This... took me a while to write. I got stopped about halfway through, and then it took me about two weeks or so to finally finish it. At least it only took a day to type up..
One Step Forward (The First Step is Always the Hardest)
There is no fear in love, but perfect love casteth out fear.
--John
--
Hisoka is scared. not really scared, actually, more like… (confusedconcernedworriedterrified)
He doesn't know how to put it. He's completely out of his depths, now. Lost. as if he's in foreign land without a map. He'd ask someone to help, but he can't do that, either. It would be wrong to, even if there was anyone who could help. He has to figure things out on his own. because it's his problem and his fault that he's so confused.
Really, for an empath, he's such an idiot when it comes to dealing with emotions. with people.
(Tsuzuki…)
How long has he been sitting here, trying to sort through everything and getting nowhere? Hisoka knows he should, needs to, go to sleep, but he can't. can't sleep. can't stop revisiting thatscenethosewordsthesoftkiss-
"Hey, Hisoka? There's… there's something I need to tell you…"
-the look of anxiousness and also hope-
"I… I like you. As, as more than a friend-"
-then the hurt, so carefully concealed but still so obvious…
(Why didn't I do anything? I don't- I don't know what to do, I'm so sorry Tsuzuki…)
Why me? I don't deserve it, I…
His pillow, the one he's been hugging to himself, is wet. Strange. He doesn't remember crying. He is crying. he didn't notice.
Why is he crying? Why does he feel so… sad?
(What did I ever do to make you care for me so much?
All I ever do is hurt you, insult you…)
(Tsuzukiwhydidyouhavetosaythat..?)
Hisoka would be the first to say that Tsuzuki deserves more than Hisoka can give him. He doesn't understand why the thought hurts him so much, but it's the truth. and Hisoka would hate himself even more if he forced Tsuzuki to have to deal with him because he was too selfish to let him go.
Which is why Hisoka is scared. He doesn't want to be left alone, but he knows it's bound to happen. Two and a half years they've been partners, how long before Tsuzuki has enough?
He's also scared because he didn't, still doesn't, know how to respond. He left without saying anything, just. running off. so he wouldn't have to face the man. Because he's lost and has no clue what to do. And he doesn't want to hurt his partner.
There's something holding him back. something in his subconciousness that he won't face, is so intimate with, that's stopping him. What is it..?
…it's him telling himself that he's getting too close, right? He's relying on Tsuzuki too much, anymore and who knows what would happen i- when the man leaves.
The alarm clock rings. Funny. Hisoka could have sworn only a few hours had passed since he returned, but apparently he's managed to spend the entire night like this.
No wonder he's so stiff when he gets up to turn the alarm off.
(…how am I going to face him?)
Another question he can't answer. Too many. too many questions he doesn't know the answers to. He hates not knowing, being confused. He'll just have to deal. somehow.
Tsuzuki doesn't look any better than Hisoka feels. Hisoka knows it's his fault. Guilt (I'msorrypleaseforgiveme) he has to squash down. act like nothing's wrong. Continue doing paperwork.
Lunch, and nothing changes. There's a distance between them, worse than when they had first met. It's suffocating. it's Hisoka's fault, because he can't make himself say anything of worth. Just pointless "Don't take too long", "have you finished with that file yet?" that he almost wishes he could take back. It would be better if he said nothing. So he doesn't. just stays quiet. tries to ignore the pain he can feel coming from his partner. hates himself for it, because it's all his fault.
There aren't even any fake smiles on Tsuzuki's face. Just nothing. nothing, that screams that there is something terribly wrong.
"Can… Would it be alright if I came to your apartment for a little while?" What? Why is he asking that? He should be returning to his own apartment now, not going to Tsuzuki's. especially not to Tsuzuki's.
Who's no less shocked than Hisoka himself. "S-sure. I mean, if you want to, it's fine. It's a bit messy, but…" Tsuzuki's babbling. That means he's nervous.
He falls silent eventually, and that's how they walk. Silent, fragile. unsure.
"Do you want anything to drink? Tea?" Normally when Hisoka visits, they drink tea. Normally being about three times, but still. Hisoka nods, still unable to say anything.
Two matching teacups sit untouched on the table. Two pairs of eyes focused on the steam rising from them. One pair.
"Hisoka, I…"
"I'm sorry." They both say it together, but Hisoka still hasn't raised his gaze. He's too. ashamed. What does Tsuzuki have to apologize for?
he didn't do anything wrong. Hisoka is just a coward, is all.
"I shouldn't have said anything. Could you just… forget I did? No, I guess you can't. I'll ask for a transfer, if you like."
"It's not your fault. I just… I just don't know. But…"
"Hisoka?"
"Please… stay." He's doing it again. forcing Tsuzuki to stay. being selfish. Won't he ever stop? "I… I don't want you to leave."
Relief. Why relief? "Hisoka… What do you mean, you don't know?" Hesitance. Hope, just barely there. A hint of… hedoesn'thatemeforthis? something else.
"Anything. What I should say, or do…" (I don't want to hurt you and I don't want to get hurt but I think I'd die if you left, and I know you'll leave but I don't want you to and I don't think I can give you what you want, I don't even know what you want and... and...)
(I love you too, but I can't tell you that...)
"I'm just... I'm not ready." (Will I ever be ready?) "I'm sorry."
"Hisoka... It's not your fault. You don't need to apologize. There isn't anything you have to do. I'd be happy if you just let me stay with you."
