a.n. so. um. hi. this is my fist fanfic here. but i'm not a new writer.
but anyways, this fic is a giant song-fic including, but limited to: little lion man, dustland fairy tale, secrets, salt in the snow, and the black parade. not necessarily in that order.
insert disclaimer.
Burn
obi-wan was not defined by the force. or how he was raised, or the people he met, or experience. rather, he was defined by the night.
now learn from your mother
or else spend your days biting your own neck
Obi-Wan screams. And screams.
And screams.
And screams.
He's burning alive; the heat is climbing up his body, blissfully ignoring him. Everything is red and orange and burningburningburning—! Unconscious doesn't come, nor does death.
Obi-Wan screams.
And wakes up.
Breathing heavily, he takes his surroundings. He's home, at the Jedi Temple. In his room. Various items lay scattered on the floor. Obi-Wan frowns: a small light falls on the floor, and a shadow in the middle of it all. He glances up, and sees Qui-Gon stands at the door way.
Obi-Wan sighs, falling back onto the bed. "Good morning, Master."
A slight stirring in the Force and the lights flicker on, and Qui-Gon comes in closer. "Obi-Wan…that's the second nightmare you've had all week. What's wrong?"
Obi-Wan stares. And sighs. "I…nothing, Master. Nothing."
Qui-Gon doesn't believe him. "Was it that mission on Ralto?"
He buries his head in the pillow. fire…the smell of ash…burningburning…bodies piled upon others…he chokes as the ash swirls around him…screams…burningburning…
"Oh, Obi-Wan…." Qui-Gon holds him. "Everything will be alright."
Obi-Wan cries. "Wh-Why did they do it? I-It wasn't right. It wasn't r-right."
"I know."
(He never tells him that these nightmares aren't exactly new. Nor does he mention the he wasn't necessarily talking about the citizens of Ralto.)
is there still magic in the midnight sun
or did you leave it back in '61?
Coruscant seems more alive at night. Maybe it's because all the lights can be seen. But it's mostly because he can hear (and see) the humming life in Coruscant more easily. So when he can't sleep, he usually doesn't mind, because, he can just go to the roof, and sit and just listen, with or without the Force.
(That still doesn't make it all easier. Because, sometimes, after a really particular/vivid nightmare about stars, it doesn't seem right to go. Especially if
everything dies….eventually, even stars burn out
keeps repeating inside his head, mocking him.)
got no reason, got no shame
just don't let me disappear
Sometimes, you don't know what to think. Your mind…it's all blank. Thoughts evade you, and the Force drifts through, not quite at your fingertips, but not quite hiding, either.
It's not often you feel this way. Really. But that Ralto mission and Brit and Naboo and Jabiim….
Jedi were told not to feel. You were taught this all your life. So you didn't. You just…blanked.
(Mustafar was the last time you blanked. And it was then that you figured out why Jedi were told to hold their emotions.)
give me wings,
give me peace
Obi-Wan loved ships. He held this idealism that with ships, you could be free. You could be yourself and just relax.
He got rid of the idealism once he realized that ships aren't just vessels of travel. But of fighting and crashing, too.
(But mostly crashing. Qui-Gon told you it happens, don't worry. You'll soon learn. And you would very well like to believe him. But…
Every time you fly, the screams of the passengers echo in your ears.)
weep for yourself, my man
you'll never be what is in your heart
Anakin was not who he expected. Personality wise, that is.
So fidgety and curious, he never expected the boy to be serious. Concerned, well, fine. But…not like this. Not with all that intensity in his eyes. Obi-Wan glances away, so as not to look at them.
"I'm fine, Anakin. Don't worry. I just don't sleep much, is all."
"But, why?"
Obi-Wan glances back. Shrugs. "Mostly from nightmares. Sometimes, there really is no reason. I just can't."
The twelve-year old stares. "What are they about?"
"Fire," Obi-Wan replies, without thinking. "A lot of fire. And death."
Anakin looks like he's about to cry. "I know."
(He makes it a point to know Anakin better, now. Because, he wants to be a good master and a good friend. And maybe, Anakin will trust him enough to tell him what his nightmares are about, too.)
will you defeat them
your demons, and all the non-believers,
the plans that they have made?
What Dooku told him…was tempting. To save everyone, and prevent the rise of a Sith. But, he was a Jedi, and something seemed off about Dooku. Obi-Wan strived to know, but with strong shielding, it was hard. So it was with great difficulty when he said "i'll never join you, Dooku."
(You can never get the image of great disappointment and weary acceptance out of your head.)
tremble for yourself, my man
you know that you have seen this all before
When you fall, all you can think is why why why.
When the water hits you, all you can think is why why why.
When you get on Bail Organas' ship, all is why why why.
When you see the recording, all is why why why.
After Mustafar, and her death, all you can think is why why why.
When you see beetle-black eyes, all you know is why why why.
When you fall again, all is why why why.
As the Force surrounds you, all you know is why why why.
And when friends greet you, all is
why
why
why?
(And you did not ever consider who, and that, you think, is more scarier than you being more fascinated by answers you never got and never really wanted to know, but needed to know because anakin, anakin, you were my brother, why.)
i saw the ending when they turned the page
i threw my money and ran away
Sometimes, when he sleeps—really sleeps—he dreams of what could have been. Sometimes, he dreams of winning the war, and living out a happy life training another padawan. Siri; wrapped in his arms and kissing him, and holding their baby girl. Sometimes, he dreams of Qui-Gon, who laughs and talks with him, and makes him feel happy.
