Disclaimer: The characters of Supernatural do not belong to me. This is my first ever Destiel fic. It is a songfic, using When You're Gone, by Avril Lavigne. It's mostly how Dean feels since Cas is gone, this is set in season 7. Mostly because I just got into the show and I'm only in season 8. I hope ya'll like, and there will be more from me, I am quite sure of it. This is half AU and half canon, because John's alive.
I Give My Heart and Soul
By Julia
I always needed time on my own
I never thought I'd need you there when I cry
And the days feel like years when I'm alone
And the bed where you lie
Is made up on your side
When you walk away I count the steps that you take
Do you see how much I need you right now?
Dean rolled over in the bed, as the alarm on the clock radio woke him, playing that annoying Avril Lavigne song that had been so popular back in the day. Well, it really hadn't been that long, just a few years, he supposed. He didn't want to hear it. He wondered where Sam was, and why he hadn't woken him, instead of letting him be awakened by the alarm clock. He let out a groan and called out, "Sammy?"
Not hearing a reply, he actually started listening to the lyrics of the song. Fuck, they summed up exactly how he felt about Castiel being gone. Not that Cas could help it…. He was dead. Dean hated that, and wished he could change it. Not that he wasn't still mad at Cas, because a part of him was. But he was never going to not miss him. He loved him. Dean had always been into women, or at least…. He had appeared to be… then Castiel had come along.
His eyes were threatening to brush with tears, and he wasn't sure that he could deal with that. Also, John wasn't here either. Had his dad and brother gone to get breakfast? Dean threw back the covers and went to get a shower, thinking about Cas the entire time. Nothing had happened with them yet, but Dean had often wondered if something could. There had been a few times that he had thought he and Cas might kiss.
Without realizing it, he'd been praying to Castiel, and when he came out of the bathroom wrapped up in a towel, he found John and Sam were back. They did in fact have breakfast with them. Dean moved to grab some clothes. "What'd you bring?" He asked curiously.
"Breakfast burritos and coffee, what else?" Sam replied, looking at his brother. Dean hadn't exactly been talkative lately, and he was wondering if it had to do with Cas. They hadn't talked about it yet, not that they talked about things like that often. Dean kept a lot to himself. It was just how Winchesters were. He watched Dean go back into the bathroom to get dressed. Sam shared a look with his father.
John took a bite of his burrito. "You think that's about Cas?" He asked his younger son with a low voice, wondering if the younger man would know. John had his suspicions about Dean and Cas, and he was sure that there was something going on there. Or Dean wanted there to be. John hoped that Dean knew he would love him no matter what, even if he was gay. But he didn't know how to bring that up without bringing up Castiel, and he didn't want to rub salt in Dean's wounds.
Sam checked to see if Dean was still in the closed bathroom before he answered. "I do think it's about Castiel…. I just don't know how to bring it up to him. I know he's…. There are things about his relationship with Cas that I'm afraid to ask him, mostly because I know he might not answer me." Sam told his father. "I think he's in love with Cas." He confided.
"So do I." Was the reply from his father.
This was when Dean came out of the bathroom, dressed. He reached for one of the burritos. He took a large bite, catching that his family was looking at him with strange looks on their faces. "Um, what?" He asked, wondering if this was when someone was finally going to ask him how he felt about Cas, whom he was still praying to at that moment. He never stopped these days, a part of him was hoping that Cas would hear him, even if he knew it was stupid.
Neither of them answered, and Dean was left alone with his praying.
When you're gone
The pieces of my heart are missing you
When you're gone
The face I came to know is missing too
When you're gone
The words I need to hear to always get me through the day
And make it okay
I miss you
I've never felt this way before
Everything that I do reminds me of you
And the clothes you left, they lie on the floor
And they smell just like you
I love the things that you do
When you walk away I count the steps that you take
Do you see how much I need you right now?
It was when the case was over that they got into the talking about Cas. It was just John and Dean, Sam was asleep, the case had taken a lot out of him. Dean looked at his father. "Just ask." He said, after they'd been sitting there for a few minutes without anyone having said anything. They were in Butte, Montana, and tomorrow they'd be checking the papers before they moved on to somewhere else. Dean knew that his father was wanting to talk about Cas. He wasn't sure how he knew, he just did.
"Just ask me what you want to ask me, Dad."
John was glad they were finally getting into talking about Dean's feelings for Castiel. John liked Castiel, he thought he was a good man, he had made a few mistakes, but his heart was in the right place. That was more than you could say for some people. John sipped his beer, and stood up, going to get Dean one. He handed it to his son and then sat down again.
"Okay, I'll ask. Are you in love with Cas?" He asked, keeping his eyes on Dean the entire time. He didn't know what else to say, and that was blunt and to the point. It served the purpose, and he watched Dean struggle to answer it.
"Yeah, Dad, I'm in love with Castiel." Dean finally said, after downing his beer and moving to get a class of Scotch. He moved to sit back down with John, setting the bottle between their chairs, so it was within easy reach. This was definitely a conversation he needed to be drunk for. "I think I always was…. Because I can't remember a time when I wasn't." He said, it was true…. He barely remembered what his life had been like before Cas showed up. Dean had liked his life too. It had been a good one. He loved being a hunter.
John took another sip of his beer, and watched as Dean poured himself another glass of Scotch. He wasn't surprised at all to hear Dean answer in the affirmative. "I'm glad that you're being honest with me." He told his son, and ran his hand through his scruffy beard. "You can love whomever you want, if that's what's holding you back, from telling us, I don't love you any less. You're my son, and you can be with whomever you want."
