Author's Note: Now I know when I first wrote Berry's Blood I was like "this is ridiculous, why am I even writing this", but this story takes the cake. Berry's Blood is entirely tame compared to this story. I am absolutely positive that I have never written something as weird as what you see here.
Wait.
That's not entirely true, I can think of a few things.
But this is up there. Way up there.
It all started, as these things so often do, when I was bored on tumblr so I put up a request for someone to give me a writing prompt and I'd write a fanfic about it. An anonymous poster gave me this: "Faberry and Brittana must battle their way through a sea of bouncing penises and boobs."
And so... I wrote it.
And this is it.
I don't own Glee or anything relating to this story. Thankfully.
"We have to do what with the what now?" Quinn asked, pausing in her re-lacing of her gauntlets with a wince of disgust and disbelief.
"You heard me. There's a couple hundred dicks and tits blocking our path out of here," Santana growled, adjusting her binoculars to see further down the ravine. Brittany, who was sitting on the battlements next to Santana, stopped swinging her legs idly and pulled herself to her feet to also peer over the parapets of their hideout.
"Yeah, those things look pretty pissed," She reported back down to the ground level.
"How can you tell?" Rachel asked from the floor as she laced up her knee-high, steel-toed combat boots. She had borrowed them from Santana, who had a surplus of them.
"It's like Coach Sylvester always said," Brittany shrugged. When nobody else knew what she was referring to, she motioned down to the narrow path through the cliffs. "They're lactating with rage." Santana couldn't help but smirk slightly, but Quinn just put a hand to her face and sighed.
"Rachel," Quinn turned her attention to the brunette, who had just finished brushing the dirt off herself. "What do we have as far as weaponry?"
"Well, Santana has her blades, so she'll be fine." Santana patted her hair proudly. "As for us, we're nearly out of artillery. We should thin them out with as many cannonballs as possible and then we can charge through. There are some swords for Brittany, and I know that you prefer your axes. As for me, I'll stay back and barrage them from here and follow you in the van."
Brittany did a fist pump at the mention of swords, but Quinn still seemed tentative. "And you're sure we can't stay here? I mean they haven't gotten in…"
"We're all out of food," Brittany called matter-of-factly.
"Brittany's right. We're out of supplies," Rachel sighed. "You know we would stay here if we could, but if we don't move on soon we'll be overrun." Brittany hopped off of the battlements, giving Santana a hand to help her down as soon as she had her binoculars clipped back onto her belt.
Quinn turned away from Rachel's earnest look, Crossing her arms and tapping her foot in thought. Finally she turned on her heel and faced the other three. "Alright, meet in the front gate in twenty minutes. We need to get out of here before sunrise."
"What happens when the sun comes up?" Brittany asked.
Quinn and Rachel looked at each other. "Morning wood," they said in unison. A frightening prospect, given what they were up against.
Thirty minutes later, Quinn approached the main door from the direction of the armory, two large axes strapped to her back.
"Took longer than twenty minutes to get "prepared", huh Quinn?" Santana scoffed, shifting her weight off the wall she had been pushed up against seconds before. Apparently all four of them had the same idea when Quinn had given her deadline. Quinn only wiped her lips on her gauntlet as a response before replacing her crimson bandana over her mouth. It went without saying that armor took a lot longer to get back on once it was off.
The sound of a cannon firing ripped through the area, catching all of their attention. Seconds later it hit the ground beyond the gate. Rachel was already firing from above them.
"She's got seven cannonballs in there, we open the gates at the third shot," Quinn ordered. She and Brittany went to either side of the gate where the cranks were; Santana would need to defend them both until the gate was fully up.
"I'll also be providing support from the back lines. Masks on, ladies. Don't get cocky out there," Rachel said over the walkie-talkie clipped to Quinn's belt. Santana groaned at the pun even as she put on her nurses mask. Brittany lowered her goggles over her eyes and blew a kiss to Santana as another cannonball fired.
"Alright, Start raising the gate," She called to the other two members of the Unholy Trinity even as the second cannonball hit the ground outside. They began to turn the large cranks that controlled the gate. They were red in the face when the massive wooden door began to raise. Santana armed herself by raking a hand through her hair, coming out with razor blades between each finger. In her other hand she drew a Katana from her side.
The sound was the first thing to come into focus; the horrible noise of rubbery flesh bouncing against stone, or landing in puddles of what the girls could only hope was rainwater from the day before. As the door slowly opened, their opponents seemed to turn their attention to the opening gate, distracted from the cannonballs being fired above. The bouncing beyond the gate increased. They were charging the slowly opening gate.
Santana charged forward as massive orbs of breasts bounced their way under the door. She slashed in an arch, Razorblades digging into the fleshy exterior of the first breast, which burst in a flurry of multicolor confetti and lukewarm milk.
Because that's what happened when these things were defeated.
She turned and stabbed her Katana through the next massive boob, using the momentum of her sword to sling it away from her and knock a large penis back from underneath the door. The two collided and exploded in similar liquids and confetti. Santana continued in this manner, slashing and slicing the genitals away. The splattering fluids and moist confetti began to litter the entryway, but all three of them were careful to keep their facemasks on. As the volume of opposing dicks and breasts began to increase, Santana found herself becoming quickly overwhelmed. The genitals were swarming, trying to get their fluids into any orifice they could reach. She jumped away and threw aside her razorblades, drawing a small dagger from her thigh before jumping back into the fray.
The third cannonball fired. A chunk of the ravine that bordered their escape route was upheaved, causing a sudden rush of rocks to flood into the entryway. The genitals turned and tried to escape, but the landslide brought them down.
"The next wave is on it's way! Go!" Rachel's voice crackled. The door was only halfway open, but they could see the incoming swarm further down the path.
