Okay, I definitely don't own Final Fantasy in any way, so yeah. Be forewarned of drug usage, necrophilia, and yaoi-ness.
Enjoy!
Our story begins in the world of…well I guess Earth.
Cloud: -slicing strudel with his sword- I guess we should like, kill Sephiroth or something, huh?
Other uninteresting characters: Yeah, sure, whatever, shut the fuck up.
-party travels to Sephie's house-
-knocks on door-
Sephiroth: -opens door- Aah! Damn kids and their swords, friggin materia…-trails off-
Cloud: Yeah, we're gonna kill you…or whatever.
Sephiroth: Umm, why?
Cloud: I don't know! –throws arms up exhaustedly- Can we just hurry this up, my hair is starting to lose it stabbiness.
Sephiroth: -blank look- Yeeeah, I'ma just go to the store like I originally planned. Bye bitches! –flies away feebly using his one wing and 'One Winged Angel' plays-
Aeris: God, does that piece of shit ALWAYS have to play his mother-fucking theme?!
Everyone: Dude, aren't you dead?
Aeris: Oh right. –dead…somehow-
Cloud: -sighs- I'm still bored!
Vincent: Well, I could…-dirty look- help you with that. –licks lips-
Cloud: Ugh, fine!
-twenty sex-filled minutes later-
Vincent: Wow baby, you rocked my world.
Cloud: Yeah, whatever. I'm STILL bored.
Vincent: -sighs- I just don't understand women.
-Yuffie appears-
Yuffie: Psst! Hey Cloud!
Cloud: -in a whiny voice- Whaaaat?
Yuffie: You lookin for a good time?
Cloud: Dear lord yes!
Yuffie: -stuffs handfuls of drugs into his mouth- Theeere ya go.
Cloud: Mhmhmhphpgfhg!
Yuffie: SWALLOW!
Cloud: -swallows-
…
Cloud: WHOA! People like, have like, fingers…-stares at fingers-
Yuffie: There, that oughta take care of all those drugs I sto-I mean acquired legally…-dissappears again-
Vincent: I'm still here ya know. I'm just gon…-sudden boulder falls on him-
Cloud: -spinning in circles- I feel like…hugging children.
-travels to random city-
NPC1: Please…help me! I'm stuck saying the same damn thing every time someone talks to me! I'm only pleading to the heavens because thankfully no actual person has talked to me in awhile.
-Cloud approaches NPC1-
NPC1: Oh..NO! NOOOOO!
Cloud: Dude…are you a children?
NPC1: TRY DEFEATING STRONGER MONSTERS TO GAIN MORE EXP POINTS AND LEVEL UP FASTER. IF YOU PRESS THE TRIANGLE BUTTON, YOU CAN ACCESS THE MENU AND FIND OUT HOW MANY EXP POINTS YOU NEED TO EARN UNTIL YOUR NEXT LEVEL.
Cloud: Hey…do I look Siamese to you?
NPC1: TRY DEFEATING STRONGER MONSTERS TO GAIN MORE EXP POINTS AND LEVEL UP FASTER. IF YOU PRESS THE TRIANGLE BUTTON, YOU CAN ACCESS THE MENU AND FIND OUT HOW MANY EXP POINTS YOU NEED TO EARN UNTIL YOUR NEXT LEVEL.
Cloud:…-drunkenly stabs NPC1- You ain't my mama!
NPC1: NPC1: TRY DEFEATING STRONGER MONSTERS TO GAIN MORE EXP POINTS AND LEVEL UP FAS …-dies horribly-
Cloud: Yaay! Now I'm a level 12 dungeonmaster!
-meanwhile…'d-
Tifa: -moving corpses around like dolls- La-la-la-la-laaaa-la. You're my beeeest friends. –hugs horribly disease-ridden corpses-
Cloud: TIFA! My maaan!
Tifa: -creepy raspy voice- Ehh? Real people? I'm so nervous!
Cloud: Hey! Hey…hey. HEY! Hey dude!
Tifa: WHAT!?
Cloud: ...vagina!
Tifa: -asplodes-
Cloud: Aww…-pokes Tifa's corpse- Heehee. –frolicks in all the skwooshy organs and whatnot- It's like making pancakes with granny!
-Baret shows up-
Baret: Yo, token black guy here and…CLOUD! What the fuck are you doing!?
Cloud: Heeey…chill. We were just having some fun. I swear, she's eighteen. Right babe? –looks at Tifa-
Tifa: ….-death still-
Cloud: Yeah, she's says she's like…that age…8 right?
Baret: -look of utter disgust-
Cloud: Mmm…-spinning in a circle on the floor-
Baret: I need…therapy. –bicycles away on Shakira-
-a meadow somewhere-
Red XIII: I love daffodils! –sniffs daffodils- Mmm, like a summer's breeze.
-Cloud appears covered in blood, organs, and tourism stuff-
Cloud: YOU! Doggie dog Snoop man! –points fingers-
Red XIII: Oh dear! What do I do? Good Home and Living magazine never mentioned ANYTHING like this!
Cloud: -awkwardly flops around on Red XIII- I need some…sexual healing…and some of your candied apple chocolate nana loaf clusters.
Red XIII: -sobbing- Y-yes.
-Red XIII starts baking while Cloud does the oom chicka oom oom to his back-
Red XIII: Here! It's…something. –baked goods says 'Mama!' in a doll voice-
Cloud: GET IN MAH BELLEH! –eats dessert thing in one gulp, with plenty of horrid noises-
Red XIII: Oh noooo! Winifred! –sobs for the rest of this horrible fan fic-
Cloud: Hmm, who's left…alive…or dead. –licks lips-
-elsewhere-
Cid: I'm a mildly uninteresting Southern stereotype who somehow knows everything about complicated flying machinery! –peace sign-
Cloud: -stares at Cid-
Cid: Hey…stop undressing me with your eyes!
Cloud: Hey, move out of the way! I was checkin out that hot mama behind you.
Cid: -looks behind himself- Cloud…that's a chair.
Cloud: Shhhh shh sh shhh…I'm trying ta get laid dude. Shut up and maybe you can get sloppy seconds.
Cid: …I'm in!
-chair sex-
Chair: I'm…so used.
-back at Walmart-
Cloud: Music make you lose control! –dancing with gyrating hips-
Sephiroth: -sorting through aisles of food with a coupon book out- Ooo, this is a good buy. Three cans of cream of mushroom soup for fifty cents. Although…I don't know if I'd use it that much…I guess it'd be nice to have in case I need to make a casserole. Hmm, I think I'll buy them! –snatches cans off shelf and 'One Winged Angel' plays-
Store employee: Umm, excuse me sir, but do you have to play that every time ANYTHING happens?
Sephiroth: YES! It's the only way people notice me. –cries-
Store employee: Riiiight. –suicide-
Cloud: Whoa! Sepherella! You go to Walmeyers too!?
Sephiroth: God damn it Cloud, are you high?
Cloud: No, but I think I'm on drugs. Why do you ask?
Sephiroth: Can't I leave you fucktards alone for half a day without anyone getting raped, killed, drugged, or any combination of the three?
Cloud: Nope! –eats tuna flakes-
Sephiroth: Hmm…I could take this opportunity to have sex with Cloud, and he wouldn't even know it. Naah, that wouldn't be polite.
-silence-
Sephiroth: -sexes Cloud to the extreme for like, three days-
Cloud: Wow…I never knew electric bread slicer handles could be so…nice.
Sephiroth: Eh, shut the fuck up.
Cloud: Eh…shut the me up…fuck.
So, was it good? Eh? Lemme know!
-Nateku