Perspectives

Gap filler for the episode "Before I Sleep"

His face a stoic mask of carefully controlled emotion, John breezed through the control room ignoring anyone who looked his way. His gaze fixed on the outer door, John barely stopped long enough to tap the door controls and step outside. He needed some air. He just needed to get outside…to get away from everyone and everything. Everything he'd heard…he'd felt…all had him reeling.

Hearing the door slam shut behind him, John let out a long held breath and shut his eyes. He took several deep breaths, allowing the cool, sea air begin to relax him. A gentle breeze blew over his forehead, drying the light sheen of sweat on his brow. He opened his eyes, mildly surprised that he'd been sweating in the first place.

John crossed the Deck, grabbed the railing with both hands and, letting his head drop, leaned heavily on his hands. Ever since they'd found the "other" Elizabeth in stasis, tension and uncertainty had been gradually building in him. He'd never really noticed it at first. Life in the military, time in combat specifically, had acclimated him to living with steady levels of tension sometimes days at a time. But nothing in his training had prepared him for this.

He had died.

The thought itself was nearly incomprehensible to him. To know he'd died, and yet be standing here, was a knot his brain refused to untangle. All the relativity babble McKay had rambled on about, with alternate realities and outcomes didn't matter one lick to him. All that did matter is that he'd died.

Sheppard raised his head and looked out over Atlantis and the seemingly endless ocean that stretched into the horizon. Death was no stranger to John. He'd seen men die, and he'd come close a few times himself. The close calls always reminded him of what it meant to be alive, but to know that he'd died, made him see his life in ways he'd never considered. It defined him; and John was forced to face those definitions.

What would've happened if they'd all died right then? How would things be different? Gloom settled over John's heart and he once more bowed his head. The Wraith would not be awake now. Sure, they'd eventually have woken and spread death across the galaxy, but how many people on how many worlds would've lived and died the next 50 years without experiencing the horror of a Wraith culling? How many of them are dead now because he woke the Wraith? Sheppard swallowed hard, guilt spreading through him like a disease as his thoughts wandered. What of Colonel Sumner? Sure, drowning is a horrible way to die, but is it any worse than having your life sucked from you by a Wraith? The image of Sumner staring at him, his eyes pleading for an end to the suffering was burned in Sheppard's mind. He'd shot the Colonel. Given him a quick death instead of a painful, lingering one. He would've never had to live with killing him. John immediately felt selfish for his thoughts, but the truth of it stuck to him. He'd made mistakes since coming here…mistakes he had to live with. To die so quickly would've spared him that. Names clicked through his mind like a list being read. Sumner, Peterson, Abrams, Gaul.

His thoughts lingered on Abrams and Gaul. It had been his choice to investigate that Wraith signal. Sure Rodney wanted to go too, but he could've said no. He was the mission commander and he could've said no. But curiosity was a trait John was strong in, and it had won him over. He'd left them behind to explore the ship, and when the Wraith came, it had met two scientists with side arms, instead of a soldier with a P-90.

John pushed himself away from the railing. He stuffed his hands deep in his pants pockets and slowly crossed the Deck, a dark cloud of guilt following his every step. Once again, a breeze blew through his hair and as he inhaled, John felt the heavy burden on his soul begin to lift, in spite of himself.

"The ocean air is so invigorating." John's thoughts wandered again, and settled on Chaya. He couldn't keep a small smile from his face as he remembered his time with the Ancient woman. The warmth in his heart pushed away his gloom and changed his perspective. If he'd died that first day, he would've never met her. Sure, she was an ascended Ancient, and he'd come to realize that there were some things between them that could never be, but that changed nothing in how he felt for her, or how much he'd enjoyed that brief time with her. She had been enchanting…mesmerizing…stunning. Even if he never saw her again, he had that memory to carry with him, and he treasured it.

Sheppard smiled. What of Teyla and the Athosians? He'd never have had the chance to meet them either. He reached out and grabbed one of the columns next to him, his grip tightening on the cool metal. And Atlantis. In spite of the negatives, Sheppard still found himself enraptured with the ancient city. The ancestral home of the Ancients had a mystical almost addictive quality that his natural sense of curiosity relished. There was so much to explore…to learn. He'd never had that chance if he'd died.

John's lips parted into a small grin. Just flying a Puddle Jumper alone made the trip worth the risk. His smile faded as his thoughts turned to the elder Elizabeth. His only experience with a Puddle Jumper had been to be shot down and to die, according to her. John shook his head slowly. He felt every bit of frustration and anger his "other" self must've felt in those moments before he died. Deep down he'd always thought that he'd go out fighting, but somehow actually knowing that he did, knowing that he fought death to the end, gave him scant comfort. He had still died.

Sheppard took a deep breath, the air filling his lungs and the breeze blowing over his face reminding him that no matter what had happened, he was alive now. He'd savor all the good things and live with the bad. That's what life was all about.

A new sense of contentment settled into him. Somehow, he felt a close connection to the Sheppard of this other reality. That Sheppard never had a chance to do what John had done in his time here in Pegasus, and part of John regretted that he'd never had the chance. John stared out across the city, a new sense of determination strengthening him. He turned, crossed the deck and headed back for the command center. He was alive and he was going to make the best of it. He owed that to the "other" Sheppard…and he owed it to himself.

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Authors Notes: I've been kicking around this idea since I watched Before I Sleep for the first time.

The Deck This is a term I first coined in an interactive story, yahoo writing group, to describe the outdoor area just outside of the Command Center, where Weir and Sheppard had their conversation about rescuing Sumner and the others in Rising, and where, in Before I Sleep, Sheppard gives Weir her birthday present, and where Weir spreads the ashes of her "other" self in the end. It seems to me that this would be a nice little gathering place, or somewhere where people in the command center could just "get away" for a few minutes if they needed to. Fresh ocean air…nice view of the city, great spot for a little break. It seemed a lot like a Deck to me, hence the name. A fitting place for this scene, I think.

"The ocean air is so invigorating" Direct quote by Chaya from the Atlantis episode "Sanctuary." I don't claim ownership to those words!

For that matter, I don't claim ownership of anything Stargate, so please don't sue me! I just love the show and the characters and I like to play in the universe. :)

SGAFan