A/N1 All mistakes are mine, also some things might not be right but just go with it
Also, please don't hate me
XOX
Godspeed Little Man
August 6th, 2013
Chloe shook her head as she stared down at the three pregnancy tests in front of her. She couldn't believe it—even after three tests—but there it was. The confirmation in threefold telling her that she was pregnant.
It had been a long, difficult road for her to get pregnant. But now it was finally happening. And she couldn't wait to tell Beca about it. Her wife was going to be so excited!
XOX
Chloe was pacing in the living room of their house, impatiently waiting for her wife to come home after a long day at the studio. Beca had been working non-stop on her second album that was set to be released in the next four to five months.
When the front door finally opens a good hour later, Chloe bounces over to her wife. She had wanted to tell her wife in this cute manner but she was just too excited and happy about her big news.
"Baby!" She blurts out as soon as she has her arms tightly wrapped around Beca's neck. Beca instinctively hugs her back, shaking her head and letting out a little chuckle.
"Uh, hi? Someone's excited to see me." Beca says with a smile before frowning a little when Chloe lets go of her and shakes her head. "You're not happy to see me?"
"I am!" Chloe is quick to react, a small smile on her face while her eyes get teary, making Beca even more confused. But before the brunette can react, Chloe's speaking up again.
"I meant… Baby."
Beca stares with furrowed eyebrows as Chloe places a hand on her stomach. It takes a few seconds before she understands what her wife is trying to tell her and when she does, the biggest grin forms on her face and her eyes are getting watery.
"You mean?" Beca reaches out to place her hand over Chloe's.
Chloe starts nodding her head, "I'm pregnant."
XOX
After Chloe's OBGYN confirmed the pregnancy through a blood test, the two moms were over the moon. They both shed more tears than they thought they would, especially Beca.
It had been a wish for such a long time. Something they almost gave up on—this having been their final try for at least a year if not longer—but now it was happening. And they couldn't wait to meet their little baby.
XOX
A boy.
They were having a little baby boy.
Beca was extremely excited about it. She would've been excited about a girl too, but having seen how protective Chloe's brothers were over their little sister, made her hope to have a boy first.
XOX
The first trimester was a little difficult. Chloe was exhausted most of the time and her mood swings were horrible at times. She could be having a great time and then suddenly start crying at just seeing a cute dog pass by or get angry about the pen that she was writing with having the wrong color.
Beca had found it endearing at first, until Chloe started to cry at almost everything. Including whenever she did anything nice for Chloe; like giving her a back massage or bringing her a cup of tea.
Getting used to the hormones racing through her body took time. And with time, the glow that people always talk about had showed up. Especially when Chloe's bump made an appearance shortly after the fourth month.
Beca had always found her wife beautiful but pregnancy brought out something majestic. She had trouble keeping her eyes off of her wife's ever-changing body. And the love she felt for Chloe only continued to grow as the pregnancy went on.
XOX
April 3rd, 2014
It had been late afternoon when Chloe's contractions—that she'd written off as just a minor uncomfortableness—had started to get slightly worse. She couldn't sit still and every now and then she was rubbing or grabbing her lower back.
Beca had been keeping a careful eye on her wife since early that morning, after Chloe had told her she kept feeling weird things and just felt a little awkward. She didn't want to worry Chloe, but Beca knew that the possibility was high that Chloe would go into labour today or tomorrow.
And apparently it was today.
XOX
Beca had been quietly monitoring Chloe and timing the contractions. She was getting antsy but knew that Dr. Prescott told them to only come in when the contractions were starting to be forty-five minutes apart or if something serious was going on.
She also didn't want to worry Chloe, who had been acting like everything was okay, so she didn't say anything and just pretended to do work on her laptop. It was obvious that Chloe wasn't really doing okay, and Beca was pretty relieved when ten minutes later Chloe walked over to her and told her that they should probably go to the hospital.
