A/N: Hey folks! I decided to try to do this parody on Twilight. Now, if you are a major fan and don't appreciate Edward bashing, I suggest that you just leave this fic alone. I don't have anything against the series; I am a fan myself. Still, it's always bothered me how protective Edward is of Bella, and thus this fic was born.
Enjoy!
Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight. Stephanie Meyer is the rightful owner.
"Bella, my love!" Edward Cullen exclaims as he skips into the Swans' kitchen. He smiles as he walks towards her. Her brown eyes sparkle like shining diamonds, and the smile upon her pure face makes the vampire want to faint with affection. He savored every moment that they spent together. What would his life be without her? No, the thought was too agonizing for him to handle.
"Hey, Edward," his lovely Bella replies as he kissed her on the cheek. "I'm just finishing up making salad for dinner; I'll be just a minute."
Edward freezes in place. There in his love's slender hand was a sharp kitchen knife. How could he have not seen it until now?!
"Oh my gosh!" the vampire shrieks. Bella jumps up in fright.
"What's wrong?"
"Okay, okay, there is no need to panic," Edward hyperventilates. He swiftly grabs the knife from her hand and throws it out the window. The glass breaks and scatters on the kitchen floor, and the knife safely lands on the front lawn.
"EDWARD!!" Bella yells at him. She slaps him on the arm. "What in God's name is wrong with you?"
"Bella, you had a deadly weapon in your hand! What if you had cut yourself? You could have bled to death!!" His left eye twitches, and his hands shake like crazy. How could Charlie allow such objects to be in his house?!? He needed to have a chat with him later on.
Bella rolls her eyes in annoyance. "I'm perfectly capable of handling a kitchen knife. Don't be so dramatic." She dumps the vegetables into a bowl and puts it in the fridge.
She then begins to clean up the mess, but Edward protests.
"No, my dear! You can't take the risk; I'll clean it up for you."
Bella sighs but allows her boyfriend to clear the mess. As soon as he's finished, she says,
"Come on, let's go for a walk." She needs to get some air.
"Good idea!" he yells. The sooner they escape from the deadly kitchen, the better.
They soon find themselves in the forest happily chatting when all of a sudden…
"Cool, check out that snake!"
Edward's eyes widen, and his head swerves around crazily. "Where?!"
Bella points to a rock just a few feet away. A tiny, green garden snake is resting upon it completely unaware of the couple.
"Isn't it cute?" she squeals with joy. Before Edward could stop her, she walks over to it and bends down to examine it closer.
"BELLA!!" Edward bellows at the tops of his lungs. A few crows scatter from the loud noise. The snake lazily lifts its head and opens its eyes.
Edward runs over to Bella and grounds his fist to the snake. In a blink of an eye, the snake is torn apart along with the rock.
Bella glares at Edward. "What did you do that for?!?!"
Edward fondly gazes at her. "Bella, did you see the evil look of that snake? It was getting ready to strike you. If I didn't destroy it, you, you…" He fails to complete the sentence and just shivers to himself. Bella stares at him. What was wrong with the vampire today?
"Edward, it was just a harmless garden snake," she calmly tells him, "They're not even poisonous."
"So?!?! It could have been an unknown species. It could have been one of Lord Voldemort's minions! Don't you remember anything from Harry Potter?! He communicates with snakes, and that could have been one of his spies watching out for Muggles to destroy!!" he screams to her in a shrilly voice. "He could have been observing you and plotting your death!!"
"Edward, Harry Potter is fiction…"
"How do you know?!" he shrills. "People don't think vampires exist, but here I am!"
Maybe lending him my Harry Potter books wasn't such a good idea Bella wearily thinks to herself as she watches Edward rock back and forth on the ground muttering about Dark Wizards.
After a quick moment of thinking, Bella suggests, "Let's go back to the house, and… whew!" Before she can even finish her sentence, Edward picks her up and runs quickly back to her house in a matter of seconds.
"We're here!" he happily announces. His eyes intensely search around for any potential signs of danger.
They walk inside of the house, and to his relief, Bella leads them to her room. He sighs as they settle down. At last, they are in a safe place.
Just as Bella closes the door, a ping comes from her computer. Edward springs up and roars, "IT"S A BOMB!!! DON'T WORRY BELLA! I'LL GET RID OF THE DEVICE!!"
He picks up the computer tearing its cord from the plug and chunks it out the window. A loud crash is soon heard followed by a man's loud voice, "Be quiet you kids! Always partying all day and not caring about your neighbors. What's wrong with today's youth?!"
Edward grins in triumph. "The bomb is taken care of Bella. Bella?" He turns around and worriedly looks at her. "Bella, are you alright?!"
Bella's face is stony, and her eyes narrow at Edward. "Edward," she whispers in a deadly tone, "that wasn't a bomb." She marches up to him and gives him a cold look.
"IT WAS MY COMPUTER!! IT MAKES THAT NOISE WHENEVER I GET AN E-MAIL!!"
Edward stupidly blinks. "Oh, I see." A smile suddenly appears on his face. "Don't worry my love, I'll purchase you a new computer. And I'll make sure that it's safe for you."
"I don't want a computer from you," the girl quietly replies. "What I do want from you is…"
"Yes, my precious?" He grabs her hands and looks deeply into her precious eyes. "I'll do anything for you my love. Anything."
"GET OUT OF MY HOUSE AND DON"T COME BACK UNTIL YOU STOP THIS STUPID BEHAVIOR!!"
She opens the door and points a threatening finger towards the hallway.
"But, Bella, what if something else threatens you?" Edward desperately asks. He collapses on his knees and crawls towards her. "I need to be here to protect you."
She remains silent.
"Bella, don't do this!" The vampire begins to cry. When he receives no reply, he gets up.
"Alright, I'll leave," he miserably says. His heart feels like breaking. Why couldn't she understand how much he wanted to protect her? He was only doing it out of love.
He moodily walks out of her room, but before heading downstairs, he tosses her a small can. "Here, keep this just in case of intruders. Farewell Bella; may fate protect danger you from harm's way." Before she can respond, he speeds down the stairs and is out of the house.
Bella looks curiously at the can, and her brown eyes widen in shock.
"EDWARD!!"
She throws down the cylinder of pepper spray and slams the door to her room. She seriously needs a break from him.
A/N: Well, I hope you enjoyed the oneshot! Please leave a review on your way out. Take care folks!