Keeper
Summary: She was sure that John was actually going to help the X-men fight Magneto. She thought he'd be fine. I knew better. She didn't see the look in John's eyes when Magneto called him a god…
Disclaimer: I don't own X-men. The song belongs to Yellowcard.
Warnings: Not too graphic but I do randomly go off and mention sex a million times. xD My beta complained that it turns into pron out of nowhere too much but I like it. :D So beware of the soft-core pron.
Notes: Sorry I'm posting so late. O.o My beta couldn't finish in time so I had to edit it myself. xD Sorry if I didn't catch anything.
John thinks that I didn't follow him that day at Alkali Lake but I did. Rogue didn't want me to go. She was sure that John was actually going to help the X-men fight Magneto. She thought he'd be fine. I knew better.
She didn't see the look in John's eyes when Magneto called him a god…
I guess I know John a little more than he'd like to admit. He's never understood how much I actually care about him. Then again, it's not like I've ever tried to tell him.
I wanna love I wanna leave
A loud noise tore my head apart, driving me mad as it seemed to pulse through my very veins. I felt like my body was dying. It seemed to be happening to Rogue right next to me as well.
The sound seemed to last for eternity; but the whole time all I could do was worry if John was alright.
Then, abruptly, it just stopped. The pain was gone like it never happened. I made sure Rogue was okay, taking care of her just like I always did, but this time I wanted to take care of John too for once. And, before Rogue could ask why, I was gone too.
I want you to love me
I want you to leave me
I hardly even needed to follow his tracks in the snow. I knew exactly where he was going.
He was leaving me.
He wasn't patient enough to sit around while the X-men take their sweet time on the safe route. He wanted to make a difference against humans and be able to watch it happen.
He'd told me that he was going to leave before. I'd listened to him talk about it with a smile on my face, rolling my eyes and laughing it off. He laughed too, telling me that he was too cool to run around in leather and save cats from trees.
I'd just always assumed that he would take me with him.
I stood on top of the hill where he'd been just minutes before. I couldn't make myself move. I just watched him walk out of my life.
I wanna stand where I can see
I still wonder exactly why I let him leave. Maybe somewhere inside me I knew he deserved much better.
John has never been the type to hide who he is. He's sexy and snarky and blunt: everything that I'm not. He doesn't hesitate to tell you what's on his mind. He doesn't like secrets.
Nevertheless, he kept ours. No one but us knew about those late nights we had spent together when kissing led to groping and groping led to sex. I wasn't ready to tell anyone. I wouldn't even say it out loud. I treated him like a problem I couldn't admit to having.
Hi, my name is Bobby Drake and I am addicted to John Allerdyce…
I'm watching you love me
I'm watching you leaving me now
I'd never thought that I was gay until I met him. It was one of those things that only happened to someone else. I wasn't girly and I hated the color pink. So that must mean I'm straight, right?
I had a family who thought I was perfect and a girlfriend that loved me. I couldn't handle how they'd react if they found out that my favorite thing to do is to look into his brown eyes as he cums.
I was so convinced that we weren't meant to be together. I knew that we would end eventually. That didn't stop me from wanting one more taste each time.
Just one more.
John's never thought of me that way. He could get any man or woman he wanted. I was easily replaceable and not worth the effort. I had come to terms with that a long time ago and I knew he had too.
I could see it in his eyes.
That's when I started seeing Rogue: to show him that he was replaceable too. I wanted to prove to myself that I loved being with girls much more. I was straight – no exceptions.
My plan backfired.
I wish I could be somebody else
I wish I could see you in myself
I wish there was something inside me
To keep you beside me
John wanted to talk about it.
Once he'd pinned me to the wall and said he wasn't going to let me go until I told him what was happening between us. I'd avoided his questioning and all he'd gotten me to say that day was "Yes John yes" and "Oh god, John, go faster… harder…"
It was easier that way. I didn't want to talk about it.
That's when John started leaving during the night and the first time I actually considered the fact that I had feelings for him.
Maybe he had feelings for me… That was something I'd only thought of once. I'll admit I enjoyed the thought a little too much.
I'd never let myself indulge in illusions like that until then. Pushing John into the wall, listening to him grunt in pleasure, lightly licking his lips… him whispering "I love you" in my ear: that's not something I could live off of. It was a fantasy. I need something real.
