2 Parents, 2 Babies, 3 People.
Dear Dairy,
I know I should leave, Daisy insists that she loves me too much to let me go I try warning her that raising two children shouldn't be her burden to bare, not alone Caroline having a playmate instead of a father. The circumstances are not good. I should leave.
Yet, when I wake up in the night, get dresses, take out that large brown envelope - that I always keep stored in my sock drawer, just like momma used to store me when I was a child – and place it on top of the dresser, I just can't face leaving her. I think I've tried so many times, that it's now become a daily routine, to get ready to leave. Go forever, somewhere far, whilst I'm still (looking) in my 40's.I'm nearly the same age as I look now, just a few years younger.
This particular night, I dreamt of the day me and Daisy met. It was a warm summer day, and Daisy came to the home to visit her Grandma. She was dancing, always dancing in the middle of the field; I was still in my wheelchair back then. The dream was fuzzy, All I seemed to remember was when Daisy mentioned I was special, different and unique, although she never meant it hurtful, I could see in her eyes, they glistened under the candle light, staring straight into my eyes, not my face, not my wrinkles or my short height, but my eyes. I knew then, that I and Daisy were going to have a relationship, whether that was just friendship or something bigger, I didn't know. But I would always remember her bright blue curious eyes.
So, as
routines go, I woke from my dream and got dressed, trying to bring
myself to leave. I took out my savings, and placed them on top of the
dresser, and then Caroline moved. It was a subtle movement and made
barely a noise, but she was just loud enough for me to hear, I walked
over to where she lay in her white, wooden cot filled with blankets
my pillow, she always loved to sleep on my pillow. I walked over, and
stared. She was just the right size for her age, no wrinkles, no
arthritis, no nothing, she was perfect, a perfect baby girl.
Everything I hoped me and daisy could have together, everything I
dreamed about, everything I wished for on my birthday… she was
everything to me, yet, I was going to leave her. I felt my eyes start
to tingle, this was strange to me, I barely cried anymore, not after
Momma died. I reached inside and when my hand was only 2 centimeters
away,
'Planning to leave us again?' I jumped, and quickly
snatched back my hand as if it was going to make a criminal offence,
'Oh Daisy, you know it's just not right. You can't work,
mother and babysit me all of the time.'
'Benjamin, sweet, sweet, Benjamin, I love you. Caroline loves you; you will always, always have a place here. You're not leaving us in a sorrow of your own self pity. I swore to you that I wouldn't humiliate myself and drown myself in my own sorrow ever again, now you do the same for me please. Benjamin, you just can't leave.' We stared into each other's eyes for a while, and for a second, her face warped around those bright blue eyes, and turned back into the 6 year old I once knew. How could I abandon my family? How could I even think it?
I clambered back into bed after getting changed and whispered:
'Sorry, I will never, let myself drown in self pity like that again. Never.' She rolled over to look at me and said one simple answer before going back to sleep,
'Goodnight
Benjamin.'
'Goodnight Daisy.'