Okay, so this is extremely angsty, but, hey why not. I've been feeling quite angst-ridden lately.
Office Shrine
Summary: When Catherine has to decide what to do with Grissom's office, she finds herself reflecting on the time they shared together.
Disclaimer: I do not own anything. If I did, things would be different.
I stare in interest at the instructions for the movers as the men clear the boxes out of your office. Costa Rica. That's where you've gone. That's where she is. I shut my eyes and steel myself against the unwelcome truth. I can't deal with it now. I'll deal with it later. Instead, I focus on telling Ecklie where you have gone. He smirks a little when I tell him where you are. He knows as well as I do why you have disappeared to Costa Rica.
And then he tells me that he wants your office filled, that we can't have a shrine to you. Why the hell not? I wonder, but even as the thought flickers in my head, I realize how ridiculous it sounds. You would not want a shrine. You would want us to pick up where you left off. You would want us to move on.
You would want me to move on.
I'm standing alone in your empty office now. I'm overcome with so many memories, memories that you and I had made together. Some make me laugh, like the time you forced me to list my goals and, once I had finished complaining about my lack of a sex life, you offered your help. Some make me want to cry, like when you told me that you put me in for a promotion, even after our many conflicts. Some make me feel angry, though I try to suppress the feeling. Despite our many conflicts over the years, I know that you meant well and that our disagreements were never permanent. They divided us, to be sure, but they were never permanent. I never went home hating you.
Tears prick my eyes as I recall the things that had once divided us: Sam, Sara, Ecklie, your self-righteous yet often hypocritical attitude, my stubbornness…Did you know that these last three years were the longest of my life? I had never felt so helpless. I could feel myself losing you, my best friend, and no matter what I did, I couldn't seem to reach you. You pulled away (or maybe I pushed you, I don't know) and you turned to Sara.
I tried to be supportive of you because you needed someone. I tried to be happy that you found someone who was so like you in many ways. I tried, God how I tried, but eventually, I could only stomach so much. I know that I pulled away, put myself into work so that I didn't have to see your flaunted relationship. Oh, I bet you hated that, being the center of attention after Sara was saved. You didn't know that I secretly hated it, too. Every turn I took, I found a lab tech discussing the great Grissom/Sara relationship. It was too much. I just wanted it to end.
Then she left, and you were broken. How I wanted to wrap my arms around you and console you, tell you that you deserved better. But how could I? You were so far away, yet so near. We had drifted apart and you no longer wanted me to be there. You wanted to be alone to mend. I understood that, but it still hurt that you no longer wanted my help. Eventually, you seemed to have healed yourself. You were smiling again, and you were talking theories with the guys again. We even got you to go out to breakfast with us. It felt like a new beginning. I was hopeful.
And then tragedy. Warrick. You loved him as much as I did. I remember what you looked like that night, sitting there, drenched in blood, staring blankly down at the still form of our Warrick. You looked so broken. And then I was sobbing. You never knew that all that I needed at that horrible moment was for you to put your arms around me. You didn't, though. You sat there and watched me cry, feeling the exact same on the inside. Maybe it was better that you stayed where you were. You were covered in blood, after all.
We all rallied around you for strength as we solved Warrick's case. You were so strong as we worked to find Warrick some justice, even when Sara reappeared. I was hardly surprised. She was Warrick's friend too. I was concerned for you, though, and if it would all be too much for you.
And as it turned out, it was. Even before Sara jetted off again, you seemed lifeless and tired, a shadow of the man I knew. You were a ghost and I tried so very hard to see you. It hurt to see you so hurt, so broken. The smiles that made me feel better were few and far between. You started to get restless and even work could not settle you. You began speaking words with veiled meanings that even you did not understand at the time.
I did. I understood them. I realized that it was only a matter of time before you would say goodbye. And then it seemed, so did you. You worked with me a bit more often and then we took a walk together, something we hadn't done in a long time. Upping the ante, you said with conviction when we walked the strip that night. I knew what was coming in that moment. You had decided.
You seemed to have thought that you had surprised me with the announcement that you were leaving CSI. You didn't. I knew before you knew, I told you. You seemed a little surprised, but then you smiled that soft smiled that I loved. I knew in that instant that you and I were alright, that somehow, we had climbed back up to where we understood one another. I understood that you needed to get away, do something new. You understood that I would always have your back the way you have always had mine.
They say that if you love something, you should let it go. I let you go, Gil. I loved you. I always have, even if I never told you how I felt. There are times when I wish that I had thrown caution to the winds and told you, but would you have turned away? Would we have been able to part on that sweet note that we did? Would I have been able to let you go when you needed to, or would I have kept you smothered? Honestly, Gil, I don't know, but with the way things turned out, maybe it's better that I never told you. We parted as friends and you seem on your way to happiness. I hope that you're happy, Gil. As for me, I'll hold onto that last moment, that last glance for the rest of my life. It's how I'll always remember you. Beaming at me and only me.
I feel tears rolling down my cheeks as I stand alone in the middle of your office. I hate to admit it, but I can't move on. I can't take over your office as my own. I can't bring myself to change the place that was so uniquely yours, yet I know that I must. Ecklie's orders and all that. He's given me the chance to decide what to do with it, and if I don't, he'll just place some random person here, in your space, our space. I don't want that to happen.
I smile softly to myself and wipe the tears away as I come to a decision that I know that you would agree with and be proud of. Nicky. He deserves it, and I think that he wants and needs something to remind himself of you, of the lessons you taught him. In your office, he can keep your memory alive and create new ones, possibly as great as the ones that you and I shared.
As for me, I'll treasure every memory of you. Your smile, your laugh, your quirky quotes, your passion…even your tush (yes, I looked, but I know you did too!). I'll remember everything the way it was.
Your office may change hands a million times and it will obviously be changed, but my memories of you will stay the same, never changing. You may not have wanted a shrine to you, but like it or not, Gilbert Grissom, there is a shrine for you inside my head and it will always be there for the rest of my life.
The End