When they arrived at the hospital, they were immediately brought to a room and got settled—knowing this would probably take a while. One thing Beca still wasn't the best at, was waiting.
So when Chloe told her to just get herself some coffee, she gladly took the chance—after checking a million times if Chloe was okay with her leaving and promising she'd be back in just a few minutes.
XOX
April 4th, 2014
6.09am
Night had turned into a new day and there was still no sign of the baby coming. Chloe had been stuck at seven centimeters for the past three hours and it was maddening.
She was in pain, she was a little nervous about the whole pushing a baby out of her you-know-what thing, but most of all she wanted to just meet her little baby boy. And she also wanted her wife to just stop pacing around.
"Beca… can you please just sit down. You're making me dizzy."
Beca immediately stops in her tracks, "What? Oh, yea, sure. Sorry, babe."
"It's okay. I know you're antsy, I am too."
XOX
14.26pm
A loud groan followed by a sharp cry echoed through the delivery room. Which was quickly followed by a sobbing noise coming out of Beca's mouth as she laid eyes on her son.
He was finally here. And he was oh, so perfect.
"It's a boy!" Dr. Prescott announces, a small smile hidden underneath her mouth cap.
A nurse looks at Beca, "Want to do the honors, mama?"
There are tears rolling down her cheeks as she nods and cuts the umbilical cord with the pair of scissors the nurse holds out to her. The same nurse picks up her newborn son and places it on Chloe's chest, so she can greet her baby boy as well.
"Hey little man." Beca coes while Chloe places a soft kiss on the wailing child's head.
"He's perfect." Chloe blubbers out while their son continues to scream in between them. Tears roll down her face as she keeps staring at her beautiful son.
"And has a great set of lungs on him, maybe he'll become a screamo singer." Beca jokes out before placing another kiss on Chloe's head and then her son's, before a nurse interrupts them for a moment to clean up the baby and so Dr. Prescott can look him over.
Beca's eyes have barely left her son for longer than a few seconds but once she feels her wife's hand squeeze hers, she finally looks down into the bluest eyes she's ever had the pleasure to stare into.
"We have a son." Chloe whispers out, another tear rolling down her cheek that Beca quickly kisses away.
"We do." Beca smiles back and the two share a loving kiss.
XOX
Beca was never really that into religion or faith. But Chloe was. Chloe grew up with faith and believes that there is some kind of 'God' figure, whether that be a man or a woman, or something completely different.
Choosing a name for their son had been tricky at first. They wanted it to be something special, to have meaning. And when Beca had finally found a name that means 'God has Given', referring to their little miracle and gift of a little healthy son, Chloe was immediately sold.
Choosing a middle name was a lot easier once Chloe and Beca had settled on a godfather; one of their closest friends, Jesse.
When the little crib with their son peacefully sleeping in it was rolled into Chloe's new hospital room and they saw his name written on the card for the first time, their smiles just kept growing, because now it was truly real.
Nathaniel Jessiah Mitchell-Beale was really here.
XOX
April 5th, 2014
11.34am
After having to luckily only spent one night at the hospital, it was time to go home. Beca carefully changed his diaper and dressed him in a cute onesie—trying very hard to not freak out about accidentally dropping him—and cuddled for a moment with him until Chloe was ready.
Beca was relieved that Chloe's older brother, Frankie, had made sure that the carrier was strapped into the backseat already so that they wouldn't have to stress out about it. She just needed to very carefully place her son in it and strap him in.
Nathaniel slept the whole way home, all snuggled into a soft light blue blanket that his godmother Aubrey had given him. Before Beca had helped Chloe out of her car, he had started to wake up.
A small cry got their attention and Chloe quickly took him out of the carrier and held him closely against her chest, "I know, sweetie. You're hungry."
While Chloe made herself comfortable on the couch after Beca had quickly unlocked the door, Beca was walking back to the car to grab their bag and all the gifts they had gotten.
