All In The Mind
It had been almost seven weeks since little Emilia or Mia as everyone called her was born. The labor was typical, hours long. She remembered that she managed to sneak out of bed without waking Kurt although that wasn't too difficult as he was so tired trying to do as much paperwork as possible so he would be able to enjoy his paternity leave not to mention that she was a little demanding when it came to being close to him. She couldn't get enough of him, not that he was complaining and whatever she wanted he tried to give it to her even if that was his body after a long day at work. To be fair since she started her second trimester she couldn't keep her hands to herself and he was not safe if she was craving him which she did every moment she was awake. Everyone noticed, they would go back to their apartment 'for lunch' when they didn't have a case and when they did they would disappear somewhere in the building for a while before they both returned slightly disheveled.
After her shower she got dressed and went to Kurt and kissed him awake, he deepened the kiss and groaned when she pulled away. He opened his eyes and a look of confusion replaced his 'just woken up' look.
"Why are you dressed?" Kurt asked
"Well, seeing as your daughter is going to be with us soon I thought it would be good to get dressed…"
"WHAT?!" demanded Kurt as he jumped out of bed. "Why didn't you wake me sooner?"
"You needed your rest…"
"We're going to have a long talk about this at some point!"
She watched as he rushed to the bathroom and he was back within moments, he picked up her hospital bag, which had been ready for over a month, Kurt was a little anal when it came to certain things. She, Patterson and Zapata loved making fun of his overprotective nature but he had Reade and Rich on his side, all three of them were worry warts.
Kurt was standing by the door waiting for her to move and he just looked at her waited.
"Jane, c'mon!"
"Er Kurt, aren't you forgetting something?"
Kurt looked at her if she was mad.
She smiled at him.
"You may need your sneakers…"
She watched as he looked down and groaned, he rushed back to their room and was out in seconds, in two different sneakers. She didn't have the heart to tell him, they'd be lucky to get to the hospital without him speeding; she was surprised that they didn't have an escort to the hospital.
The labor was long but Kurt was with her every step of the way and she couldn't have done it without him, he was so attentive and patient, even when she cursed him for touching her in the first place and getting her pregnant. She forgot that she was just as hot for Kurt as he was for her, and they usually ripped each other's clothes off as soon as they were alone. She even threatened to cut off Kurt junior if he ever came near her again, he still wiped her brow and said he'd get her whatever knife she needed to get the job done. She fell in love with him all over again during the birth of their daughter.
When they were in the car on the way to the hospital, she texted everybody that needed to know, by the time Emilia was born the whole team were at the hospital in various stages of undress, Patterson in her Harry Potter PJs, Reade in sweats and a t-shirt, Zapata in a satin pyjama set with a denim jacket and last but not least Rich in his Buffy The Vampire Slayer PJs.
When they were finally allowed to see the latest member of the Weller family, Kurt was reluctant to let anyone hold their daughter, she had to coax him to do so and he stood over each member of the team while they held their daughter. That was the first day of spoiling and it continued every day since. Allie, Connor and Bethany came to visit that first weekend; Sarah had to wait a couple of more weeks until Sawyer was on vacation so they could stay for longer. Both families refused to stay with them saying that they needed time alone. But they, along with the team and Avery, who came at the weekend as well, were at their place; they took it in turns to be helpful. The help was wonderful, they didn't have to worry about food or laundry or anything, and everyone helped, they were so grateful to have a loving family. Both Avery and Bethany were taken with their new sister, Sawyer hoped for a boy cousin and kept on hoping until Emilia was officially born. It was Bethany who shortened the name to Mia and it stuck.
Kurt's paternity leave was over way too soon and he hated having to go back to work. She herself was counting down the weeks until they could be intimate again. Even though she was tired she still craved Kurt but he refused anything more than kissing. He still held her at night. She'd taken to wearing one of his shirts to bed since giving birth and he didn't seem to mind.
