501 The Fear
People can be scared of many things. And many things can be scary. Spiders, nuclear bombs, war. For me, the one thing I'm scared of is leaving everything I love behind. Leaving my normal life, the life I've always led, leaving the people I've always loved, leaving everything. But I have. And sitting here on this plane as I look down at the mass of ocean below me, I'm not scared of spiders, or war, or even nuclear bombs. I'm not even scared that I might meet someone like Hunter or Megan who will try and hold me hostage again. Right here, right now, I'm just scared of not being able to make it alone. And for me, that's the scariest thing in the whole world.
*
Jude walked collectively out of the tunnel and into the busy baggage collection of Heathrow airport. She was greeted with a flood of hungry reporters shouting her name and holding microphones up to her face. She felt a huge grin spread over her face and smiled warmly.
"Jude!"
"Jude!"
"Hi!" she said, waving and smiling.
"Jude! How was your flight?"
"When are you going to debut your basement song?"
"Are you homesick yet?"
"Jude." Jude felt a comforting hand on her shoulder and turned to see Nicola Dumar next to her.
"A bit overwhelming isn't it?" she said. Jude, lost for words, watched as Nicola helped Jude with her bags and led her out from the mass of cameras and people to her car. Black, with tinted windows, Jude climbed into the back and got comfy, letting her head fall back against the headrest. Nicola sat in the back with her, the driver remaining silent as he drove them away from the bustling airport and towards the inner realms of London.
"Wow, what a fab welcome," Jude said.
"Everyone is so excited to have you here in London, Jude," Nicola said. "I just hope it isn't too overwhelming for you."
"No, I love it, it's great to have worldwide fans, and I can't wait to start such a new exciting phase of my life," Jude said.
"I know you're probably very tired," Nicola continued. "But I'm afraid it's straight into work-well, once we have taken a little trip to see your new home."
Jude gazed out the window and was surprised to see that they were already in the heart of London, and were now turning into the big gates that was Notting Hill. Jude's new home. The driver stopped outside Jude's apartment, and Nicola handed Jude her keys.
"A car will pick you up in about 2 hours, until then I had all your stuff that has already been shipped in moved into the house and it should be in some kind of reasonable order. Make yourself at home as best as possible for now, and I will see you in a few hours."
Jude stepped out the car and collected her luggage, unlocking the front door and finding herself staring down a long hallway.
Jude you picked our home without me
Jude walked into the hallway and found herself flashing back to what had previously happened back home. No this was her home now.
You say one thing and you do the opposite
Jude felt a throbbing pain in her head, and leant against the wall, every word she heard in her head echoing around the empty rooms.
What I can't figure out is what you really want
Jude sunk against the wall and slid down it, huge sobs choking her. She cried hard, letting the tears fall, letting it all out. The apartment was silent, silent enough to engulf Jude's loud sobs, to hear her angrily pounding her fists against the wall. Exhausted with what felt like no strength left in her body, Jude let her head fall into her hands, and closed her eyes as tight as they could go, just wishing she could stay like this, curled up in a tiny ball, in this empty house, forever.
* *
Tommy knocked casually on Darius' door and pushed it open without needing a response. Darius, barely looking up from his desk and the piece of paper he was writing on asked "what can I do for you T?"
Tommy sighed heavily and looked at the floor. "Karma's album," Tommy said quietly. "It was never finished. I want to finish it."
Darius looked at Tommy. "Well you don't seem very enthusiastic about it! Come back when you've got a bit more life in you, then maybe I'll consider it."
Tommy closed his eyes in exasperation. "It's been a day D."
Darius put his pen down and sighed. "Do you want some time off?"
Tommy laughed quietly to himself. "So I can wallow in self-pity? No." He made his way to the door.
"T?"
Tommy turned round.
"You gotta let her go." Darius stared hard at Tommy. "Once and for all this time."
***
"Okay dudes, I've just come to collect my guitar and then I'm off." Spied said miserably, hurrying down the stairs to Jamie's basement, NBR.
Jamie gave him a weird look. "You already have your guitar." He pointed to the black guitar case Spied was carrying.
"Right," Spied said quietly. "I knew that...well, see ya then!" he turned back up the stairs.
"Off?" Zeppelin questioned. "Where to?" Spied turned back to face them.
"Yea, you should be excited! We have a new single to make!" Jamie grinned, rubbing his hands together gleefully.
"That's, probably not possible," Spied said slowly.
Jamie frowned and looked at Zeppelin. "Why?" he asked.
Spied looked at the ground. "Karma and I...well. We have to go somewhere."
"Is it for the TV show?" Zeppelin asked.
Spied laughed. "It's because of the TV show."
"What happened?" Jamie said.
Spied looked at Jamie and shrugged. "Nothing," Spied said finally. "No, everything's fine."
Jamie turned to Zeppelin again, and when they both looked back at where Spied had been, he was gone. A second later they heard Jamie's front door shut.
