The disclaimer telling all of you that I don't own any Archer characters is covered in maple syrup. Just some more madness from my tiny mind.
The Biggest Pancake In Blue Vista Springs
"I don't see how this is my problem," Cheryl spoke into a phone at her desk at the Figgis Agency. "I'm the head of the Tunt Corporation? Oh sure! Use that excuse!"
"What's going on?" Cyril asked as he walked up to Ray, Pam, Lana and Krieger in the bullpen.
"There's some new movie panels at Comic Con," Krieger said as he looked up from a paper. "And a sale at Lacey's!"
"I meant with the phone call!" Cyril pointed to Cheryl.
"Oh that," Krieger blinked. "I have no idea."
"I don't care how much money this guy has made for us," Cheryl said. "Oh, come on! He can't be that important! Blah! Blah! Blah! Look that's still no reason for me to interrupt my plans!"
"She has plans?" Lana blinked. "What? Is there a sale at the Elmer's glue factory?"
"Oh my God!" Cheryl was exasperated. "You are such a…. Fine! Fine! FINE! I will interrupt my busy, busy schedule to schlep on down and take care of it! Even though I'm paying you people to take care of my company! Oh really? Not enough? I can make sure it's a lot less! That's what I thought! Later bitch!"
Cheryl hung up the phone and made an exasperated sound. "Trouble?" Ray asked casually.
"Yeah," Cheryl said. "I need you guys to go and bail someone out for me."
"Who?" Lana asked. "And why?"
"One of my stupid board of directors got arrested in this town called Blue Vista Springs," Cheryl said. "It's some backwater where apparently he got picked up for embezzling. Not from me of course. From his yacht club where he's a member."
"Blue Vista Springs is only an hour from here," Cyril said. "From what I've heard it's a nice place. Beaches, golfing…"
"Who are you? One of those realtor guys on House Hunters?" Cheryl asked. "Apparently he's important or something to the board. I'll pay you guys ten grand to pay the fifty-thousand-dollar bail."
"I'm assuming you'll give us the fifty-thousand-dollar bail money," Cyril looked at her.
"Oh," Cheryl blinked. "That would help. Because you guys are dirt poor."
"We're not poor!" Lana snapped. "Middle class! Well most of us."
"This can't be the middle," Cheryl blinked.
"Some of us have no class," Ray quipped.
"What's the name of the guy we have to bail out?" Cyril sighed.
"It's…" Cheryl paused. "Hang on." She then took out her phone and called. "Hey, yeah it's me again. Who do I have to bail out? Oh. Him. Fine! I said I'd handle it! I will! I will!"
"She won't," Pam remarked.
"Fine!" Cheryl wrote down a name. "I said I'd do it! Asshole!" She hung up the phone. "Okay it's Charles Tunt-Summerton Smythe the Third."
"He's a Tunt and you didn't even know?" Ray asked.
"I didn't know which Tunt!" Cheryl protested. "I have a lot of uncles and cousins with different surnames okay?"
"Do you want me to drive you to Blue Vista Springs?" Cyril asked.
"Uh no," Cheryl said. "I'm not going to bail that asshole out. You guys go."
"So much for handling it," Ray groaned.
"And by handling it," Lana remarked. "She means we do."
"I called it," Pam said. "Then how the hell are we going to bail your uncle out?"
"Oh right," Cheryl blinked. "Hang on." She went to her purse and pulled something out. "This is a Tunt Corporation company card. You can use this for both the bail money and the payment. It's got a nearly unlimited credit amount."
"Wow," Cyril took the card. "Thanks Cheryl."
"Where are you going?" Pam asked.
"To get a spa treatment I booked for this morning," Cheryl said as she stood up. "I seriously need a mani-pedi!"
"Can I come?" Pam asked.
"No," Cheryl laughed as she grabbed her purse and left the building.
"Don't worry," Cyril said to Pam after Cheryl left hearing range. "If it will make you feel better I'm going to charge her twenty grand."
"That does make me feel better," Pam said.
"Well Figgis Agency," Cyril said. "We have a case!"
"So basically, we've sunk to becoming Cheryl's chore monkeys?" Lana asked.