Dropping the bags at the front door after closing it, Beca felt a smile settle on her face as she watched her son being fed and the calm, happy smile on her wife's face while she looked down at Nathaniel.
This was all she ever wanted, all she ever needed.
XOX
June 2014
She hadn't realized it at first, but every time Beca put down Nathaniel for bedtime, she had started to whisper 'Sweet dreams, little man' to him while carefully rubbing a finger over his forehead or over his deliciously chubby cheeks.
When Chloe had commented on it one night a week after they had gotten home, Beca had just simply shrugged her shoulders. It had just become their thing, and she told herself she would never forget to tell him to have sweet dreams.
XOX
March 2015
It shouldn't have really surprised her that Nathaniel would try to walk this soon. It was in his genes. Chloe had been a surprisingly quick walker, according to Debra—Chloe's mom—, Chloe had simply skipped crawling and went to standing almost right away.
With his rosy cheeks, one and a half tooth sticking out as he grinned while holding himself up against the railing to keep him out of the kitchen, he had learned to wiggle his hips and tap his foot.
He was babbling happily to himself, and anyone who was near him, while keeping his eyes trained on his mama standing in front of the counter.
"Hey there, little man." Beca smiled at him when he let out a loud squeal to get her attention.
"Baba ah, hmm." He babbled back and Beca nodded her head.
"Really? And what does mommy think about that?"
Nathaniel kept talking back to her and let out a few giggles in between. His giggles turned into a happy squeal when Beca turned around and walked towards him.
"And what did the dragon say after that?" Beca asked him and he didn't disappoint in telling her all about it while Beca picked him up and carried him over to where Chloe was sleeping on the couch.
"Not the dragon tales again." A sleepy voice mumbled out when Beca sat down on the floor in front of the couch, Nathaniel snuggled into her chest.
Beca simply let out a chuckle, "Hey, he started the conversation, not me."
If Chloe could roll her eyes she would, but she just kept them closed and hummed, "Sure, sure."
XOX
April 4th, 2015
One.
Their son was one year old today. Where did the time go? Seriously though, where did it go?
Beca kept wondering about that question the minute she had woken up that morning. It felt like it was only yesterday that they'd brought their son home and now he's walking around—while tightly holding on to objects or his many aunties and uncles still—looking like a little dapper guy.
His hair, a light brown color, was sticking up with a little bit of gel—Jesse said he needed to look 'fly' on his first birthday and who even says 'fly' these days—while wearing a cute little dragon outfit because of course his birthday had a theme and of course Beca had only agreed to it if she could dress Nathaniel as a dragon.
Chloe had begrudgingly agreed to it but when Beca had brought him downstairs after his nap all dressed in the little green dragon outfit she had to agree that it looked adorable on him.
And it had only gotten better when Beca had come downstairs dressed in a red dragon costume while she had been feeding Nathaniel. She had been matching with their son and it was the cutest sight ever, but before Chloe had the chance to comment or say anything, Beca had interrupted her.
"There's one upstairs for you too. You go change and I'll continue feeding him."
"What? But, I thought I could just go as…"
"Nope, we gonna do this the right way. You wanted a theme birthday party, so now we all gon' be dressed as dragons. Get going." Beca had ordered her while patting her head and then grabbing the bottle out of Chloe's hands.
"Okay, okay. Bossy."
"I'll show you bossy later." Beca had simply said with a wink before turning her attention to her son, pretending like she hadn't just said that.
So, here the Mitchell-Beale family was, all three dressed in a dragon outfit, looking like a cute dragon family. Chloe was secretly grateful for her wife's idea because the pictures of the three together were really cute.
It was definitely a great first birthday.
XOX
November 2015
"Hey, hey, little man. You can not do that. No, don't pull on that." Beca warned the nineteen-month old as he started pulling on a table cloth in the living room at Debra and Gregory Beale's house.
"Mama!"
"I know, I know. I'm the bad guy here." Beca mumbled back to him while scooping him up in her arms and flying him around the living room to make him giggle again.