****
Jude took a deep breath and pushed open the entrance doors to Bermanze Records, once again to be greeted by flashing cameras and microphones. She smiled, wanting to make as best a first impression as possible in England. Once again Nicola rescued her, pulling her through the cameras and into her office. Completely different to Darius', Jude almost felt as if she was back in GMajor when Georgia owned it. Maybe it was that feminist touch. Subtle decorations, white walls, the office looked bright and cheerful. Jude felt instantly relaxed.
"Have a seat Jude," Nicola said. Jude took up comfort in one of the two armchairs facing Nicolas desk.
"Now then, we want to make a big impact with you," Nicola began. Jude nodded, smiling and taking a deep breath.
"So," Nicola said. Jude raised her eyebrows at the touch of foreboding words about to be uttered.
"I wanted to debut the basement song tonight!" Nicola beamed. Jude's face fell, the words echoing in her head once again.
I was planning to debut my new basement song tonight....
"Jude?"
But you're gonna have to wait for the album for that one.
Jude felt the tears prickling her eyes.
It's just not where my heads at anymore....
"Jude? Are you okay?"
It's not where my heads at anymore...
Anymore....
Anymore...
"Jude?" Nicola stared at Jude in concern.
Jude blinked and met Nicola's gaze.
"Are you okay?" Nicola said, putting a reassuring hand on Jude's arm. Feeling her cheeks were wet, Jude sniffed and wiped her eyes and face with her sleeve. The coarse denim of her jacket made her cheeks raw and red, but all Jude cared about was not making a scene in front of her new manager. It's a bit late for that now isn't it? Jude scolded herself.
"I, I thought we were going to wait for the album for the basement song?" Jude stammered.
"That's what you told your fans at the release party," Nicola said. "But what's a better way to take over the UK than to perform the one song everybody's lusting after?"
Jude knew she was right. But she couldn't stand the thought of performing the 2AM without Tommy on piano.
"Well um, I'm not really very prepared," Jude said. "I haven't met my band yet, or settled in or anything."
Nicola's face fell. Jude could tell it was disappointment rather than anger. "Okay then," Nicola said quietly. "That's fine, um, you get settled in over the next few days and then we'll see about a performance."
Jude knew that was her cue to exit. "Okay," Jude replied softly. "Thank you." She stood up and made her way out of the door.
*****
"Sadie I don't know what to do!" Jude said exasperatedly.
"Look, you're just tired," Sadie said. "It hasn't exactly been the easiest couple of days."
Jude sighed and closed her eyes. Hearing Sadie's voice down the phone was a lot more reassuring than Jude had ever realised.
"How's Tommy?" Jude asked.
There was a long pause.
"He's uh," Sadie said slowly.
"Don't hide it from me Sade," Jude said bluntly.
"How do you expect he is Jude?" Sadie said.
Jude leant her head against the wall. She was back in her apartment now, in the same spot that just earlier that day she had been crying against.
"Well has he said anything...about me?" Jude pressed.
"No," Sadie replied. "He's not speaking to anyone."
"He could always speak to me?" Jude said, like the answer wasn't any more obvious.
"Really Jude? I don't think that would make it any better."
Jude heard footsteps from Sadie's end of the phone.
"Look Jude I have to go okay? Struggle through, and I'll call you tomorrow," Sadie said hurriedly.
"Wait Sadie!" Jude said. "Look, can you just tell Tommy something?"
"Sure."
"Just tell him that I love him. Please."
There was another long pause.
"Of course," Sadie said. "Bye."
Jude nursed her throbbing head and stood up. She paced a few times up and down the hall, and then grabbed her phone once more.
******
Tommy pushed open the GMajor doors onto the roof and walked across the car park. He stopped momentarily a few feet from his car, and, although before him was not his Viper, memories from Jude's 16th Birthday came flooding back.
There's not one thing I'd change about you
Tommy jumped at the sound of his cell phone beeping. He flipped the lid open and his heart skipped a beat.
1 new message.
From Jude. He swallowed hard, and pressed 'Read', walking to his car and climbing into the driver's seat. Daring himself to look at the message, his eyes scanned the screen and read slowly and carefully what Jude had written:
Hey. I'm sure I'm probably the last person you want to hear from right now but I need to know something. Can you call me? Please...I need you now more than ever Tommy. XXXX
Tommy sighed and started the engine, throwing the phone onto the passenger seat. Jude can wait til I get home he thought.
*******
Jude tossed and turned, rolling over onto her side again and shutting her eyes as tight as she could, praying for some sleep. Failing once again she rolled back onto her back and stared at the ceiling. Everything felt wrong. The bed was un-comfy, the house was alien to her, there was no Sadie in the next door bedroom, no Tommy a drive's length away, everything was new and scary. And Tommy still hadn't called. As if her thinking that triggered Tommy from the other side of the Atlantic to read her thoughts, her phone started beeping. Jude practically leaped out of bed and grabbed her cell off of the bedside cabinet.
