Ereshkigali: W00t! You know, this is the best bit about being South African. It's a long weekend! See, the 9th of August is National Women's Day, which is one of our public holidays. Seeing as it's on a Tuesday, the schools decided to be nice and give us Monday off as well. SO I HAVE FOUR DAYS OFF SCHOOL!
Hiro: Is she high?
Hilary: No, just happy.
Ereshkigali: Are you kidding? Of course I'm high! I'm so high I wrote a fic!
Tyson: Does it involve me and Kai making out? Taking bullets for each other? Stopping each other from tragically committing suicide? Braving the dangers of hopeless OOCness together? Dying in each other's arms after many decades of love after which we still look as hot as we did when we were kids?
Ereshkigali: Duh.
Kenny: Woohoo!
Rei: Sorry. I can't be in this. I'm drunk. Maxie and I found Hiro's secret stash of tequila last night. It was a…mind-blowing…experience.
Brooklyn: Hey! We were saving that tequila for our anniversary!
Max: Guess you'll have to find some other way of entertaining yourselves.
Kai: Well, it looks like the gang's all here. That means I can leave.
Boris: Gah! Why am I here? Where are my evil minions? How can this have happened?
Ereshkigali: It's half-past eleven, my sister's asleep, this is a oneshot, choir performances are over for the next month or so, it's weekend, I don't own Beyblade, and I'm in a let's-parody-the-living-daylights-out-of-all-the-anime-characters-in-sight mood. Let's see what happens, shall we?
THE BEGINNING
In the very long-ago times, there was a far-away country that was a strange and savage place. The air was thick with enchantment. Wise wizards wandered the wilds, and wicked witches cast evil spells on any random yet hot young person of noble lineage they happened to feel like abusing. In these lands, the grass was green, the sky was blue (except when it was grey), the clouds were white and fluffy, and everyone was based on characters from Beyblade. Ah! 'Twas indeed a terrible and marvellous land! Few ventured into it, and fewer still returned.
But lo! What noble prince do we see riding through the mists that curl back so gracefully in the morning sunlight? Yea, verily, it is Sir Kai, the master of the High and Noble Art of Being A Lonely Loser! See now he approaches on his valiant camel, his sword drawn and flashing in the glow of dawn! Ah, he is indeed in the flower of youth…as well as being blessed with a degree of hotness beyond the dreams of all perverted fangirls…
Once again, the tense of the fic changed, and Lady Hilary the Unutterably Innocent could be seen standing at the edge of the muddy road, weeping and wailing and lamenting her sad fate.
Sir Kai reined in his camel, sheathed his sword, which was getting in the way, and said, articulately, "Huh?"
"Oh, good sir! Please help me! I have lost my golden ball in a deep woodland pool, and I need someone strong and muscular to swim down and find it for me!" wept Lady Hilary the Unutterably Innocent.
"Huh!" exclaimed Sir Kai. Inwardly, he was very moved by the young damsel's fate, but, as he was stalwart and iron-hearted (and as he had yet to figure out how to make facial expressions), he did not show it.
"Does that mean yes?" wondered Lady Hilary.
"Huh," Sir Kai clarified.
"Oh…um…"
"Huh!" Sir Kai explained, rather kindly.
"He says that he'll help you if you'll give him directions to the Palace of the Sleeping Beauty," the camel told her.
"Oh! Goody! That's quite near here! I'll show you the way, good knight!" Lady Hilary enthused.
"Huh!" Sir Kai said, triumphantly, jumped down from the camel and bounded away into the woods.
"Oh, hurrah!" Lady Hilary squealed, and skipped away after him.
They soon came to a clearing in the woods, where, bathed in the green-golden light that fell through the leaves above, Sir Kai saw a small birdbath filled with water a few centimetres deep…if it could be called water. Water isn't usually green and slimy. In the middle of the…liquid…lay a small, yellow, rubber ball (specifically speaking, it was one of those really annoying ones that bored thirteen-year-olds get so obsessed with and then expect their older sisters to help them look for when they disappear behind the sofa). Sir Kai, shuddering slightly, reached out and plucked the small thing from its foul home, and handed it to Lady Hilary.
"Oh, rejoice! This is indeed a glorious day!" the young lady trilled.
"Hey! That was my job!" croaked a voice from the foot of the birdbath. A small frog hopped out from the grass, onto Lady Hilary's foot, and began climbing laboriously up the folds of her rich gown. When it reached her shoulder, it blinked its beady eyes at her, twitched an eyebrow up dashingly, and said, "Based on statistics gathered from previous studies, there is a very high chance that if you and I engage in amorous activity, the malady laid on me by the primitive forms of telekinesis locally referred to as 'witchcraft' will be lifted, and I will undergo molecular realignment and resume my previous appearance."
