Fudge: Deathly Dismayed "Dullard"
England is no longer a democracy, says our very own advice-giver, Peeves. When asked his opinion of the arrest of MordecaiAmbrose, he said he could not give it to us because: "Opinions of citizens only matter in democracies; England doesn't seem to be one anymore, and I don't want to worry about that dullard, Fudge, breaking into my fucking house for doing the unthinkable: expressing my opinion." Peeves does not hesitate to refer to the Minister as a "dullard," and neither should you—unless you are one—after reading this article.
Mordecai Ambrose is an Auror who thinks the Ministry is full of shit. He is not alone, but is one of the only ones to speak the truth. Ambrose presented quality evidence to Fudge last week, trying to convince him that Voldemort was back and that Fudge was an ignorant hick. As true as that is, he should've saved his breath; Fudge listens to NO ONE unless it's exactly what he wants to hear. Fudge ordered for the arrest of Ambrose on Thursday, November 18, for disrupting him as he and Dolores Umbridge traded Chocolate Frog cards and drew on Albus Dumbledore's face whenever they stumbled across a card with his face on it. The other reason, that isn't as stupid, but just as outrageous is: setting an example for Harry Potter. "I want to show Potter that telling lies of that nature can end you up in Azkaban. We arrested one of our head Aurors who's been catching dark wizards since Voldemort died for doing such . Sure, it took all the rest of our Aurors, five of which are currently in comas in St. Mungos, but we got him. If we can get a highly trained professional Auror, we can certainly get you Potter, and we will!" says Fudge. Five Aurors in comas? Imprisoning the top one? All for this man speaking the truth? We at the Daily Non-Prophet sensed at once his poorly thought out lie, and decided to investigate.
The night of Ambrose's arrest, two of our reporters took Fudge to The Hog's Head to buy him a drink…or ten. After Fudge was clearly not sober, they proceeded to ask him why he just didn't arrest Harry Potter; he obviously hates the kid enough. Fudge's barely coherent response was: "I'd rader go ader dis auror den Harry because I'm too damn afraid of dis demented, disturbed, dull-witted delinquent." When the reporters tried to ask him more, he passed out, head slamming against the table. Not that that one "sentence" wasn't of any help; we now know that Fudge wanted to scare Potter into doing what he wanted by arresting someone more powerful because he's too afraid of this fifteen-year-old to arrest him. Not only is Fudge an anti-freedom asshole; he's a chicken. Lastly, it's leading to studies of the relationship between excessive drinking and excessive use of the letter "D." And if drinking gives you a better vocabulary (it certainly did for Fudge.)
That was the first article Harry and Hermione wrote for the Daily Non-Prophet. It was on the front page, but they didn't figure many people would see it. When Dumbledore had run the paper, he hadn't wanted thousands of people to get it. But the new owners did, and they were going to work out a deal with two people who were masters of advertising to gain more readers.