Rated for language and drug references.

FNAF courtesy of Scott Cawthon.

Night 1

"Yo, bitch. Yeah, this is just a tradition thing, recording messages for the newbies or whatever. So usually that phone guy would do this for you, but he's not around. Never did get that guy's name. Anyway the management is fucking firing me or whatever. Only have a few more days to work. Apparently I "can't handle" the "pressure" of the night shift. This is the last thing I have to do before I'm outta here.

Okay, reading the script now. Welcome to Freddy Fazbear's Pizza, a magical place for kids and grownups alike, where fantasy and fun come to life. That's not the only fucking thing that comes to life, let me tell you. Right, Fazbear Entertainment is not responsible for damage to property or person, etcetera etcetera, if they fuck you up we'll file a report once the blood's been cleaned up.

Sounds bad, but at least you'll be prepared. You think I got told this? Had to deal with some shit, man. Now, you're supposed to "show the characters some respect", little kids love 'em. From one security guard to another, forget that shit. They act like bitches, they die like bitches.

You're probably a bit confused now, I know I was. I'm supposed to tell you that they're left in a free roaming mode at night. Means they're moving around, and God help ya if they get into the office. One of 'em bit someone – ah, wait, sorry mate. I'm not supposed to tell you that. Just forget it, okay? I know management's listening to this.

So if they do get into the office, which I'm not saying they will, Gary, they'll think you're an endoskeleton and shove your ass into a suit. Not that they do that to the bare endoskeleton sitting out on the table or anything… There's wires and metal shit inside the suits, so you're probably dead if you end up in there.

I know you're thinking they should've told you this before, but hey. We've all been there. Take it to HR – hah, like this trash heap has a HR department. Oh, and open those doors. I know you've got 'em closed. Keep the power levels up, alright? So, don't die, and remember the therapy bills are not included in your insurance plan!"

Night 2

"Damn, newbie, you made it. Don't get cocky, night one is easy. Bet Bonnie didn't even show up. The sons of bitches get more active later in the week, so maybe give those cameras a look while I'm talking. Probably noticed Freddy Fazbitch up there, eh? He doesn't move much but when he does you're basically fucked. Hey, as if you needed any more motivation not to run out of power, but here it is – you lose power, Fazbitch shows up and watches you for a bit before he kills you. Fucking perve.

I'm supposed to tell you about those lights, too. Honestly they don't do shit unless something's at your door, and then you've got maybe two seconds to shut 'em. They do light up your blind spots, though, because the sadistic fucker who designed the office decided he needed blast doors but blind spots? Nah, they're totally fine! I hopeyou're hearing this, Gary.If anyone needs to be fired, it's that guy. Oh, but there's totally no danger if you don't manage to shut the doors, not at all."

Last thing before I go – check Pirate Cove occasionally. Bitch in there doesn't like the cameras. Ya don't watch him, he'll be at your door like a girl scout from hell before you get your ass out of that chair. Check him too much, and he'll still get all up in your face. Like a chick, you know? Can't win. By the way, don't leave the office. Apparently that's against the code of conduct, or whatever. And, you know, killer animatronics. Break a fucking leg, man."

Night 3

"Heeyyyyyyy. Surprised you lasted this long. Robots put off by your aura of desperation and loneliness? If you make it through the week, come join the ex-night watch group. Get together on the weekends, have some beers, it's fun. And we get some fantastic discounts on therapy and prosthetic limbs.

Shit will be getting real tonight. Power doesn't seem to go as far once you get later into the week… management's probably too cheap to pay their whole electric bill. The guy that did this for me, he gave me some advice. If you want to avoid getting caught just play dead. Heh, might even get some treats. Anyway, you might get a metal endoskeleton shoved up your ass if they think you're another suit so it might not be the best idea in the world. I've heard it does work if the power goes out, though. If Freddy's playing that creepy-ass song, you just don't move. Might buy you a few seconds. Only worth it if you're close to the end of your shift, though. He may be dumb enough to wait a few extra seconds but he won't wait all night.

Good luck, anyway. Just one more thing. If Gary is listening to this, I totally did not hide a massive bag of weed underneath the desk. There is definitely not some left, because I never got high during my shifts, Gary, so you're… not welcome to have what's… not left. Get it? Happens in the office, stays in the office, bro."

Night 4

"Good luck tonight. I heard the last guy die on my fourth night, you know. The one before me. And let me tell you, that was one freaky recording to listen to. Messed me up for days. He did say something about checking in the suits in the back room, but I was in a bit of a hurry to get home, you know? Reckon management would've done something by now anyway. Filed the report, at least. Fuck, I hope they power clean those suits before they use 'em. Maybe that's why the robots smell like death. I always figured it was just little kids, putting their greasy hands everywhere. You ever sponged pizza sauce off fake fur? Nothing wrong with giving a bath to a bunny but I always figured that if it happened it'd be a Playboy one.

Hey, there's just one more thing that you might wanna know about. It might be real, I don't know. Guess I could've just been tripping something crazy. Might have been the hallucinations, which incidentally are supposed to go away about five years after you leave. Um, so this gold bear sometimes shows up. He's like a pimped out version of Fazbitch. Just look at the security monitor and he'll go away. Uh, don't just stare at him though, he doesn't like it. Yeah, and he can come in even if the doors are closed. So you're probably gonna see him at some point. I think he likes messing with the new guys.

I'll shut up now. Don't want you ending up like that phone guy, do we?"

Night 5

"Fifth night, damn. I remember my fifth night. Bonnie and Chica at the doors, Foxy nearly out of the Cove and Fazbitch doing whatever the fuck he does when he's not being a pervert. I swear, I half expect to him to be there watching me changing in the locker room. For all I know, he could be.

Don't have a lot to say tonight, except that you have to get a pizza for your next shift. It's pretty good, if you ignore the whole feeling of death and despair you get from being here long enough to consume it. Should probably try some coffee too, but it makes me need to piss every five minutes and do you see a toilet in here? Uh, yeah, maybe try to avoid the right back corner unless you need to go, man. Should have told you that earlier. Just, uh, put a little newspaper down, try not to wreck the carpet. But hey, that's what you get for working minimum wage at the place where children's dreams go to die."

Night 6

"Hey! Sixth night, woo! Last night before I'm outta here! I am so not drunk right now, Gary. Hope you're still alive, it'd be pretty fucked up if I was leaving these messages for a fur suit stuffed full of meat. Man, that's kind of messing with my head now. Like, I don't even know who you are, you know? Management thinks they can fucking fire me… bitches should remember to take the spare set of keys next time. Should I even be here? Fucked if I know. You know what, you deserve to know, even if you're just a bloody mess with some eyeballs popping out. You can change the AIs on the robots. Try it before you start your shift tomorrow, yeah? Just, like, don't tell Gary. He's such a buzzkill. Fuck Gary, man."

Night 7

"Hello, this is Gary from the HR department. Congratulations on your seventh night working at Freddy Fazbears! Not that there would be any reason for you to not make it to your seventh night, of course… Just a courtesy recording to let you know there won't be any more messages left for you from our previous employee. His services have now been terminated. Please, disregard anything he might have told you. We weren't aware of his… unstable state. We do apologise for that and hope you choose to continue your employment here at Freddy Fazbear's. The most important thing to remember is to have fun! And, once again, Fazbear Entertainment does not assume liability in the event of any injury sustained by an employee in the workplace, nor does your insurance plan cover certain services, such as, oh, say, therapy bills, for example. Have a good night!"