FF_992224_1694243412 12/1/2011

A/N: All mistakes are mine.

A/N 2: This is the first episode on the Season 3 DVD in the US. I think this season is the last one that differs from the Canadian run, but as I'm here in the US, I'll continue to follow the US versions if there is a difference.

Disclaimer: I don't own Flashpoint

Shock… that was all Sam could feel: shock, horror, guilt. He'd lost another teammate to a landmine. He couldn't even focus on the attitudes of his teammates when they questioned his knowledge of landmines. It didn't matter. He'd been stuck in the shock and horror since he'd heard about the mine. And while the others had desperately grabbed on to some hope – he'd had none. No hope, no faith that Lou could be rescued. He'd seen too many mines. For a short, desperate moment he'd thought Spike could re-pin it. But when that failed – he'd known. He'd known there was no hope. All he could do was try to save his other teammate.

And yet he hadn't done that, either. Lou had taken care of saving his best friend himself. The courage it'd taken to take that step… Sam honored Lou for that courage. It just increased his respect for the fallen officer. He'd already admired Lou's quiet presence, his calm reasoning, his low-key wit that broke so many tension-filled moments. He'd also admired Spike and Lou's obviously deep friendship. He'd had that once with Matt. He hated to see Spike go through the same guilt he'd felt after Matt's death. But he was responsible for Matt's death in a way Spike would never be for Lou's. He quietly hoped that he'd have an opportunity in the following days to reinforce that Spike had done everything possible to save his friend. And that it was Lou's choice to take that step to protect his teammates.

Sam also silently hoped that his team would understand why he'd walked away. But he wasn't sure they could, since he wasn't exactly sure why he did himself. He'd walked all the way back to his apartment – knowing that it wouldn't be ok with anyone. But he just… he just couldn't watch while they picked up Lou's broken body. He couldn't be part of the dissection of the day that ended with a result he was so familiar with. He really hadn't discussed any of his experiences in Afghanistan with his Team One teammates. He hadn't let them know how brutal, how devastating it really was. And this threw him right back there: bombs blasting, people dying all around him. It broke him up in ways he couldn't even begin to describe. And his only defense was to shut down. He just had to shut everything down. He knew some of his teammates had been relying on him to be there for them. But he couldn't. He couldn't be there for anyone else when he didn't know how to deal with it himself. When all he could do was lock the grief and the pain and the guilt away; force it all down into a ball in his stomach.

He didn't eat or sleep for the next two days. He spent them staring at his TV, just trying desperately to make it through. The ball of emotion in his stomach meant that anything he did try to eat, came right back up – the emotions exploding when the food hit them. He stared at the screen, eyes gritty with unshed tears, and wished for the oblivion that alcohol would bring. But he already knew he wouldn't resort to that. He'd had a beer, but that had just made the return trip as quickly as everything else. He longed to find comfort in the arms of his ex-girlfriend, but knew she wouldn't welcome him now, especially since he hadn't been there for her for the last two days. Besides, he'd given that comfort up when she became his ex-girlfriend.

Sam started when his phone vibrated on the table. He stared at the notification of the memorial service and knew he'd have to somehow pull himself together enough to go. He also saw the psych evaluation appointment along with the date of their first shift back on duty. He quickly texted his acceptance of all the arrangements back to the boss. He'd get through it – after all he was a Braddock, right? And Braddocks always were the toughest soldiers in the room. Sam reached deep down for the strength he needed to forge ahead, then closed his eyes and fought to find a way to get some rest, any rest. There was no way he'd get through tomorrow without both the strength and the rest. He was silently comforted when the blackness of sleep finally pulled him away from all the emotions he couldn't allow himself to feel. Maybe he'd actually get through this and be ok. Maybe.

A/N: I just think Sam's expressions in this episode really said everything he was feeling.