Unfulfilled Scream

Levi's heart stopped when Isabel had died. In his mind, he still heard her calling for him, believing in her last moments that he could still save her. He could still see her blood streaked across the Titan's face. Levi was haunted by Farlan's smile and his salute to him before he was consumed. He seemed accepting of his death. Levi had come too late to save his two best friends, the ones who had stuck by him since their adolescent days. They were all each other had, and Levi was left, alone. He remembered the rage that coursed through him after their deaths. Of how he had slashed through the Titan's arm in a desperate effort to save his only surviving friend, but it was too late. Farlan was dead.

Levi felt nothing but despair those first moments. His entire squad had been wiped out. Even the squad leader had died. As the Titans stumbled toward him, Levi had considered dying as well. He should have died. But he didn't. Somehow Levi had found the strength – or perhaps the stupidity to live. He didn't remember killing the Titans at all. Levi only remembered feeling blinding rage, and then blacking out. When he came to, five bodies of Titans surrounded him. Levi's face was streaked with blood, and his blades were cleansed of the blood that had coated them from the rain. He watched as the sky continued to cry, making the rivers of blood from the death that had taken away so many soldiers disappear. Levi wasn't even certain if he had cried or not. His face was wet, but his limbs were too frozen stiff to check to see if indeed tears were rolling down his face.

Levi remembered when he had confronted Erwin, and screaming at him. He blamed him for their deaths. Isabel and Farlan had died because of him. Erwin had been quiet as Levi had screamed at him, only stating that perhaps if Levi had allowed his two friends to come with him, they would still be alive. His words were like a punch in the gut. Levi had stood there, stunned and later broken, as Erwin continued to speak. "I would be sending you to the Military Police because you attempted to kill me. However, we need you, Levi. We need your skills. I have no idea where you learned to use the 3D Maneuver Gear so effortlessly, but I do not care about that. All I care about is that you use it well to advance humanity's success against the Titans. I know who you are, Levi, more than you think. I know that you cared very deeply about your friends…so use their deaths as a catalyst to delay as much death and carnage as possible. You are...humanity's only hope now."

Everyone had proclaimed him as a hero for killing five Titans. They thought he was amazing for surviving when everyone else on his squad did not. Levi knew the truth. He burned inside whenever he saw the Survey Corps members greeting him like an old friend or shouted that he was Humanity's Strongest. What an apt name for someone who couldn't fucking save his two friends. Levi never voiced his thoughts though. He allowed the fools to believe what they believed in. Whatever they believed in, Levi knew it was a lie. Somehow that stupid nickname given to him by the Survey Corps spread along with the false hope.

He had become a Squad Leader in less than a year, known for his ruthlessness and high solo kills. People didn't understand the reason why he took on so many Titans by himself was to protect the lives of his comrades. So many died though. No matter what he did, they died. Erwin always told him that their deaths wasn't his fault, but Levi carried the guilt and the burden with him. After all, didn't Erwin say that Isabel's and Farlan's deaths had been unnecessary? Their faces still haunted him, especially at night when he couldn't sleep or when he was plagued by nightmares from memories of long ago. Even after the five years after their deaths, Levi still felt responsible for the deaths that had refused to cease to plague him.

When his squad had died, Levi had felt he was back in the past. He could see Eld's half-eaten torso, and Oluo's blood soaking into the ground. Gunter, hanging only by a single cord from his 3D Maneuver Gear. And Petra…slammed against the tree, her body an inhuman angle and blood across his face, her eyes blank. When Levi's squad had died, he thought of the last time had felt so numb. He flashbacked to the night five years ago, and felt physically sick at the memory. His dull eyes had focused on Petra, betraying nothing of how devastated he felt. He had failed. Again. Levi remembered thinking the same thought as he did when Farlan made his goodbye. Everyone is going to end up dead… The choice I made back then…was wrong.

He had made the wrong damn choice, just like last time. Levi had no time to grieve for their deaths. There was no time. How wanted to kill the Female Titan. How he wanted to carve the human out of the Titan's body and beat her senseless, and make her death as painful as possible. He had wanted to kill her as much as Ackerman did. He had lost the squad he had fought with and lived with and loved. He had lost his lover. Ackerman didn't realize that he was going through three times her own pain. Levi hadn't wanted to tell her that. She wasn't the only one who had lost someone from that beast.

But he had refused to succumb to what he desperately needed and desired. His team reminded Levi of Isabel and Farlan through the small things they did. Their confidence and trust in him reminded Levi of Farlan, and their love for him reminded Levi of Isabel. Petra immediately reminded Levi of the girl that had proclaimed him her older brother. She had the same fire in her eyes and the same kindness in her heart. She believed in what they were fighting for, just like Isabel. They had both loved him. And now both of them had died. The last piece Levi had of Isabel was gone. Just like all the other times, Levi had not been able to take their bodies' home with him. Isabel had been crushed, leaving nothing but her blood. Farlan had been eaten. His squad had to be left behind because the Titans would have killed them all given the chance. Nothing except agony-filled memories were left. Levi wanted to do nothing except scream after the hell was over. He wanted to scream since that haunted night five years ago. It felt like he was drowning in blood. He was alone that night. Levi opened his mouth, but nothing came out. Nothing came out. There was nothing of him left.

All he had was an unfulfilled scream.