Disclaimer: I do not own Gintama

The Seriously Unwanted Royal Wedding

Act 1

It was the eve of Kagura's wedding. She was the youngest – and most favorite – daughter of the Yato Tribe's leader Umibuozu. The Yatos were a clan of fierce warriors with inhuman strength. They were known as a handsome people with fair skin – so fair that they would die if they were to endure prolonged exposure to the sun – and they were easily recognized by their china clothes and the umbrellas they carried as weapons.

The warrior clan had struck a deal with the Queen of Kabukicho. She wanted a good woman to marry her son Gintoki, the crown prince. The match was strictly political, as the king needed a wife that was strong and capable of giving him heirs. In return, the Yatos would become more powerful and gain a greater amount of land.

It was Kagura's big brother Kamui that had arranged for them to marry. He wanted to become the Clan's next leader. He rushed the match so he would be the only one in line for the leadership position in case their father met his demise "to early".

Kagura had a chambermaid assigned to her when she arrived at the Queen's castle. She had never been in this place before, nor met her fiancé – they wouldn't meet before the actual wedding took place (as were custom in Kabukicho). The bride-to-be had felt slightly nervous, so the chambermaid had readied a hot bath for her. She had poured some soothing lavender oil in the water in order to calm her down.

As she sat there in a room she didn't feel at home in, Kagura could hear the distinct steps of her chambermaid approaching. The maid had excused herself earlier and claimed she'd "forgotten towels to dry the young lady with when she finished her bath." Now she returned with a stack of them, ready to service the young lady (that was what she'd wanted her to think).

The purple haired maid drew a knife from within the stack and slit the neck of the queen-to-be. Kagura laughed loudly. She had hidden herself on top of the canopied on her bed.

"Hah, you think I'm stupid enough to be killed by such a lazy attempt?" she yelled at the assassin. She'd noticed her murderous air the second they got introduced. In order to spare her own life, Kagura had taken the maids red glasses and hid them. "You must have a pretty bad sight if you can't distinguish a living person from a wig on a melon. Or maybe you're just a lousy assassin."

Kagura jumped down from the bed. The floor made a thumping sound when she landed on her feet. She picked up her purple umbrella that'd rested on her flowery bedspread.

"Who sent you? " The Yato asked, pressing the tip of her umbrella into the assassin's chest, making her fall to the ground "Why are you trying to kill me?" She said lazily while picking her nose.

The purple-haired assassin looked at her with disgust. "I sent myself. I'm the only one that deserves to marry the crown prince! You're just a repulsive, unwomanly brat that couldn't turn him on even if she dressed in leather"

"Stop saying such weird things "Kagura poked her harder with the umbrella. The assassin squealed like she actually enjoyed the pain. It was now Kagura's turn to get disgusted. "If you're lovers it's fine by me. You can give him his fucking heirs, see if I care." She lowered her weapon and rubbed the content her finger had plucked out from her nose on the bed.

The assassin blinked at her in disbelief, like there was something extremely wrong with a woman not wanting him. Maybe she should be excited to marry the prince after all; he must be handsome if women were getting this worked up over him.

"Go be with him then. Leave me alone, I wanna sleep"Kagura yawned violently and hopped on her bed, she threw the assassin her red glasses and buried herself beneath the silk sheets. The assassin didn't move, which started to piss her off "why are you still here? I told you to leave you bitch. Go and fuck my future husband or something." She yelled.

The assassin didn't really know what had happened. Had she seriously gotten permission to fuck the future queen's future husband? She didn't know how to act. She sat almost a full minute, reflecting on killing the girl or not. She decided she would not 'for now'. She rose from the ground and went out on a balcony. She was trespassing so she couldn't roam the halls.

"What's your name? " Kagura asked as the purple-haired woman stepped on to the railing.

"Sarutobi" she said a little baffled. "Sarutobi Ayame." She jumped off the terrace and to the roof beneath her.

Kagura smiled as she curled up with her pillows and blankets. 'People here are weird'

The Yato got only an hour of blunder before her stomach woke her up. It was loudly complaining that it hadn't got enough food at supper. Kagura made complaining noises as she stood up from the bed. She slid on some bunny slippers and covered herself with a light blue, white-striped, yukata. She yawned loudly and went outside in the hallway.