She was staring at herself in the mirror; she couldn't believe that she didn't fit into the new lingerie that she bought just that day. Well, it did fit but it didn't look good. It was too tight in the wrong places. She just wanted to have something new to seduce Kurt in, not that she needed anything to seduce him with. But as she stared at herself she realized that Kurt may not find her as desirable as he did before. She knew he loved her body but that was when she didn't have as many flabby bits as she does now. She heard that some men go off of their partners after they have given birth and maybe Kurt was one of these, he had started to wear boxers and a t-shirt to bed since she gave birth whereas before he would sleep naked unless Avery and or Bethany was staying with them. She took off the lingerie and shoved it in the back of her drawers.
Kurt came home and he loved spending time with her and Mia. He loved every aspect of fatherhood even the dirty diapers. He loved bath time and story time. He knew that she'd went to her doctor that morning and she knew what he expected once Mia was down for a couple of hours before her first nighttime feed. They were kissing and it felt like it was before but when he started to run his hands under her or his shirt she put a stop to it.
"Kurt, I know that we expected to continue where we left off before Mia was born however I need to go back to the doctor next week…"
Kurt froze and looked at her.
"Is everything ok?" he asked
She felt a little guilty for lying to him but she had to get back into shape before they became intimate again. A week should be enough time she thought.
"The doctor said I haven't healed as well as she assumed I would have by now. So she made another appointment for next week and we'll see.
"But how are you feeling?"
"Fine but…"
"Of course we'll wait." He kissed her forehead and her guilt increased.
They snuggled under the covers. Kurt insisted on getting up for the night feeds, no matter how much Jane said he needed his rest. His argument was that she got to bond with Mia all day, he only had the night and soon she'd be off to college at that point she would just roll her eyes.
She managed to put him off for a couple more weeks. One day after work he came back with Avery and she said she was giving them the night off, even though she knew they wouldn't leave the apartment they were under strict orders to have some time to themselves. Kurt took Jane into their room and sat her on the bed. He was looking at her and then she was shocked to see his eyes well up.
"What's wrong Kurt?"
"That's what I was going to ask you. Are you all right? You can tell me if the doctor found something ok? I'm here for you, you know that right?"
She was so ashamed that she put Kurt through this anguish.
"Kurt, I promise you, I'm fine. The doctor even said that we're fine to resume our nighttime activities…"
"I don't care about that; I care about your health!"
"I promise you. I. AM. FINE!"
She must have gotten through to him as he seemed to relax a little. They snuggled on top of the bed covers, nothing was going to happen and nothing ever did when Bethany and or Avery stayed with them. Kurt was worried that Bethany would come into their room if they were 'busy' whereas she was too embarrassed that Avery would know what they were doing.
The next night after Mia went down they walked into their room and she knew he knew there was something wrong.
"Jane, we can wait. We don't need to do anything tonight, ok?"
She smiled but it didn't reach her eyes.
"I…I don't want to wait."
She switched the light off and walked to him and pulled his head down and claimed his mouth, he groaned. He lifted her and she wrapped her legs around him and he slowly placed her on the bed. He began to unbutton her shirt but she stopped him and undressed him instead. Then he started to undo the shirt but she stopped him.
"It's a little cold; can you come under the covers?"
Kurt looked at her.
"Are you sure you're ok?"
"Of course, I'm just a little chilly that's all."
He looked at her and she knew he wasn't going to continue if she didn't do something so she pulled him down and kissed him, it went on for ages. Once they broke away to breathe she pulled the covers over them and began to unbutton her shirt. Kurt covered her hands and she was scared that he was going to stop but he started where she left off. He parted the shirt and just waited to see what she would do, she pulled him down again. They made love; it was just like before Mia was born. After they had finished, she quickly buttoned up the shirt again and he held her.
Whenever they had time to themselves and Mia was asleep and neither Avery nor Bethany were with them their love making followed the same routine, they'd be under the covers, she would claim being cold and he would unbutton and part her shirt and they would love each other. This went on for a while. She started to notice that after they were finished but before she could do up her shirt he would place kisses all over her body and he would place quite a few on her round flabby stomach. Once he was finished he would button up her shirt for her and whisper that he loved her. Each and every time it would cause her to tear up and one or two would escape and he would always kiss them away. He never once pressured her to show him her body. In fact he would always be 'busy' when she had to get dressed and he never entered the bathroom when she was in there, she missed that. She missed their shared showers. He showed her in every way that he loved her as she was. She knew that he could feel her new shape and it didn't dull his libido at all. She knew she had to do something. She really wanted to get out of this negative headspace but it was easier than done. It came to a head when he had a bad day at work and ended up in a fist fight with a suspect and the suspect managed to get in a few good hits, usually when this happened, she and Kurt would share a shower and she would kiss it better and vice versa if she was the one that was injured but this time she didn't feel she could go into the bathroom and get naked. She felt so guilty not that Kurt said anything; he still treated her like he always did but she herself felt bad.
