A/N: First things first, Gnothi Seauton means "know thyself" in ancient Greek. I hope my reasons for naming this fic thus, become obvious as you read on.
Disclaimer: I own nothing that you recognize (this includes the italicized song lyrics, the titles/artists of which are listed at the end) and do not seek to make any profit from this work.
Somehow I can't believe that anything should happen, I know where I belong and nothing's gonna happen. Yeah, Yeah. Cause she's so high, high above me, she's so lovely. She's so high like Cleopatra, Joan of Arc, or Aphrodite. She's so high, high above me.
Stefan daydreams about the curve of Katherine's neck and the bright smile she bestows upon him when their eyes meet. He fills his journal with descriptions of curls, crinoline dresses, and clever words. He wakes in the night panting and sticky with her laugh resounding in his head.
Baby, can't you see? I'm calling, a guy like you should wear a warning. It's dangerous, I'm falling. There's no escape, I can't wait, I need a hit, baby, give me it. You're dangerous, I'm loving it.
Men exist to be bent to Katherine's whim. The Salvatore brothers are no exception. Katherine steals Stefan's first kiss, then ignores him the next day in favor of a picnic with Damon. At dinner though, she asks Stefan if he'll read the Greek classics to her and as he agrees, Damon is left wondering what he did wrong.
The day before Damon must return to the battlefield, Katherine brings him to her bed and screws his body as easily as she screws with his mind. In the days following, she lets Stefan teach her chess; he actually succeeds in making the dull game entertaining. They take breakfast on the veranda; go riding in the afternoon light, exchange kisses behind shady trees. He reads to her every night, his hand running through her hair as she curls up next to him. When Damon returns, she delights in letting him show her how much he missed her. But it is Stefan she takes as an escort to the Founder's Ball.
At the end of the party, Katherine wonders if she's losing control; why did Stefan's kiss spark against her lips and why did his words make her turn Damon away? Days later, when thoughts of her previous life unexpectedly break through the barriers she has erected against them, it is Stefan she runs to for comfort. She silences his concerned questions with kisses and as she presses him into the bed sheets, she admits to herself that Stefan Salvatore is the exception in her game of hearts.
Taste me, drink my soul, show me all the things that I shouldn't know, when there's a new moon on the rise. I had everything, opportunities for eternity, and I could belong to the night.
Stefan's head is spinning. He's always done whatever others asked of him which led to people declaring him gentle-hearted and truly good. He doesn't feel "truly good" when his lover sneaks up behind him and bites him. The feel of her fangs in his neck leaves him hard, wracked with want. Nor does Stefan feel very "gentle" when he makes love to Katherine on his desk, his mouth and nails trying (failing) desperately to leave some mark on her for Damon to find. When they lay together in his bed, skin to skin, and she's lapping at his still bleeding wounds, he wonders if all words have lost their meaning.
Did I disappoint you or let you down? Should I be feeling guilty or let the judges frown? Cause I saw the end, before we begun. Yes, I saw you were blinded and I knew I had won. So I took what's mine by eternal right, took your soul out into the night. It may be over, but it won't stop there. I am here for you if you'd only care (…) Goodbye my lover.
She has to flee; she can't stay and let her past catch up to her. But as she runs, she leaves her heart behind with a corpse in the woods.
In the night, I hear 'em talk, the coldest story ever told. Somewhere far along this road, he lost his soul to a woman so heartless. How could you be so heartless? How could you be so heartless?
As the first days pass, once lost memories return to Stefan; bringing his lips to soft flesh cut open by a knife, Katherine's blood filling his mouth as her hands smooth his hair, and her voice whispers nonsense in his ear.
There are things, I have done. There's a place, I have gone. There's a beast and I let it run. Now it's running my way. There are things, I regret. You can't forgive, you can't forget. There's a gift that you sent. You sent it my way.
Stefan dams up the guilt until he cracks upon waking next to yet another girl he hadn't meant to kill and Emily's words hit him like a bullet. This existence is a curse.
For those days that felt like a mistake, those times when love's what you hate. Somehow, we keep marching on. For those nights that I couldn't be there, I've made it harder to know that you know that somehow we'll keep moving on.
