I do not own Bones, although if I did, we would have all left The End in the Beginning with a sense of satisfaction. But I digress, I do not own any othe characters and there's no point suing me because I'm poor.
Back to Me
Dr. Temperance Brennan had never believed that words could hold power over an individual. It just wasn't rational to believe that words alone could affect a human being, whether for the good or the bad. She pondered these things as she ran, the first time she had been inclined to do so in a very long time. The night was dark and the clouds were imminently threatening rain, which may have hindered her impulsive jog on a normal night, but tonight the bleakness fit her mood. With every staccato thud of her shoes on the concrete, his words echoed through her ears. Who are you? In that instant she had known what Angela had meant when she had told her about the power of words. Those three simple words, who are you, had literally stopped her breath short in her chest and produced a horrible aching she couldn't get rid of.
Her calves burned with exertion but she couldn't stop running. She panted heavily as she worked her way through the deserted streets of Washington D.C. She didn't know what time it was, or even where she was now, but she couldn't stop running. The pain in her legs and the burning in her lungs was nothing compared to the hideous ache she felt when she stopped to think about the sleeping man she had left in the hospital. Temperance Brennan was conflicted, there was no doubt about that. She understood the hurt she was feeling, after all they had been partners for years, and now he didn't even recognize her face. She could even explain away the anger, although she knew rationally none of this had been his fault. He had promised her after his "funeral" that he would never put her through this again, and yet here she was. She supposed the realization that bothered her the most was that those three little words, who are you, had broken her heart.
Rationally speaking, the human heart could not be broken. Rationally speaking, the human heart had absolutely no involvement in emotional connections. Yet despite her rationing, that pain in her chest refused to dissipate. She felt cold, inside and out, and it took her a moment to realize that the clouds had finally opened. She slowed her pace as she approached a familiar place. Their spot. She stopped at the bench and watched as the rain splashed into the reflecting pond at the base of the Washington Monument. He had always loved it here. It was symbolic to him, representative of the country he defended every day. Her clothes were soaked and her teeth chattered relentlessly, but the rain felt warm on her face. She realized then that she was crying.
She wrapped her arms around her body protectively as a sob escaped her lips. A boom of thunder echoed in the distance, mirroring her sorrow and she finally let herself go. How could this be happening? How had she let this happen? She should have known there had been something wrong with him, should have recognized the signs. She sobbed when she thought of how entrenched their lives were, how dependent she had become on him. Sweets had said they had formed a surrogate relationship, but she hadn't recognized the extent of that surrogacy until now. He had told her once that it was worth it, this pain that she was feeling as a result of his place in her life, and until this moment she hadn't accepted that place. She sobbed harder as the realization hit her like a bolt of lightning. She loved him. With every cell in her body, she loved him. And now he was gone, maybe forever.
She closed her eyes and pictured his face, his beautiful smile, the warm chocolaty depths of his eyes when he smiled for her. What would she do if he never smiled for her again? Seeley Booth, the sound of his name in her mind made her smile, even through her tears. She had never imagined when she had met that pigheaded, arrogant, alpha male, that he would completely and utterly own her heart. But his trust in her, his devotion to the right and the just, and simply by the way he had insinuated himself into her every day had opened her up to something she had never thought possible. She understood everything he and Angela had been trying to tell her for years. Love was real, it was powerful and confusing and absolutely everything. Her breath hitched as she regained her control and she sat for another moment, gazing at the sun peeking out over the horizon. She rose from the bench and cast a final sad glance at the pond before heading back towards the main road and her empty apartment.
She didn't know what would happen tomorrow. Would she go back to him or would she retreat, try and protect what remained of her shattered heart; would he smile with recognition or would the man she loved remain lost inside the shell that looked and smelled like Booth. She knew she couldn't go back to the life she had been leading yesterday. Couldn't go back to the life of solitude she used to embrace. It didn't feel like solitude since Booth, now it felt like aloneness, lonliness.