Sometimes, he dreams of the family he never knew, and he hears a lullaby in the background.
Sometimes, he dreams of Anakin, the smiling son and loving brother.
Sometimes, he dreams he's not alone. And all his actions weren't wasted.
Sometimes, when he dreams, he saves the galaxy.
(Sometimes, when he dreams, he cries.)
is this where i am for your sake,
stuck between sleep and awake?
my mind is dreaming of things.
are you listening?
He met Bant through a song.
As a crècheling, he still missed his family. So, constantly, he would hum his song, and take comfort that he at least had that with him.
When he got a few years older, a Mon Cal girl came up to him, begging to know the actual words. Because she had nothing of her family.
So, being gracious, and so curious of this odd-shaped being, he complied.
shoo fly, don't bother me / for i belong to somebody
i feel / i feel / i feel like a morning star / i feel / i feel / i feel like a morning star
shoo fly, don't bother me / shoo fly, don't bother me / shoo fly, don't bother me / for i belong to somebody
(And every night, for years, he would sing that to her. Later, though, the song became less and less heard. Obi-Wan could hardly say it bothered him; more important things were on his mind. That's not to say, though, it was never used.
Because, when he was feeling particularly down, or had a nightmare or was injured, he, or Qui-Gon, or Anakin would start to hum, occasionally adding the words.)
your grace is wasted in your face,
your boldness stands alone among the wreck
He doesn't know when he started loving her. Maybe when they first met. Maybe when she glared at him with a muja fruit in her hand, and the mechanical light was shining down around her face. But the most definite maybe had to be when he saw her in the dying moonlight on their first real mission (because that mission to Ols did not count). She looked so real and soft and beautiful.
Slowly, he slides next to her on the stone bench. "What are you doing up to late?"
She looks at him with an odd look on her face, which he's pretty sure has nothing to do with the some-what obvious question. "I couldn't sleep."
A pause. Siri looks back at the stars. "Y'know, sometimes I really wish we could see the stars better at Coruscant."
"You can."
"What?"
"You just really have to pay attention."
She snorts. "Like you pay attention during Master Dralligs' lessons?"
He scowls. "That was not my fault." At her stare, he says, "Garen was telling this story…and, well—"
Obi-Wan breaks off laughing. "You should hear it."
"Then tell me."
And Obi-Wan does tell her, and they stay up all night. Siri laughs, and Obi-Wan laughs, and Obi-Wan doesn't ever want this to stop.
They become great friends after this. But Obi-Wan wants it to become more.
(He tries to hold her, that night in the Room of a Thousand Fountains. He tries to tell her that he loves her. He tries to memorize those blue eyes. He tries not to let her go.
But all he can do is watch Siri stagger away, and listen to the roar in his ears and the ache in his chest as he tries not to cry.
when she dies, he still realizes he never told her that he loves her.)
a world that sends you reeling, from decimated dreams.
your misery and hate will kill us all
Tattoine bores him. All there is, is sand, sand and, oh, more sand! It's driving him crazy. There's nothing to do (kata's get boring after a few days of repeating them over and over again), the twin sun's heat the planet by 08:00 (he understands, now why Ana-(vader)-kin never complained when visiting the more tropical planets—the temperatures were never like this!), and, by Force, he's going insane.
Too many times, Obi-Wan's tempted to leave this hell-hole people call a planet, take Luke with him, and go…somewhere. Maybe Alderaan. So the twins can finally know each other, instead of that ache he knows lies inside their minds. (he knew it was a bad idea separating the twins!)
But he never leaves.
Qui-Gon (his mind/conscious/insanity) always talks him out of it.
He never remembers the exact reasons.
(But, some deep part of his mind, it's mostly because he feels that he deserves this fate. After what he did to Anakin, and his part that played the catalyst in the fall of the Republic.
And well, the only way he can really hurt Vader (without making it seem too much like revenge) is by keeping the children hidden.
It's cruel. To Luke and Leia.
But…Anakin deserves what he's getting.)
my god, amazing how we got this far
it's like we're chasing all those stars
driving shiny big black cars.
You hold him tight, as Anakin sobs against you.
…fire…the smell of ash…burningburning…
Ralto stands in your mind, smirking. Outside your world, the night crashes against your senses.
You told the Council that it was a very bad idea to send yourself and Anakin there. Very bad idea. But they insisted, saying that "everything is fine, now. things have calmed down. there is no more revolution, or fighting, or anything".
Liars you snarl in your mind. Filthy, dirty, idiotic, liars.
Anakin's too young to have seen all that decimation. Too young. Seventeen year olds should never have to see when Anakin saw.
You were older when you and Qui-Gon went there. By years.
"I-it wasn't right. It w-wasn't r-right. Wh-Wh-Why'd they do it? It wasn't right."
A sense of surrealism hits you.
"I know."
(This time, you think, the padawan is actually talking about the mission.
pleaseplease let it be the mission. please.
i do know anakin. i do, i do. he told me his nightmares.
the dreams…it's the mission. not something else.
it is, it is.)