Okay...i think i can say that i've got enough reviews (i mean, 3 is the average so far, so lets be honest here) to justify me putting my essay away, pausing my intense study period (i.e getting off facebook for half an hour to write this, then going straight back again afterwards to say i've been working REALLY hard...) and doing another x files ficlet for your amusment.
If you are reading this, i love you! If you review, i love you more! If you are a guy reviewing....well, i may just have to marry you :)
Disclaimer: I got annoyed with mulder and scully not getting ttogether quickly enough for my liking...so i took them to my 6th form social, because everyone ends up making out at socials ;) And i keep them in my wardrobe, and feed them on oreos and sangria....
This ficlet is set during the time Scully is in hospital with cancer, before she starts to recover. A mulder/scully fic, but more as friends than anything else.
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He had rarely seen her cry before, and it worried him.
Not because he actually WANTED her to be unhappy, not because he liked to see her hurt....but because he often wonderd if that was because she didn't allow herself to show emotion. Or, more specifically, because she didn't allow herself emotion in front of him.
He'd never been able to figure it out: what was worse, Scully refusing to allow herself pain or fear entirely....or the image that hoverd around the edges of his mind whenever he left her hospital room, of Scully holding back her tears until she was completly alone.
It was hard enough for him to accept what was happening to her, and while he did his best to stay strong for her, it felt like he spent three quarters of his time torn between anger, terror and despair.
Angry that it was happening at all. Angry that the doctors who seemed so calm and inneffective. Terrified he might lose her again. Despairing because there was nothing he could do about any of it.
He could only imagine how she must be feeling, no matter how often she brushed off his concern and told him not to worry about her.
He was afraid to push her to talk in case he made her feel worse, and yet the inactivity of doing nothing left him incredibly frustrated. There was no other word for it; he was stuck. Utterly stuck.
He did the best he could, the best he could think of doing, anyway.
He came to see her as often as he could. He brought her things from her apartment that she had forgotton to pack, and did his best to stay strong for her.
He brought her other things, too: snippets of gossip from the office, jokes or stories he'd overheard to make her smile, strawberry ice cream and the white lillies she loved, and paperback books.
And with everything he brought her, he was reminded again of the one thing he couldn't bring her: a cure.
*
It was late one night, several days later.
Mulder couldn't sleep. He lay on his back and stared up at his living room ceiling, his mind going over and over the doctors words.... "Cancer....we can't be certain yet but i'm afraid the outcome doesn't look good..."
In the back of his mind, he prayed Scully wasn't doing the same.
When the phone rang, surprising him out of his reverie, he expected the worst- he always expected the worst now- and had run over ten worst-case scenarios in his mind before he even picked up the phone.
But he hadn't expected to hear this...Scullys voice, small and scared, on the other end of the line.
"M- Mulder...?"
"Scully? What is it?"
There was a pause, and he heard tears being swallowed before she answerd.
"Mulder-.....Nothing....I'm fine, really-"
This was so obviously untrue, he didn't answer, and waited for her to say something else....but then the dial tone buzzed in his ear, and Mulder realized she'd hung up....
**
Some people might have said there were two options available, as to what to do next.
But driving through the dark, silent streets to the hospital, Mulder could think of only one...
*
"Scully?"
He knocked softly on her door, then pushed it open as quietly as he could.
The room was dark: raw moonnlight spilt through the gap in the curtains, and the snowy rug, pillows and bedsheets seemed to gleam.
Scully's face was pale, too, her skin milky-white when she turned from the window to see Mulders shape framed in the doorway.
"Mulder? What are you doing here?"
"I...um..." He felt suddenly embarassed. He didn't know what to say: what if she really had regretted phoning him, and wanted to be alone? What if him being there was actually making it harder for her?
"When you phoned, I....I just... I wanted to..." He stopped.
She was standing by the window, not looking at him, not speaking, not moving, her eyes on the floor and her face turned away.
"I'm sorry, Scully. I thought... never mind. I just wanted to check you were okay. I'll let you get some sleep..."
She still didn't say anything, and he turned to go.
As he was stepping over the threshold, her voice caught him.
"Wait...." Then softer "Please...?"
He turned back.
She was still standing by the window. When she raised her eyes to him, he could see the tear stains on her cheeks.
He was by her side in an instant.
"Hey, what is it?"
She shook her head, more tears sliding down her face, and he wrapped his arm around her quickly, guided her over to the bed.
He sat close beside her and handed her some kleenex.
"It's ok..." Even as he said it, he hated himself for saying something so stupid, so ineffectual, but Scully didn't seem to notice.
She wiped her eyes, more tears spilling down her cheeks as she did so, and looked up at him.
"Mulder-"
"Yeah?"
"I'm...I'm really scared..."
He waited.
"I'm scared I'm going to die... I know I shouldn't be, but I am.... I'm terrified I'm going to die in my sleep or something... I'm not ready, it's too soon!"
She broke off with a sob, and Mulder swallowed hard before he could answer.
"Scully-"
"Mulder, what if it's not like anything like we think? What if it's hell and not heaven? Or what if its something else? I just.... I can't stop thinking about it! I don't want to go and leave you behind, I don't want to be by myself, I-"
She stopped suddenly. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I know how that must sound-"
He cut her off, tightening his arms around her as he spoke. "Shhh. Scully, it's ok. I don't want to go without you, either. If anything happend, I'd want to be with you, because no matter what it was, it couldn't be that bad if I was with you. And anything without you, I couldn't enjoy."
He moved her into his lap, and started to stroke her hair.
"But I don't think either of us has to worry about that for a long time. You're the strongest person i know, stronger than anything life might throw at you. And you're going to get through this. And I'm going to be right here with you, helping you through it, too. I'm not ready to let you go, not yet, not for a very long time. And anyone or anything who has other plans....well, they obviously don't know who they're dealing with, okay?"
She nodded and he kissed her forehead.
"It's ok to be scared, but I want you to remember what I just said, alright?"
"Mulder.....thank you..."
"Anytime...."
He held her in silence for a few more minutes, neither of them speaking, until he felt her shivering in his arms.
"Why don't you get back into bed and get warm? You look tired."
"So do you."
"Please don't cast doubt on my dewy complexion..."
She smiled a little as she crawled under the covers.
"Mulder?"
"Yeah?"
"Do you....do you mind staying with me? Just for a little while?"
"Would now be a good time to tell you I lost my keys and I can't get into my apartment?"
Scully smiled as he sat on the edge of the bed and interlaced their fingers.
"Scully, I'll stay all night if you want me to. I'll stay until you send me out to bring you more ice cream."
"Thats all I ask..."
"I know" He leant down and kissed her forehead again.
"Mulder-"
"Yeah?"
"Thank you"
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