"I don't want to be alone!"
"I can... stay with you?"
"I don't want you to leave." The soft whisper can barely be heard, but Tsuzuki hears it. And there's so much relief. Hisoka could drown in it. and the happiness that accompanies it. It's. genuine. Like it hasn't been for over half a year.
"Then I won't go anywhere. I promise." Tsuzuki picks up his cup, drinks a little of the lukewarm tea.
Thank you Hisoka doesn't say. can't say. He can't say anything. He just sits. not doing anything.
"Do you want to stay the night?" Surprise. From Hisoka. from both of them. Hisoka doesn't reply. Tsuzuki's a bit nervous now. "It's getting a bit late..." It's not really that late, and they both know it. It's an excuse.
"Alright."
Night. They're sharing a bed, which makes Hisoka uncomfortable. In all honesty, he hates that fact much more than he does his and Tsuzuki's proximity. the awkwardness. (I need to get over this. I've already decided I love him, right?) He doesn't think about the months- half a year- it had taken him to get over that. Because then he'd wonder how long it's going to take him to admit it to Tsuzuki.
Can't take too long. It would hurt Tsuzuki too much and Hisoka doesn't want Tsuzuki to be hurt. No matter what.
It's half an hour later, half an hour spent arguing with himself, that he rolls over to face Tsuzuki's back. and slowly, sohesitantly, he reaches out. Puts an arm around the man's waist. moves a little closer, so that it's more comfortable.
Tsuzuki doesn't say anything. His emotions are louder; confusionanxietyguiltyhappiness, and Hisoka can't tell if the nervousness he's feeling is his own or Tsuzuki's.
That night, Hisoka sleeps. Only a few hours, but still. It's not like he could wake up from the nightmares that played out through his mind until exhaustion finally forced them away.
--
Three weeks. It too Hisoka three weeks to say I love you too. And right now he's not sure if he made the right decision in saying it at all.
But it really doesn't change anything, does it? Tsuzuki any more important to him than he was before; he was already Hisoka's most important person. And Hisoka feels no less awkward, is no less clumsy or clueless with their relationship. Right now, though, Hisoka's biggest concern is that of his fear that Tsuzuki will leave, for whatever reason. though it would probably be because he'd finally get fed up with Hisoka. with how Hisoka is nothing more than some brat at best.
So Hisoka tries to convince himself that it's okay to trust. Because Tsuzuki means it when he says that he'll stay with Hisoka for all eternity. because not all promises Tsuzuki makes end up broken. because, really, not everyone is like Hisoka's parents or like Muraki. because he'll hate himself so much more for screwing this up than he would if he ended up proven right, in the end.
They've kissed a bit more. Not much. The last time, Hisoka panicked- remembering. It's always Tsuzuki who kisses him- the most Hisoka's ever done is that hug when he had slept with Tsuzuki. Hisoka can't help but wonder if (when) it'll be sleeping with his partner. (Do I want to?)
No. Yes. No. Maybe. No. Try as he might, he can't forget that night. can't help but shudder at the thought that it could be Tsuzuki instead of Muraki.
Logically, he knows that if sex really were so painful all the time, then no one would be so interested in it. Certainly he's read enough books that advertise how wonderful it's supposed to be. But that doesn't help. he's still scared. (Idon'twantobehurt)
"Tsuzuki?"
"Huh? What is it, Hisoka?" Tsuzuki must know that Hisoka doesn't want to yell at him about the forms that he isn't filling out (not that Hisoka is any more productive today); he sounds genuinely interested in what Hisoka wants to say.
"Why do you promise me you'll never leave? How do you know you can keep that promise?" (And you hate yourself so much when you can't keep a promise...) "What if something happened?" Hisoka knows plenty could- it's what his waking nightmares are about. Nighttime ones, too. Just not all, when he's asleep. it's almost as if Hisoka's mind likes to torture him with all the various scenarios. (Why do you go to so much trouble when all I do is criticize you for it?)
"Because I know something could happen, but that doesn't mean I won't do my best to stop it. You shouldn't be such a pessimist, 'Soka." Tsuzuki smiles. "It sucks all the fun out of life." Pause. "Well, afterlife. Whatever." And behind the confident words are years' worth of insecurities. So much, shifting behind ever-present shields, and finally Hisoka can identify one. Determination. /I'llprotecthim,keephimsafe.../ fused with tentative hope, only just barely more confident than Hisoka's. But also the insecurities.
(How can I trust you if you can't even believe yourself?)
/Everything will be okay in the end./ The thought is so strong. Hisoka almost loses himself in it before he recovers. hastily turns away from Tsuzuki and back at the half-filled form on his desk.
He spends the rest of the day contemplating the thought. He doubts he's ever seen Tsuzuki so sure of a happy ending. (What makes him so sure?)
He doesn't ask, though.
Instead, he decides to give it a try. decides to give up his fear and caution in hopes that this future, where he won't be so lost, could really exist.
It's going to take a while to get there. A long time. Hisoka decides to trust that Tsuzuki will wait, and ignored the panicked voice telling him he won't. Tsuzuki is patient, after all.
Until then, Hisoka can keep dreaming about what it would be like when he'll feel comfortable showing his affection. (when he won't try to deny that that affection exists) When he won't spend sleepless nights worrying.
Mostly, Hisoka will dream about what it would be like if he kissed Tsuzuki first.
Finis