"The Very Secret Log of Commodore James Norrington"
Work: Pirates of the Caribbean
Character(s): Norrington
Genre: Humor
Rating: R
Warnings: OOC-ness, perviness, and slashiness. Lots of it. You have been warned. I suggest you also read the VSL of Captain Jack Sparrow, as this one makes references to Jack's. Based on the Very Secret Diaries by Cassandra Claire.
This is dedicated to DancingMistress, who left me a truly delightful flame for my VSL of Captain Jack Sparrow. This is proof that flames will only encourage me. :D
Day 1: Am on ship to England. Have been sent to see new governor and his bratling across the Atlantic. Am most miffed. People are sent to see other people down the street to the milliner's or to their great-aunt's house, not across the bloody ocean.
Day 2: Gibbs keeps going on about pirates. Stupid drunken sod. Claimed that the pirates are after 'booty,' and seemed to flick his eyes down to my posterior. Have begun locking cabin door at night in case he gets any ideas.
Day 3: Thought heard doorknob rattling last night. Really hope it was a dream.
Day 4: In England. Too, too cold. Cannot be good for complexion.
Day 5: Heading back to Port Royale, huzzah! Looking forward to being able to tan nude again. In other news, new governor seems to have a severe wig fixation.
Day 6: Little girl extremely annoying. Somehow got into my bottom dresser drawer and discovered my "just in case I get lucky" naughty undies. Explained to befuddled governor that crotchless panties made it easier to relieve oneself in the night. Think he bought it, as obviously has only gotten it on once in his life. Not that I lead such a swinging life, but, you know… it could happen. Later: No, really. It could. Someday.
Day 7: Crap. Looks like Gibbs was right about the pirates. Hauled aboard some little urchin. Like I need another kid running around my ship.
Skip a few years…
Day 8: Well, it's about time someone noticed how awesome I am. Am to be made Commodore today! Yay! Am making strawberry-frosted cupcakes in celebration. Lieutenant Gillette is going to help. Apparently he wants to lick the spoon. Later: Clearly Gillette is suffering from delusions, as he thought I was concealing the spoon in my trousers. Still later: Ohhhhhh. Now I see what he meant.
Day 9: Ew.
Day 10: Ceremony today! Got swanky new sword. Elizabeth looked delish in that push-uppy dress. I think I'll ask her to get hitched. Bye-bye virginity! Later: Uh-oh. Tried to propose to Elizabeth and she fell over a wall. Probably not good sign. Still later: Stupid pirate eyeing my piece of ass! I'll show him – those super-hard nipples shall be mine!
Day 11: Hah! Stupid faggy pirate in jail. Fear Lizzie may be scarred for life due to his manhandling of her. Will send her a singing telegram to make her feel better.
Day 12: Really, really hate pirates.
Day 13: Also hate Will Turner. Told him would stuff his 'nads down his throat if he didn't stay away from Liz. Plus, he ruined my map. Rebel scum.
Day 14: Turner complete prick. Ran away with unwashed pirate boyfriend, who shouted something very suggestive as sailed away. Feel violated. Gillette offered to come over. Said he'd bring fudge. Must not give in, as fear repetition of spoon incident. On other hand, fudge offer most enticing. Later: Never knew Gillette had such taut bum. Refused to go all the way on first date, partly because was not wearing naughty undies. Do not want it getting out that Commodore wears dingy underwear.
Day 15: Sailing off in search of the Interceptor, gay pirate, girly blacksmith, and sexpot Lizzie. But mostly Interceptor and Lizzie. For all I care, those two lady-men can perish at sea so I can get all the fiery action from a certain governor's daughter.
Day 16: No luck. Am so distraught that accidentally was snippy towards Gillette, who got all pouty and acted very friendly towards Groves. Am not jealous. Am not. Am not.
Day 17: Heard moaning sounds coming from Gillette's quarters last night. Note to self: piss in Groves' hat. Later: As if this day couldn't get any worse, found a letter in a bottle floating around. Brought it aboard and read it. Was from Captain Pansy-Ass Sparrow, said "Did you know 'Interceptor' sounds like 'intercourse'?" Cheeky bastard.
Day 18: Is that smoke up ahead?
Day 19: Rescued Elizabeth, go me! Rescued poofter pirate, boo. Later: Elizabeth wants to marry me! No longer care if Gillette wants to screw Groves, even if he's obviously not as well-endowed as I. However, must maintain cold exterior so as to make it clear to Sparrow that his advances are not welcome. I like my men clean-cut. Still Later: Like Gillette.
Day 20: Sparrow led us to La Isla De Muerta. Absolutely do not trust him, as saw him exiting crew's quarters with extremely self-satisfied grin. On hopefully unrelated note, Murtogg and Mullroy refused to sit down all day. Yuck.
Day 21: Told Gillette to lock Elizabeth in my office while we fight those smarmy pirates. Asked me if any restraints would be necessary. Showed me large collection of metal-studded leather goods kept inside his coat. Hope am making right decision in marrying Lizzie.
Day 22: Murtogg and Mullroy are really retarded. No wonder they let Sparrow manhandle them.
Day 23: What in the blazes are two women doing in a boat out here? Later: Oh.
Day 24: Still fighting undead pirates. Kinda sucks because, you know, they can't die. Later: But they can be hacked up into v. v. tiny pieces. Still later: This is kind of fun!
Day 25: Huzzah! Huzzah! Huzzah! Later: Okay. Someone tell these yobbos they can stop saying huzzah now.
Day 26: Victory is v. sweet. Get to watch Sparrow die. Later will ask Lizzie if she wants to see my sword of justice. Later: Oh, my. Turnersays his place is between me and Sparrow. Obviously Turner is girliest of the three of us, but don't want William sandwich, even if it could be rather entertaining. Still later: Oh, crapsicles. Lizzie likes elfy blacksmith better than me. Should have known.
Day 27: Poncy arse of a pirate told me to pop by for a shag any time I like before conveniently escaping over wall. Gillette asked me about my 'plan of action' with rather suggestive grin. Told Turner he could have dumb Lizzie. I'm getting some sweet French lovin' tonight! (And Groves can't come.)