Time.
It used to pass so slowly. But now it just seems to be speeding past me, not stopping at start and collecting its 200, just flying past my eyes. Two months have already passed, but yet where am I? Still in the same position as I was when I found out about this bloody deal. Terrified and lost.
I've looked through hundreds of books, surfed through thousands of websites, but where has it got me? Nowhere. All I have gained is an unbelievable sense of frustration and so many headaches I've lost count. I feel so useless, so hopeless. I can't lose him. Dean is not going to hell, especially not because of me. I'm not surprised by the way deans reacting to all this. He just grins and makes everything into the next punch line of the very heartbreaking joke that has recently become our lives. But I know that deep down he's quaking, he's scared and terrified, probably even more than me. Because even though I am scared down to my deepest foundations of dean going to hell. Dean is faced with the reality of this, and that is so much worse then what I am feeling.
God!! Why did he have to do this? Why did he have to make that stupid deal with the crossroads demon for me? It would be better for me to be dead, then for him to be facing this. Anything but this.
But even though it breaks my heart that he's done this, I understand why. I understand why he sold his soul so that I could live. He did it because he's my brother and there is nothing that he would not do for me. I just don't think that he understands that I would do anything for him.
I will get him out of this deal, whatever it takes. Because he's my brother.