So. I am back to publishing after forever. I blame Infinity War. This is a pretty rough version of what I think would kind of be Thor's thoughts after the end of the movie. I just have lots of feelings I need to share. I'm still so shook.
Any and all errors are mine. I don't own the characters, if I did, Infinity War would not have turned out the way it did.
It was hard knowing that he failed everyone. He literally had Thanos within grasp and the ax pushed into his flesh, and yet, he still failed. Those few precious seconds when they were looking into each other's eyes and Thanos was whispering words to him, he could have ended it all. He could have withdrawn the ax and tried again. He could have grabbed at the gauntlet and made it impossible for Thanos to do what he did.
Instead he was arrogant. He thought that he could end it all, especially after he nearly died to get his hands on Stormbreaker. He was doing it for his people. He was doing it for Heimdall. He was doing it for Loki. He was doing it for everybody that he lost. He was doing it for the few Asgardian people that were left. He was doing it for the Avengers. For the Guardians. For the whole universe. For himself.
But he failed. Thanos was able to fulfill his plan. He watched, almost like it was in slow motion as Thanos lifted up his hand and pressed on the gauntlet. He was too late to do anything. And then he lost more. He didn't think that he could. He even told the rabbit that he didn't have anything else to lose. And somehow, he was wrong. Not only that, but his friends lost people. He could have prevented others from losing everything like he did, but he didn't. Instead he trusted in his own power too much, just like he did before he became King. He could almost hear the disapproving tone of Odin telling him that he wasn't worthy. He wasn't worthy of the throne. He couldn't save his people. Or his friends. Or even his own brother.
He could barely stand there as he saw the others mourning the ones he lost. There was a weight on his shoulders that felt heavy enough to push him through the ground to the center of the earth. He almost wished that he was one of those who disappeared so he wouldn't have to feel this crushing guilt anymore. But that was selfish. Yet another reason that he was not worthy.
"You can't put this all on yourself, you know," a voice says, breaking through his thoughts. He looks up, meeting Steve's gaze, almost flinching away at the pain that he finds in them.
"Actually I can," he replies, letting out a humorless chuckle. "It's all my fault so it's only fair that it all is on me." He turns away, glancing down at Stormbreaker on the ground. His fingers twitch, wanting to call it into his hand, but he clenches his fist together. He isn't worthy to wield that anymore. He probably wasn't worthy in the first place. He turns away, fighting against the tight feeling in his chest to take a breath. A hand on his shoulder stops his progress.
"Thor, no one could have known," Steve says, his voice earnest. Thor doesn't have to listen hard to hear the pain lacing his tone. He shakes off Steve's hand, feeling like it was burning him.
"I knew that I was the only chance of stopping him, and yet he was still victorious. I do not see how that could be anyone's fault but mine." With that, he walks away farther into the forest. He longs for the days when he could call on Heimdall to take him home to Asgard.
"Thor, what happened? Where did they go?" a voice asks him. Rocket bounds up in front of him, the loss that Thor feels reflected in his eyes.
"They are gone, Rabbit," Thor replies. Rocket flinches away from his words, shaking his head.
"No, they can't be gone," he says, his voice soft, his whiskers twitching.
"Groot can't be gone. I just got him back." His words add more weight to Thor's already heavy shoulders. He does not know how to comfort the creature, not sure how to tell him that he had a chance to save the tree and he didn't.
He walks on, pushing aside branches and stepping over roots until he comes to the edge of a cliff with a view overlooking more of Wakanda. He stands there, motionless, losing track of time as he once again gets lost in his thoughts.
He knows that it will do him no good to sit lost in his mind forever. There had to be some way to reverse what happened. He wasn't sure how exactly to do it, but he knew that he would not rest until it was done. He would not fail next time, not again. He would get everyone back that they lost, no matter the consequences to him. He would not let Thanos escape a second time, the Titan was right, he would go for the head. He would make him pay for everything that he did. A rush of anger flows through him, electricity crackling in his fingers.
He quickly turns back, walking through the forest faster than before, his cloak billowing out behind him. He reaches the others in a few minutes, all of them still where he left them, a lost look in their eyes.
"We are going to get them back," Thor says, a strength and confidence in his voice that he wasn't quite sure he believed.
"How?" one of them asked.
"By any means necessary." Thor was certain that there was a way to get them back. If not, then he would make one, even if it cost him his life. It would be worth it if nothing else had to be lost. It would be worth it if he could get back at least one thing that he lost. Loki promised him that they would see the sun again, and Thor would not let another promise between them be broken. He would see his brother again.