It was a few days later that she noticed that he wasn't as stiff from the hits as on the first day. So that night she was in her shirt sitting on the side of the bed waiting for Kurt to come in. When he did enter the room he closed the door behind him and was going to switch the light off when she stopped him.
"Leave them on."
"Jane?"
"Let's leave them on, please?"
He looked at her and nodded. He moved to the bed and they swapped positions, she got up and pushed him down to where she was sitting. She pulled his t-shirt up and over his head and moved to take his boxers off; he lifted his hips to help her. He was sitting there naked and she could see his desire. She moved her hands to the top of her shirt and unbuttoned the first one then Kurt was standing in front of her, his hands on hers.
"Jane, you don't have to…"
She looked into his eyes and saw his concern as well as love.
"I…I want to."
He must have seen something in her eyes because she gently pushed him back and he took the hint to sit down again. He watched as she slowly unbuttoned the shirt, their eyes never left the other. Once the shirt was open she closed her eyes and quickly pulled it off and let it fall to the floor. She didn't look at him in fact she didn't even open her eyes straight away. When she finally had the courage to look at him she saw the wonder in his eyes, the pure love that he was showing as his glance moved down her body. It was at that precise moment that she realized what a fool she'd been. He loved her in every way; he always showed it not only in words but in actions as well. Then he leaned forward and placed a loving kiss on her despised stomach. She couldn't keep the tears at bay; they rolled down her cheeks and dropped onto his bowed head.
"I'm sorry I've been an idiot." She whispered
"Jane, I'm sorry if I ever, even for one moment, made you feel unloved…"
"No you didn't. You never have. It was me just going insane for a little while. I thought you would be revolted by my new shape…"
"Jane, how could I be revolted? You are an amazing woman. Everyday I'm amazed that you love me. Yes I love your body but that's not the only thing I love about you. Your heart is so big, you always think the best of someone, and you always empathize with others. If you really want to lose the few extra pounds that you've put on then I'll help you, I'll look after Mia and you can go for a run or to the gym. I should have thought of that before. Do I mind the extra weight? No, I don't, do you know why? You were strong enough to keep our daughter safe for nine months until she was ready to come out. You not only kept her safe, you nourished her. This was our daughter's home and she flourished inside you. You made our daughter the strong baby she is. Without you she wouldn't be here. I've always loved every inch of your body but I'm just so in reverence of your body now. You are an amazing mother. I'm just so glad that you fell in love with me even though you could do so much better…"
She couldn't see him for the tears rolling down her cheeks; she felt him stand up and felt him begin to wipe the tears from her face. Once the tears stopped she saw the sincerity in his eyes and she hugged him tightly and he reciprocated. Once they parted she looked into his eyes and saw the love that she always saw and she smiled.
"Well, should we take advantage of the brief time we have until your daughter wakes up demanding her bottle?" she asked
Kurt lifted an eyebrow.
"I think you'll find that your daughter is stubborn and she gets that from the Kruger side of the family as opposed to the Weller!"
"I beg to differ, her stubbornness is all Weller!"
Kurt smiled.
"Well, seeing as we have about an hour before she wakes up, she gets that from you, you like waking up early, I think we should get comfortable on the bed, don't you?"
"Well it is right there, it would be silly not to."
She gasped when Kurt picked her up and gently placed her on the bed and he took the whole hour to pay homage to her body, her body tingled and she had a wide smile on her face when Kurt went to feed their daughter. When he came back it was her turn to worship his body not that he was complaining. Something happened that night, she realized that all of the negative thoughts were in her mind and slowly but surely things between them carried on just as before Mia was born. In fact Kurt was starting to look constantly tired again and a pool was started at work to when Mia would become a big sister.