After his first birthday he'd quickly learned to walk with no help and soon after that he'd figured out how to pull things off of any surface he could reach. It was his favorite game to play even though his mommies were less than pleased with it.
And his first time uttering the word 'mama' had almost sent Beca into the hospital because she swore her heart stopped beating and that she'd be admitted because of a heart attack due to an overwhelming amount of love that had shot through her body.
Her heart still skipped a beat when he'd call her his 'mama' or called for his 'mommy'. He was really starting to become a person now and it was amazing to watch.
XOX
After a few mishaps of glasses almost being pulled off of tables, it was finally time for Thanksgiving dinner. Which meant that everything was safe for a moment as Nathaniel was strapped into a high chair and was distracted by the food placed in front of him.
While the Beale's all went through their lists of thanks and things they were grateful for, Nathaniel was happily munching away on his mashed potatoes. When it was Beca's turn, she couldn't help the smile on her face.
"I'm going to keep this short. You guys all know how much I love Chloe and my little man, because I'm sure I talk about it all the time. But I'm really grateful we are here, I finally have the family I've always longed for. I'm grateful for our health, for having the best job in the world and I know things can only get better from here on."
"I could say a lot more but this is all I need. So, let's stop wasting time and start devouring this delicious-looking food. Happy Thanksgiving everybody!" Beca cheers out and everyone clings their glasses with one another, sharing a laugh when Nathaniel holds his fist filled with mashed potatoes in the air and yells out a "Yeah!"
XOX
April 4th, 2016
Two.
Even though Beca never really liked theme parties when she was growing up, having been with Chloe for so many years, and now adding in her little man, she had quickly realized that she actually does love dressing up.
It didn't matter who's birthday it was, there was always a theme stuck to it. It had become a Beale family tradition when Chloe had refused to dress out of her tutu when she was five and demanded that everybody needed to be dressed as a dancer. So her parents and her brothers—one very begrudgingly—agreed to do as Chloe had said, because eventually, they would do everything for their little sister.
Nathaniel's second birthday was themed Superheroes and Villains—keeping it kid-friendly of course—because he'd seen a spiderman toy in the store one day and kept yelling for the 'pider' until Beca had given him the figurine. Most of his gifts were superhero themed or those typical 'boys' toys—especially toys from the Rocket Racers collection.
And this year, because of the theme, it didn't really matter if they matched with each other. Beca was dressed as Spiderman because once Nathaniel had seen a Superman outfit, he'd refused to dress into anything else even though he still really loved Spiderman. Chloe was dressed as Batwoman, and Beca had been very appreciative about that.
XOX
June 2016
"Come on, little man. We gotta clean up the toys." Beca told Nathaniel and the two-year old nodded his head before crouching to pick up a toy car in each hand.
"Box-sss." He said with a little lisp as he walked over to the little box where his toys lay in in the corner of the living room.
"In the box, yes. Good job, little man." Beca praised him, knowing that was the best way to teach him and to avoid a possible temper tantrum.
They had warned them about the Terrible Twos, and she'd even read up on it, but she never thought it would be this bad. His favorite new word had been 'no' for a little while now but she'd never heard him scream it that loudly at her when they were grocery shopping a few weeks ago.
Granted he had missed his nap, which is a mistake Beca will never make again, but still. The anger that radiated off of the usually sweet little boy had scared and shocked her into silence.
After they finished cleaning up it was bedtime. Beca helped him change into his new favorite pair of pjs, Superman themed of course, and after brushing his teeth, placed him into bed and tucked him in.
"What book are we going to read?" Beca asked him, holding up two books and waiting for him to point at one. It was no surprise when he pointed his little finger at the 'Goodnight Moon' story. It had quickly become his favorite story after the first time Beca and Chloe had read it to him.