"No, because monkeys don't complain as much as you!" Cyril snapped.
"What do you have to protest about this time?" Ray asked.
"I'm just sick of that rich airhead doing whatever she wants and getting away with it," Lana grumbled. "And I'm not going to be her errand girl."
"Fine!" Cyril snapped. "You can stay and answer the phone and Ray and I will go!"
"Why does he get to go?" Pam pointed to Ray.
"Yeah!" Krieger protested.
"It doesn't take four people to bail out one guy!" Cyril snapped.
Not long after…
"But of course," Cyril groaned as he rode in the front seat of the van. "All four of us have to go anyway."
"Road trip!" Krieger cheered as he sat in the back with Ray. "All aboard the Fun Train!"
"Toot! Toot!" Ray added.
"Aw come on Cyril," Pam said as she drove. "It'll be a fun day trip. Besides this Blue Vista Springs place is pretty happening. Tell 'em Ray."
"I checked it out," Ray took out his phone. "It's not just a playground for the idle rich. There's a really large artistic community there. This week alone they're having a huge art festival, a craft fair, a county fair and they're going to try and make the world's largest pancake! They're going for some kind of record. They also have these great food trucks…"
"Hang on," Cyril said. "What was that last part?"
"About the food trucks?" Pam asked.
"Before the food trucks!" Cyril said. "Something about a record for the world's largest pancake?"
"Apparently pancakes are big here in Blue Vista Springs," Ray said. "And they want to put this town on the map by making it bigger."
"Really? Okay…New plan!" Cyril grinned. "Before we bail this guy out we go to…Where is this pancake thing happening?"
"Blue Vista Springs Park," Ray said. "Why?"
"Remember a few years ago when we were in the desert and Archer got his taint bitten by that cobra?" Cyril said. "Remember what he said?"
"He did babble a lot about James Mason," Ray admitted.
"Before that!" Cyril said. "Archer said one of his life's goals was to eat some kind of giant food."
"And then kill you," Ray said.
"That's not…" Cyril began.
"You're right," Ray admitted. "He wanted to kill you first then eat the giant food."
"My point is!" Cyril snapped. "We swing by the fairgrounds. Have some of that giant pancake. Take plenty of pictures of us eating the giant pancake. And if Archer wakes up from his coma…"
"When Archer wakes up from his coma," Pam corrected.
"Fine! When he wakes up from his coma," Cyril rolled his eyes. "We show them to Archer and maybe it will trigger a jealousy induced aneurysm!"
"Let's see if I get this straight," Pam looked at him. "You want to let our client stew in jail so you can make a detour to eat some giant food as part of some weird pathetic way to get back at Archer? That's hilarious!"
"What part?" Krieger asked.
"All of it," Pam said. "Besides I want to eat a giant pancake."
"Me too," Krieger nodded.
"I admit I'm tempted," Ray shrugged. "But what about our client?"
"Oh please," Cyril waved. "He's a rich white-collar criminal in a rich white-collar jail in a rich white-collar town. What could possibly happen to him?"
Meanwhile back at the Figgis Agency…
"Nothing's happening here," Lana sighed as she worked on a crossword puzzle at Cheryl's desk. "Why did I stay behind? Oh right, I didn't want to get arrested again. Which odds are…?"
The phone rang. "This better not be another damn telemarketer," Lana grumbled as she picked up the phone. "Figgis Detective Agency, Lana speaking."
Cheryl's voice came through. "You're answering the phones? Hilarious!"
"Well somebody had to be responsible around here," Lana grumbled. "And since Cyril took everybody else to bail out your cousin or whatever…"
"Hang on," Cheryl said. "It takes four people to bail out one guy?"
"Apparently," Lana rolled her eyes. "I have to stay here in case something happens. Like they need bail for themselves or something. Anyway, they're off to Blue Vista Springs to spring…Is it your cousin or what?"
"Who remembers? About that," Cheryl was getting a pedicure and she had a green facial mask on as well as a bathrobe. "I kind of got the address mixed up. Charles Tunt-Summerton-Smythe isn't in Blue Vista Springs. He's in Red Vista Springs about three towns over. Not that there's that much of a difference."