She didn't know where the kitchen was, so she headed in no particular direction. It took her two flights of stair and many poorly lit hallways to get her there. The castle was grand and made of cobblestone, the hallways decorated with paintings of nobilities Kagura would never care about.

She opened the big doors leading in to the kitchen with ease; she was a Yato after all. The room was empty, not even the staff was here at this hour.

It suited her just fine, now she could eat as much as she wanted without anyone complaining about her sluggishness.

The kitchen was large. It had five stoves and plenty of workplace for the cooks. The pantry was on the other side of the kitchen. She walked there hurriedly and flung the door open. She was a little disappointed. After seeing such a grand kitchen, she had believed the pantry just as grand, but his one was even smaller than the one they had at home.

She would be truly miserable here.

She opened the refrigerator next to her on her right side, she looked at the content with abhorrence. The entire fridge was full of mayonnaise and nothing else. Kagura slammed the door shut so she wouldn't have to look at it anymore.

She moved on to the next one. Her irritated stare didn't change when she opened it up; it was filled with nothing but sweet beans. 'What the fuck's wrong with people in this place? She used more force when she slammed this door, nearly tipping the fridge over. She sighed.

The Yato was about to check the next one out when someone annoyingly beamed a bright light in her face. "Get that flashlight out of my face" she said with great aggravation. "I'm really hungry, so leave me alone." She was about to open the third fridge when the guy grabbed a hold of her hand.

"Let go of me you jerk, I need to eat! "She exclaimed. She tried to wiggle her way out of the grip, but the person matched her strength. It was no use. "I demand that you release my at once," she half-screamed. He didn't release her and she kicked him in the shin for it.

"Oi, harassing a guardsman's not nice" The guy holding her finally spoke. "I'll have to bring you down to the dungeon for stealing food and assaulting me."

She was about to yell that he couldn't treat the crown prince's fiancé like this, but he covered her mouth with his hand so she couldn't speak. 'I'll kill you, you bastard!'

He managed to drag her all the way down to the prison. He tossed her in a cell and locked the door.

The light on the walls finally uncovered his face. He was a young man about her age, maybe a little older. He had flaxen hair and read eyes that showed no emotion. She recognized the black uniform he wore; it was the same as the one she had seen on the guardsmen at the gate when she'd arrived.

"Hey! Do you know who I am?" she demanded.

He pulled a chair in front of her cell door "Don't care," he gave her a wicked grin as he sat down.

'How insolent, she was the queen to be!' she made a note to remember his face so she could arrange a public execution for him when she got out of there.

The man put his hand inside his jacket and took out a white paper bag. The bag made a crackle as he pulled a sandwich out of it. He studied the azure eyes of his hostage as he unveiled his food, noticing how desperately hungry she was.

Kagura lost her mind and lunged at him trough the bars trying to grab a hold of him. He was unfortunately only an inch away from her grasp. 'He planned this all along, that bastard!' She looked at him with contempt, hating him with every fiber in her body. 'What a total sadist!'

He finished his sandwich and tossed the paper to the side. He bent forward and supported his elbows on his knees, leaning his head on his hands. "Now what should we do now miss piggy?" he said as he smirked.

"You should flee the country so I don't kill you when I get out of here!"

"Then I'll never let you out," he said nonchalantly. "I've been waiting for a new playmate; my old one's so lazy. All he do is lie there." The man pointed to the cell next to hers.

Kagura hadn't noticed that there was someone in the adjacent cell, she'd been too busy picturing all the ways she could kill the sadist in front of her. There was something eerily familiar with the guy in the other cell, like she'd seen him somewhere before. He had messy, silver hair and the red eyes of a dead cod. He was lunging on the floor with his hands behind his head. She thought he looked annoyingly lazy.

"Oi Sofa-kun, you shouldn't badmouth your master you know," the silver-haired man said lazily while digging for gold in his nose.

'Wait what! This was his master?' She remembered where she'd seen his face before. She'd seen it in one of the larger portraits upstairs. 'Why would he arrest his own master?'