After reading it to him twice, Nathaniel was fast asleep. Beca put the book back onto the shelf before leaning down to kiss his forehead. She then softly trailed a finger over his still ever chubby cheeks and whispered 'Sweet dreams, little man' to him before standing up to turn off the light and quietly leaving the room.
XOX
January, 2017
The rest of the year flew by fast. Beca had finished and released her fourth studio album back in August. Then she had done a small mall-tour to gear up for a bigger tour that would be starting in a few weeks.
At one of the last rehearsals, Chloe and Nathaniel had decided to surprise her. It had been a long day but as soon as she heard that giggle, she felt a new spark of energy run through her body. And of course everyone had fallen madly in love with her little goofy son.
While Beca and her dancers were running through some choreography with the songs blazing throughout the arena, Nathaniel had decided to run through the standing part in front of the podium before breaking out his little dance moves, making everybody around him laugh and smile.
After the rehearsals were done, and Beca had a chance to take a much-needed shower, the little family decided to take a walk through Central Park. They were all wrapped up warmly with wooly hats and warm mittens.
Nathaniel was loving the snow, even though they lived in Los Angeles and were all used to the constant warmth. He kept running through it and at one point even started to face-plant into the snow because it made his lips clatter in a funny way.
He really was a silly, goofy boy.
XOX
April 4th, 2017
Three.
This year's theme was Pirates. Mostly because uncle Davis—Chloe's youngest brother—had read Nathaniel the Peter Pan story and ever since he constantly wanted to play a 'Lost Boy' and be flown around the room.
It was a cute sight, the cool and always tough-looking Beale running around the room while holding a Pirate-clad three-year old up in the air and making plane noises. Chloe always loved watching her brothers play with her son.
This year's cake had a picture of Captain Hook's ship with the pirates on it, the Lost boys in a little boat close to it while Peter Pan and the kids were flying in the air. The ecstatic look on Nathaniel's face said it all. And soon after his face was filled with icing and cake as he face-planted into it.
Beca hoped he never lost his goofy side.
XOX
October 2017
It had started a few weeks ago. The paleness and fatigue. Nathaniel used to be so active but lately he was spending more time just lying on the couch or on the floor as if he had no more energy left.
Chloe had also started to notice that Nathaniel had started to come down more often with a little cold or fever. Rubbing his throat while playing with his figurines and toy cars, before succumbing to the tiredness and snuggling up on the couch with one of his mommies.
It was worrying Chloe and it made her scared.
XOX
November 2017
On advice of Dr. Palmer, they had brought Nathaniel to the hospital for some tests. Their little happy boy had turned into a weak, sick boy and it was breaking their hearts not knowing what was wrong with him.
Their nights had been short and tear-filled from waking up because of their little boy's cries. He'd been wet with sweat and had kept moving around in his sleep, as if he just simply couldn't get comfortable.
Before visiting Dr. Palmer, they had also found a few bruises that definitely hadn't been there before. And when he had checked Nathaniel, his face set in a frown as he advised them to go to the hospital for further tests, it had only given them more worries.
After answering Dr. Hayes' questions and getting some blood drawn, they were sent back home with a promise of a phone call once they had the results back.
Two days later the phone call came that had left them shocked and brokenhearted.
Leukemia.
XOX
December 2017
Beca just couldn't understand it. But that was not what was important, what was important was for her little man to get healthy again. So with a lot of conversations and meetings with specialists, they came up with a treatment plan for little Nathaniel.
And when they had set that up, Beca knew she had to cancel all her planned performances and the upcoming club tour she was supposed to be doing. She put out a statement that she was taking some time off because of personal reasons and that all her upcoming performances were canceled, including the New Year's Eve concert she was supposed to be singing at.
XOX
April 2018
They had done a round of aggressive chemotherapy in the first weeks of January and February, and for a while everything seemed to go well. Even with all the medicine Nathaniel was on, he was slowly becoming that happy little boy again.
