Title: The best laid plans
Fandom: Torchwood
Spoilers: Day 4 of Children of Earth, Fix-it fic
Rating: T for language, and implied sexual situations
Word count: Approx 800.
Notes: Written for Livejournal comms ninja_teaboy and torchwoodcoffee 'Teaboy challenge'
(spoilers for CoE). Unbetaed, and written quickly.
Summary: Ianto Jones always comes up with the best plans.
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"With respect, Sir," said Ianto Jones, meaning as all good civil servants did, 'without respect'. "Are you out of your fucking mind?"
Jack and Gwen stared at him open mouthed. Rhys being slightly more sensible than the pair of them put together, decided to retreat to a discreet distance. That is, one close enough to hear what was going on, but not so close as to look like he was eavesdropping.
"Ianto," said Gwen, "It's a good plan, yeah?"
"No Gwen," said Ianto, "It is not a good plan. We go to confront the 456. An alien that let me remind you has already shown itself capable of mind control and an extensive knowledge of viruses. And you want us to go in there with only our handguns? No hazmat suits, not even a big motherfucking gun so that we could at least blast the alien to bits if it doesn't leave peacefully. Seriously Jack, this is the worst idea you've had since that one about using baked beans instead of lube."
"I thought it was a good idea," said Jack, defensively.
"That's because you're not the one who was shitting tomato ketchup for days afterwards. And if you're referring to your plan of waltzing into Thames House practically unarmed, well all I can say is that I'm not stupid, I'm not expendable, and I'm bloody well not going."
"But Ianto," said Jack.
"Don't you 'but Ianto' me," said Ianto. "Look, it's quite simple. You go and stand up to the 456. You're a big boy; you can do it on your own. And if the worst comes to the worst, well we'll pick up your body later. Gwen, you and Clem can stay here and wait for the phone signal to be traced here. If you're lucky they might not shoot you first. Rhys can take the backups of all the recordings to a safe location."
"And what are you going to be doing while we're putting our lives on the line?" snapped Gwen.
"I am going to hide somewhere nearby and with the help of the Torchwood archives, try and figure out a way to kill those bloody aliens once and for all. Just in case they aren't sufficiently intimidated by Jack." He turned to Jack, "Don't worry Jack, I know you can be Ivery/I intimidating when you want to. But these aliens breathe poisonous gas and can control millions of people at one time. I hardly think that one man, no matter how big his cock, sorry, I mean coat is, is going to be able to scare them off. Now if that's all, I believe we all have work to do."
An few hours later, Jack lay dying in Thames House while Clem screamed in Gwen's arms.
Ianto meanwhile hacked into the signal broadcast by the 456 as it tried to destroy Clem. He backtracked along the route and amplified the signal; thanking Tosh silently for all the lessons she'd taught him. The resulting feedback loop sent the ambassador into a frenzy and it battered at the walls of its tank but to no avail. The last sound Jack heard before he died was that of the creature exploding in a shower of blood.
By the time Jack woke up in the makeshift morgue, the Government had moved swiftly to declare that the whole incident had been a giant misunderstanding involving chemicals in the water supply and that the people responsible were being suitably dealt with. No mention was ever made of inoculations.
They returned to Cardiff a few days later, with guarantees from the Government of whatever funding was necessary to rebuild the Hub once more. It was amazing how generous politicians could be when faced with the threat of certain recordings being released. They even managed to find Clem a suitable home in top of the line sheltered accommodation.
Jack and Ianto spent their first night back in Cardiff in the honeymoon suite of one of its finest hotels. Ianto had insisted on it as part of the Government settlement. After all, as he pointed out to Jack, they had destroyed Jack's living quarters, and it was their duty to provide alternative accommodations at least until the Hub was rebuilt.
Ianto spent half of the evening drawing up a long list of items, which the Government was going to have to replace for them. Top of the list was 'big motherfucking guns', and lots of them.
The rest of the night was spent fucking Jack through the mattress, and Ianto carefully added 'lube and condoms' to his list. His only regret was that his stash of alien sex toys was not something he could get the Government to replace. But then, the Rift was sure to provide something fun. All they had to do was wait a while.
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The End