha – mmrph!" He was cut off as soft lips pressed hard against his and a hand fisted in his hair.
"I just might be gay," Kabuto breathed as he pulled away, his breath ghosting over Sasuke's surprised lips.
"But – mmrph!"
"I also change my other answer."
"Stop – mmrph!"
"You are irresistible."
"Kabu – mmrph!"
Orochimaru was puzzled. He couldn't find his stubborn Uchiha anywhere. He searched the training grounds, his room, and the infirmary, but Sasuke was nowhere to be found. The snake was currently heading towards the morgue to ask Kabuto if he had seen Sasuke when he passed his second-most-useful spy in the hallway.
"Ryoga, do you know where Sasuke-kun is?" he asked stopping in front of the young man.
Ryoga froze for a moment before breaking out in a fit of giggles.
Orochimaru narrowed his eyes and frowned. "What's so funny?" he asked dangerously.
"Sasuke is in the morgue with Kabuto. Let's just say that they're…bonding." With that said, the spy skipped past the Sannin chuckling merrily.
Orochimaru watched him go with suspicious eyes. He did not miss the double entendre in that sentence. He made his way to the morgue more quickly now and silently slipped through the slightly ajar door. He blinked in surprise at what he found – nothing. No Sasuke and no Kabuto.
He was about to leave when he heard barely audible muffled voices and rustling noises. "Kabuto? Are you here?" he called.
"Orochimaru-sama?" Kabuto asked with a frown, pausing on his way down to plant another kiss on Sasuke's delectable lips.
"Orochimaru!" Sasuke exclaimed, the happiest he'd ever been to see the snake.
The Sannin followed the sound of their voices until he stopped at a particular shelf. "Well, well, it looks like you two have gotten yourselves into quite the predicament," he said in amusement, chuckling lowly.
"Get me out, now!" Sasuke ordered, his voice coming out muffled to Orochimaru by the wood between them.
"Don't you mean 'get us out'?" Kabuto asked.
"No, you can stay here and rot for all I care!"
"My, my, Sasuke-kun. You dislike Kabuto much more than I thought you did. Whatever did he do to you?" Orochimaru asked curiously, eyes glinting.
"The friggin' bastard ki – mmrph!"
"Ki? Hmm…what could you possibly mean, Sasuke-kun?" he feigned confusion.
"He ki – mmrph!"
"Let's see…what words began with 'ki'?" he drawled.
"He just did it again! He keeps on ki – mmrph!"
"Killed? No, you wouldn't be talking if that happened."
"Damn it! Stop ki – mmrph!"
"Kicked? Maybe, but I highly doubt that's possible in the situation you're in."
"Well maybe if he stopped I could tell you that he's ki – mmrph!"
"Hmm…could you possibly be saying that Kabuto kissed you, Sasuke-kun?" Orochimaru teased. "But why would he ever do that?"
"Yes, he kissed me!" Sasuke finally blurted out before he was roughly silenced. "Mmmrphh!"
"My, my, I didn't know you swung that way Kabuto," he said, grinning.
"Well, I had to find some way to shut him up. He was being quite bothersome and I can't reach my hand up to cover his mouth," Kabuto explained.
"Liar – mmrph!"
"Just ignore him, Orochimaru-sama. I'm afraid that the lack of oxygen in here has made him delusional."
"I can breathe just fine – mmrph!"
"Ah, I see," Orochimaru replied with a knowing smirk. "Well let's get you two out of there before the "lack of oxygen" causes him to fall unconscious."
"Yes, Orochimaru-sama," Kabuto consented.
The Sannin tugged open the shelf with ease and couldn't hold back an amused snicker at his subordinates' predicament.
The moment he saw the dim lights of the morgue, Sasuke, who was flushed red, immediately shoved Kabuto off of him and leapt out of the shelf, straightening his ruffled hair as he did so. The medic followed soon after, stretching his limbs, glad to be able to move around again.
"So Sasuke-kun, shall we continue our training?"
Sasuke nodded at his sensei before shooting a mean glare at Kabuto.
Kabuto returned the glare with a smirk. "Orochimaru-sama, if you don't mind, could I keep Sasuke-kun for a little while longer? His leg seemed to be paining him so I would like to check on it. We'll only be a few minutes," he lied, although he knew Orochimaru could see right through it.
Orochimaru observed him for a moment, contemplating, before slowly nodding his head. " Alright, Kabuto. I trust you know your limits." He turned, making his way to the door. He paused with his hand on the knob. "Send him to the training grounds when you're done. Have fun."
When Orochimaru was gone, Sasuke shot a suspicious look at the medic. "My leg doesn't hurt."
"No, but it will if you don't cooperate," Kabuto said with a grin before quickly pinning the Uchiha to the wall.
Sasuke glared at him. "What are you doing?"
A feral smile spread across his face. "Now that we have more space, I thought we'd reenact what happened in the shelf…only better."
"What do you –MMMRRRPPPHHH!"
A/N: No, I did not intend to hint at any yaoi. Shonen-ai, yes, yaoi, no. Just to make that clear. :P
1 Ryoga is a minor OC. I actually borrowed the name from the series Ranma 1/2.