He'd been home since the second week of March to just be in his own space again, but he still had to go to the hospital three to four times a week for consistent check-ups. He was becoming more active, was giggling again and even started running around again.
After a check-up a week after his fourth birthday, the blood cell count seemed to be normal again and things were definitely looking up. And while they still had a way to go, it seemed like the hardest part was over.
Throughout his time in the hospital and at home, they had stuck to the same routines. Playing with his toy cars and figurines, drawings—something he really liked to do—, reading books, especially 'Goodnight Moon' and of course ending every night with a cuddle, a kiss and a whisper of 'Sweet dreams, little man' from Beca.
XOX
July 2018
Things went downhill quickly. One moment Nathaniel seemed fine and the other moment his fatigue had fully returned again and he didn't want to do anything but lie down because everything hurt.
Beca and Chloe quickly made the trip to the hospital to see Dr. Hayes and after checking his blood, the red and white blood cell counts were dangerously low again.
They started another aggressive round of chemotherapy and the medicine—or basically poison—running through Nathaniel's weak and little body started to take a toll on him. Things were going horribly wrong.
XOX
August 2018
Chloe and Beca had rarely left Nathaniel's bedside, the only time they left was for a quick shower and a change of clothes or when one of their friends or family members forced them to leave the room for a moment.
It wasn't looking good and they just couldn't leave their helpless little boy by himself, but they knew they had to take care of themselves as well, so each time they left the room begrudgingly and with a lump in their throats, thinking of all the 'what if's'.
XOX
It was late in the afternoon on August 20th when Beca finally broke down. She had enough of all the people around her, telling them how bad they felt, how sorry they were and that they were praying for her little boy. Her little man who might not see it through the night, his body too weak to fight much longer.
And sadly, it was Aubrey who was bearing the brunt of Beca's breakdown. She followed Beca out of the hospital and tried to call for her while rushing after her.
"Beca! Stop, please."
"Why!" It was a harsh scream. Beca turned around with her eyes red and brimmed with tears, staring fiercely into Aubrey's eyes, "Why?"
"I-I don't know, Beca." Aubrey softly says. She wish she knew.
"You don't know?!" Beca was angry, furious and she was not going to keep it in anymore like she'd been doing the past few weeks, "I thought you said things happen for a reason. That 'God' does things for a reason and that 'God' has a plan for all of us."
Aubrey had always thought and believed in those words, it having been pounded into her brain with every service she was forced to attend by her mother. But after all this, she didn't know what to believe anymore and she was just as angry and broken as her friends were.
"Why did He make us suffer and struggle for so long before finally blessing us with a kid to then just make him s-sick and…" Beca stopped herself, not being able to speak her worst fear out loud.
Her hand reached up to cover her mouth before a heartbreaking sob wracked through her body and her knees started to shake. Aubrey quickly stepped forward to catch Beca and slowly brought them both to the ground as they held on tightly to each other while tears streamed down their faces.
"I'm sorry. So s-sorry…" Aubrey softly mumbles out.
XOX
August 21st, 2018
3.26am
He looks so small, sleeping in that big hospital bed. His face a pale color, his chubby cheeks no longer present.
Beca holds tightly to his left hand, she's been holding it since she got back after her breakdown in the parking lot earlier. She keeps switching from watching her son's face, to looking at his chest as he slowly breathes, to her wife who hasn't stopped softly crying since they realized that the end was near.
The breathing starts getting slower and slower. The time in between breaths becoming longer and longer. The feel of his skin no longer the same warmth he always radiated.
How much she didn't want to do this, how much she didn't want to say the words, Beca knew that it was time. So, with a shaky hand she reaches for the book on the table next to his bed and starts to read with a shaky voice.
[...]
"Goodnight stars, goodnight air, goodnight noises everywhere." Chloe's shaky voice joins in with her and they share a small look with each other while tears stream down their faces. It's time.
"I-I'm so s-sorry, sweetie. Mommy will always l-love y-you." Chloe whispers out as she waves a hand through Nathaniel's hair and places a teary kiss on his forehead.