Meanwhile in Red Vista Springs…
In a very dilapidated jail cell, a very well dressed thin nervous looking man with balding red hair was surrounded by a bunch of very muscular biker types. "You know what we do to people who embezzle money from their yacht club here in Red Vista Springs?" One huge muscular black biker snarled.
"Uh," Uncle Charles Tunt-Summerton-Smythe The Third gulped. "Throw them a party because you hate yacht clubs because of their discriminatory practices?"
"That is a remarkably good guess," The black biker blinked. "We are going to throw a party."
"Phew," Charles sighed.
"And you're the piñata," The black biker growled.
"MEEP!" Charles whimpered.
Back at the spa…
"I mean he was charged with stealing from his yacht club in Blue Vista Springs," Cheryl went on as she admired her nails. "But it was in Red Vista Springs he was busted in because he was embezzling from some other club. I think it was a cycling club. Something about bikes. So just call Cyril and tell him to go there. I gotta go."
Cheryl ended the call and looked at the familiar woman doing her feet. "Great job Chi! This really takes the stress out. Totally worth a thousand dollars."
Chi said some words in her native tongue to Cheryl. "Don't worry," Cheryl waved. "I can totally pay for it. I'll just use one of my corporate credit cards. I have like four or five of them. And my stupid accountant pays the bills. So, what's the problem?"
Somewhere in the Tunt Corporation…
"Yes, this is Mort Gimbleson," A nerdy accountant called up on the phone in his fancy office. "I'd like to order some of your lovely luxury bathrobes. Monogramed of course, with the MG label. Yes, you can check my account. Ooh, I've upgraded to super platinum status. Oh yes, I'll hold so you can check what perks I get. Yes, put it on my corporate credit card."
"Good thing I work for a rich bitch with more money than brains," Mort remarked as he drank some expensive champagne. "Ooh, that's good embezzlement champagne!"
Back at the Figgis Agency…
"Call Cyril and tell him to go there…" Lana mocked. "Who am I? The secretary? Oh, dear God I am…"
"I guess I should call Cyril," Lana paused. "Right after I use the bathroom. And get a drink. Or he could just call me. I mean he has to be at the jail by now so he's probably going to figure it out. He is Mr. Responsible."
Meanwhile in Blue Vista Spring Park.
"I can't believe we actually paid fifty bucks each just to eat a pancake," Ray remarked. They were sitting at a long table with pancake pieces eating them.
"It's for cancer research," Pam said. She had a T-Shirt on over her clothes saying I WAS AT THE BIG PANCAKE PARTY IN BLUE VISTA SPRINGS! "It's for a good cause."
"If you think about it," Cyril said. "We're actually doing some good! For a change!"
"I feel good about doing good," Krieger said. He also had a similar T-Shirt on. "And these shirts were only ten bucks!"
"Which we put on Cheryl's credit card," Ray pointed out. "So, for once Cheryl is contributing to charity whether she likes it or not."
"That just makes everything better," Cyril grinned.
"It does, doesn't it?" Pam grinned as she took out her phone. "Picture time again! Say pancake!"
"Pancake!" Everyone said as Pam took a selfie.
"Now to send this picture to my contact lists," Pam texted on her phone. "Including Archer's account. My bitch sister Edie's…She is really gonna be pissed she missed this."
"I feel like I actually achieved something today," Cyril grinned. "I really did!"
"You mean accomplishing one of Archer's fantasies before he did?" Ray asked. "So do I!"
"Me too!" Krieger grinned.
"It is pretty sweet I'll tell you that," Pam snickered. "Seriously this pancake is a little too sweet. Still good but…"
"What are you talking about?" A heavyset brown-haired woman with a ponytail snapped. She was sitting across from Pam. "This pancake ain't too sweet! It's a little heavy but not sweet!"
"It's not heavy at all!" Pam snapped. "It's too sweet!"
"You're crazy!" The woman snapped. "It's heavy!"
"No, it's light but too sweet!" Pam snapped back.
"It's fine but too heavy!" The woman snapped.
