Disclaimers apply.

Author's Note: Third Season. Present tense. Song-fic.

Edited once in 2006 and once again in 2008. The lyrics belong to Cornelia.

Warning: Character death through suicide.

Still Wonder,
written by Whipper

Tony is sitting in his bunk looking at some old photos. He's dressed in gray sweats and a large, white tee-shirt. Soft music is playing in the background and it's obvious that he's not in his usual, buoyant mood.

I still wonder about you...

He drops one of the photos and when it reaches the ground we can see that it's a picture of a smiling, blond young man; a man that we can easily identify as Lucas Wolenczak.

I still think of you...

Tony bends down and picks up the picture.

How come you went ahead and left us?

He slowly traces the younger mans features with his thumb. Then he puts the photo away and lays down on the bunk. He's laying on his back, hands behind his head, staring at the bottom of the top bed... Lucas' bed.

Was there nothing left for you?

As he closes his eyes briefly he can see Lucas. The young genius is sitting on the bridge, dressed in the blue UEO uniform. He appears tired, almost at the point of exhaustion.

Tony opens his eyes again and takes a second look a the old picture.

The difference between the young, happy boy on the photo and the run down man in his memory is strong, and he wonders why he didn't notice that something was wrong before it was too late.

How did you dare to take that last step?

Tony closes his eyes and can once again see Lucas in front of him. This time his young friend is standing on the edge of a cliff. The teenager is staring down into the water below, tears are running down his pale cheeks and there is fear in his eyes. Yet he doesn't hesitate as he takes that last step towards oblivion...

Didn't you wonder what you'd find?

Tony remembers how Lucas used to laugh at the idea of how an almighty God was looking down at all humans and can't help wondering if the cocky genius ever turned to an divine power for help before he gave up on everything and everyone.

Couldn't you see what you'd be missing?

Tony thinks about Bridger; about how the navy Captain had spoken at the funeral of his young, and beloved, protégé's. At how dark-clad people had come together to mourn the passing of a bright young man. At how he, himself, had spilled scalding hot tears in the night.

Were there no mysteries in your life?

Tony thinks about how enthusiastic Lucas used to be; how he attacked each and every assignment he was given with undying energy. He can't help wondering exactly when that energy ebbed out and how it came that nobody noticed when it happened.

I'm never gonna see you again...

Tony rolls to his side and stares into the wall, willing himself not to cry.

I'm never gonna see you...

Willing himself to be strong.

Was this the only way to heal you?

He remembers the stricken look on Lucas face as the Captain left the seaQuest, the tears that fell as Brody died, how the passion and devotion that had been such a big part of the young man had slowly disappeared.

Was this your only goal?

And then he remember the last time he saw his friend alive. Lucas was packing his bag, preparing for shoreleave. He was smiling, and joking with Tony, happier than he had been for months.

I thought in some ways that I knew you...

Tony had been happy for his friend. He had thought that Lucas had dealt with his demons. Now, when it was too late, he realized that hadn't been the case. Sure, Lucas had found a way to deal with the demons. But only by allowing them to devour him.

...but this I'll never understand

And he finally remembers being called to the morgue to identify the corpse of a Lucas Wolenczak. He remembers the pale body, the unseeing blue eyes... Eyes that once where bright and happy. And alive.

...no, no, no...

And he cries.

How did you dare to take that last step?

Didn't you wonder what you'd find?

Couldn't you see what you'd be missing?

Were there no mysteries in your life?

I'm never gonna see you again,

I'm never gonna see you...

Bridger is staring out at the dark ocean.

His grandson is playing with some stones some feet away but it is obvious even to the passing stranger that the man's thoughts have taken him far away from the beach. He isn't unfamiliar to death. After all, he has already lost both a wife and a son.

And now he's lost another one. A younger son, not his kin by blood, but by choice.

I'm never gonna see you again,

and it makes me want to cry...

Dagwood is in his room, on the seaQuest. His face is pressed against the glas to the aquatub where Darwin is swimming. The two friends are looking at each other silently; they are both grieving the loss of their friend. In their own way, without tears or guilt.

Neither of them know that of all the people they are the most lucky, not having to deal with any 'what ifs'.

I'm never gonna see you again,

and it makes me want to cry...

At the graveyard an old man is standing. He's holding a rose in his right hand, looking down at a small grave. On the grave it simply says; Lucas Wolenczak; Beloved Friend Of Many.

He isn't crying. He's already mourned the loss of his son once and can't find the tears to do it again.

I'm never gonna see you again,

and it makes me want to cry...

Far from the ocean, in a hot and steamy city, a man is sitting in a bar.

He is unkempt; his face is unshaved, his cloths are old and rumpled. His name is Benjamin Krieg, he's a former UEO soldier and he is raising his glass in a salute for his dead friends. There are so many names, so many faces floating through his mind; but there's one name, one face that keep coming up. One person that he'll never be able to forget.

"For you, Lucas."

...and it makes me want to cry.

The End