AN: so i've decided to go with a song theme for each oneshot so with each idea i will find a song that best fits it

feel free to listen along as you read

missing scene from between chapters 18 and 19

mother, i know that you're tired of being alone

unsteady | x ambassadors

James tucked his duvet right up under his chin, curling into a ball as tightly as he could in his bed. He thought that if he did he wouldn't burst from the sadness that had creeped into his chest. He felt it straining in his heart, threatening to leave him any moment now in the form of a sob or tears.

Mum was on the phone to Aunt Becca. And she was crying. Again.

The only thing that kept him in bed was his curiosity. If he went out there to see her, Mum would end the phone call and pretend everything was all right. She always did. James always thought she was really strong. Mum could lift him right up over her head but she was also like the people in the stories Mrs. Short read to them at school. They were all about heroes, both men and women, who, when the world put them down and beat them up, they got right back up and kept fighting. That's what Mum was doing now. James didn't know exactly what she was fighting, but it must be big if it made her this upset.

Mum was definitely like the heroes in those stories. He hadn't understood it at first, but just thinking about how upset she was now and how James knew she would pretend everything was perfect in the morning… He finally did.

"I don't know if I can keep doing this Becca," she whispered, her voice wobbling like his did when he cried."James doesn't understand what is going on and I can't lie to him. I won't. It's so hard already.

"No, I won't tell Roy. He has enough to deal with right now. He doesn't need a pathetic, lonely single mother breathing down his neck as well."

What was Mum lying to him about? He suddenly felt very small and very scared.

Mum always said lying was bad. Why was she doing it?

Aunt Becca must have been speaking because Mum went quiet. James strained to hear everything, but he couldn't. He only heard Mum as she sniffed then blew her nose quietly.

"I know. I know it's for the best." Silence. "No, not at all." Mum's voice turned quieter, softer. Like the voice she used when he hurt himself and he was upset. "I don't blame him for any of this. You can't choose your family. I know that better than anyone."

James had a terrifying thought pop into his head. Was she… Did she mean him? Did she not want to pick him as her son? His seven year old mind couldn't comprehend she was talking about her father.

"Roy has been…" James held his breath, listening very carefully to hear her next words. He hadn't really seen Roy much over the past few weeks. He and Mum kissed at New Year but they hadn't really been together since. That was weird though because he always thought if you kissed someone like they did it meant you loved them very much. If they loved each other like that, why were they not spending time together?

James still saw him in passing. He got really excited when he saw Roy! James was sure he was his best friend now. Jessica would always be his best friend from school, but Roy was his best adult friend. And that was really cool because he was an adult! No one at school had an adult best friend. He had been so proud when he found out that fact.

"Roy has been a saint." James let out a breath in relief. "He's been so understanding and respects the boundaries we've set but… I want more. God, I really do. I'm so tired of feeling so lonely." James heard her move and her voice got quieter as she moved further away. It sounded like she had moved into the kitchen. As quietly as he could, he hopped out of bed and crept to his bedroom door, pressing his ear up against the wood.

"I was so afraid after… After Matt." Matt… That was his real dad! Did he really make Mum scared? "I didn't think I wanted to love somebody again. Then he came along…" She laughed quietly. "I know it's sappy but after everything, can you blame me? You're all right, Jean adores you and always has. I ended up with this shit show of a love life." Silence as Aunt Becca replied. "Of course not. I wouldn't change having James for the world. How could you even ask me that?"

He grinned, his earlier fears soothed.

"Sorry," she sighed. He could almost imagine Mum pinching the hard bit of her nose, like she did when she was stressed out about something. Worry pooled in his stomach as he realised she must actually be stressed out or worried. He didn't want her to feel that way. "I know, I know.

"Roy has been perfect. Sometimes I think it's too good to be true, y'know? That this will just become too much hard work for him and he'll give up. I wouldn't blame him." Her breath hitched and Mum let out a sob. James had to swallow past the lump in his own throat. It took everything in him not to rip his door open and run into her arms. She always stopped crying whenever she saw him. He could fix this.