He knew Cas was dead, and Dean was going to have to move on, and he wanted to make sure that Dean knew he could love another man if that's what he wanted. "I'll admit, it's not what I had thought of when it came to your life, but it's your life, not mine. You can make whatever choices you want, you have to be happy with your life." John told him, it was what he thought Mary would have said, too.
Hearing his dad say that was a load off Dean's mind. He mused about this as he took another sip of his Scotch. He wasn't even remotely drunk yet, but he knew that he'd get there, this was really good Scotch. He downed a couple more glasses before he spoke again. "I am still praying to him all of the time, Dad. I know it's stupid, and I know that he can't hear me…. But it doesn't stop me. I really really want him to answer me back. To come…." Dean said, his eyes brushing with tears despite himself.
"And he's not there…. He's just gone. It's….. It's horrifying." Dean said, it was the thing that scared him the most right now. The world without Cas. He knew that Cas could somehow come back, Dean himself had died, and so had Sam and John. But yet, here they all were. It was just something that Dean was trying not to hang all of his hopes on, because he knew that it was more likely that he was never going to see Castiel again.
Taking that all in, John said, "I know what that feels like. It's still like that with your mother… I call out to her all day long, wishing that there were things I could tell her. Wishing that she'd be able to give me advice on how to help you boys. It's never going to go away, that feeling of wanting him here. And it's got to be harder for you, because you never got a chance to tell him how you feel about him. I can't imagine what that's like. Do you have feelings of regret about that? Because you shouldn't, Dean. You weren't ready to speak up, and that's okay. Your feelings are valid. You shouldn't feel like you regret how things went."
He really didn't want Dean to be beating himself up about the fact that he hadn't ever told Cas how he felt.
Dean took another long sip, and pulled out his phone, ordering a pizza from the joint that was just down the street. Dean liked his road food, and could memorize pizza numbers just by looking at them once or twice. He ordered one pepperoni, and one with everything. He and his father both could put away food. Dean put the phone down as soon as it was ordered. "Dad… I don't have regrets. I mean, I do wish that I had spoken up…. But I will never regret the time I had with Cas. I will always love him, and I will always treasure the time we had together."
Okay, now he was sounding like some girl… but it was true. He was never going to regret the time that he and Cas had had together. Before John could reply, there was a flash of light, and Castiel was standing in front of them. "Cas?" Dean asked immediately, his eyes filling with tears. He set down his drink.
"I'll leave you boys to it." John said, after shaking Cas' hand. He headed inside, they were sitting outside on the balcony.
Castiel took in the look on Dean's face. He was glad that he was back. He didn't know how or why, but as soon as he had realized that he wasn't dead, he had gone to answer Dean's prayers. It was only two seconds after John had gone in that Dean was hugging him. Cas held him close, hugging him tightly. "It's me." He said in Dean's ear, glad to be with him again.
When you're gone
The pieces of my heart are missing you
When you're gone
The face I came to know is missing too
When you're gone
The words I need to hear to always get me through the day
And make it okay
I miss you
We were made for each other
Out here forever
I know we were, yeah, yeah
All I ever wanted was for you to know
Everything I do I give my heart and soul
I can hardly breathe, I need to feel you here with me
When Dean had had his fill of hugging him, he stepped back, keeping his green eyes on Cas' blue ones. "How… why…. How are you here?" He finally managed to get out, his throat thick with unshed tears, and his eyes were watering. He still had a hold on Cas' arm, as if he was trying to convince himself that Cas was real, that he was really there.
"That I cannot answer. I wish that I could. All I know is that I heard your prayers… and as soon as I knew I could, I came here to you." Castiel replied. There was something here right now that was changed between them, and Cas wasn't sure that he could put his finger on what it was. But there was something changed that he could tell was different.
He looked into Dean's green eyes, and before either of them knew it, they were kissing. Cas was surprised, but he didn't stop him. It felt really good. He pressed deeper into the kiss, arms circling Dean's waist and tugging him closer. They both let out moans against the other's mouth.
Dean wanted to rush into sex, but he knew that that was a bad idea. He pulled back when he needed to breathe, and they shared a look. "I've wanted to do that for a very long time." Dean said, reaching out and taking Cas' hand, lacing his fingers with the other man's tightly. It felt really weird, but really right at the same time. Dean knew that he was in love, big time and forever, with Cas. "I'm in love with you, Cas." He added, and somehow, he knew what Cas was going to say in reply.
But he waited patiently for the man to answer him.
"I'm in love with you, too, Dean. What does that mean now? Are we…. Together? Are we going to have sex like that pizza man in that video?" Cas asked, referencing the only porn he'd ever watched, making Dean laugh through his tears.
"I think we should take this slow, Cas… I don't want to rush into anything. It's just enough for now that we know we can be together, okay?" He said, taking Cas in his arms again, hugging him close. He was never letting go again.
When you're gone
The pieces of my heart are missing you
When you're gone
The face I came to know is missing too
When you're gone
The words I need to hear to always get me through the day
And make it okay
I miss you
Author's note: XD. OMG. I HAVE GOTTEN SO MUCH WRITING DONE TODAY. I hope ya'll liked my first ever Destiel fic…. There's at least one more oneshot I have planned, and this might possibly be a twoshot. I hope to have many more, Destiel is my SHIP.