Still a Girl
Just A Penniless Writer
Standard Disclaimer Applies
Author's Plea: This story makes me feel cheap and used. Monologue/ One sided dialogue. Because I felt like it, damnit.
"I was still a girl. I was twenty, had survived a war, and I was still a girl. Not a woman. Not even a young woman. I was just a girl.
"I don't expect you to understand. After all, you are a man. Not a boy, no, not you. You, Harry Potter, are a man. Even before you killed Voldemort. O, you were a magnificent young man, Harry. Wonderful. A year younger than I and yet you reach maturity in the eyes of the world before me. Why?
"You were a man, Harry, and I was still a girl. Girls are irresponsible. Girls are unbalanced. And girls certainly aren't ready to take on the burden of a serious relationship or major career advancement. No, girls can only be trusted to change their minds. But my mind was set and being denied because I was still considered a child... It was more than I could take.
"I have dealt with much discrimination in my life, Harry. More so than even you, I daresay. I was the odd child. I was the strange one. Muggle, magical... It didn't matter because I was always a bit off, too much for anyone to handle. And my blood, let us not forget my blood. Dirty, tainted – did you ever hear the whispers, Harry? It wasn't just Malfoy. It was never simply Malfoy.
"Which brings me to my point. He hated me – o, he never hid that. I grant him that, he was always honest. So when I saw him as my stomach burned from the whiskey, when he came and spoke to me, when he called me a foolish girl... I had to prove to him, prove to everyone that I was a girl no longer. I was a woman. I am a woman.
"I am not entirely certain why I snogged him to prove this point. Yes, I was drunk. But I also wonder if it wasn't because I was trying to force my supposed impurity on him. Regardless of why I kissed him, there is still the question of why he responded so.
"Do not give him such simple motivations, Harry. A man does not put away decades of hate simply because of a good snog. I wonder as I did not wonder then why such passion poured from him. Was he putting all his hatred into that kiss? What was he trying to accomplish? I know what I was trying to accomplish, and I do believe I have succeeded, judging by your expression, but why did he allow himself to be lead to that inn room? Why did he let me strip him? Fuck him?
"I suppose in the end, it simply doesn't matter. He claims to have derived no pleasure though I know better. I know because his eyes linger. I know because his precious gift grows inside me even now. That he cannot bear the thought does not concern me. The part he has played has been enough.
"So ask me that question again, Harry. Ask me again why I fucked Lucius Malfoy. Ask any question you'd like. But let me first ask you this, Harry: when you look at me now, do you still see a girl?"