But he was too curious. What was Mum keeping from him? Why didn't she want him to know?

"I wouldn't stop him either." She was crying now and so was James. Hot tears ran down his cheeks. Was… Was she going to leave Roy? "Of course I don't want him to. But I couldn't. It would be too unfair to ask him to stay." She took a deep breath. "This ultimately affects his life the most. It would be selfish to ask him to fight this battle if he wasn't truly invested in it."

Mum laughed, which was odd because she was still crying. "Yeah, we'll see."

The loud sound of her blowing her nose reached James' ears.

"No, I won't tell him. How is a seven year old going to understand that? He knows we can't see Roy as often anymore. I told James that he was really busy with work right now, and that isn't technically a lie.

"I just… I want it to be over.

"I know, Bec. And I appreciate the hell out of everything you do. Jean, too. To be honest if I didn't have someone to talk this through with I might explode."

Mum chuckled quietly. "Of course that's what you are for. I'm just sorry my life is such a mess. Those trashy magazines you read would have a field day with my childhood alone." Mum laughed, the sudden noise making James jump.

"I'm just… tired of it all, y'know?"

There wasn't much more to their conversation after that. James heard Mum agreeing with whatever Aunt Becca was saying, but she didn't talk much. His eyes got really tired, eyelids drooping as Aunt Becca was still talking. Very shortly afterwards, Mum told Aunt Becca she loved her and hung up the phone.

Mum was crying again. He could hear it from behind his door. His hands formed fists by his side but he didn't open it. Tears ran down his cheeks but he didn't wipe them away.

Someone was hurting his Mum and he wanted to find out who. This was so unfair to Mum. She didn't deserve this.

She sighed quietly and he heard her bedroom door close across the hall. Then there was only silence.

James darted back to his bed and huddled under his duvet, going over the conversation in his head. Things seemed to be so much worse than he thought. Just that evening, they had both had a lot of fun playing hide and seek in the apartment. She acted like nothing was wrong at all.

One thing he knew was that this had something to do with Roy. Something between the two of them was making her really upset. But she had told Aunt Becca that Roy had been really good to her, so it couldn't have been Roy that was upsetting her.

He remembered waking up one night a while ago. He had heard someone knocking at their front door and coming in. James had tried to fight sleep because he thought it must be morning if someone was at the door. But the clock beside his bed had told him it was after ten o'clock at night. That was really weird.

While half asleep he had heard Mum and Roy talking. Mum had mentioned Roy's Dad. That was what drew James towards waking up. Again, he was curious. Roy had never mentioned his parents before. It didn't sound good though, from what they were saying. Was Roy's Dad the person who was hurting them both?

Then they were talking about his Dad and that finally drew him out of bed. They were talking really quietly, but he just managed to hear them through his bedroom door. Mum had sounded upset then, too, but Roy had told Mum that he didn't want to leave her.

Something was happening between them. James didn't know what that "something" was and he doubted he would ever find out. Mum doesn't want to tell him, so that meant it was to stop James from getting upset and to protect him. If he brought it up, that would upset Mum too and James wouldn't do that.

No matter what, from now on he wouldn't complain anymore about not getting to see Roy anymore. While it made him really sad not to be able to see him as much it obviously made Mum upset whenever he brought it up. In fact, for reasons he didn't understand, even him talking about Roy made her a bit upset.

It would be hard, and he was worried, but he would try his best.

He had already promised himself he wouldn't make Mum upset. He had made that decision once he realised that asking about his Dad and Granddad made her sad. With renewed determination he would wake up tomorrow and be on his best behaviour. It would be hard, but he would try not to mention Roy. Even the thought made James miss his best friend already, but he could do this. He could be big and strong like Mum, like those heroes in those stories.

It would hurt, but James would do it for Mum.

WOO so my first one shot is angsty af who would have guessed it?

(i know i said oneshots but shhh) part two will be posted soon…

the conversation james talks about overhearing is from chapter 10