"Rachel, if we stop now you won't be able to get the van through!" Quinn said into the walkie, continuing to push the wooden crank to raise the door. Brittany had stopped pushing, however, already at Santana's side. Her twin rapiers were already drawn, lancing a breast that had fallen but hadn't popped yet.
"Quinn, we're only going to get a few seconds! Come on!" Santana called. A sudden splatter nearby signaled that the dicks were firing at them. They were getting too close.
"Just go, Quinn! I'll only be a few seconds behind you!"
Momentarily torn, Quinn looked from out in the ravine to the stairs back up to the armory, where Rachel would be manning the cannons.
"Quinn, don't you dare!" Santana warned. But Quinn was already at the foot of the stairs, taking them two at a time. "God damn it! Quinn!"
"You'd have done the same thing if it were me," Brittany called, already outside of the gate and ready for the next wave. "We better clear them a path, or they'll be pissed!"
Quinn reached the armory as soon as the fourth cannonball was fired, bursting in the door in time to see the cannon fly backwards. She was momentarily deafened by the loud noise. Through the small window in the fortress she could see another rockslide rushing down into the ravine, crushing penises and breasts alike. Before she could load the next projectile Quinn's hand was wrapped around Rachel's wrist.
"I told you to go!" Rachel frowned.
"You expect me to actually leave you behind?" Quinn said loudly over the sound of battle. That or her ears were still ringing, giving her no sense of volume. Rachel's frown slowly turned into a smile, but then she looked to the three cannonballs remaining. "Don't worry about those, someone else might need them. Come on, let's go!" Quinn gave her a tug. Before they reached the van Rachel had grabbed the only weapons within arms reach; the Sais that Kurt had left behind when he went after Blaine. She had to return them.
"Well shit," Santana growled as the circle of bouncing genitals began to inch closer to the pair of sword-wielding women that were now back-to-back. Whenever they stabbed through one it seemed as though two more took it's place. Santana felt something touch against her arm and expected to find a massive dick trying to smear it's fluid against her. But instead it was Brittany's outstretched pinkie, dripping from all of the genitals she had destroyed.
Santana looked up at Brittany, who glanced back and smiled beneath her bandana. Santana could see the sincerity in her eyes, and despite the situation they were in, she smiled back.
And then she locked her pinkie in Brittany's.
With a sudden surge of power the two jumped into action, slashing and stabbing with their interlocked hands leading. Brittany's flowing motions and artful maneuvering guided them, while Santana's power and decisive strikes took down their enemies one by one. They worked their way out of the crowd of dicks, leaving a trail of rainbow confetti and sticky liquid in the wake of their intricate dance. When they reached a clearing in the battlefield, Brittany pulled Santana around to in front of her and they sheathed their swords on the other's belt.
"Touche," Santana whispered.
"En garde," Brittany whispered back. For a moment there was nothing except the other.
The sound of a car horn echoed through the ravine, breaking their concentration. The van, a rusty white dodge that was popular in the seventies, came barreling down the path. As it reached Santana and Brittany it spun around, knocking several dicks that were about to strike away from the couple. The side door panel slid open and Quinn put out a hand to the two of them.
"You two are so in love it's sickening," Quinn remarked as Rachel turned the van around again.
"Says the girl who went back," Santana replied. Quinn said nothing, instead causing several breasts to explode with a swing of her axes out of the open car door. Rachel turned on her window wipers to get the liquid and confetti out of her line of sight.
"We're almost out!" She called back to the others. The end of the ravine was in sight with the sunrise beyond it. Now that they had the added power of the van they were barreling through the opposing forces like they were water balloons. It could be argued that they were, of course, but—
"Hang on!" Rachel shouted, turning the wheel violently. The van spun out, the wheels having no traction due to the slick fluids coating them. Suddenly the world was a blur of confusion. The van was on its side in a moment. Quinn was nowhere to be seen. The van continued to slide for a few seconds before it came to a halt, a mess of supplies and bodies.
Quinn had been thrown out of the moving vehicle due to the momentum, hitting cold stone. For a moment she thought she would just lie there and how nice it would be to rest finally, after weeks of stress. Maybe is she slept she would find Kurt, and then all of this craziness would be over. She thought she could hear someone yelling, but slowly it became a dull buzz.
Suddenly she found her eyes were open. It was as if she was watching herself in the third person as she got to her feet again, unhinging one of the axes from her back. Her face was bloody, or perhaps that was just semen. She couldn't quite tell, but the genitals were swarming the upturned van, and one monstrous penis had come into view. She readied herself, then charged into the fray—
And then her eyes opened again. This time, she was in the darkness. Her head was resting on a pillow, and she found herself under sheets. For a moment she was confused as to where she was, but a sudden blue light and a dull vibration nearby illuminated her bedroom.
She glanced to the clock. 4:23AM.
She looked back to her glowing phone, which sat quietly for a moment. She was trying to remember the details of her dream, but they were hazy at best.
Then suddenly her phone vibrated again. She sighed and got up out of bed, still groggy, and retrieved the cell phone. Someone was upset, it seemed, if they were texting her multiple times at once.
She had received three texts.
One was from Rachel Berry, one was from Brittany S. Pierce, and another was from Santana Lopez. They all said the same thing, albeit in different ways.
"I just had the strangest dream," Rachel's said. "Very Freudian. You were in it."
Brittany had asked, "Do you think San would like taking classes in synchronized sword fighting? Do they have those?"
And finally Santana's read, "Just had a dream with you, Brit and Rachel in it, we were kicking the shit out of dicks."
Quinn paused on Santana's message, but before she could reply Santana had sent a follow-up.
"Yeah, I guess that seems pretty fitting."