If I lose everything, will I still be happy?
Based on the song Choose Me by Hyadain and Hatsune Miku. "I fell in love with two people, and as we all wait for my answer the blade of time deepens the wound between us all. I cannot choose one." "I'm in love with my friend's lover." "As time passes, my heart is being painted by hatred."
"I shouldn't fall in love" I said.
I'm constantly terrified everyday that she'll voice out that one question I know she has always wanted to ask; "Do you love me?"
Do I love her? I-I don't know. This is why I fear she will ask me if I do one day, because I know I'll hesitate.
Her name is Rin Kagamine, a petit blond with high spirits. She's so delicate and soft; I feel that if I screw anything up when I'm with her, I'd break her heart into pieces. I would have never imagined that I would have ever dated this kind of girl 3 years ago.
It was when I had just entered my first year of middle school. I used to always tell myself that I should never fall in love, because with love comes pain and disaster. The first quarter of the year was normal, yet I began to notice I was becoming "popular" with the girls. I began getting confessions and love letters, girls that were aggressive would constantly follow me and try to "earn my love", whatever that means. One day, I was paired up with a girl to do cleaning duties outside. I remember that day so well; the cerulean sky, clear of clouds that you can only see the bright rays of the sun, the school building looming over me, the birds and flower emitting the feeling of "spring", the slight wind that gave a cool breeze. I had already begun cleaning when a small figure began running towards.
"I'm so sorry you had to begin already!" a soft, female voice called out.
I turned around to see a short-cut blond running towards me; her face was flushed red and her eyes gleamed cyan as she reached me. She finally reached me and she looked down immediately, avoiding my eyes.
"I had … activities … I'm sorry you had to wait … uh… Len…" she blushed.
Her golden hair was being blown slightly by the wind and I had this really strong urge to pat her head.
I smiled. "No problem."
She looked up in shock, and then suddenly gave me a cute shy smile.
I like that smile. It felt … comforting. From that time to now, I know I don't ever want to break that innocent smile.
From then on, she always appeared near me and her presence began to feel like it belonged. It was obvious she liked me, and I was okay with it. It didn't feel awkward, or scary, or unusual; it felt like it was … normal. Some days, she just made me feel like I want to hug her, other days I just felt comforted by her presence.
About 2 years and a half later (before graduation) she confessed. Her face was bright red and her eyes averted mine. She looked as if she gathered all her courage to say these words to me.
"I love you…" her eyes were teary and her hands were shaking. "Please…Please go out with me!"
Did I feel the same way? Do I love her back? Was this what it's like to be in love?
She looked hurt by my hesitation.
"Please go out with me." She pleaded one more time.
I knew it from the very start.
"Yes."
Now we were here, about six months later. We've had out dates, we've held hands and even kissed. She can be pretty bold after a while.
I laughed a little thinking how ironic a girl who could barely look at me in the eyes before could kiss me.
Now I was sitting in a small ice cream café, waiting for Rin. She called me a week ago saying that she really wanted me to meet her best friend. She was so excited, saying that this girl was so fun and cool and that she really wanted me meet her. I'm happy that Rin could make a good friend; I know that she's usually shy and now that we're in different classes, I didn't know how she would do now that she's all alone. Though I'm surprised I haven't met this friend of hers when we're in the same school…
"Len!"
I turn to where I heard the female voice calling my name.
Rin came running into the café, waving her hand like crazy. She gave me her usual soft and innocent smile, and then gave me a peck at the cheek.
But because when I met you,
"Rin." I smiled back. Before she took a seat next to me, I grabbed her in for a hug.
Again, everything felt so comfortable around her. She was wearing a pastel pink dress with a ribbon on her left. She wore knee-high boots and had a small purse under her arm. Her hair was simply down with a large white bow nesting on her head.
"So where's your friend?" I asked, seeing no one following her.
"She said she'll be running late" she responded taking a seat beside me in the booster, then smiled shyly "So I guess I have more alone time with you!"
She's cute; like a small kitten. I hugged her.
I immediately felt her face heat up as I cupped it into my neck.
"Interrupting you love birds?"
My heart was captivated.
I instantly let go of Rin, shocked. I turned my head to see the owner of the voice.
My eyes widened.
She was beautiful. Now I know I have a girlfriend but I couldn't help but admire her beauty. She had a nice slender body, shown by her wearing fit skinny jeans and a simple cobalt blue top. She wore simple black nike shoes and her silky teal hair was neatly in two twin tails. A beautiful but some what mischievous grin was plaster onto her face, her slightly emerald-turquoise eyes radiating cheer. She was beautiful in a natural, simple way.
"Who—"
"Miku!" Rin interrupted, smiling while gesturing towards the other side of the booster seat.
The teal haired girl supposedly named "Miku" took a seat in front of us. I could already tell that she was popular by almost all the guys in café were staring at her. I couldn't blame them though; my eyes seemed to follow her too for some reason.
"I come in and I already see you two at each other, like sheesh get a room!" She joked, laughing it off.
"Miku!" Rin squealed, embarrassed.
I also managed a slightly embarrassed laugh.
"Annnnyways." Miku said staring straight at me. "So you're the famous Len, eh?"
Her intense stare made me feel uneasy, but I didn't dislike it…
"Uh yeah?" I replied
She stood up in her spot and presented her hand.
"Uhm…" I hesitated; I don't usually shake people's hands these days.