"Huh?" asked Lady Hilary and Sir Kai together.
"If she kisses him, he'll turn back into a prince," explained the camel, which had plopped itself down in the grass and was now deeply immersed in the latest copy of Gravitation, which it had happened to find lying around.
Lady Hilary fainted, thus squashing the frog underneath her, which had been the desired effect. She was smarter than she looked. As Sir Kai happily began kicking her to see if she was still alive, the frog managed to squirm its way out from underneath her, and said, squinting up at him, "You owe me big time for this."
"Seeing as you are an animal, I feel more comfortable talking to you," Sir Kai told him, giving Lady Hilary a final kick for good measure and allowing the fog to hop onto his hand. "Do you want to show me the way to the Sleeping Beauty's Palace?"
"I will…if you manage to arrange circumstances conducive to romantic expressions of ardour between the lady and I," the frog said, thoughtfully.
"I'm not much of a matchmaker, but alright," Sir Kai said, after spending a large amount of time dissecting this instruction into syllables small enough for him to understand. He then began staring desolately into the distance. "I will do anything, as long as I achieve my goal…as long…as I…fulfil my destiny!"
"What? What happened?" asked the Lady Hilary, sitting up.
"An evil fairy stole my true love when he was a baby and brought him up in a tall tower not far from here!" a passing blond said, grabbing Lady Hilary and Sir Kai around the neck and strangling them both quite efficiently. "Hello! My name is Maxie and I like leather underwear, mustard, large amounts of sugar and dark-haired, golden-eyed guys called Rei, not necessarily in that order and not necessarily at different times!"
"My name is Lady Hilary the Unutterably Innocent, and I like to breathe! Feel my wrath!" Lady Hilary shouted, and, grabbing him by the arm, performed a perfect shoulder throw that left the unfortunate blonde…entity…lying gasping on the ground.
"Huh," Sir Kai said, turning away. He already knew that they would both follow him like crazed groupies. It was the price one had to pay for possessing looks that were, in a word, drool-worthy. Maxie and Lady Hilary looked at each other, shrugged, and jumped up onto the camel, which pulled itself up and began plodding slowly forth through the green wood.
"Ooh! Gravitation! Me want! Me want!"
Soon the forest was ringing with Lady Hilary's joyful song, which was tastefully accompanied by Maxie's howls of pain. She did so enjoy torturing people.
"So, remind me again what we're looking for?" the frog asked as they emerged from the woods.
"A big, stone tower covered with roses," Sir Kai told him.
"What, like that one?" asked Maxie, jumping off the camel and pointing excitedly at the big, stone tower covered with roses that was looming just before them.
"Huh," Sir Kai said. His expression was as emotionless as ever, but those who knew him well would have noticed that his breathing was quicker, his determination sharper than ever before. However, as his dark and tormented past and cold exterior made it impossible for anyone to truly understand him, no one did notice, and the paragraph was wasted.
"Isn't it a little…dusty?" Lady Hilary enquired, slipping nimbly from the camel's back and wafting across the grass to join the others in staring up blankly at the tower.
"Isn't it a little…spooky?" Maxie quavered.
"Isn't it a little…random?" the frog wanted to know.
Sir Kai said, huskily, "It is the home of my true love."
They then proceeded to take the elevator to the top floor, where they waited for a while until the author had managed to formulate the rest of the plot.
AFTER INSPIRATION RETURNED
They stared at the closed door, peering through the cobwebs and old socks that were hanging from the convenient chandeliers. From behind the door came a loud, growling noise that was more than enough to frighten any sane person to death.
Fortunately, very few people in this fic are sane.
"Dragons!" squeaked Lady Hilary.
"Chainsaw murderers!" wailed Maxie.
"Obsessive choir teachers trying to force us into signing up for the next school production!" croaked the frog.
"Huh," Sir Kai scoffed, and pushed open the door.
A hideous sight met their eyes.
Empty pizza boxes lay strewn across the stone floor, along with ancient crisp packets and chocolate wrappers. Socks, boxers, shoes, gloves and marshmallows were arranged with macabre disinterest on every surface. On the muted TV's very nice seventy-two centimetre screen, various brightly-coloured images were flashing. It took Sir Kai a moment to realise that he was watching reruns of Beyblade GRevolution. He paused for a moment to admire himself on the screen as he collapsed into a teary-eyed Tyson's arms. It was, Sir Kai realised now, embarrassingly obvious that he had actually been trying to grope his younger team-mate. Characteristically, though, he steeled himself, and locked his embarrassment away deep within his walled heart. Then he took a step towards the bed.
