Author's Notes: Thanks to Chaos Winged Mage for the idea.
Disclaimer: No, I don't own Final Fantasy IX! Squaresoft does.
How to Ride a Chocobo
Lesson I – So, how do you ride a chocobo?
Emerald: Welcome to Embi Ranch. I'll be your instructor for today's lesson. My name is Emerald.
Zidane: My name is Zidane. How about you and me go on an air-
Dagger: * glares at Zidane * Ahem?
Zidane: * sees Dagger's expression * Never mind.
Emerald: I hope all of you will have a good time today. You can select your chocobo from the stables over there.
* stables *
Vivi: Wow, there sure are a lot of chocobo here.
Quina: Me wonder if they edible?
Vivi: * sweatdrop *
Eiko: You don't eat chocobo, Quina. You ride them.
Quina: You ever tried to eat?
Eiko: N-no. …And I never want to either!
Quina: Your loss.
* frog hops infront of Quina *
Quina: * looks at frog * Hello little froggy… * jumps on top of it * Me got you now! * sniffs air * Me smell more froggies nearby! * runs out of stables in search of more frogs *
Eiko: * sniffs air * Ew! All I smell is chocobo poop!
Vivi: …
Zidane: Let's just choose our chocobo.
Amarant: …Why am I here?
Zidane: Don't you remember? You practically begged me to let you come.
Amarant: Whatever…
Freya: * walks up to a chocobo's pen * I shall choose this one. It reminds me of Sir Frately. * chocobo has a rat-like face *
Zidane: I'm not even gonna ask…
Dagger: I think this is the one for me. * walks up to a chocobo wearing a gold tiara *
Amarant: I wonder why…?
Vivi: M-maybe I should take this one. * walks up to a small chocobo that seems overly energetic *
Steiner: Are you sure about that Master Vivi?
Vivi: * looks at chocobo * Y-yeah. I think all this chocobo needs is a friend.
Steiner: Well, if you're sure… * looks around and spots a chocobo wearing a rusty knight's helmet * Why, that chocobo has impeccable taste in armor. It's the one I shall choose to ride.
Eiko: …Weird. Hmm, which to ride? Which to ride? * looks around at the chocobo * Oh! That one's perfect! * points to a chocobo wearing a big, yellow bow, much like her own *
Amarant: …
Zidane: * smiles * …
Amarant: …
Zidane: * smiling * …
Amarant: … What're you smiling at?
Zidane: Ha! You lose! You actually broke the silence!
Amarant: Whatever… I'm riding this one. * walks over to a flaming red chocobo *
Zidane: Okay. I'll ride this one then. * walks over to a chocobo with extremely long eyelashes * It reminds me of a girl I used to know.
Everyone else: * sweatdrop *
Dagger: L-let's just get our lessons started.
Zidane: Good idea. We're paying by the hour.
* lesson area *
Emerald: All right, I see everyone is on his or her chocobo. Interesting choices… The first thing a rookie chocobo rider needs to learn is how to take a fall…
Vivi's Energetic Chocobo: * jumps around excitedly and Vivi falls off *
Vivi: * on ground * … I think I've already learned that.
Emerald: * sweatdrop * Now the rest of you try it.
Zidane: * falls off * Ouch!
Dagger: * falls off * Ow!
Steiner: * falls off * Ahh!
Freya: * falls off * Oh!
Eiko: * falls off * Uh!
Amarant: …
Emerald: Mr. Amarant, wouldn't you like to try?
Amarant: …No.
Emerald: …?
Zidane: * on ground * Don't mind him. He's always like that.
Amarant's Flaming Red Chocobo: Kweh!!! * throws Amarant off *
Amarant: * on ground * …
Emerald: Now you may get back on your chocobo.
* Zidane, Dagger, Steiner, Freya, Eiko, and Amarant get on their chocobo without any problem *
Vivi's Energetic Chocobo: Kweh-kweh! * jumps around *
Vivi: Uh, I can't get on my chocobo. I think it would rather dance.
Emerald: * sweatdrop * Well, just wait. I'm sure she'll calm down, eventually.
Vivi's Energetic Chocobo: Kweh-kweh! * jumps around even more *
Vivi: …She doesn't seem to be calming down…
Emerald: Then give her some of these gyshal pickles. They're sort of like drugs for chocobo. Here. * hands Vivi gyshal pickles *
Vivi: A-are you sure?
Emerald: Yes.
Vivi: Alright. * gives chocobo two gyshal pickles *
Vivi's Energetic Chocobo: * eyes are half-closed, but it calmed down *
Vivi: Wow! * gets on *
Emerald: After you master the fall you must learn a chocobo's likes and dislikes. A chocobo likes gyshal greens and dislikes oglops.
Zidane: Kinda like you, eh Rusty?
Steiner: Humph.
Emerald: Now repeat after me, "a chocobo likes gyshal greens and dislikes oglops".