Sometimes Stefan doesn't know whether he'll end the day with a sip of human blood or a stake to the heart. He aches to have Katherine by his side but doesn't know whether it's because he wants to wring her neck (little good it would do) or because he wants to trace his mouth across her skin.
Man, I'm getting older. I took all your pictures off the wall and wrapped them in a newspaper blanket. I haven't slept in what seems like a century and now I can barely breathe.
Stefan watches as Damon attempts to set the world on fire. He can't stop him, though he occasionally tries. Each failure is a reminder of his shortcomings. It's his fault Katherine got killed. It's his fault he wasn't strong enough to resist the blood. It's his fault his brother is a monster.
Here we are in the darkest place. To keep from forgetting, I picture your face. And I wonder, while we count the cost, which is sweeter, love or its loss. So I curse you, my vampire heart, for letting me love you (love you), for letting me love you from the start.
Katherine stalks the streets of New York, looking for a man suitable enough to keep her entertained for the night. She does a double take of a golden-haired boy, but no, it's not her Stefan. The thought of him makes her follow the boy. She pretends he is Stefan as she kills him. Katherine accepted their love, but without him there, it just sits stagnant within her, choking her. She wants to tear it out of her system, but she's slowly learning that no matter how many times she kills him, he never goes away.
You put me on a line and hung me out to dry and darling that's when I decided to go see you. You cut me down to size and opened up my eyes, made me realize what I could not see.
It takes Stefan decades to give in to the notion that the fog of love that hangs around him is nothing but the remnants of a dead girl's trickery
An angel's smile, is what you sell. You promised me heaven, you put me through hell. Chains of love got a hold on me, when passion's a prison, you can't break free.
Once Stefan accepts this notion as fact, he never looks back. All his memories of Katherine burn and crumble into ash.
If you could only see the beast you've made of me, I held it in, but it now seems you've set it running free. The saints can't help me now, the ropes have been unbound, I hunt for you with bloodied feet across the hallow'ed ground.
He occasionally ponders what life would have been like had Katherine survived the summer of 1864. Would they have traveled the world together, leaving a trail of bodies in their wake? Or would she have played with him as a favored toy until she smashed him all to pieces and found herself in need of a new one.
So I guess I'm not a total loss and a little stronger now. You will never know how much it costs to get away with life so loud. And maybe I'm just tired of losing blood over you now. Now it's getting late and you know we're out of time. It was my mistake.
When Lexi starts quoting Star Wars lines about anger, hate, and suffering at him, Stefan realizes that Katherine is still consuming his soul (if he has one to be consumed that is). He'd moved beyond the bloody, hungry thing she'd wanted him to be, but he'd become a shadow of himself. Lexi was right, hating Katherine for her lies and cruelty only tears him apart.
And all I've got are these two hands to make myself a better man. I wonder if I'll ever see the end of this, with all this rain, it just keeps fallin' on my head and now I'm callin' out someone else to help me make it through (…) So we're moving on and we've got nothing to prove to anyone cause we'll get through.
He rebuilds himself. Or tries to anyway. It starts with leaving Damon behind, disappearing again, but this time with no note or phone call, and no intentions of returning. Damon's the one who usually darts in and out of his existence without a word, alternating between spiteful and brotherly. Disrupting their century's old pattern feels like freedom until Stefan realizes that without love to miss and hate for fuel, he feels deader than ever before. Either God or the Devil knows this because a visit home turns into a frenzied rescue. His damsel in distress becomes his nightmare reborn. But Elena is not Katherine. He knows what they have is real and true when he feels whole for the first time since he uttered the words, "you must be Ms. Pierce".
I used to be love drunk, but now I'm hung-over. I love you forever, forever is over. We used to kiss all night, now it's just a bar fight, so don't call me crying, say hello then goodbye.
Finding out Katherine isn't dead, but has been locked in a tomb since 1864 makes Stefan feel something pleasantly sharp deep down in his gut; he strives for indifference, he can't let Damon see his satisfaction at her unending torture.