"You do realize you're arguing about pancakes, right?" Cyril asked.
"Shut it Cyril!" Pam snapped.
"He does have a point Sam," A nerdy looking black man in a sweater vest and glasses spoke to the heavyset woman.
"Shut up Simon!" Sam snapped. "Rieger! Faye! Back me up on this!"
"Uhhhh…." A tall clean-shaven male with blonde hair and a blonde-haired woman sitting next to Simon paused.
"Krieger! Ray! Tell the bitch with no taste buds I'm right!" Pam snapped.
"Uhhhhh…" Krieger and Ray paused.
"I'm right!" Sam snapped.
"The hell you are!" Pam snapped.
"Again," Simon said. "It's just a pancake."
"Let it go Pam!" Cyril pleaded. "Please!"
"Hey! If there's one thing people from Wisconsin know, its our pancakes!" Pam snapped.
"Please! Illinois is the place to go for pancakes!" Sam snapped.
"Bear Bait!" Pam snapped.
"Cheese Head!" Sam snapped.
"Uh oh," Krieger and Rieger gulped.
"Oh Dukes…" Ray groaned. "Here we go!"
"Ah Duchess," The blonde woman with a New York accent groaned. "Sam's gonna start another brawl!"
"Please!" Pam snorted. "This ding dong is too chicken to even…"
WHAP!
Pam turned and saw Sam had thrown a pancake on her face. "OH, IT'S ON BITCH!" She grabbed some pancakes and used them like throwing stars.
"AAAHHH!" Sam screamed as the pancakes hit her.
"AAAAAAAHHH!" Pam tackled Sam. "FOOD FIGHT!"
"Sorry," Simon apologized.
"It's okay," Cyril sighed.
"We totally get it," Ray sighed.
"Good," Faye said.
Then they started throwing pancakes at each other. "Under the table?" Krieger asked his clean-shaven doppelganger.
"Yes! Yes! Yes!" Rieger said as they both ducked under.
Half an hour and a visit from the local police and the National Guard later…
"Well it wouldn't be an outing if we didn't get kicked out of at least one place," Ray quipped as they walked by the docks. They were covered in pancakes and maple syrup.
"We're lucky we didn't get arrested," Krieger added.
"Luck had nothing to do with it," Pam snorted. "We slipped out the back when the National Guard brought out the tear gas."
"Did you have to start a food fight Pam?" Cyril asked.
"Hey! That bitch started it! I just finished it!" Pam snapped. "Look at it this way, we achieved two world records. Biggest Pancake eaten in the world and biggest food fight in the US."
"Just the US?" Ray asked.
"Spain has the record with that tomato festival," Krieger explained.
"Oh right," Ray nodded. "Still it was fun."
"Speaking of fun!" Krieger pointed. "Look at that!"
There was a medium sized charter boat at the docks with a sign. "Cruise Blue Vista Cove," Ray read. "You want to go on a boat cruise?"
"I've always wanted to go on one of those things," Krieger said.
"Me too," Pam realized.
"Krieger, we can't," Cyril said.
"Why not?" Krieger snapped. "We did what you wanted! And Pam."
"He's got us there," Pam admitted.
"No, we don't have time…" Cyril began.
"Oh, come on Cyril," Pam said. "It's only a 45-minute cruise. At thirty dollars each you can afford it."
"I can't pay that kind of money," Cyril said.
"Let me be more specific," Pam said. "Cheryl's credit card can afford it."
"And they serve alcohol on the cruise," Krieger added.
"Weeeeeelll…" Cyril paused.
Twenty minutes later…
"Two more scotch on the rocks!" Cyril called out to the deckhand taking orders as the Figgis Agency sailed around the harbor. "And light on the rocks!"
"These shots of these fancy homes are great!" Pam said. "Too bad I don't have any bars to send them."
"It's not the end of the world to be offline for an hour," Ray said as he sipped his drink.
Meanwhile…
"Pam, call me back," Lana called from her phone. "There's been a change of plans. Okay. Bye."
