Zero of the Twilight
An Ilia Hatefic.
This is just my little way of venting my frustration over the very existence of Ilia and everything she stands for. If you like Ilia, then I'm sorry your mother dropped you on your head as an infant. I hope it didn't dent your face too much.
Enjoy it, or don't.
Disclaimer: The Legend of Zelda is the property of Nintendo Inc., not I.
It was one exhausted hero who stumbled into the dusty town of Kakariko that evening. Travels between his destinations had been becoming increasingly perilous as of late, and it was taking a heavy toll on our green-garbed hylian. Sleep deprivation was beginning to take it's toll on the poor boy...
Suddenly a horrific shriek pierced through our hero's broodfest. "Hey!"
Link's snapped head towards the source of the disruption, a look of horror marred his handsome features.
A winged ball of blue light hovered mere inches from Link's face, bobbing and weaving, twirling and shaking. "Listen!" The sound of of a thousand nail-coated birds flying into chalkboards couldn't compare to the terrible noise.
For the first time in our hero's career, Link was frozen with terror.
"Hey! Listen!" it cried once more. Link's hands inched for the the pommel of his Master Sword, he would only get one chance...
Suddenly the horrific creature's image disapated, welcomely replaced by a tiny, dark imp fist on a collision course towards Link's face. Pow!
Our hero was knocked clean off his feet, fortunately his tailbone broke the fall. When the dust kicked up from the road finally cleared, Link's companion flew directly in front of his face. With her arms comically crossed and a toothy frown on her face she layed into the poor boy.
"What the hell is wrong with you? I bet you didn't hear a word I said space cadet!"
All Link could do was return her enraged gaze with a sad look of his own. He shrugged an apology before picking himself up and dusting off. Midna backed away, her face losing it's previous anger and watched on with pity.
"You're tired...aren't you?"
Both companions knew that was an understatement. Link was more accurately: broken. The hero refused to humor the rhetorical question and starting trudging once more. His goal was the home of the village shaman, Renado. Midna stare sympathetically as Link limped past her. Her eyes caught sight of a simple necklace hanging loosely in his grasp. "Ilia." she breathes. Midna knew that neither of them particularly wanted the added responsibility of regaining Ilia's memory, but Link for some reason felt obligated to carry it through.
Both of them couldn't help but shudder at the memory of the last time they made this attempt.
Renado's Home. Three weeks prior.
"I know who I am now! I...I remember!" the homely country girl exclaims. She clutches the wooden statue she had just been given in a death grip. With eyes wide with excitement and devoid of intelligence she leaps up and down. "I'm..."
Link gawks at Ilia, lips curling into a soft smile. His body slackens and his heart sings with glee as he feels an enormous weight lifted from his shoulders...
"I'm a wood carver!"
...only to come crashing back down again. Link's kind soul cries out in pain, as if a thousand angels had just been shot in their kneecaps. His body's muscles retie themselves back into their former knots. The abused hero can barely restrain the disappointment creeping onto his face.
Behind his back, an imp can only claw at her face and scream silently in frustration and rage.
Kakariko Village. Present.
Midna comes to the conclusion that neither of them can afford the risk of such a disappointment again. A thought crosses her mind and she pounces like a starving cat would a mentally ill rat. Finding themselves near the cave entrance to the left of the local spring, Midna takes this opportunity to kill two birds with one stone.
"Link! Hold on!"
The green-garbed hylian in question stops and turns his head in curiousity.
"You still have your old rancher outfit, don't you?"
Link nods, perplexion writen openly on his face
Midna pauses in the air, concentrating heavily on Link's feet. Adruptly, her head kicks up and she commands, "Take off your clothes!"
Link's eyes widen, his body motionless. The poor youth's lips begin to move in protest but no sound escapes them. He can only stare in horror as his tiny female companion slowly approaches him, a wicked and toothy grin on her face...
She thumps him upside the head. "It's not like that idiot! Listen up, I have a plan..." her voice fades into a whisper and in a few moments a small smile creases his weather worn face. The first real smile he's had in months.
Renado's home. Ten minutes later.
Ilia, sweet, sweet Ilia lies nestled down in her makeshift bed. Dreams of little Links and Ilias dance around in her amazingly empty head as slumber tightly restrains her. Eight hours of sleep is the small mercy the gods see fit to provide the world, a small rest free of Ilia's horrific babbling. Unfortunately, this must be cut short this night. Fortunately, with good reason.
"Ilia."
The country bumpkin in question stirs in her sleep, not yet willing to relinquish the images of her little crimes against nature.
"Ilia!"
Ilia's eyes shoot open in confusion...more confusion than usual. Her freakishly shaped head darts in all directions, trying to discover the hidden location of the disturbance.
"In front of you."
And in front of her indeed it was. A mighty creature, an entity of presence and power. A being so mighty and frightening and terribly beautiful that man's infinite imagination could never capture it in it's entirety. Ilia could only say one thing.