I'd imagined myself then with a wife and kids: that was real. Being in love with another boy… that was as far from real as it got.
Maybe that's why I paid more attention to Rogue than I should have.
And say what you really feel
You know I need something that's real
I care too much about what other people think of me.
Let's face it, that's the only reason why I was with Rogue to begin with: to lie to myself by fitting in.
I hated to think about it that way. I hated myself for being so cruel to her.
I never loved her. Not in the way that she wanted me to.
I'd always been so distant to her and she thought it was because of her powers. The day she heard about the cure, she jumped at the chance to get it.
I followed her. I wouldn't let her lose her powers for me. I was even prepared to tell her all about my feelings for John, anything to stop her. I didn't care if she hated me. I just couldn't let her do that for a man that didn't love her back.
Even if that man was me.
I wish there was something inside me
To keep you beside me
I didn't make it in time. She took the cure.
She smiled at me, thinking that now I was going to love her back. Touching her bare hand for the first time, I cursed myself for not being there for her in time. Even so, what I hated most of all was I couldn't bring myself to tell her I was in love with John anymore. I felt like a coward, but I didn't need to; the damage was done.
She'd thrown away the one thing that made her special just for me. But maybe I'd done the same for her a long time ago.
I was so scared that if I did tell her then I'd end up with no one when I needed someone the most. I didn't need to do that to myself, or to her, when I could just fake it.
I let myself hold it all inside over the years: my love, my guilt, and my fear. Ever since that first time John and I kissed, him pressing me hard into the danger room wall, it was enough to tear me up inside.
Now I understand why John wanted to talk about it.
I wanna know if I could be
Someone to turn to
That could never hurt you
He was there when I went to stop Rogue from getting the cure; it was kind of ironic really. From the moment I'd heard his voice I'd forgotten all about her.
If it wasn't for him I probably would've found her in time.
It had been the first time I'd seen him in a while. He looked sexy: he'd dyed his hair. He was so much more confident.
I'd never seen him so terrifying.
He didn't even hesitate to threaten to set me on fire. Not like he hasn't done that before, but he's never been serious.
I tried acting like I hated him too. It was the only thing keeping me from kissing him right in the middle of that crowd. I missed that bastard so much…
That's the difference between us. He doesn't have to pretend to hate me. I know he really does. You can't blame him, either, with the way I treated him.
But I know what you think of me
He finally stood up for himself and left. He broke free and joined the Brotherhood – the enemy. He's so independent. It makes me want him even more.
And while he's off doing what he wants, I'm stuck here obsessing over him, letting him fuel my sad little wet dreams. I've never felt more pathetic.
I think back to all we had, those days when we'd just wordlessly hold each other, not wanting to get back up and face reality. It hurts to know that he would just want to give that all up.
Now we only ever see each other when we're at war. I hate worrying about him during each battle between Brotherhood and X-men.
If he dies it will be all my fault.
You had a breakthrough
And now I'm just bad news for you
I couldn't hurt him in combat and he knows it. He purposely seeks me out to start a fight because he knows I can't fight back. He likes to torment me, like he knows I still want him and he wants to punish me for choosing her.
I've considered going after him and telling him. I've fantasized about it: I would effortlessly break into the Brotherhood base. Right in plain view, perhaps in front of Magneto himself, I'd confidently walk up to him, lead him back against a wall and forcefully pin his hands above his head.
"I've missed you," I would say. And I have.
But the thought of the looks on the Brotherhood members' faces kept me where I was.
I wish I could be somebody else
I wish I could see you in myself
I wish there was something inside me
To keep you beside me
I remember the first night we'd ever attempted to cross the line between friendship and… whatever we were. I'd been having a nightmare and John was nice enough to wake me up.
"Bobby… wake up… you're crying in your sleep…" He murmured. I blinked away the tears but it wasn't working since I was still crying.
"Thanks, John," I sobbed, weakly. He sighed.
"Move over." He grumbled. "You look pathetic." I did as I was told.
"What are you doing?" I asked as he climbed into bed next to me.
"My mom used to do this for me when I was having trouble sleeping… you know… before she left…" I smiled sleepily and snuggled close to him. I knew it was hard for him to share things like that with just anyone.
"Thank you," I whispered. He didn't say anything but I could see him smile slightly in the dark.
"Go back to sleep, Bobby…" He slipped his hand into mine and pressed a kiss to the top of my head. I fell asleep contently in his arms.