Beca is also leaning over him and with a shaky hand reaches out to trail her finger over his cheeks, "I love you. Sweet dreams, little man."
Just a few moments later the sound of long beep fills the room, followed by two parents letting out heartbreaking sobs at the loss of their little boy.
XOX
August 26th, 2018
It was so unreal. The whole day. The whole week. The past few months really.
The funeral was beautiful. At least that's what everybody had told her.
Beca didn't give a damn. She had just buried her son and they wanted to talk about how beautiful the stupid service was. She couldn't do it. She needed to get out of the house. Why did they plan the wake at their house?
"Here." Gregory held out a coat for her that Beca automatically reached for while he grabbed an umbrella that was next to the front door. Everything she'd been doing or saying lately had become a automatic response.
Greg waited until Beca snapped out of the haze she'd found herself in and softly placed his hand against her back to walk her out the door. He opened the umbrella—because of course it rained on the day that Beca had to bury her son—and held it up between them and started to walk with his daughter-in-law.
No words had been exchanged between the two as they found themselves walking towards the park. Beca was quite thankful for Greg's silence and grateful for getting her out of the house because she really felt like she was about to explode.
"I know that…" Greg's usually boisterous voice was very soft as he spoke, "Today, is hard. I can't even imagine. I just—We're here for you."
It was all he said as they kept walking. It was all that Beca needed to hear. She wrapped her arm around him as he did the same and snuggled into his side. He was the father she always wished she had and is so lucky to finally have now.
"Thanks, daddy Beale."
It was soft and hoarse, but Greg heard it and he couldn't help but lean down to place a quick kiss on Beca's head.
XOX
October 2018
It's been a whirlwind of emotions since Nathaniel's funeral. Beca didn't really know what or how to feel, while all Chloe could do was sit in his room, hold his Superman pjs against her chest and cry.
Beca knew she had to start dealing with her grief at some point but she was still so mad and confused by everything that had happened. She didn't mean to shut down but all she could do was focus on music. Because that had always been the one solid thing in her life, until she met Chloe of course but even that could…
She shook her head. She was not going to finish that thought. She couldn't finish that thought. Beca turned back to the screen in front of her and returned to working on some new music.
XOX
October 19th, 2018
It was something small, something random, but it brought tears to Chloe's eyes. She looked down at the little toy car in her hand that she had dug out of an empty vase next to the TV and was reminded how much Nathaniel loved to hide his cars in strange places.
It pulled a sob from her and Beca quickly made her way over to her when she saw Chloe freeze in her cleaning.
"What's—" Beca questioned, a small smile quirking up on her face when she saw the item in her wife's hand, "Oh, that silly boy of ours."
That sentence was enough for both of them to tear up and hug each other tightly. Even though Beca had basically stopped her own grieving process, she made sure to always be there for her wife.
XOX
November 3rd, 2018
Beca had spend most of her day in her home studio, working on something special. She was never really a talker, and even though she knew she had to open up some day about what she felt, she found that music always came easier to her.
So she decided to channel her feelings to write a song. Because it was time for her to deal with these feelings and emotions. It was time to deal with Nathaniel's death.
Just the thought of that made her tear up but then, for the first time in months, she allowed herself to cry. To break down. To remember the bad times, to remember the sad times, but mostly, to remember the good times.
XOX
February 2019
Beca let out a nervous breath as she stood on the side of the stage. It was her first tour back, it would only be a small one, but she needed to get back out there again. Singing and performing was her passion, it was a way of healing. And she knew how much Nathaniel loved watching and hearing her perform.
This was all for him.
The announcer introduced her and the crowd went wild. Shaking her arms and legs out, she took a deep breath, smiled and stepped out onto the stage.
XOX
Chloe was proudly looking on from the side of the stage as Beca sang her heart out. It were mostly some more slow and mellow songs that Beca had decided to go with.
