Disclaimer: I do not own the Harry Potter series or Tara Gilesbie's/Gilespie's/how ever the hell you spell her last name's lovely masterpiece My Immortal.
A/N: As an HP fanfic reader, you've probably seen some really shitty writing. There are god-awful Dramione stories, slightly disgusting Fred/George-cest, and of course, the endless American transfer students and Mary-Sues. We all must admit though, that the worst of all, hands down is My Immortal. Which is why I must mock it.
My name is Ebony Darkn'ess Dementia Raven Way. As I walk into the great hall, I can feel all eyes on my beautiful waist-length dark ebony hair with purple streaks and red tips and my gorgeous icy blue eyes and my stunning scantily clad body. I could go on for pages about my makeup, clothing, and general sexiness, but I'll stop here. Being this beautiful really is a curse. I can't stand all of the stupid fucking preps that look at me all the time. I should put up my middle finger at them. Giving the finger can solve any problem you know. We should all just put up our middle fingers at global warming! Then the hole in the ozone layer will disappear and all will be dark and cold again. I love darkness!
Today is my first day as a sixth year transfer student at real Hogwarts. I got sick of Mary-Sueville. Way too many preps! I am about to get sorted. The first years behind me all are cowering in fear. You may say it's because I'm half vampire, and would love to suck all their blood, but we all know it's just cause my sexiness is making them so fucking jealous.
"Now to begin the sorting ceremony!" says an ancient man with glasses and a long white beard. I think he's the principal or something. What a prep. I listen as a dusty hat begins to sing. He should have just asked me to sing something! I'm probably way better than the hat! The song finally ends. Then I have to wait for like, ever, for all of these mini preps to sit on a stool, get the hat dumped on them, and then sit back down.
"Way, Ebony," says a female professor who is way less attractive than me.
"WTF, I think you meant Ebony Darkn'ess Dementia Raven Way. I'm a sixth year transfer student. I'm also half vampire, and if you can't tell, a goffic. So stop staring at me stupid preps!" The room goes completely silent. That'll teach them to mess with me!
"Alright then…Ebony. Can you please come up to be sorted?" I strut up to the hat seductively and goffically, sure that all of the preppy guys are staring at my ass. Are there any goffs in this school? Why is my life so fucking depressing?
Well anyway I sit on this stupid stool in front of all the preps and the professor puts the disgusting hat on my head.
"Hmmm," says the hat, much to my surprise. OMFG! Since when do hats talk? "A tough choice…not particularly brave…head's a bit empty…a half-breed…I guess that leaves…HUFFLEPUFF!" The room erupts into roaring cheers. I stand up in horror.
"WTF! I'm no preppy Hufflepuff! You were supposed to put me in Slytherin with all of the cool goffic peoples!" I scream as loud as I can. The female professor walks up to me.
"Miss Way," she whispers angrily. "Go sit at the Hufflepuff table. After the feast is over I'll take you to Professor Sprout's office. She's your head of house, and she'll deal with you." I roll my eyes and put up my middle finger at her before sitting down with a lot of unattractive students. I miss Mary-Sueville. Hogwarts is fucking lame! I inexplicably start crying tears of blood, and attempt to slit my wrists with a spoon. WTF? It isn't working. Satan must hate me. That must be why I'm so sexy and beautiful, because he likes watching me suffer.
What do you think? I plan on putting each chapter from a different character's perspective…you know Harry/Ron/Hermione/Draco/etc. Please review!