The growling noise grew louder.
"Sleeping Beauty?" asked Sir Kai, clearing his throat. "Um…good morning?"
Sprawled on the bed, clutching a lime-green teddy bear to his rather adorable six-pack, was a very charming young man wearing a baseball cap, blue pyjama pants covered with smiling sheep, a pair of large, floppy-eared bunny slippers, and not much else. He was snoring very, very loudly.
"Hello?" Sir Kai asked again.
The young man stopped snoring, hissed, "You have to kiss me!" and began snoring again.
"Oh," Sir Kai said, once again proving his exemplary skills as a public speaker.
The young man sighed. Tossing the teddy bear aside, he cracked open an eye, and then held very still for a moment. Then he bolted upright in the bed.
"You're hot!" he exclaimed. "OK, now you definitely have to kiss me."
"Well, you are my true love, aren't you?" Sir Kai reasoned. "So, I guess it would be OK to break down the walls surrounding my heart and let you in, right? Metaphorically speaking, of course."
"You're damn right," the still-anonymous young man said. "Come on, dude! I need some action here. You try being locked up in a tower for half your adolescence."
"Aren't you supposed to have been sleeping for the past hundred years?" Sir Kai asked, still hesitant about opening his fragile heart to this complete stranger.
"Yeah. I didn't feel like it. You got a problem?" asked the young man, and, throwing his arms around Sir Kai's neck, kissed him.
Sir Kai's large, strong hands clutched at his true love's hair, then slowly wandered down to stroke his smooth, slim back. Their lips moved together, passionately, tenderly. Small gasps and grunts of pleasure and longing escaped the two embracing each other so tightly. The nameless young man's fingers stroked Sir Kai's neck gently, insistently, and then, slipping down his torso, reached up and underneath his shirt to caress his manly chest.
Then they both realised that breathing was necessary, and pulled away.
"You have morning breath," Sir Kai protested.
"So?" the young man asked, batting his eyelashes coyly. "I'm a good kisser, aren't I? My name is Tyson, Lord of the Potatoes, and I love you, Sir Kai."
"I love you too, Lord of the Potatoes," Sir Kai said. "Before now, I was afraid to love, but you, in less than a minute, showed me what it felt like to be seriously kissed. Come! Let us away to where we can be wed on the morrow!"
"Yay! I love weddings, especially when they're mine!" Tyson shouted. He was, you might have noticed, in love. "Let's go!"
So, hand-in-hand, they walked dreamily back into the elevator. The others followed, still held in thrall by Kai's hotness. Maxie was drooling rather badly. He had rather enjoyed watching that kiss.
ON THE ROAD AGAIN
Sir Kai and Tyson, Lord of the Potatoes were getting to know each other better. Sitting snuggled up on the back of the camel, they were whispering sweet nothings into each other's ears, and enjoying it thoroughly.
"No way!" Tyson was exclaiming. "I also love pink ice cream!"
"Amazing…" Sir Kai muttered, gazing enraptured at his beloved. "We have so much in common…it's like…we were made for each other…"
"Hey! Potato-Lord!" Maxie yelled. "You wouldn't happen to know a guy called Rei, would you?"
"Yeah, I do!" Tyson yelled back. "He's my next-door neighbour. He used to come over and play PS2 with me sometimes. Nice guy. Why?"
"He's my true love!" Maxie explained.
"Oh. Well, he lives in that tower over there, if you want to find him. Careful with his hair, though, 'cause I think he just got new highlights."
"Hooray!" Maxie whooped, and sped away into the distance towards the nearest tower.
"Let's wait for him here," Tyson said.
Thus it was agreed to wait until Maxie had returned with his true love. The camel stopped, lay down, whipped out its designer sunglasses, and proceeded to get itself a nice tan. Sir Kai and Tyson cuddled up together in the long grass. The frog, which had, since Tyson's arrival, taken to riding on Hilary's shoulder, said, "So, young Tyson, why were you watching your own show?"
"Hey, I'm hot, Kai's hot, Brooklyn's hot, Tala's hot…it's, like, an abundance of hot people! Plus, I'm the star! What's not to like?"
"That sounds rather vain to me," Lady Hilary sniffed.
"Absolutely," the frog agreed quickly.
However, at that moment, a sword-wielding maniac charged into sight, picked up Tyson and ran off.
Sir Kai sped after the unknown abductor, threw as many large, pointy objects as he could find conveniently lying around at him, tackled him, and sat on him.
"No one touches my fiancé!" the Good-Looking-Beyond-All-Comprehension-One growled.
"Your fiancé is currently being squashed underneath me," the abductor pointed out, calmly.