"Danna you should know my name by now." he answered in a deadpan manner, "It's Okita Sougo, not Sofa." He pulled a pocket watch out from his trousers, "Looks like it's time for my nap," he said casually and stood up from the chair, "I'll see you in an hour or so," and walked out of the dungeon.

The silver-haired man spoke as soon as Sougo had shut the door behind him. "So, what are you in for?" he said without even looking at her.

"For trespassing," she followed his example and made herself comfortable on the floor. "And you?"

"Loitering." She could hear him flick a booger at the wall. "I should really have him executed you know, to do such things to his master."

"Are you the captain of the guards?" Kagura didn't really care, but she thought the time might pass faster if they talked to each other.

"No, I'm the crown prince," he said like it didn't really matter to him.

Kagura's heart fluttered. 'The crown prince?' was this the lazy bum she was supposed to marry the following day? She got seriously aggravated, he was at least 12 years older than her, and he seemed like a useless man. She wanted to kill Kamui for making this match.

"I met your girlfriend earlier," the yato said in reply. "She tried to kill me while I took a bath." She could hear him stir on his side of the bars. She turned to glance at him; he was sitting up and looking directly at her.

"I have no idea of what you're talking about," he scratched his head. "Why would she kill you anyway?"

"That purple haired assassin? she said she was your girlfriend" Kagura shrugged her shoulders. "She wanted to kill me so I couldn't marry you tomorrow. She was much too dumb and weak to do it as you can see."

The crown prince fell down to the floor again. "That lunatic isn't my girlfriend. She's just a crazy stalker that wants to be my M," he said indifferently. "And why would I marry you, you're a brat with negative sex appeal."

He would later regret his words as Kagura dragged his leg over to her cell, giving his privates a painful meeting with the metal bars. "Like I would ever want to marry a lolicon!" she shouted at him.

The silver-haired man nearly lost consciousness from the excruciating pain. When some of it had subsided, he asked why the stalker had thought they were getting married.

"Because my brother and your mother arranged it." she couldn't believe his stupid question. Like he didn't kno… "What! You don't know we're getting married tomorrow!?" she shrieked.

"Huh, getting married? We-we're getting married? Why? How? WHY?"

'He seriously doesn't know! What were they going to do tomorrow!? Knock him out and Weekend-at-Bernies' him?' This was just insane!

She sighed loudly. "My clan and the queen arranged for us to marry. My brother wanted more power and land, while your mother wanted heirs to the throne." A shade of red was forming in her cheeks; it was really embarrassing to have to tell her fiancé something like this. He must be really dimwitted if he hadn't noticed all the wedding arrangements that had gone on in the castle.

Gintoki was about to speak when someone interrupted him by entering the dungeon. They both wished it wasn't the sadist that returned, their prayers were answered. In front of them was a taller gentleman with raven black hair and the same guard's uniform as Sougo. He lit a cigarette and inhaled some nicotine before he opened Kagura's door.

"You're free to go miss." Kagura stepped out of the cage and the man closed the door after her. He guided her to the dungeon door and told her that he would be escorting her back to her sleeping quarters.

"Oi, let me out of here Hijikata-san," the crown prince yelped from his cell. "I'll give you 300 yen!"

"Tch, I'm sorry but I can't let you out now." The man named Hijikata said. "Seeing as you've met your little fiancé here, you're regarded as a flight risk."

'So that's the reason they haven't told him? He would run away if he knew we were getting married!' Kagura met the eyes of her fiancé; she could see he was seriously annoyed by the turn of events.

"So you're just gonna leave me here until the wedding?"

"That was the idea." Hijikata opened the door and lightly pushed the yato out of the room, "we'll get you tomorrow before the ceremony."

OKOKOKOKOKOKOKOK, so I know I'm writing two others stories! But I came across this one when I was looking for some school-documents on my computer. I looked over it and it was pretty much done (it just needed some editing), so I decided to post it now when I got the chance.

Hope you like this alternate universe created by me, I adapted it from one of my original stories (written in Norwegian).

Don't worry, it'll become Okikagu in the end!