Chapter 1: The Proclamation

The decree was written on a massive piece of parchment and hung on the stone wall across from the Great Hall. No one, not even Filch, had seen who had delivered it, and a particularly onerous Sticking Charm had been applied to the four corners of the proclamation. In large, feminine script, the decree read as follows:

OFFICIAL PROCLAMATION FROM THE MINISTRY OF MAGIC

WHEREAS all students of HOGWARTS SCHOOL OF WITCHCRAFT AND WIZARDRY must be taught a full and complete education to better their position in the Wizarding World, so does the Ministry of Magic: Health and Hearth Division decree that education on approved lessons detailing the location of secondary sex characteristics and proper usage of said physical differences in promoting a healthy and thriving wizarding population will heretofore be held in a special five-class series held for the next school week. First period classes will be postponed until the series has completed. All sixth year female students will report to classroom 35 on the third floor, while sixth year male students will report to classroom 42 on the fourth floor. Failure to complete these classes adequately will result in suspension from normal classes until a "pass" has been acquired.

Proclaimed, this Fourth of November by Dolores Jane Umbridge, Head Witch Presiding, Health and Hearth Division, and approved by current Minister of Magic, Cornelius Fudge and witnessed by his two under-secretaries Fabian Nartwel and Priscilla Whatchi.

Several signatures in a golden ink glittered underneath, including a large and distinctively flowery signature that had obviously been penned by the most hated woman in Hogwart's history in a disgusting bright pink. A giant, thick wax seal the size of a dinner plate was affixed to the bottom of the page with the Ministry's mark upon it.

"There is no way that the Headmaster is going to stand for this!" Hermione fumed, stamping her foot as Harry and Ron stared slack-jawed at the massive paper.

"My grandmother sent me an owl warning me that they passed this proclamation in the dead of night!" Neville said worriedly, petting his toad as though Trevor was the one who would be attending the classes and not himself.

"There's no way that's legal!" Hermione seethed furiously, her face turning a bright red.

"Typical muggle blustering!" scoffed a voice behind her and she turned to see Draco leaning against the far wall, his arms crossed as his lackeys milled about him menacingly, "I thought you were the one who goes into joyful conniptions the second you get extra coursework!"

"We'll see how cocky you are when you actually have to take that class, Mr. I-can't-even-get-a-passing-score-on-my-Transfiguration-O.W.L.s!" Ginny jeered, coming up behind Hermione and placing a reassuring hand on her shoulder. Hermione smiled weakly, but her hair seemed to crackle with electricity as stray magical power coursed off of her skin.

"Yeah," Dean Thomas said in his rich baritone voice, his hand in Ginny's, "I can imagine Draco's mommy and daddy telling him all about how little wizards are made. Do you still think they grow in a pumpkin patch or do you believe the one about the Zarphos Bird that brings bundles of newborns from its magical house in the sky?"

Seamus laughed and gave Dean a high five and then went back to sleepily rubbing his eyes, ducking into the Great Hall for some caffeine.

"The Zarphos Bird is real," Luna had appeared from seemingly nowhere, wearing long dangly earrings that almost touched the floor, "But it doesn't bring children. It eats them. They have a terrible time with them nesting in the cliffs on the coasts of Ireland."

Draco's face had turned a funny shade of purple, and his ears appeared to be about to let off steam.

"Oh no! Better get out of here before Malfoy's big, fat head explodes!" Ron said impishly, making an explosive gesture with his hands as Harry snickered.

But before Crabbe and Goyle could start punching people, a magically amplified voice called all of the students into the Great Hall and everyone hastily made their way to their proper table.

"Thank you all for arriving so promptly," Albus Dumbledore stood behind his podium, looking every bit as ancient and kindly as ever, "As many of you may have noticed, a new proclamation has added a new course to our school for our sixth year students. Current seventh year students will be exempt from this class, as many are taking on internships and other coursework that will help them to secure a career post-Hogwarts."

He paused to let his words sink in. Many of the seventh years looked markedly relieved, and there were a number of snide comments and groans from sixth year students who had just visualized the mental image of an extra class's worth of work.

Raising his hands to calm the buzz of chatter in the Great Hall, Dumbledore continued, "For our younger students, you too will have these classes to look forward to once you reach your sixth year, so please do listen up. Classes will start this Monday. Many of you are familiar with the two teachers who have been so gracious as to accommodate our new requirement. For our male students, our very own Professor Snape will be covering the class, as he is familiar with many of the potions involved in the coursework."

Harry and Ron, as well as a number of other male Gryffindor students groaned loudly at the announcement, and the surly, tall professor's black eyes glowered menacingly from atop his hooked, beak-like nose as he stood and made the tiniest of nods to acknowledge the Headmaster's announcement before sitting down again and doing a well-practiced job of ignoring everyone in the room.

"Thank you, Severus," Dumbledore said mildly, "And as for the female students, our esteemed Professor McGonagall will be teaching your class. Minerva? I believe you had a couple of words you'd like to say?"

With a ruffling of robes, Professor McGonagall stood up, her glasses flaring slightly in the torchlight as she turned to address the students.

"As you are aware," she said precisely, her mouth fixed in a sour looking grimace, "Certain Ministry Officials have seen fit to attempt to push their backwards agendas on our esteemed students and faculty yet again, I will do my utmost to ensure that our students receive a balanced and fair education in this particular subject, even though I shall be forced to use a particularly abhorrent text."

Her piece said, she sat down primly, her back as rigid and straight as a yardstick.

"Thank you, Minerva," Dumbledore's eyes twinkled as though he were hearing the punchline to a particularly amusing joke, "Now remember, sixth year students, first thing Monday morning, you will be reporting to your respective room for your week of classes. I know that you will learn many things, but first and foremost, I ask you to think for yourselves and take what tools you can from your lessons and your esteemed professors' tutelage."

With that, the hall erupted in a roar of heated conversation and hushed giggles as everyone speculated exactly what would be taught in the classes, and a number of seventh years were ribbed good-naturedly for being allowed to miss what was sure to be yet another of Umbridge's unholy methods of torture, albeit one that did not require her actual presence on campus, which was a marked improvement as far as all were concerned. Still, plenty of sixth years felt sick in the pits of their stomachs, especially the Gryffindor boys, and super especially Neville, who went a distinct shade of green in the face when it was announced who would be teaching the boys' class and was unable to eat even a bite of breakfast. But all were agreed upon one thing; Monday couldn't come soon enough, even if it was simply to get it over with more quickly.