"You're a sheet." she stated drowsily, "A floating sheet with holes for eyes."
"Fool! I am the mighty god Ordonna! I take on this form only in my infinite compassion for your puny human mind, for it would toast like a marshmellow by the merest glimpse of my true form! " Ordonna continued without pausing, "Also: I am the patron god of sheets!"
Ilia was convinced, what else but a god could shout out such a run on sentence without feeling awkward? She tried to leap out of her bed but ended up tripping in her bedding and making a righteous faceplant into the dirt floor. After much struggling, she finally settled into an awkward bow, with her knees and forehead touching the floor and her hands flat before her.
"Oh mighty lord, your humble servant Ilia is at your service!"
"Of course you are! I'm your mighty lord! Now listen up." the regal entity cleared it's voice, as if struggling to keep it so deep. Anybody with an IQ over 25 would have grown suspicious at such an action, fortunately such a person was not at in it's presence. "Great evil has robbed you of your memory, and we have little time."
"Oh mighty lord, my ears hear only your words!"
"I find that very hard to believe dumbo."
"My lord?"
"Silence! Ilia, it is time you knew who you really are. You are...the chosen hero!"
Ilia's head shoots up, doe-eyes filled with wonder. She shakes her head slightly, as if attempting to make the two brain cells she owns bang together and form a coherent thought. She fails, "Oh, is it really true my lord? Somehow, a part of me always knew I was special!"
"Oh, you're special alright. More so than even your father ever told you." the figure gestures dramatically. "You have within you an innate combat ability, and great magic powers!"
Ilia stares at her hands in amazement, turning them and testing her fingers. "Oh mighty lord, I think I feel the power!"
"Yes, yes I'm sure you do." the sheet-god flicks it's sheet covered apendages dismissively."At the foot of your bed you will see the garb of the chosen one. You will travel forth and regain all of your memories! You will be the guiding light for the peoples of Hyrule, a champion of goodiness!"
"My lord, is goodiness a word?"
"It is now!"
"Ah," Ilia breathes reverently, such is the power of a god! Ilia quietly dons the green garb and poses in several exaggerated ways. Suddenly, a rare thought flares!
"Ow, my head hurts," Ilia sits at the foot of her bed, clutching her enormous dome. "Oh great one, with what shall I smite the forces of evil?"
"Oh, yes I suppose you will need something to layeth the smackdown with." The Ordonna imposter gestures dramatically once more, "Your weapon of destiny awaits by the spring. The Rock of Truth!"
"Great one, there are so many rocks out by the spring, how shall I know it when I see it?"
"It will be the heaviest one you can carry, now go forth to the eastern temple! The mighty creature's voice boomed, "Defeat the guardian of the desert there and bring it's treasure back here to me. You will be rewarded with another fragment of your memory. Now go!"
On that note Ilia skittered clumsily across the floor. She slipped and slid and banged her head several times before falling out the front door. She kicked up dust with every footfall as she sprinted eastward.
Back at the house, a sheet-god gave out a high pitched giggle.
Kakariko Hot Springs. 35 minutes later.
Our hero sat shirtless in the healing waters of the hotspring. All his worries, tiredness, and troubles were being washed away as he let the soft lapping waves of the water soothe and relax him. Behind him sat Midna, tending to his shoulders with a precision massage that only an imp's hand could provide.
"Don't get too comfortable with this wolf boy " she stated, "I expect you to return the favor the second I get my body back."
Link smiled softly before nodding in agreement. Suddenly a thought occurred to him, he opened his mouth to voice his concern but was cut off when Midna seemed to read his mind.
"Don't worry about your clothes, we can pick them up when we head out that way in a few days. Hopefully she makes some forward progress and doesn't leave too many stains." cackled lightly, more for the sake of doing so then any amount of humor.
Link sighed appreciatively.
Meanwhile, elsewhere.
"Please! Sweet goddesses no! Stay away! Ordonna I'm scared, I don't want to die!" the ditz shrieked in terror. Ilia found herself cornered in a darkened chamber, three skeletal warriors advancing on her position. Tripping backwards over her baggy green clothing, she falls on her rear and the rediculously large rock she carries crushes her pelvis into dust. She cries out in pain, sobbing terribly. Tears mix with snot and drool and cake her face. She desperately appeals to the undead guardians once more "Please, please, oh goddesses please don't kill me! I...I'll join you and fight for evil! I promise!"
The three creatures glance at eachother in confusion. One of them speaks from unmoving jaws to his companions, "Worst. Hero. Ever." The others couldn't agree more.
It takes four strikes with an axe to remove Ilia's head from her shoulders, but it only takes three for her to die.
End.
A/N: Review, or don't. But seriously review...or don't. You can flame if you want to, but it doesn't matter. Ilia fans have no taste anyway, so your opinion is worth nothing to me. Also: I'm flame-proof, 'tis the stuff that I'm made of.