Empty chairs, Empty tables.
(While reading I recommend you listen to empty chairs and empty tables by the original London cast of Les Miserables. )
I sit silently staring at the table that once held so many happy memories, now it is just a reminder of what I have lost.
000
This poor table, every day it suffers our presence. The suns out today, but being who we are we order to stay indoors. I pull out my cards after we've finished eating.
"Yes, you brought the cards!" Clove exclaims.
I laugh "Well you said you wanted to play cheat."
Johanna and Glimmer laugh.
I lean forward as I deal the cards-1,2,3-me,1,2,3-me,1,2,3-me... I continue until we all have the right amount of cards. Clove has her turn first.
I think she's cheating but I don't say so- I don't want to be the first to stuff up. No one speaks, Glimmers turn, hmmm she's not good at lying, I don't know, she doesn't look like she's lying.
"Cheat!"
We all turn to Johanna, then Clove and I look back at Glimmer.
She just laughs "Nope."
Johanna picks up the card and has her turn. And so we play for a while. Clove's turn, Glimmer's turn, Johanna's turn, my turn. Clove, Glimmer, Johanna, me.
We only play one game of cheat.
"What do we have next?" I ask no one in particular.
"English." Clove answers.
I'm lucky, I have wonderful friends, they've supported me so much through the DV I've lived through at home, the depression, anxiety and PTSD has been hard and they've help in every way they can. My friends are amazing, we work well together, but we can still have fun in class. I'm almost never in a negative mood around them and we are all constantly laughing, yet at the same time we can have a serious discussion, or a debate about politics or religion,or even just discuss such topics. I am so lucky to have such amazing friends.
000
The room is cold and I should be in class, but since the accident I haven't been able to focus properly, in this room, with these empty chairs and tables I feel closest to them. There are about 5 tables in the room but the one in the corner was our table. I wish I could have saved them. The pain is sometimes unbearable, I have PTSD... Another lot, not from when my mother tried to kill my father, but from the accident. Each night I wake to my own screaming, covered in sweat, short of breath. Every night I scream for them to run, for em to help me move them, I scream for them to stay with me and every night when I wake up I still see their blood on my hands, until it disappears. Sometimes I'll have a good dream about them, about us sitting at our tables playing cards, or just talking-a dream of us doing everything and nothing. When I wake from those dreams I'm happy... For about 5 seconds until I realise that will never happen again, I am never going to sit with them at that table and laugh with them. I'm never going to see them again. I often forget who knows and who doesn't, so when I'm asked about my friends- "Hows Clove?" "What was that girls name? The one you were telling me about last month." "Did you do that project with Glimmer or Johanna?" - my heart stops and I have to fight tears and terror. It's hard to fight it, it claws at my throat and stops my breathing for a moment.
Tears roll down my cheeks silently, and sobs rack my body. I curl up on the floor, I'm not sure why I curl up so much, it doesn't feel right to sit normally when on the inside I feel like I'm falling apart, crumbling into a million tiny pieces. It is too hard to explain to someone how I feel, and the only people I want to talk to, who could make me feel better or get a laugh out of me... Are dead.
000
In health we always talk about mental health. It's so annoying, "depression is bad for you." "Should we pay attention to the medias image of the perfect body?"
The teacher stand at the front of the class. I'm slummed in a seat at one of the long tables by myself.
"Who thinks they might have a mental health issue?" The teacher asks.
Almost everyone puts their hand up which is extremely surprising, a few don't. For whatever reason the teacher decides to ask me why I don't think I have one... What kind of question is that?
"I don't THINK I have one I KNOW I have a few." Is my response.
"Sorry? Katniss I'm not sure I know what you mean."
I roll my eyes " I have depression, anxiety, c-PTSD and PTSD."
"Oh..."
"Oh- that's all you can say. Would you like to know why I have them? I have them because I saw my mother try and kill my father, I saw her abuse him so often it wasn't funny. I dealt with so much when that happened and the only people that could make me feel happy are dead. I watched them die!" I'm crying now but for whatever reason I don't care "we were on the bus, I don't know what it hit but we had an accident. When I got up for. The opposite end of the bus that I was sitting on, I saw Johanna lying in the path way to the back row. When I went up to her I saw her skull had collapsed on her forehead, there was a pulse, and within a minute she stopped breathing, I tried CPR but she didn't start breathing again. She died while I had my hand on her! I started crying and heard Glimmer- I saw her hand and thought she was ok until I saw the pole that had gone through her, in her stomach and out her back!" A few people gasp. "I cried more and I told her I didn't know what to do. You know what she said? She said "it's ok, I knowing going to die." I think she was numb or something because she didn't look like she was in pain at all. I called the ambulance and told her she just had to stay awake until they came. She these for my hand and said it's ok. While I held her hand I though of Clove and told Glimmer that I had to get Clove. When I found her she had a huge piece of glass in her throat. There was blood everywhere. I grabbed her and dragged her off the bus, then did the same with Glimmer. I told them I could leave Johanna on the bus, so I got her too. I held thief hands as they died. She Glimmer died, Clove and I cried and I looked over at her and told her she just had to wait for the ambulance and she'd be alright, but by the time the ambulance arrived, she was dead and they couldn't save her. Now all I do is feel crappy, I cry all the time and wake up every night after seeing them die over and over. While I'm waking up I see their blood on my hands. She I'm not crying or doing something I'm always trying to think my way put of the situation. I'll forever live that day, thinking of things I could have done differently. More than that though, I want to know why they died and I didn't." I stop talking because it's getting are to breath. I stand and walkout of the room as though nothing happened.
000
I bump into a girl and I think it's Clove for a moment. Not again, I constantly see them in anyone with a similar feature as they had. Phantom faces everywhere. They often talked about what their lives would be like as adults... Though none of that will ever happen for them. I can hear them saying things to me, talking amongst one another. When your friends die, you feel more lonely than someone would as the last man on earth.
My fiends, forgive me, for you and dead and I am not, for you have surpassed your last breath and I still have many ahead of me.
I sit staring at the empty chairs and empty tables, where my fiends will sing no more, now my friends are dead and gone.
What I have is a grief that can not be spoken. The pain goes on and on I want to escape. The only people I want to talk to about the death of my friends is... My friends.
000
I am sorry I couldn't save you, I am sorry you didn't finish school or get the lives you dreamt of. I am sorry that I have not joined you in death, but my friends, I shall see you again one day and we can sit at the table again. No more will their be empty chairs and empty tables.
Hope you enjoyed this fanfic. My inspiration was "Empty chairs and Empty tables". Please review and let me know what you think.