Miku noticed and gave out a soft, sweet giggle. It sounded nice…
"Just shake it before you make it awkward!" She laughed at my awkwardness, giving me a cute toothy grin.
I gradually took her hand and shook it.
It gave me a weird feeling, it felt ticklish. Her hand felt soft and warm; really, really warm. I didn't want to lose that warmth but by the time I thought that, she already let go.
Time passed by quickly, and after talking about random things we decided to finally get up and order ice cream.
After ordering, we returned back to our seats and begin eating.
I raised my eyebrow at Miku's choice of ice cream.
"Leek ice-cream?" I asked her.
Her eyes opened and her face reddened. Her mouth began to form into an adorable pout.
"Dooon't juuuudge!" She averted her eyes, still pouting.
My mouth curved into a smile till I burst out laughing.
"Don't laugh!" Miku whined "Rinny-boo, your boyfriend's laughing at meee!"
"…" Rin paused slightly. "Aha yeah!" she said giving out a laugh.
"Anyways, look at what you have! Banana ice-cream?" she pointed out, still pouting.
"Banana ice cream? Normal. Leeks? Not so much." I smirked.
"Ohhh shutttupp."
It felt fun talking to Miku. I enjoyed myself.
"I don't get why you're so popular if you're someone who questions leeks!" She said.
"Popular?" I questioned. I got some confessions and love letters but it all died down after people heard I was going out with Rin.
"Yes popular. All I ever hear in class is 'OMG LEN!', 'I looove him!', 'he's so hot!', 'but I've heard he's got a girlfriend since middle school!', 'NOOOO!' and more crap." She said, coughing after she imitated a girly girl's voice.
I laughed a bit. "You're quite an actress."
"Shutupp." She complained.
A question popped up in my head.
"I never expected you and Rin to be friends. You guys seem totally opposite." I spoke out loud.
"Uhm…" Rin spoke, I noticed she had been quiet for a long time. "Miku was so nice to talk to me when I was so shy and couldn't speak. She had so many friends and people talking to her, yet she went straight to me and introduced herself."
I smiled. Miku probably noticed Rin was too shy to talk to anyone and went straight to her so she could feel comfortable.
"Ohhh, stahppp." Miku said, slightly blushing. "You're making me feel embarrassed… hehe."
"Oh yeah!" Rin suddenly said "Why were you late Miku?"
All of a sudden, it seemed the spirit died in the conversation. I looked at Miku and my eyes widened.
Her eyes, they looked so dull and sad, as if someone had sucked the life out of them. They looked like glass about to break. Why?
"Miku?" Rin pointed out, worried.
Miku suddenly let out a loud laugh, and it felt like the conversation came back to life. But Miku's energy felt different this time.
"Something came up! No biggy!" She laughed it off, but her voice seemed different. It wasn't as "bright"…
Rin sighed of relief; did she not notice something still seemed wrong with Miku? Maybe it was just my imagination that something was wrong.
"Anyways—" Rin's phone began to ring "Oh! Sorry guys, I need to take this!"
I moved out of the booster so Rin could get out. Then I slid back in watching Rin walk outside of the café and answer her phone. I turned back to Miku who seemed to avert her eyes from mine.
We both didn't say anything. It began getting a little awkward and I was trying to think of something to say.
"Rin," Miku said softly, as if it was a whisper.
"Huh?"
"Can she see us?"
I looked at Rin whose back was turned on the café; she seemed distracted by the call.
"Uh, no."
I turned back to Miku and flinched in shock.
Miku had begun to cry a little.
"Uh-oh, wait wha?" I panicked.
Small crystal like tears began to stream down her eyes, her turquoise eyes glowing. It was beautiful and I had this strong urge to … hold her.
She looked mad at herself. "Ugh, this is bad timing!" She scolded herself.
She looked at me with her sharp eyes, yet tears were still falling. Why was she crying all of a sudden?
"Please don't tell Rin that I'm crying." She pleaded, looking as if she was trying to gain her strength "Please."
I nodded.
She slapped herself with her hand and I was shocked.
"Ugh, this is not the time! I need to be strong!"
This girl was amazing and beautiful. She was trying her best to try and pick herself up.
I want…
My self-restraint crumbled.
I reached out my hand and put it on her head softly, and began petting her head.
"It's ok."
She seemed shocked by my actions and words, and I was surprised myself. Why did I do that?
"Don't worry." She gave a soft giggle, and I liked the sound of it. I wanted to hear more of it. Her eyes were slightly red as were her cheeks. It was … cute.
She grabbed my hand from the top of her head and held it in hers. It felt warm and I liked the feeling of the heat from her hand, it felt nice. I wanted it to be there.
"Thanks." She smiled directly at me, her cheeks red and her eyes glowing with a softer feeling.
My heart skipped a beat.
I heard from the other side of the room that Rin entered the café again.
Miku quickly let go of my hand and I already miss the warmth. She whipped her eyes and the rest of her tears. She blinked a couple of times, took a few breaths and all of a sudden she looked normal again.
"Rin!" She smiled, though I'm now sure she's faking it.
"Miku! Len! Sorry you had to wait!" She smiled shyly walking towards us. She joined me in the booster seat.
"Anything I missed?"
Miku looked up at me.
"Nothing, nothing at all."
"Eh? Really? Hehe. So everything is normal?"
"Yeah." I looked at my hand that was still yearning for that same warmth. "Everything is normal."
If I lose everything, will I still be happy?
The sins, the wounds, the sullied emotions.