She hung up her phone. It was revealed that she was in a nice restaurant. "Oh well. I'm sure she'll call back. Might as well enjoy a long lunch. Not like anyone is going to call the agency anyway."
Meanwhile back at the Figgis Agency…
"Hello?" Mallory's voice was heard over the answering machine. "Hello? Carol? Lana? Cyril? Anybody? Where the hell are you idiots? And why did I get a picture of Pam with a giant pancake?"
Back to Blue Vista Springs…Sometime later…
"What a lovely little shopping district," Cyril said. The gang had bought new clothes (mostly shorts and T-shirts) and changed into them. Ray, Krieger and Cyril were standing outside looking at the water and boats. And eating ice cream cones.
"I know right?" Ray said as he finished his cone. "A lot of these coastal towns have charming little shops. Just shows what you can find when you get out of LA."
"And the ice cream was amazing," Cyril said. "And look at that water! It's just so peaceful here! And these are nice summer clothes."
"I had fun today," Krieger grinned. "I really had fun today!"
"So did I," Cyril said. "We don't have enough fun."
"Especially you," Ray quipped.
"Well you're not wrong," Cyril admitted. "But today I really did! Even with the riot."
"We really needed this day out," Krieger said as he finished his ice cream cone.
"We really did," Ray agreed. "Especially when Cheryl is technically paying for it. Where's Pam?"
"In that store," Cyril pointed. "It was her turn to use the credit card."
"Oh right," Ray realized. "She finished her cone first."
"Hey guys!" Pam came out wearing a blue T-shirt and jean shorts. "This place is great!" She held several bags in her hands.
"Looks like you barely got anything," Ray said dryly.
"Oh, I bought more than this. This store ships items to places," Pam grinned. "I sent my sister Edie a snow globe with a lighthouse in it saying Welcome to Blue Vista Springs, an extra-large pancake shirt, a pen and some stationery."
"You sent your sister gifts even though you two don't get along?" Krieger asked.
"It's her birthday in about a week," Pam said. "I always like to send her something from places where I've been and she hasn't!"
"That's both sweet and horrible," Ray said. "I like it!"
"God, I love having a corporate credit card," Pam smiled. "What did we ever do without it?"
"I know what I'd like to do with it," Ray grinned.
"Ray no!" Cyril protested.
"It's my turn to pick something!" Ray protested. "Fair is fair!"
"Okay Billie Jean what do you want to do?" Cyril sighed.
"We-ll," Ray paused.
A half hour later the gang was getting manicures and pedicures at a nice little day spa. "This was a great idea," Pam grinned.
"I admit I was skeptical," Cyril looked at his hands. "But my hands have never looked or felt better."
"I agree," Krieger said. "You can get lab callouses so fast."
"I so needed this," Ray sighed.
"And you know what else we need after this?" Pam suggested.
Sometime later…
"Now that was a good lobster," Pam grinned as the gang finished their dinner outside in a nice seafood restaurant.
"All the food was good," Cyril said as he worked on the bill. "Should I give the waitress a twenty percent tip or twenty-five?"
"Go for thirty," Ray said. "She was good to us and Cheryl's paying for it."
"Good idea," Cyril did so. The waitress came by and took the check. "Where do you want to go after this?"
"I don't know," Ray sighed. "Maybe take a look by the beach and watch the sunset?"
"I can't remember having a day this good," Pam said. "See this is what we should be doing! Getting out of the office. Seeing the sights."
"I didn't even know this place existed. Why did we come down here again?" Krieger asked.
"Uh oh…" Cyril realized something.
"Dukes…" Ray winced.
"Whoops," Pam said as she looked at her phone. "Well this explains why I got so many messages from Lana on my phone. What? We were having such a good time I just sent them off to voice mail."
"Oh for crying out…" Cyril began. His phone rang and he answered it. "Hello?"
"Cyril! Did you bail Tunt out of jail yet?" Lana asked.
"Not yet," Cyril coughed. "We ran into some trouble. We're in Blue Vista Springs so…"
"Yeah well you need to go to Red Vista Springs!" Lana said. "That idiot Cheryl gave us the wrong town."