"Oh. Um…huh!" Sir Kai retorted, and got up. The abductor followed suit, revealing a rather dead-looking Tyson, who was quickly scooped up into the arms of his champion. "Who are you?" said champion growled at the attacker.
"I'm his brother, you fool!" said the man. Suddenly, everyone immediately recognised him as Hiro.
"Mom said that you shouldn't run around being all anonymous and cool, Hiro," Tyson protested, his face still pressed against Sir Kai's chest.
"Hey, I'm suffering from depression," Hiro protested. "I'm looking for my true love."
"You as well, hey?" asked the frog sympathetically.
"Urgh! The foul fiend!" Hiro squealed, and stepped on the frog.
After Sir Kai and Tyson had managed to restrain Lady Hilary and thus prevent Hiro's death, and after the frog had proved that it was fully alive and well, and after the camel had commented on the excellence of the complete lack of plot, Tyson asked, conversationally, "So who're you crushing on, big bro?"
"He's about your age," Hiro said, smiling fondly at nothing in particular. "Beautiful eyes…beautiful smile…beautiful hair…beautiful butt…um…very talented young man. He makes for good, um, conversation. Unfortunately, he has the ability to create parallel dimensions using only the power of his mind, and I haven't seen him for a while. Still, though, there're always those videos we made…"
"What's his name?" Lady Hilary asked. She did so love a nice, old-fashioned romance.
"Brooklyn," sighed Hiro. "Ah! His very name rings sweeter to my ears than any other, um, sweet thing! What I wouldn't do to be with him for just one more hour…"
"Guys, I'm home!" Maxie sang out, bounding into sight and leading a certain very yummy dark-haired blader by the hand. "Guess what? I found some eye-candy!"
"Oh. Hello, Maxie," Hiro said, glumly. "Hello, Rei."
Rei gave a nervous twitch, smiled a tight, very terrified smile, and sat down, blinking rapidly. "Hi," he whispered.
"Oh, he's shy! I do love him! Isn't he just the cutest?" Maxie asked, grinning madly. "Plus, he and his little friend were angsting over their exes together, so I brought him along, too!"
A pale, quiet youth stepped forward, pushing back a handful of fiery locks, his emerald eyes shining softly and sadly. "Hello," he started to say, despondently, before noticing Hiro. For a moment, he said nothing. Then he leapt forward, knocked Hiro to the ground, and began kissing him. Well, not exactly only kissing. Also involved was a lot of…
"Help! This wasn't supposed to be an M-rated fic!" Lady Hilary the Unutterably Innocent shrieked as boxers went flying through the air.
"Never fear!" the frog said. "I know a trick that will make it all go away!"
"What?" the lady moaned.
"Close your eyes!" the frog intoned dramatically.
"Hey!" Lady Hilary gasped, cheering up. "It worked! I can't see anything now!"
"Your loss," Maxie said. He was beginning to drool again. "Come on, Rei, we can get a better view from over here…"
"Let's go get married, shall we?" asked Tyson hastily.
"Let's," agreed Sir Kai, and, picking up his beloved, dumped him on the camel's back and rode away into the afternoon (it really was trying its hardest to look like a sunset).
"Fare thee well!" the camel sang in an operatic falsetto. "The sun'll come out this evening…"
The frog, having made the most of Lady Hilary's temporary blindness, had wasted no time planted a froggy kiss on the maiden's unsuspecting lips, and was now enjoying a full foot massage courtesy of his new true love, who was saying, "Well, why didn't you just tell me you were really a prince, Kenny?"
As Sir Kai and Tyson the Lord of Potatoes rode off, they noticed a small figure fluttering around the camel's head. It looked very much like a rather ugly butterfly.
"Er…who are you?" asked Sir Kai of the ugly butterfly.
"My name is Boris, and I am a dear little fairy!" replied the thing in a very high, very endearing little voice. "Would you believe me if I said that you'd won a scholarship to a special training school in the middle of nowhere? Free evil bitbeasts are provided for your convenience!"
"I shall smite thee! Be gone, foul brigand!" Sir Kai bellowed, and carried his true love off into eternity.
THE END
Ereshkigali: No comment.
Tala: Why are you posting this? I seriously doubt that anyone will review it.
Ereshkigali: No comment. Oh, hell, I AM high.
Tala: What were you DOING to get like this, anyway?
Bakura: She was rereading all her favourite TyKa fics to get inspiration for her next serious romance, the beginnings of which should be up within the week. I should know – I was massaging her shoulders at the time.
Ereshkigali: I do love having the most adorable creature ever animated at my beck and call. Anyway, if you survived this, please review. My next fic will be slightly more normal…hopefully. I'm also planning a serious HiroXBrooklyn oneshot! Woohoo!