"Tommy?" She said, out of breath at exerting herself all of a sudden so quickly.
"Jude?" Tommy's voice sent shivers down her neck. "Is this a bad time? You sound...breathless."
Jude caught on to Tommy's adding up of 'events' that Jude might be involved in. "What? No! No, I," she panted, "I was trying to sleep and then you rang and I jumped for my cell."
There was an awkward silence. "I got your text," Tommy said. He sounded sad. Jude swallowed hard to keep her emotions down.
"Yea," she said hoarsely. "I really needed to talk to you."
With no response from Tommy she continued.
"They want me to perform the basement song tomorrow night. As a, big launch for me coming to London," she explained.
Silence.
"Then perform it."
Did I just hear him say that? Jude thought.
"What?" Jude said.
"Jude, it's your song. If you want to perform it then perform it. What's the problem?"
"But, its...it's about you. I don't know it just...brings back memories that's all," Jude said quietly.
"You mean how I was going to perform it on piano with you. Blow everybody away with 2AM is what I said. If I remembered correctly," Tommy said.
It was Jude's turn to be silent.
"I'm sorry," Jude said finally, taking a deep breath and swallowing hard, trying to force the tears away.
"Me too," Tommy replied. "But I don't do the whole long distance call thing, so I better go. You hang in there," he said quickly.
"WAIT!" Jude said. "I love you," she said, smiling for the first time since she had arrived in London.
There was another silence.
"Tommy? Are you still there?"
"Goodbye Jude."
The line went dead.
- - -
Tommy closed his phone lid and closed his eyes. He hadn't been able to bring himself to say he loved Jude back. It was too soon, after everything that had happened. Instead, he reopened his phone and sent a text. Jude wouldn't get it til tomorrow morning, but he hoped it would be enough.
- - -
People can be scared of many things. And many things can be scary.
But sometimes you have to fight your fears, stand up to them.
"D!"
Tommy ran up to Darius as he was walking out of his office. He wanted to catch him before the day was up.
"I want to finish Karma's album."
Darius looked at him and smiled, putting a comforting hand on Tommy's shoulder. The text Tommy had sent earlier to Jude had helped him as much as he hoped it had helped Jude. As the day was ending for him, Jude's day was just beginning, and he hoped his text would be the first thing she saw when she woke up.
For others you have to not just fight your fears, but hide them. Bury your head in the sand.
"Hey Spiedy! How was your day?"
Karma gave Spied a hug as he pushed open the trailer door. He gave her a kiss on the lips and smiled.
"My day? It went perfect," he said.
"I'm recording a new record, Jamie thinks it's gonna be another hit," Spied said. Karma smiled and looked around at the trailer, at the boxes piled up around them.
"Did you tell him?" she asked tentatively.
Spied smiled. "I told him everything's fine," he said. "Because it is. We may not be living like rock stars, but that doesn't mean we are less happy. Right?"
Karma smiled and nodded her head. "Right."
I'm just scared of not being able to make it alone.
Jude flipped open her cell and read the text from Tommy. She smiled, and, slipping on her jacket hurried out the door to her performance. It was a good job she had stayed awake long enough last night to get the text before this morning. Lucky for her, she had read Tommy's text that night and stayed up doing exactly as Tommy had told her to:
Please know that I do love you Jude. I love you more than anything, and I know you know that. We both need time apart, and I know deep down that it will make us stronger. So do something for me. Be strong. Think about the memories, good and bad, because both the good and the ugly made us what we were together. They made a great 4 years between us something I wouldn't change for the world. So think of those memories, be strong, and live for every moment. I don't regret anything that's ever happened between us, because I know that one day we will find each other again. And I hold out all hope for that. I love you. Tommy. XXXXXX
"Jude!" Nicola gushed as Jude walked through the 02 stadium doors.
"Are you all set?" she said.
Jude had rushed to Bermanze Records at 7am that morning to give Nicola the music for the band to learn for tonight's performance.
"I'm as ready as I will ever be," Jude smiled, heading backstage for hair and makeup.
I might be scared of not making it alone. But I know that I will always have people watching my back, helping me out. And that is the best feeling in the world. Love is the cure for all fears. And if you can learn to love someone, there is never anything to be scared about.
Jude took a deep breath and stopped onto the stage to see the stadium below her screaming her name. The piano began playing and she closed her eyes and heard Tommy's voice in her head.
Think of those memories, be strong, and live for every moment.
Live for every moment.
Moment.
Moment.
Moment.
"So this is my new song," Jude said, her voice echoing as the crowd died down. "And it's called That Was Us." She smiled as she remembered Tommy clapping her into I'm In Love With My Guitar when she performed for her High School. As if Tommy was clapping her in now, she smiled down at all the faces, and began to sing.