Dammit, FFN's updates in the past several years have screwed up my perfectly cromulent (if also admittedly redundant) introducction sections and chapter headings. OOOONNNNE MILLION YEEEEEARS DUNGEON! ...I don't think I'm allowed to use that meme when I haven't even watched a single episode of Adventure Time as of the time of this writing.

Anyway. The chapters of this fic are based on a set of 30 prompts compiled by Vyctori Windheart and Rallalon over at 30_ways on LiveJournal. They take place at various times in a variety of places and a variety of situations, because who the hell needs consistency or coherent narratives. Chapters marked "Edenverse" signal scenes that follow the same semi-realistic-but-essentially-still-kind-of-ridiculous-in-that-uniquely-anime-way aesthetic as Fateful Meetings, wherein 99% of the characters are depicted with normal human proportions. Said scenes are not necessarily canonical to the world of Fateful Meetings...but maybe they are. Who knows? I might, if you ask. ASK ME THINGS, THERE'S NOTHING ELSE TO DO IN THIS DESOLATE FANDOM EVER SINCE KONAMI ABANDONED IT. (...she says, clearly spending her time writing fics that have remained unfinished for eons.)

Plundered Hearts has also undergone a renovation with its sudden but inevitable(?) revival! Which will not come as a surprise to anyone who knows me.

DISCLAIMER: Two words — "kaizoku nakama." I'm just sayin'.

(All these years and the title remains cheesier than a plate of fried mozzarella sticks. But that's okay, because I love me some fried cheese.)

"Rukifellth."

In one motion, Rukifellth swiveled around in his chair and swatted away the floating holoscreen he'd just been looking at. "I wasn't watching that Miss Yretsym wardrobe malfunction clip again, honest!" he insisted.

Lilith rolled her eyes. "I don't even know why I try anymore."

"Because you love me?"

"I'd love to hate you."

"You mean you don't hate me now?"

She refrained from a response as she leaned over to tap a few commands on the nearby keyboard. "Check this out. I know we don't usually go after bounties, but this one's too good to pass up." A new holoscreen featuring the mugshots of two mustached men popped up, followed quickly by additional screens bearing text blurbs.

Rukifellth leaned forward to peer at the data. "The Mario Brothers? I don't think I've heard of these fellows before."

"They don't usually come around these parts. It's just that their latest adventures have sent them our way."

"With a crime history like theirs, I'm surprised we haven't crossed them sooner. The kidnapping, drug possession, and grand larceny is impressive enough, but look at all those counts of aggravated assault! It's almost three-fourths of the rap sheet. They even have a charge for conspiracy against the crown! Why haven't we racked up a 'conspiracy against the crown' charge yet, Lilith?"

"Because that was when you got possessed by Sthertoth."

Rukifellth pouted at her. "Oh, sure, bring that up, why don't you."

"I'll stop bringing it up when you stop pretending to be possessed just to get out of cleaning the bathroom. Now take a look at that bounty on the brothers and tell me that payday hasn't arrived."

A single visible eye of ice blue wandered back to the holoscreens, first curious...and then impressed. "350 million Koopa Koins, a set of Koopa Treasures, and a royal boon?" he exclaimed. "Lilith, have I ever told you how much I love you?"

"Not in the past ten minutes."

Rukifellth grinned and tugged gently on Lilith's arm, pulling her close to plant a kiss on her cheek. "Then, I love you."

She tilted her head. "That was...surprisingly tame," she said.

He smirked. "Were you hoping for something more?"

"No way. It's just that when you're acting like a gentleman, chances are you're going to ask about something that's not very gentlemanly at all."

Rukifellth clutched his shirt in an expression of mock hurt. "You've no faith in me at all!"

"Of course I do. I have faith that you're a deviant at heart. Now come on, space cowboy — we've got a bounty to hunt."

"I'm a space cowboy now?" Rukifellth rubbed his chin, glancing upwards in thought. "Hm...I suppose I do have the hat for it, at least."

Lilith snatched the aforementioned item off Rukifellth's head and plopped it on her own. "Not anymore, you don't!"

"Hey!" He reached out for it. "Give that back!"

She giggled and stepped just out of range. "If you want it, then come and get it!" she taunted before running off.

"I think you need to work on your pickup lines!" Rukifellth responded, following after her.

Lilith navigated the hallways of the Warship Noah, trying to hide for long enough to scare Rukifellth. She ignored the engine room: too hot and too noisy. She ran past the kitchen as well, since it was still a mess after that one incident with the bagel slicer. She descended a flight of steps to a lower level, kept running...and stopped in front of the door to Rukifellth's bedroom.

The letter hiding in plain sight, Lilith thought smugly, punching in the passcode on the keypad and walking through the door that slid open. He won't check in here for sure! I've only been in here once and that was to get the panties he stole from me.

Rukifellth's bedroom was simple but comfortable. The built-in bunk held a pile of comic books and some unfolded pajamas. The walls featured pin-up models and a guitar chord reference poster. There was a desk with framed pictures of herself and Rukifellth, a bookshelf that used half-finished robot models as bookends, and a walk-in closet.

Lilith giggled as she threw open the closet doors. "Got any skeletons in your closet?" she asked no one in particular. Her brown eyes suddenly widened. "...whoah."

The closet was filled with shelves upon shelves of hats.

Cowboy hats.

Top hats.

Straw hats.

Berets.

Baseball caps.

Fedoras.

Tricorns.

Newsboy caps.

Hats, hats, hats.

Lilith stared open-mouthed at the headwear extravaganza before her. "Holy..." she started, reaching out in awe. "That is one nice trilby."

Rukifellth leaned against the wall, puzzled. Where could Lilith have gone? he wondered. The Noah was big even after they'd shaved off the expansions made to it during the time of the BHB Army, but most of it was taken up by the engine room and other structural doodads that kept the craft functioning. The actual living space, while quite generous for two people, wasn't terribly huge compared to the size of the entire ship. (It was, however, huge enough to cause cleaning problems. They'd have to deal with that properly now that this whole Sthertoth business was done with.)

He gave a puzzled, resigned sigh. He didn't want to admit defeat by calling Lilith on her communicator, but it was looking like he had no choice. Unfortunately, he'd left his communicator in his room, so he'd have to backtrack a bit. It was just as well. He needed to change this clothes anyway before the two of them headed out for work.

Rukifellth opened the door to his room...and was greeted by the sight of Lilith wearing a large Viking helmet.

He stared at her.

She stared back at him.

A silence fell.

Rukifellth chuckled. "Does this mean you — "

"Don't even finish it."

He laughed harder. "I was only going to ask if this meant you had a craving for Spam."

Lilith's face colored as red as her hair.

Rukifellth wrapped his arms around her tightly and kissed her again. "Have I told you how much I love you?"

"Yes, a little over ten minutes ago."

"Well, I still love you."

"I love you too."