"Whatever you do in life will be insignificant. But it's very important that you do it" Mahatma Gandhi
Prologue
"Hotch I can't do this" a frustrated voice exclaims, it's at the end of the day and dusk is approaching. The two men sit facing one another, the man in the suit is pleading while the man in the cardigan is adamant.
"Calm down, think about this please" Hotch says, struggling to keep his voice steady. The last case has been hard on all of them and reports are just finished being written up. His office looks unusually cheerful and cosy, the wrong setting for the distressing scene taking place.
"I… I… no… No I can't do this, it's…" he faulters,
"We don't have any other agents fit for the job" Hotch says, he looks at Spencer, imploring… no pleading for him to stay. Reid stands shakily,
"I'm not up for this, this isn't what I signed up for Sir" he says, Hotch stands up and looks at him.
"This won't work w-"
"No Sir" he sighs "I liked this job, really I did but, this… I'm sorry Hotch. I didn't sign up for this and it's too soon." He walks towards the door.
"Please think over this tonight" Hotch says.
"I'm sorry, I've given you the files" he leaves the room, Hotch follows.
"Reid I need you to think about this" he calls, walking after him but the young genius is fast. He's trying to rationalise this, fighting the urge to pinch himself to make sure this isn't an all too real nightmare. He doesn't see how reality can make this feasible. A small voice at the back of his head reminds him that the team are watching this, that their eyes glued to the mini drama unfolding.
"I've told you Hotch, I won't do it" Reid makes his way to his desk and picks up his shoulder bag and other possessions.
"Reid, what's going on man?" Morgan asks. Reid glances at Morgan before throwing the contents of his desk into his satchel. Ignoring team members hasn't been outside Reid's newly adopted characteristics in the past week.
"Please reconsider Reid, just take an extended vacation" Hotch is standing next to him, he turns to face him, growing nervous at the audience.
"A vacation won't work, I can't get him out of my head and it's driving me crazy" his voice is uncharacteristically emotional, his face is going red and he wants to leave before he embarrasses himself in front of everyone, "I need to get away from this place, now, Sir" Hotch stands for a few minutes, unsure of what to say and knowing that nothing can console the angry and troubled young man before him.
"Are you certain, Reid?" he asks. Reid nods and picks up his stuff.
"I quit, I've handed in the papers and I've thought this through, I resign" he says and walks towards the exit, leaving Prentiss, JJ and Garcia shocked.
"Reid, what the hell?" Morgan calls and Reid know's he's catching up with him.
"There's nothing to say, just leave me alone" Reid said tiredly and opens the door towards the lifts, his ears aren't oblivious to Garcia, JJ and Prentiss's protests.
"Sir you can't just let him leave?" he hears JJ almost shout.
"You have to stop him, you can't get rid of my Junior G-man" Garcia wails.
"He isn't thinking straight, just give him a few days" Prentiss says as calmly as she can manage.
"He's an adult he can do what he wants" Hotch says as calm as usual. Reid gets into the lift and looks at Morgan's hurt, confused face, he finds he really can't care less. He presses the down button on the lift and takes one last look at the BAU, his former home.
When he gets to the car park he places his things in his car: his overnight bag, his satchel and the things that couldn't fit in it, like the picture of the team at Christmas, the books he'd brought from home. A black little tube rolls out of his bag and he smiles fondly at it before cramming it back in. He'd been meaning to read more on physics magic. When he's done he sits in the cold vehicle, staring ahead of himself. He can't bring himself to turn the ignition, or for that matter form any thought to do with leaving, turning the keys will make the scene before him scarily real. So he sits, completely numb. The only sound in the car is his breathing, in and out, in and out.
Without warning he opens his car door and steps out, locking it behind him. He walks to the exit of the car park and goes to the outside of the building, staring at it. He remembers how happy, nervous he was when he first joined, how he felt it to be a home. Now he feels alone and scared, treading in the dangerous waters of the outside world. He knows he can get employment anywhere he chooses, but he's still fearful. He leans against the wall of the building and feels his head come in contact with the rough surface. What does he do now?
He watches his breath escape into the air and dance in the atmosphere, it's cold - freezing - but he doesn't make any attempt to warm himself. Lately, he's found it hard to care about anything, his job, his co-workers. He knows he's being insensitive but it isn't as if he could help it, its like a different person from Dr Spencer Reid has taken over. He fills his lungs with more cold air and breathes it out slowly, like you would with a cigarette. This unexpected apathy is what's driving him mad, not Tobias or Charles or Raphael. Sometimes he has to roll up his sleeve to make sure he hasn't, somehow, in his sleep perhaps, gotten hold of dilauded. Not that he feels good or anything, more that he feels nothing. He wonders if he punches his fist through his car window if it would hurt.
He doesn't raise his head when he hears footsteps coming towards him, they're late anyway, but only by ten minutes or so. He turns his head slightly, although he can't see the person in the light, "You've passed, well done" they say, and they sound like they mean it. "You know where to go and what to do from here?" they ask and Reid doubts they would fill him in if he didn't.
"Yes" Reid says, he feels like a school boy.
"You cannot let us down" they say. He thinks about replying to this but finds he doesn't have the energy. He has to leave before the others arrive and question him anyway. The person walks away, and after a few more breaths of air Reid goes back to his car and starts the ignition. He rubs his eyes before driving out of the parking space. As he turns away from the BAU towards that diner on Richmond Street he feels stabs of regret, of sadness trickle through him. It travels down his nerves and puts him on edge. It's the first emotion he's properly felt in days. But he's tired of constantly being scared.
Hotch sits at his desk, writing out reports, his mind is elsewhere. He managed to disentangle himself from the team and their questions and accusing eyes. He knows Garcia will try and stop the resignation from going through, and that Prentiss will use all her contacts to try and find him. He thinks about Reid, the kid is beyond reason. He puts his pen down and shuts his eyes, since Hailey left he's been working later and later. He's noticed Reid's behaviour change over the past few weeks, he's becoming more withdrawn, and snappier but not just at Prentiss this time. It was like the few weeks after the Hankle case, but that had been months ago and Hotch had made sure that Reid was better. He had been sure that Reid was clean but somehow Doubt, as he promises, creeps into Hotch's mind until he's unsure whether Reid really is okay or not. He sighs, it doesn't matter now. He's really just waiting for the office to clear so he can go home, he isn't in the mood for paperwork. But he doesn't like returning to an empty house either, he'd rather return to an angry Haley than an empty house. His thoughts make him feel tired and old.
But Reid is the last straw. He is a valued member of the team and Hotch never thought they had made him feel otherwise. Of course it doesn't matter now, he's gone. He wishes he'd checked if he was alright or not, or gotten Morgan to do it, or even Prentiss or JJ seeing as they were a lot closer now. But Reid hasn't been letting anyone in these days, instead retreating into himself, in fact, Hotch doubts whether or not Gideon could fix this even if he was still here. He sighs again and sees that the office is clear, but decides he doesn't want to go home yet. Hotch goes and gets himself another cup of coffee then heads back to his office to play chess on the computer. The computer, somehow, always wins. He knows he's being stupid, that he should be getting ready for tomorrow when David Rossi, his old mentor, starts working with them, but, he decides, he needs a break.
This is just a random idea that floated into my head that Please_Insert_Name challeneged me to write as a story. I'm not sure what to make of it so please tell me if I should continue. Hope you enjoy and please read and review.
DISCLAIMER: I don't own Criminal Minds, sigh.