She thought back to the last words he had said to her before he had disappeared. "If something happens to me I want you to have my stuff…for a baby." Had he simply been easing his guilt at his previous refusal of her request or did he really want her to carry his child? And then she knew. It wasn't that he wanted her to carry his child, it was that he didn't want her to be alone, wanted her to have a piece of him forever if he didn't make it back to her himself. She had managed to convince herself that she had wanted his child because of his superior genetics but she understood now, after this night of revelations, that she had wanted to have a piece of him forever, in case he did leave. Of course, she had never expected him to leave so suddenly but he had given her his blessing, hadn't he?
She looked up in shock as she heard voices, and realized that she had made her way back to the hospital. Never had she been so completely lost in thought. The nurse smiled sadly in her direction and she turned towards his room, not ready to see the first faces of pity that would inevitably start once everyone heard that the Booth they knew was gone. Peering through the door she watched him sleeping peacefully. She had been watching him sleep for days, praying to his God to help him wake up. Now as she walked slowly toward his bed, she hoped he wouldn't. She couldn't bear to see that look of confusion on his face again. She stood at his side for a moment before leaning slowly and placing a gentle kiss on his bandaged brow.
"I'm going to do it Booth," she whispered softly, sitting down beside his bed. "I don't know if you'll understand and I hope you won't be angry with me, but I'm going to do it." He sighed in his sleep and she smiled gently, it reassured her that some parts of Booth were still there, even if some of him was lost. She picked up the pen and pad of paper on the table beside his bed and began to write.
Booth,
I know that I can't imagine how hard this must be for you, not having your memories, but if you need me, I will be there. I know it upsets you to hurt people you don't recognize, even if it's unintentional, it's just who you are. I want to help you in any way I can. If that means staying away and letting you get your life back on track in your own way, I will respect that.
If there is absolutely anything I can do to help you, please know you can call me anytime.
I hope you're well and you know you will always have a place among us.
She sighed in frustration as she contemplated what to end her letter with. She willed her body not to write 'With Love'. She knew he wasn't ready for that but her body seemed to be doing a lot of its own volition tonight, or today or whatever it was now.
She gave a small sad smile and finally wrote Bones across the bottom of the page. She knew he wouldn't know what it meant but it seemed so wrong not to. She slowly rose to her feet and placed another gentle kiss on his head. Reaching into her pocket she withdrew his cell phone and placed it quietly beside the folded note. She knew he had her information in his phone, she had put it in herself after he had called her for the third time in one night after forgetting her apartment number. That had been early in their partnership, and he hadn't needed it again after that night, but he had taken great pleasure in both her frustration with him and the fact that he had the bestselling authors information stored away on his phone. She had rolled her eyes at him but his grins were always infectious and soon she had found her frustration had faded. Tonight she was glad she had done it so long ago. She knew it would be too hard to do tonight, almost like acknowledging that this was really happening, that her partner was gone and might never come back.
She walked to the door and took a final look back at the sleeping man. "Come back to me Booth," she whispered, blinking back the tears that formed in her eyes. "Please come back to me." She forced herself to walk away then, not knowing if she'd see him again. She hoped beyond anything that he'd call her, that he'd want to talk to her, but she understood that it may be too difficult for him to see the sad way that she'd inevitably look at him. She knew the next move would have to be his to make. She thought back to something Booth's friend Ken Nakamura had said to her once. If she was willing to sacrifice her life for him, which she was, why would she not be willing to sacrifice her own happiness for him. It may not make sense to anyone other than herself, but she had to do this for Booth.
It took every bit of her strength to walk out of the hospital and hail a cab home to her apartment. She left a message for Cam, she knew she'd be no good at the Jeffersonian today and she didn't want to have to explain to them Booth's condition. She'd let Cam tell everyone, after all Cam was better at that sort of thing than she was. She sighed as she walked to her bedroom, stripping off her wet clothes as she went. She pulled a shirt out of the bag in the corner of her room. Booth's shirt. She had shoved it in her bag as they had wheeled him in for surgery and had been scolding herself ever since for the completely irrational act. Now, as she climbed into her bed she felt wrapped in him. The shirt still carried his scent and made her feel safe, like being in his arms. She curled up tightly under the covers and drifted into an exhausted sleep, where she dreamed of once again seeing his beautiful smile for her.