"RED VISTA SPRINGS?" Cyril shouted. "WHY DIDN'T YOU CALL US EARLIER?"
Lana snapped. "I did call you! For some reason your phone…Why did Pam just send me a text message with pictures of her eating a giant pancake?"
"Uh…" Cyril paused.
"And now I have pictures of all of you in some kind of boat," Lana told him. "Drinking… And…Is that a lighthouse? And are you drinking?"
"Oh, we're experiencing technical difficulties!" Cyril said quickly. "I'll call you back!" He shut off the phone. "Change of plans."
Much later at Red Vista Springs…
"Boy this dump is really different that Blue Vista Springs," Pam looked at the dilapidated jailhouse in the run-down town.
"I liked driving through Purple and Yellow Vista Springs better," Krieger admitted.
"Let's just hurry up and bail this guy out," Cyril sighed.
A few minutes later…
"What do you mean we can't bail out Charles Tunt-Summerton Smythe the Third?" Cyril asked the sheriff at the front desk. "What are we too late to post bail?"
"Oh, it's not too late to post bail," The Sheriff said. "I mean it's too late because the guy you want is dead."
"What?" Everyone gasped.
"What happened?" Ray asked.
"Turns out folks don't take kindly to embezzlers in this town," The Sheriff shrugged. "Especially the Death Hawks. Whose 401Ks got ripped off by this same guy."
"Please tell me Death Hawks is a name of a wussy alternative band," Pam groaned.
"That would be the Death Bunnies," The sheriff told her. "Death Hawks are a ruthless biker gang that make the Sons of Anarchy look like the Brady Bunch."
"Oh no…" Cyril winced.
"Oh yeah," The Sheriff shrugged. "Let's just say they turned the guy into a human piñata. Trust me, that's not a good way to go."
"It figures," Cyril groaned.
"Well that'll put a crimp on our perfect day," Pam complained.
"We're not getting paid, are we?" Ray groaned.
"Relax," Cyril waved. "That was the first thing I put on the card. In hindsight, giving us a thirty percent tip might have been premature."
"You can claim what's left of the body if you want," The Sheriff suggested.
"What are we going to do with a corpse?" Ray asked.
"Oooh!" Krieger beamed.
"As soon as I asked the question…" Ray groaned. "NO!"
"Forget it Krieger!" Cyril snapped.
"You guys are no fun," Krieger pouted.
"Can you Federal Express the body or something?" Cyril asked.
"For an extra two grand we'll send it to the Eiffel Tower in Paris if you want," The Sheriff said.
"That's reasonable," Cyril said. "Where should we send it guys?"
"I guess the funeral home in Blue Vista Springs," Ray shrugged.
"You take credit cards do you?" Cyril asked.
"Yup," The Sheriff took it. "Ooh! Corporate card! And it went through. A lot of times these don't. Okay…I'll put you down for the deluxe shipping package."
"Thanks," Cyril sighed. "Well gang now what do we do?"
"New plan," Ray said. "I say we go back to Blue Vista Springs and spend the night in a good hotel before going back home."
"I'm all for that," Krieger admitted.
"What are we gonna do when Cheryl finds out her uncle is dead? Not to mention the fact we blew through that credit card she gave us?" Pam asked.
"The same thing we always do," Krieger said. "Give her enough booze, glue and drugged up gummy bears until she forgets everything but her name."
"And even then, sometimes she does," Ray admitted.
"Plus, Cheryl never even looks at her bills," Pam said. "She gives them to some accountant of hers."
"What if he catches this and brings it to her attention?" Cyril asked.
"Then we're screwed," Pam snorted. "Unless he's crooked."
Back at the Tunt Corporation…
"Where should I go for my weekend getaway with my secretary?" Mort looked at his travel plans. "Oh, I know! Blue Vista Springs! That's a lovely town where almost nobody I know goes. Plus, they have shopping which will make her happy."
"That's what I love about working for Cheryl Tunt. I can pretty much do whatever I want because that crazy spoiled princess never even looks at her bills. And with the corporation making so much money I'm golden until retirement."
"Unless somebody honest gets a hold of her credit cards," Mort realized. "Then I'm screwed."