Finding out Katherine has been flitting around the globe all this time gives Stefan the confirmation of what he's known for years. She doesn't care, she never cared. Part of him wants to hunt her down and thrash some answers out of her. But he can't let it show.
Now that she's standing in front of him in Elena's living room, he realizes he can't feign indifference anymore.
I broke your jaw once before, I spilled your blood upon the floor, you broke my leg in return. So sit back and watch the bed burn. Love sticks, sweat drips, break the lock if it don't fit. A kick to the teeth is good for some, a kiss with a fist is better than none.
She teases him, dislocates his arm, teases him some more, stabs him, and misses him so much more now that he's right in front of her. She runs to Damon for distraction, but he wants love and she has none to give him.
Now oh so easily, you're over me. Gone is love, it's you that ought to be holding me. I'm containable, this time love is not sustainable.
Katherine knows that 145 years is a long time to stay in love with someone. But if she did it, and Damon did it, what makes Stefan so damned different?
Once I ran to you (I ran). Now I run from you. This tainted love you've given, I gave you all a boy could give you, take my tears and that's not nearly all. Oh, tainted love, tainted love.
Stefan is lost. He's lived so much of his life knowing that their love was a charade, but now with the truth in hand, his hate is slipping away. After all, it turns out there was nothing to hate but himself. How could he have loved her? He must have known she killed people (did he? He can't recall things properly anymore, everything's blurred from decades of misremembering), he knew she was sleeping with his brother, knew he was betraying his father and his town to stand by her side.
Now he's coming apart at the seams. Elena is his only constant; when he's with her, he feels sane and grounded. His love for Elena heals him; her love gives him levity, warmth, and a desire to do good. She makes him trust himself and the world again.
His love for Katherine had twisted him; it burned hot and fast, then shattered like lightning on glass and all that's left now is the bittersweet shards.
You know that I want you and you know that I need you. I want it bad, bad romance. I want your love, and I want your revenge, you and me could write a bad romance. I want your love and all you love is revenge, you and me could write a bad romance.
Katherine bites Stefan (she can still sneak up on him and he still can't stop her). She remembers how things once were; his blood coating her throat, his moans, his body twisting beneath her, inside her. She wants to know the new score. His blood tastes different, more like hers but with a bitter edge that brings to mind decomposing leaves. But, God, the feel of him…she doesn't know how he will react. This new Stefan's so much less predictable. He leans against the desk as she drinks, gripping the edges of it with white-knuckled hands. Suddenly he breaks, shoves her against the wall, he's breathing hard, glaring, and just when she's certain that he's about to kiss her, he walks away.
Everybody's showing everybody up, it's a competition, me and you. I stood outside your doorway, watching you ignore me, I still think that your games are cute. I just don't understand why my love isn't good enough. I just don't understand why my love isn't good enough. I want you to show me love and affection, love and affection, easing the tension, with love, love and affection.
Katherine takes to imagining Elena's death in different fashions. Her new favorite is where Elena mysteriously disappears and Stefan is left frantic with worry for days before finding her rotting body in his bed. Katherine knows she's letting jealousy get to her (she doesn't do jealous), she's waited a century and a half, she should be able to wait until Elena's nothing more than bones and photographs. Stefan will surely be hers then. But she wants to be chosen as he was; she wants to be first in his heart. She knows he still loves her; she just has to make him see it.
The songs in order of appearance are as follows: She's So High (Tal Bachman), Toxic (Glee version), Make Me Wanna Die (The Pretty Reckless), Goodbye My Lover (James Blunt), Heartless (Kanye West), This Night (Black Lab), Marching On (OneRepublic), The Crow and the Butterfly (Shinedown), My Vampire Heart (Tom McRae), Swallowed in the Sea (Coldplay), You Give Love a Bad Name (Bon Jovi), Howl (Florence and the Machine), Been There Done That (Hedley), Moving On (Good Charlotte), Love Drunk (Boys Like Girls), Kiss with a Fist (Florence and the Machine), Shut Up and Let Me Go (The Ting Tings), Tainted Love (Marilyn Manson version), Bad Romance (Lady Gaga), and Love and Affection (Neon Trees).
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