All but Amarant: A chocobo likes gyshal greens and dislikes oglops.
Emerald: Mr. Amarant?
Amarant: …What?
Emerald: Please say "a chocobo likes gyshal greens and dislikes oglops".
Amarant: Do I have to…?
Emerald: Yes. And the sooner you say it, the sooner you can leave.
Amarant: …A chocobo likes gyshal greens… and dislikes… oglops…
Emerald: Very good. The third and final thing to learn is how to understand and communicate with your chocobo.
Eiko: I'll probably be a natural at this. I communicate with eidolons all the time.
Zidane: What's that got to do with a chocobo?
Eiko: …Nothing. I just thought it sounded smart…
Zidane: * sweatdrop *
Emerald: We will now learn some simple chocobo phrases.
"Kweh" means "hello/goodbye".
"Kweh!" means "what time is it?"
"Kweh-kweh?" means "is that my mother?"
"KWEH!" means "I hope you know my favorite color is red!"
You may purchase a chocobo translation dictionary from the souvenir shop. Our lesson for today is over, so now you may practice riding your chocobo. * walks away *
Dagger: Did anyone else notice we never actually learned how to ride a chocobo properly? We only learned how to fall, what a chocobo likes and dislikes, and chocobo phrases.
Zidane: That's because it's a scam to make us keep coming back for more lessons until they actually teach us how to ride a chocobo. And that could be awhile.
Dagger: Oh…
Eiko: I'm gonna go buy one of those dictionaries. * gets off chocobo * Coming Vivi?
Vivi: * gets off chocobo, which is standing perfectly still (must be the drugs ^-^ ) * S-sure.
* Eiko and Vivi walk towards souvenir shop *
Amarant: I'm leaving…
Freya: Why doesn't that surprise me? You'll never change, will you?
Amarant: … * begins to walk away *
Freya: Oh, I get it. You're afraid of chocobo, aren't you?
Amarant: * turns around * I fear nothing.
Freya: Whatever…
Amarant: …Hey, that's my line! I don't have many, so quit stealing them!
Freya: …
Amarant: * scowls and walks away *
* * *
* frog-catching pond *
Quina: Me no know they have froggy pond. Is better than chocobo. I… so happy.
* frogs hop around *
* * *
* lesson area *
Steiner: A chocobo likes gyshal greens and dislikes oglops. A chocobo likes gyshal greens and dislikes oglops. A chocobo likes gyshal greens and dislikes oglops. A choc-
Zidane: Rusty, you can stop saying that now.
Steiner: But if I do, I'll forget it. Ahem. A chocobo likes oglops and dislikes gyshal greens. ? Wait that's not it. A chocobo likes gyshal pickles and dislikes eidolons? No, that's not it either. A chocobo…
Zidane and Dagger: * sweatdrop *
* * *
* souvenir shop *
Vivi: Wow, look at all this chocobo stuff!
Eiko: This is so cute! * hugs a chocobo plush *
Vivi: Keychains, toothbrushes, pillows, trading cards, t-shirts, underwear, hats, postcards, buttons, stickers, all with chocobo on them!
Eiko: This is what I want. * holds up a pocket chocobo *
Vivi: W-what is it?
Eiko: It's an electronic chocobo that you feed and play with. It even smells like a real chocobo!
Vivi: Wow! What will they think of next? But w-weren't we here for something else?
Eiko: Hmm, yeah I think so, but what was it?
Four-Armed Man: * approaches Vivi and Eiko * Can I help you little brats-I mean, little kids?
Eiko: * looks at Four-Armed Man * Why do you have four arms? Was it an accident? Or were you born that way?
Vivi: Eiko!?
Eiko: What? I'm just asking. So, are you a mutant or what?
Four-Armed Man: None of your damn business!
Eiko: Potty mouth. Hey, how much is this plush chocobo?
Four-Armed Man: Uh, (I need to make some serious cash!) 20 000 Gil!
Eiko: * throws chocobo back on the shelf as if it were made of poison * I-is this electronic chocobo any cheaper?
Four-Armed Man: Yes, it's only 19 999 Gil, plus tax.
Eiko: * sweatdrop * D-do you have anything for less than 200 Gil?
Four-Armed Man: Uh, * looks around the store* (I've gotta sell something!) How about this chocobo translation dictionary?
Vivi: I-isn't that what we came here for in the first place, Eiko?
Eiko: You're right. * looks at Four-Armed Man * I'll take it!
Four-Armed Man: Great! (Heh heh heh. That "dictionary" is useless! Everything in it is made up!)
* * *
* lesson area *
Steiner: Was it a chocobo likes moogles and dislikes seaweed pasta? No, no that's not it. A chocobo likes frogs and dislikes toads? No. A chocobo likes owls and dislikes heights? No. …I've got it! A chocobo likes gyshal greens… and dislikes ogres!
Zidane and Dagger: * sweatdrop *
* What did you think? Review! *