Her hand was wrapped around the necklace that her wife had given her with Christmas; a little light blue colored diamant—Nathaniel's birthstone and a reminder of the color of his eyes.
She watched as Beca ended her song and took a gulp of water before turning to look down and close her eyes for a moment. She watched how Beca reached up to her own necklace, a silver heart with the letter N engraved into it, held it for a moment before looking over to her with a small smile.
Chloe smiled back before watching as Beca turned back towards the audience again and started to speak in a shaky voice.
"As you all know, my family and I went through something last year. Our little boy got really ill and a few months ago, he passed away." Beca took another breath before continuing, "I got really angry about it. I was confused and I was just utterly heartbroken. Because…"
Beca's voice broke and she took a moment to calm herself, the audience was so quiet you could hear a pin drop as they waited for Beca to continue, "Because as a parent, you're not supposed to outlive your child."
A tear rolled down Beca's face and she didn't even bother to wipe it away. From the side-stage, Chloe felt her heart beat faster and she reached up to wipe her own tears away.
"I didn't know how to talk about my feelings, my grief. About losing a part of yourself. But, there's one thing I do know, and that's music."
Beca took a moment and grabbed her guitar before sitting down on her stool again, "I started writing and writing. Words of anger and sadness. Words of love. And with the magic that is my son, I came up with this song."
Chloe stares at Beca in shock because she didn't even know that Beca had written a song. With the tears freely flowing down her cheeks, she closes her eyes and just listens as Beca starts to play guitar and sing.
Dragon tales and the water is wide
Pirates sail and lost boys fly
Fish bite moonbeams every night
And I love you
Behind Beca on the big screen pictures are projected of the three of them dressed in dragon costumes on Nathaniel's first birthday party. The next picture is of them dressed as cute animals on Halloween before it changes into pictures of them dressed as pirates.
Godspeed little man
Sweet dreams little man
Oh, my love will fly to you each night on angels' wings
Godspeed (Sweet Dreams)
The oh so familiar words make Chloe smile. Every night, no matter where Beca was and no matter what time it was for her, her wife would always call to wish Nathaniel a good night and to have sweet dreams.
The rocket racers all tuckered out
Superman's in pajamas on the couch
Goodnight moon we'll find the mouse
And I love you
Pictures of Nathaniel spread out on the floor surrounded by all his cars and him in his Superman pjs follow next. They then change into four different pictures in one screen of different moments where they read 'Goodnight Moon' to him.
Godspeed little man
Sweet dreams little man
Oh, my love will fly to you each night on angels' wings
Godspeed (Sweet Dreams)
There's a short interlude where one of the band members starts playing a little violin solo while goofy pictures of their family are projected behind Beca as the brunette simply lets the music guide her.
God bless mommy and matchbox cars
God bless mama and thanks for the stars
God hears 'amen' wherever we are
And I love you
Beca is not religious, Chloe knows that. She herself has lost faith throughout the past few months; she had many conversations with her parents and with Aubrey about this 'God' figure, whoever or whatever they may be and why this had happened to them.
There were no answers.
But Chloe knew, that even though their boy had only been here for a short time, he had lit up everybody around him and always made everyone smile. Chloe wished she'd had more time with him, that they'd all had more time with him, but the time that he'd been here, had been magical and a blessing.
Godspeed little man
Sweet dreams little man
Oh, my love will fly to you each night on angels' wings
Godspeed, Godspeed
Godspeed, Sweet dreams
The song was slowly ending and there wasn't a dry eye in the place. Beca simply kept her eyes closed as the last note rang out and the people started to clap before giving her a standing ovation while wiping away tears.
XOX
Once Beca finally finished her show, Chloe immediately wrapped her up in her arms. The two stood there for a long time, just holding each other and silently crying. Both completely overwhelmed from everything.
It was going to be a difficult and long road, it was something they would never completely heal from but it was a start.
XOX
A/N2 Sorry *hides*