And say what you really feel
You know I need something that's real
I wish there was something inside me
To keep you beside me
We'd had our first kiss just days after that in the danger room but it happened so fast that I didn't even have time to notice or worry about it. We never mentioned our obvious attraction to each other. In fact, we'd never even noticed the connection we had until months later.
We'd been arguing over something stupid like a homework answer. We were both yelling and frustrated and then, mid-sentence and without warning, we both attacked each other's mouths so desperately, like the world would stop turning if we didn't suck every last molecule of oxygen from each others lips.
I still think about that night. I can't forget it. I'd led him backwards over to the couch in the rec. room – what a rush, anyone could have seen us – and he'd worked on giving me several love bites I'd have trouble explaining later.
He'd said my name over and over as I'd ground our hips together. Yet I couldn't bring myself to say his.
I should have told him I loved him.
I should've told you everything
I never gave you anything
I should've told you everything
John's never been one for uncomfortable silences but that's exactly what he got after that night. I'd wiped it from my memory like it never happened and at the same time I couldn't get it out of my mind.
Wordlessly we both filled up the silences with soft kisses that grew harder as the time passed and the need got greater.
John and I were complete opposites. John had a reputation for being self-centered and arrogant but I'd never thought of it that way. He was just happy with who he was. He liked to be himself and he liked knowing himself. I didn't want to know myself because my self was not good enough.
That was the kind of person I was. I'd never had the confidence that John has.
That's why he left me.
If I could give you anything
Then I would tell you everything
I've realized that, to get John back, I'm going to have to fight for it. That's enough of this self-pitying bullshit. I can't just sit around wondering what it would have been like. I'm going to try to make it work.
I don't need a normal life. I'm not normal after all. I'm an ice mutant in love with a boy who was my best friend and now my enemy.
Fuck, I'm messed up.
But now I feel like I can make things right again. He's loved me once and it can happen again. I want things to return to how they were. He trusted me with those painful memories that even he'd held back. I want to be there for him, hold him in my arms, and listen. That's all he needs is someone to listen.
I'm going to break this never-ending uncomfortable silence once and for all.
I wish I could be somebody else
I wish I could see you in myself
I wish there was something inside me
To keep you beside me
The next day I found myself walking up toward Rogue.
"I need to tell you something…"
She wasn't even that surprised. I'd even almost thought I saw a bit of relief on her face. I was gay. Now she knew why I didn't like her.
It wasn't her fault. It felt so good to know that she finally understood that.
She wasn't even mad or upset that she'd lost her powers over me. She was strong enough without me and I should have known that.
She doesn't need me as much as John did.
And say what you really feel
You know I need something that's real
My heart pounded in my chest as we all piled into the jet.
The others were going to fight the Brotherhood members. I was going to confess my love to one.
Logan raised an eyebrow at me.
"Why are you so tense, kid?" He asked.
"Another big battle with the Brotherhood…" I shrugged. Rogue glanced at me and nodded.
"Good luck," she said, making a point not to make eye contact with me. Without her powers she couldn't go with us.
"Thanks," I whispered. Logan frowned, noticing the awkwardness between us.
"What's going on with you two?" He growled and his claws revealed themselves with a metallic noise. "I told you, Snowman, if you break her heart-"
"It's okay, Logan. I broke up with him." Rogue interrupted. "It just wasn't working for me."
"Oh…" Logan murmured. He glared at me one last time before retracting his claws and walking into the jet.
I've got to thank her later.
I wish there was something inside me
To keep you beside me
Hopefully I'm not too late.
I quietly slipped away from the rest of the X-men and went to go find John. It didn't take me long. He must've been looking for me too.
My stomach filled with butterflies at the thought.
He looked up at me in a way I hadn't seen him look at me in a long time. He looked tired, like he'd been crying all night.
I almost forgot that we were enemies now.
"John… what's wrong?" He didn't answer. I didn't expect him to. Nowadays he's different. He keeps everything to himself. It can't be good for him to keep everything bottled up like that.
I brushed some of his un-gelled hair out of his eyes. He didn't even try to stop me or flinch away like I thought he would. Instead he just let me touch him.
His eyes searched mine before he finally said "I still love you."
Perhaps I wasn't too late after all.
I should've told you everything
I should've told you everything
I should've told you everything